On the broken road

The process ... Rehearsing

2011-03-30T20:19:00.001-04:00

When you are a featured player, this is to say that you are not a principal and not ensemble, you have a lot of time on your hands. You can run your lines and read a magazine... A lot of times though, I watch people.

The director's method is always of interest to me. This director likes to run the scene and stop. He then gives notes and works all the kinks. This is very effective for this group... They need the immediate feedback. It makes for slow going.

At first I really didn't want to have to sit around ... I have social anxiety and I am afraid of new people. Now, I realize this time is giving me an opportunity to analyse the characters I interact with. I am able to create sone back stories based on what they are doing and what the director is saying to them. I guess it also generates commeraderie because I am here with them.

Anyway, that's all from the rehearsal hall...
Smooches!

Mama Morton research

2011-03-18T13:57:00.003-04:00

So my first dig came up with some background on the show, the time period and who my character was designed after.

I went with the last clue because I had actually heard of the woman before and wanted to know more. She was based on Sophie Tucker - a brassy vaudevillean from the 1930's. She initially performed in blackface ( if you dont know what that is, it is a style of minstrel show done with white people painting thier faces black and doing clownish "coon" songs - hugely popular - HUGELY offensive... but it does give some context) Sophie went so far as to hire black performers to teach her to "be black". Hmm.

I was taken aback by this a bit and I still dont quite know what to do with that information. Is Mama a nasty "coon" character? I suppose I could play it that way and people would enjoy it. But maybe there is more to it.

Looking at Sophie Tucker, her history and choices... I think she might actually be a good place to dig deeper. I think I am going to get a biography of her. How does a Russian Immigrant become a vaudeville star? How does that influence Mama Morton. Stay tuned...

Being intentional about art

2011-03-18T11:44:00.003-04:00

I am an artist. This is true. I am often unintentionally so. I do it cuz I can.

I am trying something new in my journey. It's inspired by my small group THE ARTIST'S WAY. It is important to be intentional and to do what I do on purpose.

To this end, I begin blogging about my process for developing the character of Mama Morton in CHICAGO. This is one of my favorite kind of roles.... one that is more of a cameo than anything else. Two songs, two scenes be fabulous and I'm out! The risk in that is I can easily zone out and not put any effort into my process.

That is why I am doing this. If I claim to be an artist, and I long to encourage and teach others to honor thier process, I should actually be intentional about my process.

Today, I am thinking about how to go about developing a character. The writer and the composer have given me the skeleton, the outline of the character. I bring my own nuances and personality to the mix. To start with I am going to write a biography for my character. I'll take the information that I have been given - the clues that lie in the script and in the words of the other characters and develop an idea of how and why she is who she is.

One of the challenges of doing this process for a musical theatre piece is that the potential for one dimensionality is so high. You have to make a choice to be real on stage. I think it is the difference between the performer and the actor/artist. I have to be truthful, I have been known to perform. Just go out there and do "my thing". Realistically, I dont think most of the audience will know the difference or care - especially if I sing the heck out of the numbers. But I will know. And for the first time in a long time, it actually matters.

Stay tuned.

Spending time

2011-01-20T18:17:00.001-05:00

I'm once again moving into a new place in life. It isn't a dramatic move... It's more like when you're on stage and they tell you to move a little to the left or to the right. Thus is usually so you are in your light. That's what this feels like. Like I am
making adjustments and each one places me more in my light.

I don't know how I feel about it. Some days it's all good and I'm like,awwwww yeah spotlight baby! Somedays I feel like I am getting a sunburn from the heat of the light. Today I feel a little toasty, but not burnt.

I think it may be how I spend my time. I can be very very busy. When I get that way I neglect myself unmercifully. I don't eat.... Then I eat too much, or I eat the wrong things. I don't do laundry, I don't clean, I don't count my money, I don't count my blessings.

When the busyness stops for whatever reason, I am left empty, ill and often very depressed. I have bankrupted my body and soul and have to rebuild. This time, in the middle of the busyness, I have been doing things like a little laundry... Staying on program... Well for this week . We'll see how I spend my time next week.

itchy.

2010-09-22T15:49:00.001-04:00

I have bad skin. The older I get the worse it gets… not wrinkly (cuz black don’t crack) but bumpy and easily irritated. I also have a tendency to mess with anything on my skin… hairs, bumps, scars. That only makes it worse. I see pictures of myself from even ten years ago and my face was so much clearer… not some spotty mess. It embarrasses me more than I can express. It’s like my personal failures manifest on my face. You can’t hide them… the world sees it all.

I realized today that part of the reason that I messed with my skin so much is that it was itchy and dry. So I started applying lotion. Simple, right? Just that little soothing gesture alleviated the need for me to pick and pull and scratch at what was irritating me. Isn’t that they way it is with everything? Sometimes, all we need is a little soothing – a balm to ease the hurts and the itches, to moisturize the dry patches of our lives.

We wear the scars of when we pull, scratch and fight. Some of wear them on our faces, some of wear them on our hearts. I hope that all of my friends who read this know that I feel what you feel and I am praying for your balm…for your solutions too.

Follow Your Bliss ( reblog)

2010-09-07T10:52:00.003-04:00

This is a re post from the Women of Faith Blog. I know, I know, I promised some reflections on the cabaret - but it has generated more than a simple blog post. I think it may have been the catalyst for a life change. I am stepping through the door God is opening... I think. I will fill y'all in on it when everything is sort of in place. In the meantime, I think this is good food for thought.

(PS: the author of this post (Anita Renfroe) is HILLARIOUS... go to You Tube and type in her name...watch her go - she's v v clever)

My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. — Ecclesiastes 2:10 niv

"I saw Anderson Cooper (of CNN) give an interview recently, and in it he responded to a question regarding the best advice his mother (Gloria Vanderbilt) ever gave him. He responded that she advised him to follow his bliss and the money would come. He had a dream to be a reporter and he now anchors each weeknight with his own news show. I don’t know what your “bliss” might be, but I urge you to find a calling in life and attach it to your work.

Whether you have a job and wish you didn’t, or don’t have one and wish you did, or if you wish you had different people to work with or report to, the dailyness of your workplace can become a mental drag if you don’t choose to see it as a place of purpose and mission. The Bible gives us clear principles regarding whatever labor we undertake.

Read Colossians 3:23, Luke 9:62, Romans 13:1, Matthew 7:12.

These scriptural principles allow us to see that we are working for more than a paycheck, that we are committed to endurance and excellence in any undertaking, and that our Real Boss doesn’t inhabit the corner office, but has it all in his hands.

— Anita Renfroe"

On being alive...

2010-07-23T13:43:00.001-04:00

The thing is, it shouldn’t take the death of one of your peers to remind you that you should be a better steward of yourself. But…

Last night, I found out that a man younger than myself, a mainstay in the Washington theater community collapsed and died. Last night. This guy had potential, he was very heavy though and didn’t get cast because of that.

I have been struggling with back pain all this week and I turned my ankle on Wednesday and have been hobbling around all week. I know that the reason that my back messed up again is because I ate my way through my mom’s surgery. I was worried and sad and bored and stressed… so I ate and ate and ate- as though her convalescence was some kind of holiday from self control.

I’m so messed up y’all. I know there has to be a better way… I just haven’t found it yet. I am still doing weight watchers and I am back on the wagon. I suppose that is something. I just don’t know what else I can do to get my mind right about this. It’s an addiction, clearly. I abuse food.

But I am alive, praise God. Every day that I wake up is another day to get it right. In church they asked us if there was anything that we were believing in God for – something so large and audacious that I could not do it without Him.

I think this might be it.

Falling off, jumping back on...

2010-07-21T12:09:00.002-04:00

Today is another day.

I have sucessfully put back on the weight I lost during my time at weight watchers. It took two weeks. It took me months to take it off and TWO WEEKS to put it back on. Stupid.

Now my back hurts and I twisted my ankle and I am just miserable about this.

I'm back on the wagon now - but it's really really hard.

I have to admit how I actually feeling instead of smoothing it over with food. Dag nabbit.

Right now, Im bored ... and anxious... and hungry ( but it's almost lunch time and I built a gorgeous salad for lunch)

Back on the wagon, back on the wagon, back on the wagon.

Hanging around thinking about life...

2010-07-15T13:41:00.001-04:00

Some of the questions I hate:

What you would do if you knew you could not fail?

What would you do for free?What makes you cry?

What makes you angry?

These are the kinds of things people ask you at job interviews, therapy sessions and counseling sessions. LOL.

If life were simple, there would be something that answered all of these questions. Then, somehow, magically, I would have the answer of what to do with my life.

What would I do if I knew I could not fail? Write novels, sing on Broadway, tell the person I love how much I love him. Pray out loud. Be a preacher. Be an elementary school teacher. Be a college professor, direct musicals.

What would I do for free? Most of the things above. However, the world charges money for things…so I need a job.

What makes me cry? Betrayal. Rejection. Shame. Injustice. Poverty. War.

On a less grand scale – the plight of urban young people… it’s painful to see how much some people have and how reluctant they are to share and show God’s love in action. In return, it is painful to see young people who have given up on life because they think no one gives a damn about them.

What makes me angry – see above.

I am angry that five years out there are people still living in FEMA trailers in NOLA – that if they were of a different ethnicity or economic strata they would have homes by now… but because those in power (on both sides of the aisle) ignore those who “don’t matter” they continue to sink deeper and deeper into the third world in the middle of the first world.

And if you think that’s not true… take a look at Haiti – six months out ….going into hurricane season… and they are living in squalor in tent cities.

How do I turn all of that into a life calling? How do I take care of myself and the world…?

Times Like These...

2010-07-12T11:44:00.000-04:00

My mom is having surgery tomorrow. She will have a procedure that will change her life for the better. She is excited and hopeful that she will be more mobile and more comfortable than she has been in more than a decade. I am hopeful for her.

I am also scared. She’s my mom. She’s not as strong as she should be… neither am I, truth be told. I don’t know if I can handle it if something happened to her. Anything can happen, ya know? She has been the grown up in my life, my whole life. I can’t lose her – I’m not ready. But just in case, I have to be ready that something could go wrong. I mean, my dad was going in for a procedure and he never came home. He was much sicker than my mom… but she misses him so much. I am afraid that she will go to be with him.

She’s so awesome. I mean, she is smart and funny and can cooooook! Her talented hands have lovingly created everything from Halloween costumes to nursing scrubs. She has shown me what devotion really means. If I ever get lucky enough to have a partner in the life, I hope to be loved and cared for as much as she loves her husband and children. When her husband passed away, she mourned, naturally, but she also lost 174 pounds and found a away to control her emotional eating and got a grip on her own health. She has been the caregiver to so many… and now she needs care.

So, at times like these, I have to lift it all up to God.
None of this is up to me.
None of this is going to go according to my plan.
It’s not my doing.
I have to leave it to the Lord.

Prisoner of Guilt

2010-07-06T13:57:00.002-04:00

I find myself always looking behind me. I am always worried about other people's response to what I do. I know part of that is because I have been known not to work at full potential. I know now that some of that is due to my ADHD. Some of it is due to depression. Most of it is due to self doubt and fear.

Since I have spent the better part of a lifetime doing what I believe is "sub par" everything, when people call me on it I feel like the whole world has crashed down on me. I am ashamed and afraid that I will never get better.

So, any time there is the possibility that someone is reporting on me or I have to have a review or something - I get scared. I feel guilty. Even if I am doing the best I can. I feel like eventually someone will find out that I am a total fraud.

I am a prisoner. When will I be parolled?

Oooh, I think I love you…

2010-06-28T17:03:00.000-04:00

The nice thing about life is that sometimes you get little suprises. Today I got a package in the mail from a colleauge/friend I had “done lunch” with weeks ago. I totally thought she had forgotten about me. It was just mentioned in passing…my love for David Cassidy. She happens to be friend of his. For realz! She also happened to executive produce one of my favorite all time CD’s “Old Trick New Dog”. Which I was going to order on I-tunes the week we talked about it. She told me she would send me some signed stuff and I laughed… well ha ha on me… I got a package today with a signed photo and a signed CD… I KNOW! Cray to Crayzee! I am spending the rest of my work day in David Cassidy heaven J

Sunday blues

2010-06-27T22:46:00.002-04:00

When I was a little kid, I just to just get so sad on Sunday nights... it was back to school and my world of freedom would be over. I don't know how I sort of got over it...maybe I never did.

Tonight, I am sitting at my computer, watching bad TV feeling super sad. I don't want to go back to work. I don't want to be in the world I am in. I don't know what else I am supposed to be doing, but I feel as though what I am doing is not the right thing. I am not in the right job. That I know. I get sad everytime I think about going to work these days. I am not sure how to make this better. It may be affecting how I feel about everything else. I'm depressed.

I am going to try a couple of things to make me feel better. I was too bummed to go to my small group - I wont make that mistake again. I'm not going to hide at home. Nikki's birthday is this week and Im gonna go to her celebration on Tuesday. I skipped my first dance class last week because I had been beaten by work. I will try to make it to this weeks.

I'm looking forward to hanging out with Momo this weekend. I am going to frame some stuff and maybe we'll work on some art together. I have got to get out of this funk...

Find me...

2010-06-22T17:11:00.000-04:00

Where do you go when you are lost?

To a map? To a guide? Head North? Or do you pretend like you’re not lost and just keep going until the bottom drops out and someone else tells you you’re lost … or to “get lost”.

I think I’m lost. I don’t know if it’s a huge existential lost or I’m just off track somehow. Nothing I am doing seems right. I don’t hate my job… which is rare – but it doesn’t feel comfortable or even remotely fulfilling. I used to have show to do to supplement the blah of work. I had hoped to be in two shows this year and I didn’t get into either one.

Then today, I got a call from one of theatre’s asking me to swing two roles in the show. Flattering that they think I can do that. Then I realized, they had already offered someone this job. No let me be honest, my friend told me that they had offered it to someone else already. Then I recalled a facebook post that indicated that that particular person was quitting a show. Ta da… and all of a sudden I have a job as second and third banana. I don’t know how I feel about it. Am I happy that I will be able to do something in the coming months (perhaps) that is close to what I like doing? Am I embarrassed that after not wanting me for the role, they offered me the understudy of that role? Maybe a little of both.

Ambivalence, I think is the clearest emotion I can generate. I need to know why I care. Cuz right now, I just couldn’t tell you. I feel lost.

When I feel like this I make poor choices. I shop too much, I eat too much, I pursue things that aren’t good for me at all. I stop desiring the best that the world can offer and take the lowest hanging fruit. I just want to go home and shut it all out. So tonight, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll get up and do it all again tomorrow – and I’m sure it will be better somehow… or I’ll still be lost.

I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood,
I know I could, always be good …
To one who’ll watch over me….

Health Update

2010-06-11T11:54:00.003-04:00

Finally got to the doctor and they have added another pill to my repetoire for the blood pressure. ::sigh::
Then the doctor ask " are you having any sinus pain?" "Um why?" " because you have a nasty sinus infection". huh.

that explains the headaches and the vertigo...

I need to lay down.

headed for a breakdown...

2010-06-09T11:56:00.002-04:00

I have felt since I got back from the cruise that I was headed for a meltdown. Mourning something, nashing of teeth the whole nine.

I think it's starting. I am writing this to stop it before it turns into a full fledged self loathing fit.

Monday night, I went home after work and laid on the couch, almost comatose and completely unmotivated to do anything.

Tuesday was so hectic with the festival starting, and not having all the info I needed to do things well. I was tired and ready for the day to end. I was headed for one last meeting and I had been sending out emails about the event for the next day. I had my co workers take a look at it before I was to send it. one said - looks fine to me. The other person said " I need to re-write this whole thing. There are things in here that just arent true. I dont want it sent that way." Now normally, this person is super diplomatic, so her aggressive posturing towards me threw me for a loop. All I heard was " YOU SUCK .... YOURE WRONG... YOU CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT" I was put out, and expressed it to my boss.

My boss then started talking about how she had to see any emails that went out and started telling me about how things should go. All I could hear was " SHE WAS RIGHT...YOU SUCK... I DONT TRUST YOU TO DO ANYTHING...I WILL ALWAYS KNOW MORE THAN YOU, BE BETTER THAN YOU...YOU ARE A MASSIVE FAILURE." It was like a massive punch in the gut. Then I had to go to a meeting. Needless to say, by the time I got home I was done done done.

I went out with my sister last night and she started talking about her plans for her life and I realized... I have no plans of my own anymore. I dont have anything at all. My mind kept racing to: YOU ARE A MASSIVE FAILURE. I got home and my head was pounding. I went to lay down and my head started spinning. I was so dizzy, I couldnt even read my bible. I sat up and decided to take my blood pressure. It was 174/154! WTF! I went to bed and hoped that the morning would be better.

Morning came and I could barely get out of bed. I was supposed to get up early and get my car inspected ... but when the alarm went off, I tried to get up... I was too dizzy. I let my office know I would be late and I tried to get up. I took my pressure again 157/121. NO GOOD. I managed to get up and get to work. I helped get the theatre ready and then I took my pressure again. 151/111 - OH HELL NAW! I called the doctor. If I hear from them, I'll be going to the doctor this afternoon. Thing is I have been losing weight and taking my meds regularly... so now what? I'M EVEN A BLOOD PRESSURE FAILURE.

While this looms high on my conciousness... I go about my day to day work, seating kids, sending emails trying to be positive... then the same co-worker who gave me ish yesterday jumps on me about how I spoke to her in front of interns. HOLY CRAP. I started shaking and apologizing. I was devastated. I couldnt believe this. I cant win! I contemplated going to an emergency room this morning and not even coming in. But no, I cared about my job - and my job kicked me in the ass. AMAZING.

Not only did she tell me to never speak like that to her in front of an intern. She essentially told me that I was mean and selfish. The two worst things you could ever call me - besides a liar. I know it's not about me. I know it's about how she was feeling, and the stress she was dealing with... and the big uncertain elephant in the room about how the jobs are changing... and whatever other demons she is dealing with. But I cant know that. All I know is how is feel. So what do I about that? I try so hard not to be disrepectful to people. I try to care. I try to do my best... and it's never enough.

I am trying not to cry again as I write this. I dont know what to do. I know I need a change... I know I need to be lifted up. I know I need to get my blood pressure under control. Right now, all I want is to go home and never come out.

Long time, no blog....

2010-06-02T09:34:00.002-04:00

The last time I posted something I was on my way to my cruise. Then I made a personal decision to not blog during the trip. I did journal the whole time and if I feel ambitious, I may post some of it. In the meantime, the highlights were: ...being away from it all for a fabulous week... a 75 minute massage ( ahhhh)... had a cold through most of the trip... delish food and bevvies...the sunshine warm and loving on my skin... the bluest of the blue water... laughing a lot with Momo, all in all a lovely vacay.

Now I am back at the office and all the work has started. And the tired has started.

My back is tense, my cold seems to want to make a reappearance. I am having a little post trip depression, and I am not real interested in anything.

tra la.

People watching at the pier

2010-05-23T13:02:00.001-04:00

In case you didn't know, I am going on a cruise vacation. Right now I have the luxury of waiting for my bestie Momo yo get thru the check in process. I say luxury because it gives me the chance to watch people in a very unique situation.

People boarding a cruise vacay come in every variety you can imagine. There's usually more of one type than another depending on where you board. I hit motherlode this time! I am boarding in new York.

Apparently so are the casts of jersey shore, jerseylicious, jersey couture, and the with the dirty old people. Hot! I actually don't care who is on the boat... As long as I am!

Gettin' Ready Rag...

2010-05-22T14:53:00.003-04:00

I am a long time procrastinator. I am a chronic over scheduler. My time is always smaller than my ambition.

So I say all that because I am working on getting ready for my trip. I have all of my clothes laid out. I have everything purchased and ready to go into my bags... hmmm.

Perhaps its because of the ADHD meds.... maybe its because I made my list aaaaaages ago. I dont know... but I feel odd.

I'm doing laundry so I will have clothes for work when I come back!?! Who am I?

After I have dinner, I will shower and go out and get my mani/pedi... and some sinus medicine.

I may even get to tidy my room and clean the bathroom and go to bed before midnight.

This is CRAZY!

Sail On...

2010-05-21T09:57:00.001-04:00

One of the things I miss about living in NYC is the opportunity to see special events. Benefit concerts, one night concert events and the like. Just before I moved back home, I was starting to sing in cabaret rooms and getting to know the people who make music in NYC. I had just put my foot in the water and then I was called home to be with my Dad.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret a step in my journey. I am just saying I miss some things about my life in “the city”. Luckily, I still have friends in the business and they still remember me. This is what brings me to my current news. I have been asked to be a “pit singer” – which is essentially an ensemble person who just sings ..yay! – for a concert of the musical “Titanic”. Some of the original cast members are going to be in it! In fact the two people I remember most from seeing the show, Brian D’Arcy James and Michael Ceveris are going to be in it! ::swoon::.

This is one of those times when I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Am I intimidated? Yep. Am I nervous? Yep. Am I blessed? OH YEAH!

I’ll keep you posted and give your more info on the show later… I just wanted to share it with you for right now.

Compelling. Engaging. Exciting. PAIGE IN FULL

2010-05-20T11:29:00.003-04:00

Last week I was blessed to be a part of the opening weekend of a very special show. Paige In Full is a dance-theatre piece by Paige Hernandez-Funn. She is one of the most amazing performers you have never heard of…which is a crime against art! She is a dancer and an actress and an all around amazing person. Her show is a self exploration that covers pretty much her life from age eight to the present day. She wraps it up nice and tight in a one hour dance, music and monologue event.

Photo credit: Colin Hovde

I believe everyone has a personal soundtrack. Mine is a combination of eighties pop and contemporary Christian music. Paige’s is pure hip hop. She breathes it. It’s a part of her DNA. She can connect the songs and the culture to her entire being. More importantly, she can explain it to the rest of us. She is beautifully articulate in her storytelling… she is enticing in her mastery of her body and movement. This performance is a delight.

I am not one to blow smoke about performers and performances. I will always tell you what I think. I think if you miss the opportunity to connect with this show, you will really have missed something great.

Paige in Full

What: Inspired by mixtapes, siblings Paige Hernandez and Nick the 1Da combine hip-hop poetry, dance, and live music to tell a story about identity and ethnicity in Baltimore.

When: Thru May 29. Previews, Tues. & Wed., 8 p.m. Regular showings, Thurs., 8 p.m.; Fri., 8 & 10 p.m.; Sat., 3 & 8 p.m.; Sun., 3 p.m.

Where: Flashpoint Mead Theatre Lab, 916 G St. NW, b/t 9th & 10th Sts. (202-315-1305).

Tickets ($20) online at ovationtix.com.

So it's been a few days...

2010-05-18T14:34:00.002-04:00

Let me catch ya'll up a little bit...

I've had some stupid back pain that has derailed most of my plans for the past week.

Last week my cellies evil twin came back. If you dont know what I mean, just ask - i'll tell you privately. I wish it would go away, but I think the evil one is actually the alpha... ::sigh:: It bummed me out and I ended up over eating this week.

On Saturday though, I was trated to one of the best performances I have seen in a long long time. PAIGE IN FULL rocks my socks. Paige Hernandez is a wonderful storyteller and a fantastic dancer. She tells her story through hip-hop and what a story it is.

anyway, it got my theatre mojo running again and it looks like I am going to manage the marketing for the Hegira. I am proud to affiliate with this group and cant wait to see what's next!

Sunday, I spent with Jesus and MellyMel :). Both of whom I love very much.
I think I will post separately about church... I need to think some things through.

Yesterday I got some bad news about my back. I have degenerative arthritis in my back. That means it will never get better. All I can do is manage the symptoms. Huge bummer. But a call to action.

I cant wait for my vacay - I am going to let all of this go for a while and come back and "shake the etch a sketch" - start over.

That's the great think about life... you get to start over. Praise God!

My back...

2010-05-12T16:13:00.002-04:00

is still bothering me. I went to the doctor at the beginning of the week and had an xray. I havent heard anything. She sent me home with some motrin and some flexeril and told me to eat more fiber and get a mammogram ( really? nonsequitor, anyone?)

The next day was okay, but today has been a bear. I had trouble getting up and moving around has been hellacious. I am not pleased.

I am not going down like this! I am not going to end up on a cane before 80. I dont know what to do besides sit ups, but I'mma do something.

Quiet.

2010-05-10T10:53:00.001-04:00

It's extremely quiet here at the Disco today. All of our Spring interns are gone. One is staying part time till October, but he's not here today. My boss isnt here, one of my co workers isnt here. It's just so quiet. The sad thing is, that the quiet is distracting for me. My ADD is really battling with me right now - there are a million things going through my head.

I am trying to blog as a way to get myself focused. I know I have things to do and things to accomplish before I leave the office for a doctors appointment. It's just that when it gets quiet...my mind gets LOUD!!!!

Must. concentrate. now.

Mother's Day Musings

2010-05-09T22:48:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting on the comfy couch, feeling a little empty right now. It's Mother's Day and I'm not anyone's mother.

I dont think I have ever experienced this. The feeling that I am missing something...the pull from deep in my soul ( or my womb) to have that identity.

Many times I have told myself that my children are the people that I encounter in my life, the students I mentor, the kids that come to the Disco, my interns, colleagues at the various theatres I have worked for. It is fulfilling to know that I have played a part in the forming of thier lives. I know I have made an impact... and that is good.

So why is it that when a caramel colored child with curly curly hair smiles at me, my heart hurts a little bit.

Is it time? Should I move forward with the plan to have a child? What about a father? What about a family? I just dont know. Am I just supposed to have this empty ache?

It's confusing.

In the Marketplace…

2010-05-09T12:42:00.000-04:00

Went to church today and was convicted by the message. Let me explain that phrase. We often think of “convicted” as a bad thing. We think of it as something we should be punished for. That’s not what I speak of. I am talking about hearing something that resonates so deep in my heart that it is a call to confession or a call to action. I don’t think of that as a bad thing at all. So, back to what I was saying… I was convicted by the story of Elijah.

So to give you the short version, Elijah the prophet is driven to do the will of God regardless of the consequence. He is a superhero! He tells it like it is and battles for the Lord in the boldest of ways. We are reading through the bible as a church community at National Community Church. It’s a pretty cool thing – all of the sermons and series are connected to this journey through the bible. For more info on the program, it’s called From Garden to City and you can join the journey at http://www.fromgardentocity.com/. Okay commercial over – we’re reading through Kings right now. I will confess. I was beginning to feel like Kings was going to be like Numbers (I was not a fan). Then we got to Kings 18. Elijah confronts the worshippers of Baal and challenges them to prove the power of their god. He says that they should pray to their god and he will pray to the Lord and first to bring fire will be the true Lord. His faith is so strong that he even douses the area with water and taunts the worshippers of Baal. Fast forward to the end, the God of the prophet Elijah is proven to be the true God.

Why does Elijah step to this group of disbelievers and break bad with them? What’s the end game there? What is the benefit in putting himself out there this way? If this doesn’t work, he is a dead man. There are 450 Baal supporters waiting to rip him a new one. But he has superfaith. He has a powerful spirit that is “willing to play offense and rock their world.” (Batterson) This is what we need. We need a faith that propels us into the scary places to bring light to the darkness.

I know that this is my calling. I know that this is the Great Commission. I know, I know… but what do I do about it? Pastor Mark also said today that “we better live like we believe that Jesus is God – if that is what we believe”. I know I don’t do it all the time, I know I don’t do it in uncomfortable situations. But I also know that I keep being thrown into situations where the love and light of Jesus is sorely needed. What do I do? And that is where I sat, convicted and confused.

Years ago, I felt as though my calling was in theatre. While I still feel that my career is in theatre… I also feel pulled to ministry. I know that the answer is at the intersection of these two things. I feel closer to an answer than I have ever been. There are people in my life who feel the way I do as well. I am more stable in so many facets of my life than I have ever been. I feel poised for a breakthrough.

Pastor Mark called us to participate in a Pentacost Fast starting this Thursday. I intend to participate in this fast. I will be giving up television for ten days. I hope to find something concrete to pray for during this time – clarity seems too large. I want to find my place in the marketplace….my Elijah moment. I’ll keep you posted.

points

2010-05-03T17:15:00.001-04:00

Here is what plauges me about the whole points system. What happens when you just dont eat during the day? Today for example, I had coffee this am and halfway ate my salad and soup. I had a snack attack about a half hour ago and had some applesauce and a 100 calorie packet of goldfish. Even after I eat my dinner tonight I will have 17 points left. What the HECK am I supposed to do with that? Go on a carb bender?

I dont even want anything. argh. being a recovering foodie is tough.

An exercise in nothingness...

2010-05-03T17:09:00.002-04:00

That is what this past weekend was, an exercise in nothingness.

I had the best of intentions, cleaning, laundry, catching up on some reading...

What did I do? I sat on the couch and knitted. All weekend. Oh and slept.

Clearly it was what I needed to do.... this month is jammed packed - I probably wont get a weekend like that till I get on the boat... 20 days from now - holla!

It still felt weird.

...like it was my job...

2010-05-02T17:11:00.000-04:00

I watched the coverage of the Times Square bomb scare last night like it was my job. I watched every news channel, I flipped back and forth. I didn't boot up the computer... but I was tempted. I texted Momo to see where she was ( it was a Saturday night, she could have easily have been at the theatre). I worried and worried and kept myself up all night. I waited until Mayor Bloomberg gave his press conference around 2 before I could drag my arse upstairs to bed. I missed church - I lost a day.

...like it was my job...

reflecting on a win.

2010-04-30T12:45:00.003-04:00

last night I got a call that reminded me of why we are here. I have a friend, I will call her MeMe. Meme and I have started attending church together. She travels a long distance every Sunday to get fed by National Community Church. I love that about her.

She really took to heart some of messages that have been laid down in the past few weeks at NCC. Last week, Pastor Mark talked about not being able to live off of someone else's story and the phenomenon of having a second hand experience of God. This message led me to one of my Holy Spirit encounters. ( Again...I will blog on that later when I have fully processed it).

MeMe found in the word a place of hope on which to stand. This week, she actually spoke truth into a situation and it came through ( to a certain extent) she was so thrilled with the affirmation of faith that she shared it with me. I was so amazingly happy for her! This is what I am talking about...seeing faith in action.

Even more amazing... she quietly shared how she was called to be in communion with a couple of our mutual friends last night. That she simply listened to what they needed to talk about and she felt so honored to be in thier confidence. I think this speaks volumes to what a life in the faith can provide. She felt so right in her spirit, that these people wanted to share in her energy. It's what life in community is all about, right?

I needed to hear about how God was working in her life to remind me that He is working in mine too. That I need to be thankful for the communion, for the community and the intersections that give me the opportunity to put faith into action.

Amen, y'all amen. What a win!

The end of a "lost" week...

2010-04-30T11:47:00.003-04:00

It's Friday and I am glad that it is...

Like Pastor T.D. Jakes says " It's Friday...but Sunday's comin..." I definately need a recharge of some sort. This week has been super wonky. From doing All Shook Up all weekend to catching the Holy Spirit at Ebz last Sunday ( I guess I should blog about that too...) The week started all kinds of weird. That funky Nunsense call...blah blah blah. Instead of praying on it and staying in the Word, I have left it all the wayside. I have also eaten poorly and forgotten to take my meds. I have been scattered and uninterested in everything for most of the week. It's about to be a hoppin May. I have to do better than this.

I need the reset button. I need to go home, get in my jammies, have some popcorn and some TV. Get back in the the Book. Clean, do laundry and celebrate being free from bondage....

For right now though, I am gonna go read Pastor Mark's sermon from last week... or maybe even play it in the office ( my office mate is at a long lunch). Have my four point soup and some goldfish ( you know how I like my goldfish) and try to get my mind right.

Can you tell that I need a vacay? BAAAAAAAAAD.

Feeling Real

2010-04-28T23:54:00.000-04:00

I just settled down to sew up some costume pieces for a show at the Disco...when I found that Hamlet starring David Tennant (yummmm) was on. I flipped on PBS and got to sewing. By the time "...the rest (was) silence" I had gotten a good deal of my sewing work done. I settled into bed feeling fulfilled for the first time in a long time.

I was living my real life ... working toward making theatre happen while partaking of some great screen work. It was so nice. I fell right to sleep. I was being a theatre person, a real theatre person.

I felt real.

Today is annoyance day.

2010-04-28T15:43:00.001-04:00

I have been trying to get in touch with my travel agent for three days now. I have emailed every day, called once and now I have called the cruise line - who told me to call my travel agent.

Sometimes you get what you pay for. Me and Momo got a great deal on this cruise to Bermuda. Due to a typo when I paid for it, our reservation got cancelled and had to be rebooked. What I didnt know was that they had upgraded us to an oceanview or balcony or some such nonsense. Momo, however, DID know and told me what happened. ::sigh:: Well she shouldnt be punished for a typo, so I contacted the travel people... see the first sentence.

I better get a balcony after all this.

25 days!

It all starts with a parking ticket...

2010-04-28T10:39:00.002-04:00

Now for those of you who dont know, I work on the National Mall. I am also a pretty pretty princess who LOATHES the subway. so, everyday I drive down to the Mall and park there. I am one of thoe people who keeps the good tourists from finding a space on the Mall. I get parking tickets every couple of weeks ( but is still less than I paid for a space in the lot at Ye Olde). So, I am used to it.

What I am NOT used to is getting tickets in front of MY HOUSE.... at 1AM. I got into my car this morning only to find that a parking enforcement officer had generously given me a 50.00 ticket for an expired inspection sticker (oops).

Do i deserve to pay for my woeful civic neglect? Yes. Do I deserve to be ticketed at 1FREEKING am? Hellz no.

Made me very cranky. Had to vent.

losing weight on the broken road

2010-04-27T13:22:00.002-04:00

I am always afraid to publicly talk about weight loss. I am afraid that people will watch too closely and judge too much. Then again, they watch and judge anyway, so why not talk about it.

So, I am on weight watchers. I go to the meetings at work, which is really convenient. My office mate has lost a tremendous amount of weight in the two years I have been at the Disco. She is my inspiration. She never seemed to be suffering. She eats what she wants. She just chooses to eat better. That's my goal.

My goal since i started has been to actually do a whole week of staying within my " points" ( weight watchers teaches portion control by assigning a point value to every food. you have a certain amount of points per day - you choose how you spend them). Staying within my means has never been my strong suit ( just ask the credit card companies). Eating has been the one thing that brings me consistent pleasure. Now I have teach myself to each for life.

I made the decision to start WW because of side effect of my ADHD meds. I have very little appetite. I could clearly see that I only ate for emotional reasons when I couldnt feel hungry.
So, I decided to force myself to live more conciously.

How am I doing? I am 4 and half pounds down in a month. I can do this. It took way longer than a month to put it on and I certainly have gained more than four pounds in a month.

My first marker has already been met. It was to get under a certain number... I wont say what it is.

My next marker is to lose 30% of my body weight. It's not too far away... I'll let you know when that happens.

Funny Nun Monday

2010-04-26T23:30:00.000-04:00

...is it wrong when you have more fun waiting for the audition than the audition itself?

I was able to spend several hours in the company of a bunch of women I havent seen in ages... all shapes, sizes, colors and ages. It was kind of cool to see all of these talented creatures in one spot. All of us vying for the chance to be nuns in an upcoming production of NUNSENSE.

I met my friend M-boogie in the parking lot and we went in together. We found many pretty young things sitting on the settees outside of the theatre. Slowly but surely as the matrons ( me included) came into the lobby, the younguns moved to one side of the lobby to stretch and preen and be young and pretty. M-boogie really should be with them - but she is way more grounded and cool than them. ;) So she was with the over 40 crowd. For some reason, this theatre only calls her in for old lady roles... anyway thier short sighted ness.

We sat and laughed and cut up for hours and then finally went in. It was a short audie... a scene and a song. I have NO idea how I did. it felt weird. The director gave me notes and made me sing the song again. I dont know if that is a good or a bad sign. The owner of the theatre gave me loving looks - but then again she always does :)

Whatev... I drove home, had dinner and told the cat about my day. I have NO idea how this is gonna turn out.

Being Sylvia

2010-04-25T23:17:00.001-04:00

I have to say that being “Sylvia” in All Shook Up is still one of the best artistic experiences of my life. She’s such a great character and so much fun to play. The show is adorable and the music is Elvis… you can’t beat that!

I have had the opportunity to be “Sylvia” twice now and I no matter the circumstance, or the venue – “Sylvia” just fits like a glove. This weekend, I had the pleasure of reviving my role at the Way Off Broadway Theatre in Frederick, MD. I was understudying for a friend who had a competition to attend (she won by the way!)

I went in unsure, as usual, about being in a new place with new people. They welcomed me and celebrated my being there and basically made me feel like I belonged. Two important things came of this event… one was the confidence boost I needed desperately and two was the confirmation that my role in the world is to share what I know with others.

Several of the younger performers thanked me for the advice I had given them. It was really nice to know that my being in their world for even just a little bit made an impact. I’m a teacher. I’m an artist. I’m Sylvia.

Genevieve has issues with people

2010-04-24T02:45:00.000-04:00

I find that the hardest thing for me to do is be in community with people. It is really tough for me to have people depend on me or want to be with me. I don’t like the feeling of responsibility or obligation. Immature? I am sure…but it has been a part of my make up for a long time.

When I was a young girl, I longed for girlfriends to share my deepest teenage thoughts with. As I grew up, I made friends and have lots of lovely memories of slumber parties and concert, late night phone calls and notes passed in the hallways. I also have some very painful scars from the perceived hurts of a very sensitive child. I began to run inward as a teenager…not in that sulky kind of teenager way, but in the frightened of friends and the damage they could do kind of way.

I felt unsafe with people. I was always letting someone down. I didn’t say the right thing, I didn’t do the right thing and people punished me for it. Even if the punishment was in my head, I felt it… and felt it deep. It colored everything I ever did after that. I stepped tentatively into community with a couple of girls and had a ball for most of my high school years. Of course, we had drama and falling outs and all that.

In college, I decided to start again and I opened my heart to the Mount and everything there. What I am glad of is that when I opened my heart at that time… the Lord stepped in. I was called to attend the Mount and be on that Mountain for four years. My difficulties with people at college stemmed from my insecurity and sense of validity on the planet. It was easy for people who were even more insecure than me to manipulate and abuse me. I know that is strong, but some of the things that happened there would be categorized as abuse in any other setting. Torture even… nevertheless, I grew and found that my “weirdness”, My “ awkwardness” was part of who I was… and it made me interesting. I graduated from there wiser… weirder and still afraid to share myself totally with anyone or with God.

I’m gonna fast forward here through twenty years… amazing years – all culminating in my wonderful fortieth year. I would be a liar if I said, my issues with people were solved…far from it. I am still resistant to love and I am definitely resistant to being beholden to people. I have even punished myself in the past six months for letting people down and not being everything to everyone around me. But what has happened is that I find that the people I am letting into my world are accepting. The people who have remained from High School, College, RENT, jobs etc… are people who I have let down…and been let down by…. People who love me for who I am and who I could be… people who let me fall and help me up. I never thought that was possible. But it is.

Unsure...

2010-04-22T13:27:00.002-04:00

When things are unsteady, I tend to stand firm.
That could be me freezing up and not moving with the tide of what is going on, or it could be me being strong and solid in the face of uncertainty. If I were to be honest, it's more like the former than the latter.

I havent, in the past, been good with change. I dont like it. However, I have learned over the years to manage my dislike. Manage? Well, more like internalize it so it doesn't inconvenience anyone...and then it turns into a physical problem. For example, my back has gone out several times in the past month ... probably because my work world - the world I worked so hard to make stable is unstable again.

Maybe it's never going to be stable and I need to get used to that as the new " normal". I am keeping my eyes and my options open. There are a lot of balls in the air. I am standing still...I'm sure they are going to hit me in the head soon.

Dinner with my sister

2010-04-19T20:00:00.000-04:00

Every Tuesday I have date with my sister. She and I usually go out to dinner and then out to do a little shopping and a lot of laughing. She is my touchstone and I rely on that contact to really assess what life is about.

This week, we went to get my costumes for ALL SHOOK UP and then went to the Cheesecake Factory for some deliciousness. The conversation turned a little more serious than I had hoped when she started talking about the house.

That freeking house is the baneof my exisitance. I dont clean it and my mother is freaked about that. She wants me to do what she wants me to do when she wants me to do it. I know that my quasi hoarding is making her bat shit crazier. The piles are awful. It would be better if i moved down into the basement. But that requires so much freeking work. I just dont want to do it.

The reason I bring this is up is that what came out of the conversation was that my sister said " I just dont want you two to be miserable anymore". whoa. I'm miserable? Why didnt I know this?

What really blows me away is that she lays it out for me and I see it. I am miserable. I live in squallor as a manifestation of my misery. When did this happen? Five years ago. When I put on the brave face the day my dad died. I havent cleaned my room since then.

Damn. I thought I was doing well. sigh.

So.... this weekend

2010-04-19T11:17:00.003-04:00

...was kind of amazing.

It started with sleeping in. I reccomend it highly. I hit the off button on the alarm and let the sleep wash back over me for a couple hours. Then, I spent some quality time with the cat. Some of you dont know her. She used to be my sister's cat. When my sister moved into her own house, she only moved one cat with her (the mean needy one). Which left Nutmeg, the skeerdy cat, with me and Moms. She really is Mom's cat. They talk all the time and when Nutmeg needs solace or saftey she rushes to be all up under my mom. So she and I are sisters, I suppose.

Anyway, she really likes it when I am laying down...doesnt matter where. She will come and sit on me. Doesnt need me to do anything, just lay there. So as the sun was beaming warmly through the venetian blinds and the sounds of lawn mowers sang a springtime symphony, I read a novel while Nutmeg sunbathed on my tummy. Nice.

After that lovely morning... I decided to break my fast with a little bagel and peanut butter and then I felt inspired to clean. Readers, this is not usual AT ALL... nor is it any easy task. For years have been lazily accumulating mountains of stuff and my ADHD never allows me to get rid or clean any of it. But armed with the magic pill and a cup of coffee - I did it! I straightened the living room. It's not perfect, but it is almost presentable.

I was so happy that I could do it and I know my Moms is realived. She hates the squallor and despises herself or not be able to clean it herself. I hope that doing that little bit gave her a little peace of mind. I am determined to have the house clean ( or at least orderly) before I leave for my cruise!

Guess Who's Back?

2010-04-16T14:26:00.002-04:00

I decided to come back to blogging because I think there is a lot going on in my life.

Let me explain. I still have my job at the Disco, still live with my mom, still have feelings for the bad news bear - all that is the same.

But I started going back to church, started weight watchers, was diagnosed ADHD and went on medication, the organization I work for is being reorganized, i am trying to launch my third theatre company, I need to clean and redecorate my house, I have been asked to audition at Toby's, i am understudying at a theatre in Frederick, i want to take a cruise and I havent taken my car in for service. See? A lot.

As Pastor Mark would say, let me unpack that statement a little bit ;)

I started going back to NCC regularly. It is important for me to be connected to a community of believers and to be challenged to move forward in faith. I can give up pretty easily - one of the main things I give up is church and God. I know! I am ashamed to even type that. But it's true. When the road is too tough, I dont fall down on my knees and ask for help. I just run and run and run...as if some how the running will lead me to an answer.

Weight watchers has been in and out of my life for the better part of thirty years. Much like going to church - when things got too tough, I just left it. I suppose I am ready now to make the changes in my life - as opposed to going on a diet. I have to feel better, I have to do better. I am commiting to trying - and it's working. I am making positive strides toward being a healthier eater. Eating for life and not for comfort, all those kinds of things. Oh, blogosphere you'll hear a LOT more about this as I progress.

In December, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Forty years and NOW I know why so many things were uncessarily challenging for me. I have started on a regime of medicine and implementing tools to keep my life in order. Things are looking up on that front. I think it's what has enabled me to progress in other aspects of my life.

the Disco is changing. The parent organinzation is doing strategic planning and doing a reorganization. It's stressful and everyone is unsure. I cant really speak too much to it - cuz I dont really know more than that.

One of my bucket list items is to establish a theatre company that lasts. I want to make it my career to run this theatre. Like Michael Kahn or Toby Orenstien. It would be a lasting leagcy to the art that I love. I am taking very slow steps to make this one happen. I am still hoping for a summer show, but I dont know if it will happen. I am incorporating and getting our tax exempt status together and trying to make some contacts in the community to do some partnerships and such. It all takes time...and we all know I am impatient.

The house, the house, the house. Me and Moms still live together and I am drivng her crazy with my quasi hoarding ways. She really wants to live in a tidy little house with few things, a cat and a daughter or two. What she has ended up with is a pig sty with me! oops. So, I am plegding to make some changes and to clean the jont and redecorate some of the rooms. I am going to turn the basement into my pig sty - I mean studio/office. Complete with a big table to do crafts/having meetings at and shelves for my eight million books and tchotcke. Perhaps when it is done, I shall even throw a dinner party.

I just got called in the audition for NUNSENSE at Toby's. For those of you who have known me for any length of time - I have done this show three times already. It was actually the first show I was paid to do at the Lazy Susan Dinner Theatre. I have fond feelings for the character of Sister Hubert and I would love to tackle her again now that I am closer to the actual age of the character. We'll see, i'll keep you posted.

Next week, i get to revive one of my all time favorite roles. That's Sylvia in ALL SHOOK UP. I am doing a little understudy gig at the Way Off Broadway Dinner Theater in Frederick Maryland. I'm a little nervous cuz they dance more than i did the last time - but I have a video tape and a week - we'll see what happens!

I got my tax refund and now all I want to do is take a cruise. I have taken the time off and I know which one I want to go on ( 7 days to Bermuda on the Celebrity Summit). Only glitch is that I am afraid I will need the money to take care of my car. I have been a really bad car mommy and havent gotten it tuned up in a while. I am skeered now that when I take it in, it will cost me the whole refund. That will leave me cruiseless and cranky. This is one of those times when a lottery win would be AWESOME.

Okay, if that isnt enough in the life of me...you'll have to tune in later for more posts. My brain is tired.

Peace out!

First Rehearsal - Getting MY Head in The Game.

2009-01-31T22:53:00.008-05:00

So today was the first rehearsal for High School Musical. It was great! Lots of fun - people were in a great mood and ready to work.

I arrived at the theatre only to find that there was no power. Let me tell ya - this was NOT the way I planned to start the day. It was cold to begin with and there would be no hope of it warming up if the power hadn't been on all night. SIGH.

I was there ahead of time to audition two more guys for the show. We're still short a couple of fellas ( So, if you know anyone who might want to do HSM for a couple of months - please let me know). I was worried I would have to audition them in the parking lot. What a great impression that would have given! The stage manager arrived and opened up the bar at the top of the hill. There is a dance floor with a bank of windows that would give us light to work. SHAWEEW. The guys never showed up, which was a bummer but the people that did show up were ready to roll!

The choreographer started them off with " We're all in this together" the big dance number at the end of the show. I thought everyone did really well. I know some people dont think that they are dancers, but they all did really well.

We did a read thru of the script. The group had fun being silly and really learning what the story is all about. It's a sweet show and I am very excited about how good the group is. We were missing our "Ryan", "Martha" and "Darbus" as well as a few additional Wildcats. We'll be almost complete tomorrow and I will take a "class picture" then.

I've started taking a few snaps for my scrapbook.... I hope you enjoy them.

Thought I would stop in...

2009-01-19T22:04:00.003-05:00

There's a lot going on right now.

The country is changing...a person who looks like me is about to become the most powerful man in the United States. There is a spirit of amazing hope and optimism. I want to be a part of that. I am just not sure how.

For right now, I am keeping on, keeping on... Grad School, Working, Theatre....

Grad School

I am taking Text Analysis again ( I didnt finish it the first time ::sigh::) and Playwrighting. It's a lot of reading and writing, but I dont think it will be too much.

Work

Disco Theater keeps me very busy. The days really are flying by. We are already thinking about next season. There are some exciting things coming down the pike - i'll let you know when I get the go ahead.

Theatre

This is where it is getting interesting... I just got offered the position to direct Disney's High School Musical at the Lazy Susan. It should be quite an adventure. I think that is going to the direction of my blog for a little while.

So, that's what's happening...it's busy .... but y'all know, if it's busy - it's Genevieve :)

Be breezy!

Emotional Adultery

2008-07-02T16:59:00.001-04:00

As usual, a mere moment of shared time with Pastorfriend ™ offers me hours of contemplation. I love that she brings my thoughts to a higher and more complicated strata every time we talk.

Last night she brought up the concept of Emotional Adultery. The idea is that you offer all of this support and love to someone who cannot or will not return or complete the relationship. Often times this happens within friendships between gay guys and straight women. I think this is absolutely true. I think that we ( straight women) get “involved” with men who “get” us and we think that all that sharing is healthy and wonderful. However, we try to have relationships with straight men and we are stymied by the lack of emotion or confused by their behavior or whatever happens.

Might we have been training ourselves over time to expect less and less from our potential partner by allowing these emotional “ lovers” to take so much without reciprocity? I think this is true. But what does one do? To a certain extent, we’ll put up with some of this for life – we have friends that we don’t want to lose so we compromise.

I don’t have any definitive answers on this on. I am still thinking it over. What do y’all think?

back from oblivion...

2008-07-01T17:08:00.003-04:00

Well, not really oblivion... just life as usual.

I have been inspired to return to blog world by of all things a podcast I have been turned on to. It is probably one of the most idiotic, crass, unecessary podcasts ever created and I LOVE IT. It's two straight white drunk guys watching bad movies and talking about it. Reel Drunk

It's about as messed up as you can get and for the past couple of weeks I have tuning in eagerly every Tuesday to get my fix. (warning: coarse language, seriously coarse themes and well coarseness abounds - not a podcast for the faint of heart)

These fellas are hella smart and I know for a fact that at least one of them is wasting his time. I like them a lot and want them to be my friends... is that wierd? Probably.

Anyway, enough about them... about me.

I am doing great! I have risen from the ashes of March and I am now feeling like I am on track.
Very quickly ( since I am work and need to get back to it)

1. I left "The Center" - I took the job to get away from "Ye Olde" and it was more dysfunctional than "Ye Olde" EEK. Leaving wasnt pretty, but it sure felt good.

2. I left the guy - it was simply the wrong connection. Neither of us had our heart in it.

3. I started a new job , we'll call it "The Institution" ;) It's awesome. It's challenging, it has growth potential and it's definately keeping me busy.

4. I am doing All Shook Up at Toby's for the summer. I am having so much fun doing it you would not even believe it.

Don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of challenges going on as well;

1. Some chronic pain - although I have been losing weight - the joints and the back wont stop hurting. I will be seeing a doctor about it soon.

2. School - I am struggling to finish two classes this summer. I forgot to fill out my FAFSA for this year so I dont know how I am going to pay for it and yeah, I think that's enough of that.

3. I cant seem to get my house clean and that is totally frustrating. I thought when my sister moved, I would be compelled to make it all shiny and new. Nope, I just shifted my mess into the spaces she left empty. Nice.

4. and last but certainly not least, I have been absent from NCC and my relationship with God for a good long while. I couldnt tell you why... but I know it is affecting me.

I'm working on all those last ones... and celebrating the all the good ones. Life is life y'all - up down and sideways. Never boring, always a trip. I hope that it's all good where you are too.

In the meantime,

May tomorrow be a perfect day
May you find love and laughter along the way
May God keep you in His tender care, till He brings us together again.

Peace out!G

Broken - part one - the day job...

2008-03-25T23:15:00.000-04:00

That is what I am.

Friends, I dont think I have ever felt more off base than I do right now. My body is certainly reacting to my brokeness in it's usual way. I am battling something akin to a monster cold. The verdict is out on whether it is a virus or an infection, but let me tell you it has been a whopper. I have been so drained and so tired and when I am not sleeping off that feeling, I am coughing up a a lung. It's pretty.

On a deeper level, I know I am sick because I am unhappy. My immune system shuts down when I am stressed, depressed or tired and for the past three months I have been all three at once.

In Janaury, I gave my notice at Ye Olde and with hope in my heart and a fancy new title ahead of me, I lept into the arms of the The Center (tm). At it's heart is a founder and artistic director whom I respect for her work and leadership. I wish that I had met and worked with her two decades ago - I think she was in her prime then. I was too scared to audition for her ( or any one) then. Ten years after that, I did audition and the beginning of my real audition phobias began. When my friends convinced me to audition again and I got the role of "Audrey II" - so many good things happened for me.

I thought that the organization was a place where I could establish a nice little niche and stay for a while. I was half right. The theatre is a nice place for me to get some positive acting experiences and a nice little chunk of change. The organization (meaning any aspect of production or administration or it's not for profit subsidiary) is a soul sucking vortex. People get in there, get comfortable ( I dont know how, but they do) and stay forever... but they are miserable. I dont want to be one of those people. I can see how easy it is to be one of those people.

You dont want to hurt her. You respect and in a way love her. I have learned, the hard way, that her love comes at a high price. To earn her love you must blindly obey even if it is irrational. You must agree even if it skews your moral compass. You must accept that she will turn on you and be mean and awful at one moment and then pretend like she didnt do a thing the next. All of that nutsy kookooness has to be blankly accepted. So parts of you die off and the parts that live are angry, bitter and immune to the hurtfulness.

PS Y'all this is a JOB.... not a relationship, not a marriage, not a family... a JOB... for all of that you must thank her for being underpaid. I TOOK A PAY AND BENEFIT CUT AND AN INCREASE IN CONTRIBUTION TO MY HEALTH INSURANCE for this malarky. Yep. I blew this one.

Now, I could run off to New York like I have done so many times when life in DC seems to stupid for words... but I have committed myself to many things ...projects, communities, relationships... and it just wouldnt be fair to dump them all. For the first time in five years though... it actually sounds like a good idea...which scares me.

The other option is to change day jobs and rearrange " the plan" a little bit. While I think this is the path I will take...it is the harder choice. I dont do hard choices well. I dont change very well and I think this is going to require a big change.

I am pouring all of this out to the universe, not for solutions ( though opinions, commiserations and suggestions are welcome) but to acknowlege that this is happening. I have a problem articulating what "the matter" is. I tend to lump it all into the category of depression and let it stew there... this is where I would usually say " I don't know". The thing is, I DO know. I just need to do something about it.

Broken - part two - grad school

2008-03-25T23:00:00.000-04:00

I have to withdraw from one of my classes this semester. I was so stoked that I only had one "book" course this semester. I started out very hopeful that I could keep up with the assignments especially given my new job situation was going to be so flexible.

RELATED JOB TANGENT, FORGIVE ME:When I interviewed for the job, the General Manager indicated that I would be able to work from home one day a week and that my hours would be rather flexible. This gave me hope that I could, on the day I was working from home, devote some time to doing school related work as well. She also indicated that I had an in office schedule that would allow me to have a few hours during the day to work on school work. None of this was true at all. From day one she clamped down so hard on me I still have bear trap marks on my butt.

When the flexibility I had hoped for didnt manifest, I was stymied. I tried to put in a few hours after my commute from Columbia to Emmitsburg - but that just didnt work. I couldnt put in the late hours writing and researching that I had the semester before because I now had to be to work an hour earlier with almost an hours commute. I had to lay down and go to sleep as soon as I got home or my health would suffer ( ha ha). I just couldnt make it work. Assignments were being turned in a week late or not being turned in at all.

Finally, this week, I realized, I would not pass this class. I asked to withdraw or to recieve an incomplete and finish it this summer. I am still waiting to hear what the dean has to say about that.

The thing is, in my program, I am probably the only person who is 100% in the business - morning noon and night. That is my problem and my advantage. I hope that they take that into consideration. Otherwise, I'll be studying for the GRE and applying to new schools.

The level of shame and embarassment that I have about this situation is immense. However, like I said in my previous post - this "confession" is about acknowlging my situation for what it is and moving forward. So that's how school is going...

Broken - part three - my new beau

2008-03-25T22:25:00.000-04:00

This will be the shortest of the posts. My new fella is 15 years older than me, I met him through an online ad. He is educated and old school ( opens doors, pays for things, has some southern gentleman ways about him). He thinks I'm beautiful and interesting and wants to wine and dine me and show me off. He's a grown man who has been married before, has two grown children - I can't imagine he is looking to start a new family ( which is okay, I dont know that I am the family type). I believe he is fond of me. I know he desires me. I dont know that he loves me.

All of it sounds quite nice, yes? And yet, this is the not the kind of relationship I should have. I dont think that he will ever come church with me. ( and if I am being honest, to be with him, I have missed a couple of weekend services - but that is a WHOLE other post) I am sure I could introduce him to my friends and he says he would like that - but I dont think that my friends will see what I see. Or maybe my friends will see what I dont want them to see. It's complex and it's a compromise.

When I am with him, it feels right...when I come home, I dont know. That's about all I have to say on this for now.

Broken - part four - me and God

2008-03-25T22:00:00.000-04:00

This is the big Broken.

I haven't opened a Bible in months.

I haven't prayed.

The last time I was near the church was for an audition for a show at the church.

I am disconnected, disillusioned and disheartened.

I believe that everything else that is broken is because I have put God on mute.

I don't know when I got too busy for Him, too scared of Him, too needy for the things of this world to cling to Him - but I have.

I am completely Broken.

I have messed up my life on the inside. On the outside, it just looks hectic and over committed. But it's over committed so I dont have time to deal with what's broken on the inside.

I have been too ashamed to reach out to my pastorfriend (tm) or pastor mark... or the beautiful community I built just a year ago.

I am completely Broken.

I state this only as a battlecry. Not as a litany of complaints, nor as a laundry list of things that people can save me from. I am not the person I have been. Please dont read this and think you can rescue me. You can not. You may not know this, but I do - EVERYONE'S life has broken spots. I just happen to be secure enough in my brokeness to list them out. Believe me, this isnt all of them - not nearly all of them.

I do not know what the next steps are... I only know that they are my own, it's my road... the broken road.

dropping like files...

2008-03-02T22:36:00.002-05:00

So am working on a show up at the Mount and it doesnt look good at the moment. I've been getting a rough vibe on this one from the get go. So far of the 18 people I cast, I have lost 5. None of the principals, so far...

The rehearsals have been rough and the kids are lukewarm about it. The music doesnt sound right and there is no one doing the production management. I definately am not being paid enough to coordinate every aspect of this show.

I just had someone drop out becasue they wanted to go to the Senior Prom. For real? The SENIOR PROM - Like this was high school. I dont know why I picked up this gig. I have no support and I am not having any fun with it.

Interestingly enough, I am not having any fun doing much of anything right now.

I know, I know life isnt all about fun... but I will say this, I liked it better when I was an actress.

Clown to the left of me... Jokers to the right...

2008-02-29T10:05:00.003-05:00

Nothing ever really goes as planned does it?

I am sitting at my new desk at my new job and some old feelings are popping up. There is a feeling a dread that I get every time my "boss" is mentioned. She's a little unstable - meaning, she does very little save read everyone's email and blame other people for things not getting done. She's a bit of a sad sally with a penchant for complaining.

I will say, I dont feel like commiting myself to a mental ward every morning like I did at Ye Olde... but I aint jumpin out of bed singing "Oh what a beautiful mornin'" either.

Theatre people are unhappy people. I have always known that, but I don;'t really know what to do about it. I certainly dont want to go off and work at IBM or something - but what else am I to do?

Can you believe it? I am trying to figure out what to do with my life... AGAIN.

Oh well... I have stuff to do - on todays menu: a class to teach, letters to write, press release to craft, audition to go to and a date tonight. When I put it like that, it doesnt sound so bad ...LOL

plus the poster child for antidepressants has the flu so she is out today.

Lunch at the Macaroni Grill

2008-02-28T13:41:00.003-05:00

Back by popular demand.

My blog.

No really ya'll I was ( and still am to a certain extent) so busy that I didnt have time to breathe let alone blog.

But here I am. Trying again. I was really groovin for a while there and then life exploded... well, that's really dramatic but you know what I mean.

Today, I am thinking about why it is that I go to a restaurant and eat three times what is considered a normal human portion.

Why does that happen? No one holds a gun to my head. There was the bread.... there went the bread ( yes, we'll have another LOAF!) Then the pasta... lots of pasta ( oh, I'm full... but this is so tasty). WTF, people!!!!

I wonder why I couldnt have put part of it in a container and took it home or left it at the office for lunch tomorrow? I'll need to eat tomorrow.

I'm feeling overstuffed, guilty and confused. Food is my friend...Food is my enemy.

PS: The bread the Macaroni Grill is laced with CRACK. I'm just saying....

Monday, monday...

2007-11-12T10:53:00.000-05:00

It's a busy day for me.

My sister's birthday is today so I have to go get her a token of my lpve and devotion. I am going to run out to the Michael's and get a gift certificate so she can get a poster and a certificate from her time in Teach for America framed. I think she will like that. She's thinking about how she will decorate her new house so things like that are important to her.

Leftbrain (tm) is out sick today, so I wont be harrassed at the j-o-b today.

I am still playing catch up, but I think I can get a handle on it this week, if I don't get distracted.

Tonight, we move into the dressing room at Toby's Sound of Music is officially in tech.

I am overdue on my writing class assignment - I think I can get it in tonight if I can write at Toby's. I will be glad that I only have one actual book class next semester. (I will be doing module classes for a week and I will have a directing internship) If I didnt have the day job I think it would be better ( in so many ways). It's been kind of tough getting all my assignments in on time this semester.

On top of all this I am still battling this "cootie". It's screwing with my voice and I really dislike that. I hope that it will go away before opening night.

Okay, that's about it... I better get down to it.

The Tooth Fairy, Y'all.

2007-11-11T23:18:00.000-05:00

14 hours of sleep, a cup of tea, some slippers and laundry

2007-11-11T14:49:00.000-05:00

That's what today is all about. My throat is not feeling better. But I have paid off all of my ebay purchases ( Barbies are my weakness... I just won a Donny and Marie set, a Dooney and Burke, a Powerpuff Girls and a gorgeous Avon Special Edition. I'm stopping, I swear - I had a bad week and needed a boost). I am working on some assignments for school, between naps and relaxing.

It's going to be a busy week, Sound of Music opens Thursday and there is still a LOT to do at work in order for me to get comfortably caught up.

But today...ahhhhhhh.....weekend.

Long day.

2007-11-10T22:25:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty long day today.

We had our final rehearsal for Sound of Music before tech. It was an all day thing with a half hour for lunch. Pretty exhausting, but I think that the show is almost ready.

Then Chaneylah (tm) and I went to get her a vehicle. Car shopping is pretty tiring and then add to it that we went to Ghettomotors (tm) to obtain the Chaneylahmobile (tm) and lets just say... it was the longest evening I've had in a long time. It started with a used car salesman jumping on us the second we got out of the car - hate that. Then Miss C had to haggle for financing - which I think is so stressful and a little soul sucking. Once that was done, they got her " into a car" but it had to be driven to the dealership from another location. An hour after that, we found out that they had forgotten about bringing the car over so we had to wait for even longer. Meanwhile, in the dealership the cast of characters that passed through was just astounding. It was "Ghetto fabulous" - down to the point where the dealership was clearing out and the sales people pumped up the Jay-Z music and started looking at porn sites on the company computers. I am not kidding. Five hours later though, Miss C rode off the lot in a really cute bright blue buggy.

I am sitting in the big chair now. Hoping that this throat thing I am feeling is not going to get any worse before SOM opens. I'm off to bed.

Tonight.

2007-11-09T20:57:00.000-05:00

I'm posting this blog entry from the office of Toby's dinner theatre. It's a long story, but bascially I am doing my homework here tonight so I can give a friend a lift. Good deed for the day if you will.

But I have to say it's not a bad experience. There are lots of people in the company of this show that were a part of my terrific Little Shop experience. So, I'm getting lots of hugs and waves and stuff. Maybe I needed this today.

It's been a long week and I was feeling out of sorts. I keep forgetting what it feels like to be whole - to be home. To be loved. It's what I feel when , well, I am in my home ,at the Mount and here at Toby's. They've embedded some kind of homing device in me. I always come back.

Home Sweet Home.

Seal.

2007-11-08T15:16:00.000-05:00

There's a guy in my office... Let's call him Seal... Seal got a big promotion.... Genevieve did not. Genevieve thought up a way to deal with distributing the 10$ tickets the theatre said it would sell this season... Seal did not... Genevieve's idea, "20/10" launched this week and was a success... Seal has been taking credit for it all week... I would like to club this Seal. I would like to make a Sealskin coat of this Seal.

I would like to know why I am getting jacked at the this joint AGAIN.

I got so upset after hearing him make it sound like it was his idea in a conversation to the Artistic Director, I had an asthma attack. Now my chest hurts and my heart hurts.

Weeble Wednesday

2007-11-07T22:29:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday afternoons, I get the pleasure of leaving the world of Ye Olde and enter the world of elementary school. ( One of my co-workers has dubed all little kids "weebles" and the name has stuck.) I am co-teaching an after school group. It's about 30 kids in grades K - 5th grade. They are all fascinating! They are full of energy and for the most part totally open to playing and acting. The only reticence I sense is from the older kids ( the 4th and 5th graders). It's interesting to see at what point in a child's development the peer pressure kicks in. Fortunately, by the time we really get into what we're doing that day, they forget how cool they are supposed to be and act as silly as every one else.

I was terribly scared to work with this young population. I thought for sure that they wouldn't respond well to me and I would be struggling to maintain. But I was pleasantly suprised by their wholehearted acceptance of me. I am able to teach and play with them and they respond...with no agenda, no prejudice. It's totally the kind of experience I need right now and I am ready for more of the same.

Weebles ROCK!

Sucess at Ye Olde

2007-11-07T11:09:00.000-05:00

Last night, a program I proposed was launched. The event was incredibly successful. It was one of the largest audience turn outs for a preview performance here - no mean feat as this was the new space which is twice a large as the old one. almost 700 people under the age of 35 came to see a show and listen to a friend of mine spin in the lobby. It was FAB.

The best part about it was that I made sure it was made known that this was MY project. I didnt want someone taking credit for my work AGAIN. I have been encouraged to send a report to everyone regarding the program. I will do that today as well as do follow up work with the new audience. Even though I have mixed feelings about my job - I have very strong feelings about the theatre itself.

Best moment of the night? When the Artistic Director of Ye Olde came over and gave me a big hug and kiss and said " Good job, honey, this is amazing!". ::sigh::

And for a little added fun...here I am at the event. ( Thanks to Miss Carol for the photo!)

Um...

2007-11-05T14:14:00.000-05:00

Crazyman (tm) gave notice. He'll be gone by March...will I?

Sister Margretta takes shape

2007-11-05T14:03:00.000-05:00

I am working on The Sound of Music at Toby's. I have been cast as "Sister Margaretta" the "nice" nun. She is the Mistress of the Postulants, which means she is the nun who is charge of the women who are contemplating a life in the clergy. She guides them through the process of discernment, where they spend time in and out of the abbey trying to find out if the cloistered life is truly what God wants for them.

Why do I know so much about this? I was in pre-postulant discernment with the Daughters of Charity in 1989 - 1990. I was in serious contemplation of a life as a nun. I had a "Sister Margaretta" in my life. Sister Mary Robert was her name. She was a lovely woman, about 35 or so, she liked a lot of the same things I did - art, music and theatre. She guided me thru the process and prayed with and for me. I invited her to come see me in a play I was doing at school. It was Agnes of God - dont laugh, yes I invited a nun to see that play.

After the show, she and I went to dinner and she told me that she had been thinking it for a while, but after seeing the show she was convinced. My calling was not as a nun. She spoke a life of theatre into my life that day. I was crushed and thought I was somehow unworthy to serve God. Now I know, Sr. Robert blessed me by sending me on... on to do the things I was meant to do.

As I look to embody "Sister Margaretta" I definately take a little Sr. Robert with me. Wisdom, gentleness, laughter and faith. You can't beat that.

I'll give you more info on what the process is like later... that was just what was on my mind today.

Bat Boy: The process begins...

2007-11-04T19:57:00.000-05:00

I just spent the afternoon with Dr. Mentor at the college, hammering out some details about the upcoming production of Bat Boy:The Musical that I am directing for them. I am really excited to be back on the director/teacher side of things.

I asked him to give me some assesments of the students we had on hand and what kind of talent we were looking at. I think we'll be okay. The show only requires three really strong leads and the rest of the cast just has to be willing to go out on limb for comedy. It should be an interesting experience to see these young actors tackle a script they arent familiar with and really have to "work" through it.

I love being up in the mountains...it's so peaceful there. The air is different and I feel really enegerized after being there for a while.

There is a lot of work to do. Right now, I have to secure two choreographers and an accompianist...get some set design ideas to the TD, come up with a costume scheme ( so that a student can shop it), find someone with a score so we can come up with musical sides for the audition and well, think about the over all concept for the show.

I'll keep you posted on how it's going.

The name of my next cabaret show... Feels Like Home.

2007-10-09T16:43:00.000-04:00

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself,
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how low I've been for so long...
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
Feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
Feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

Feels Like Home - Randy Newman from Faust

Getcha Head In the Game...

2007-09-19T00:16:00.000-04:00

Okay you guys... remember earlier in the year when I maligned the pop phenomenon that is Disney's High School Musical? Well guess who is directing HSMjr? Yes, me as part of a class I start teaching next week!

Left Brain (tm) would have an aneurism if he knew he allowed me to change my work schedule at Ye Olde to direct middle schooler in HSM. I think it is poetic justice.. and frankly going to be whole lot of fun.

The opportunities just keep on comin' AMEN. Maybe soon, there will be enough of those that I wont even need Ye Olde to sustain.

I guess I gotta " get my head in the game". Yeah, trust me I went there.

And for some truly fun HSM stuff, check out this video from University of Michigan Musical Theatre students - FUN - E.

We're all in this together.

The Grey Elephant

2007-09-16T23:25:00.000-04:00

I haven't been going to church.

Haven't been for most of the summer. Partially because my schedule was so messed up this summer and partially because I just didnt want to be there.

Nothing against the church. I love NCC and it is filled with amazing people. It's about me and my own hang ups.

I was trying to get back into it and to go back to service... so today, I decided to listen to one of the webcasts. It would be the one where my beloved PM says the statement that homosexuality is wrong. The whole rest of the sermon is focused on the issue of alcohol, but that one statement made me so sad.

I don't want to be in this place. I am trapped in a place where legalism/moralism whatever you want to call it, threatens to make me separate from people who saved my life. How do I love and support my friends, my urban family and stay faithful? This is so heartbreaking.

So much so that I want to shut it away. Like I have done with so many things in my life. I don't know how to deal with this.

I am left lonely and afraid about this. I want help, I dont want help. I want to be left alone. I want to turn of the voice of PM and pretend that I dont hear him.

Opening Night

2007-09-05T23:27:00.000-04:00

Okay. It's open.

The Wiz is almost in the past. Last night, I ended up gathering a basic black outfit out of my closet, just in case. Good thing I did, because when I got to the theatre.... I had no costume - on OPENING NIGHT. People. I am not kidding. They seemed so unconcerned about it too. That was when I shut down. I was, like, y'all get what you get. I was so mad.

After the show, the AD comes to me and says " This worked out better anyway... you looked great." WHAT! I almost blew a gasket. And when the director came over to me and tried to throw his arms around me and congratulate me, I had to ask him not to do that. Now, I know that isnt Christian of me... but I couldnt pretend that I was happy about the way it all turned out.

I need some sleep and I need this to be over.

Um, I dont know what happened tonight.

2007-09-05T02:00:00.000-04:00

Earlier today, I sent an email to the powers that be asking if someone had secured a costume for me. I got an email back stating " Oh, we forgot about you." uh huh.

I got to the theatre and someone excitedly told me that they had something for me to try on. It was a "halloween store" witches costume...which did not fit. I did the run ..it was rough. I wont lie... I am not sure this is a good show. There are some really talented folk in the show. There are some good moments. But overall... this is turning out to be a "short bus" collision.

I can't even seem to remember the words to the one song I sing. Lord, help us.

Who had an anxiety attack in a dance studio?

2007-09-02T23:45:00.000-04:00

Why that would be me. The whole Wiz process is driving me batty. I feel less prepared for this show than anything else I have ever done in my life. And it just doesnt seem to matter. It's like a dance recital gone horribly wrong. I just dont know, people... I just dont know.

I dont think I will be inviting anyone to this.

Marty Thomas

2007-08-31T21:08:00.000-04:00

Bestill my beating heart.

Here's the funny thing... I should just write down all the names that Beloved ( tm) uses in a conversation because someday I'll want to know who that person is. For example, Beloved (tm) was talking about how I should sing "Love You I Do" from the Dreamgirls movie for Barry and Marty's wedding. He mentioned it because he and this fella named Marty Thomas were flown to Chicago by a couple getting married and he sang the song.

I thought, yeah yeah yeah - maybe I should sing that song. I was so wrapped up in me that I didnt ask " Who is Marty Thomas?" ( I didnt want to look stupid to Beloved since he was like "you know Marty Thomas..." so I cleared my throat and said "oh sure" ).

What I was depriving myself of was one of the best voices and most amazing high tenors I have EVER heard. He rocks my socks. I spent hours You Tubing and Googling this guy a couple of nights ago. There are few people that I can honestly say I want to meet and even fewer people I actually want to sing with. This is one of those people.

Prepare to be amazed, for those who dont know...here's Marty Thomas.

Update peeps…

2007-08-31T20:57:00.000-04:00

Little Shop closed and I am definitely sad about that. I miss the show, the cast, the band and Toby. I would work there again, mos def.

School has started and I am behind already…LOL I am late turning in an assignment for my Research and Aesthetics course…but it’s a paper on "Theatre As Sin"… so you see what I am struggling with. I sort of want to drive to Virginia Beach and ring their little evangelical necks. It’s all good though… they let me in didn’t they? That means God has a plan for me AND for Regent Theatre. Watch out!

Work is still the passive aggressive breeding ground for bitterness and great classical theatre it has always been. This Fall we will be featuring new cast members in the roles of “heifer who got a promotion and has now lost her mind”(tm) and “middle manager who is now king of donothingness”(tm) but never fear, Crazy Man (tm) and Left Brain (tm) are still in full effect. I am tired of em all – but I keep on keeping on. I just have to get through school and get a teaching job.

There’s some good news on that horizon. I was offered some parttime teaching gigs ( which I have to ask Left Brain for permission to leave work to do). But if I can make it work, I probably could parlay it into a full time gig in the Spring. I like the director of the theatre school and it fits with what I am trying to prepare for – full time teaching of general theatre courses. I do get to direct the spring musical at my alma mater – so that is very very cool. I’ll keep you posted on what that will be and what the process is like.

Speaking of process, I am going into tech for the show that wins the award for MOST DIFFICULT REHEARSAL PROCESS. The Wiz has been the most convoluted, disorganized thing I have ever been a part of. I have had to take my super duper anti anxiety pills to get through the past two rehearsals. I am just glad that by this time next week it will be almost over.

Well, I better get back to convincing my professor that Theatre is NOT sin… I’ll try to be better at keeping updated. Peace out y’all!

Lost in Your Eyes...

2007-08-10T11:57:00.001-04:00

I am sitting at work folding letters, allowing the IPod to send me back in time. A little Depeche Mode, Meet Danny Wilson and Debbie Gibson. ::sigh::

Certain songs take to specfic places in my past. Debbie Gibson's " Lost In Your Eyes" makes me think of a short road trip to Baltimore when I was in college. A few of us hopped in a car and headed to the Inner Harbor for a little fun. We went to the Aquarium and the MD Science Center and shopped in Harborplace and had dinner at Phillips. It was the quintessential "Inner Harbor" day.

On the way back to school, we were all tired and mellow. I had a huge crush on the guy driving - he was everything I never wanted (LOL) - a beer drinking smoker who had a slightly angry vibe about him. No direction and no real passion - PERFECT! LOL. Next to me was the bad boy's best friend...one of the two loves of my life (the other being Beloved in NYC) - the first one. Only, I didn't know it until that moment.

He had fallen asleep an his head dropped onto my shoulder and he looped his arm through mine. I looked at the sleepy young man next to me, sandy haired, awkward, creative and passionate and felt a warm blush wash over me. I looked into the rear view mirror and saw the bad boy looking at us and smiling - he seemed to know something I didn't. I found out later that what he knew was that the sleepy man did indeed "like" me a lot.

While all of this was happening, Debbie was crooning:

I just fell, don't know why
Something real we can't deny...

I wish I could tell you that we dated all though college and parted amiably. But it is far more complicated than that. He is married now and we hear from each other occasionally. The unresolved things between us float out there like radio waves - the same kind of radio waves that created the soundtrack in that car headed to Emmitsburg almost 20 years ago.

::sigh::

The Wiz

2007-08-09T14:54:00.000-04:00

As I start to wrap up my days on Skid Row, I just wanted to tell you about another road I will be on this fall... the yellow brick road. I am playing "Evilene" in the Expanded Dance Project's production of The Wiz.

Here's the scoop!

The Wiz

book by William Brown

music and lyrics by Charlie Smalls

based on the The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by Frank Baum

September 5 - September 9, 2007

The Atlas Performing Arts Center

1333 H Street NE, Washington, DC 20002

For tickets go to atlasarts.org or call 202.399.7993

Come join me as I "Ease on down the road..."

Books A Million

2007-08-06T17:22:00.000-04:00

or, my room...

It seems that I have done a book overload.

I dont know why I do this, but I get into a book buying frenzy and end up with an embarassingly excessive pile of reading materials.

Such is the case right now. That lovely photo you see is of a bag of books I am taking home tonight from work. I joined the Literary Guild ( You know buy 5 for .99 get one free and add an additional one for 5.99 then buy two more over two years - you end up with about 10 books for 6.99 each.

I know, I know - shut up. This and snack food are my vices ( at least this one wont make me fat...er)

Um...

2007-08-06T14:35:00.001-04:00

I think I was accepted into grad school.

go me.

The Bourne Ultimatum

2007-08-06T14:24:00.000-04:00

I am not a huge fan of action movies. I am also not one to rush out and see a film the opening weeken ( I have still not seen the Harry Potter flick!). For some reason though, I felt compelled to see The Bourne Ultimatum. Perhaps it is Matt Damon ( yum). Even though, I don't go out and see everything he is in ( I have yet to see Good Will Hunting). I have however, seen all of the "Bourne" movies.

I got to the theater (mere minutes from Toby's), picked up my ticket, my "lunch" ( a #1, popcorn soda combo) and headed for the theatre. I found a long line of people waiting outside the theatre. I got in line, confused and said "Um, when did this movie open?" The couple in front of me laughed and said " Friday." Oh. Hence the line.

I took my sister's seat ( up in the far corner in the back) and took out my book. The theatre was PACKED. I ended having a very talkative father and son sit next to me, but really - it was okay. This movie was so loud and jam packed with action I didnt even notice after a while. It went by so fast! It was so much fun. Matt Damon humanizes the genre of action films. His quest for knowlege about who he is - and how he got to be who he is today is really compelling. Plus what he does in a police car on the streets of NYC is so totally cool!

I say go see it. Not right now though...the theatre's are crowded. ;)

Come on!

2007-07-31T15:39:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you have to share pictures...

This is TOTALLY one of those times. My friend Ryan's picture on Myspace made me so happy I have to share it.

The puppy's name is Byron - BTW.

Have a great day ya'll...

Quiet and alone.

2007-07-28T09:35:00.000-04:00

I am posting this blog entry from my bed in my pajamas. The TV is off, nobody is home. For the first time in a long time I am alone. I'm not in transit. I'm not late for something. I'm not surrounded by people ( I love or not so much). I have things to do, of course - but not right now. I've spent a little time with my bible. I've spent a little time with my computer. And now I am going to turn it off and just listen to the quiet. Listen to what God has to say for a change.

Happy.

Finished!

2007-07-27T23:45:00.000-04:00

I finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows tonight at the theatre. The book was kind of slow to start and very dark. I didn't think I was going to like it. I am not one to read a lot of witches, wizards, fantasy stuff. Harry is such a likeable character - I have been sympathetic to him through six books and wanted to know how everything would turn out for him. In the end, I was not dissapointed. That, of course, is all I will say about the content of the book.

I started reading the "Harry" books when I was working for the producers of RENT. Scholastic ( the American publishers of the books) has sent one of the producers some of the series. They were thinking of producing a live action show version of them. This was before the movies came out or people were really even talking about them. The first two books has just come out in the UK and Scholastic was launching the books here.

I read a LOT. I always have. When I was answering phones for the RENT guys, this one producer was fascinated by the volume and variety of what I was reading. I always had a magazine or two on the desk and anything that came in for them (The NY Times, Variety, Billboard) I read first. So he would always ask me what I was reading. He plunked the first HP book on my desk and said " Tell me what you think of this" I read it in one night, came back to him and said " are there more of those? that was totally engaging and fun." He had one more and he told me why he had them. I told him to take the option. There was money to be made in these books.

Now, this was almost ten years ago and I don't know whether he invested or not. I hope he did. These books have been a fantastic ride. I think for many many years to come people will find hours of reading pleasure with our friends Harry, Ron, Hermione and Hagrid. I thank Ms. Rowling for the hours of fun I have had.

On to the next book!

It's going to take some time this time...

2007-07-26T10:20:00.000-04:00

It's going to take some time this time
No matter what I've planned
But like the young trees in the wintertime
I'll learn how to bend...

- It's Going to Take Some Time , The Carpenters

So, in the spirit of being brave (sort of), I sent an email to someone I "fancy". I just thought he should know I was interested since when we are together, I certainly dont give an indication that I think he's special. I couldn't possibly. I am so ridiculously shy when it comes to most things. Putting myself out there scares me.

Ive been rejected a lot in my life. You get really tired of hearing "no", so you stop asking. You settle. I am trying to stand up for myself more - put my desires and needs on the table. So, I sent an email that said basically "Hey, I'm really shy, but I think you're neat - wanna have coffee or something?"

He replied and asked for a raincheck. He's on a deadline and he's way behind. I don't know if that is good or bad. But I know it isnt a NO. He's a really good guy, so I think he is worth waiting on a raincheck. I am not going to try to strong arm him or anything. I have prayed about this - I asked God before I even sat down to send the email. I am leaving the rest up to God and this fella. It's going to take some time, this time...

Hairspray

2007-07-25T22:40:00.000-04:00

I saw the movie Hairspray today between shows. It was so much fun! I was skeptical, since I was a huge fan of the original film and I really enjoyed the musical ( and still hope to be in it someday). I wasnt sure that another movie was nessecary. I was wrong. This little confection was terrific. It gave some shout outs to the original film and took much of the musical and combined them into a joyful event.

I would say that my favorites were John Travolta, who gives a suprisingly vulnerable performance as Edna Turnblad and of course, Nikki Blonski who tears it up as the effervesent Tracy Turnblad. Tracy has more depth in this film than in the original or the musical. Her character actually has an arc. You're not just happy for her at the end of the film, you're proud of her.

I loved it. Go see it, you won't be dissapointed.

You can't stop the beat...

Huh.

2007-07-24T13:50:00.000-04:00

I got the title change. What does that mean? Why do I feel obligated to the organization now? What is the lesson I am supposed to be learning here and how long will it take to learn it (isnt 4 years enough - you can get a degree in that time!)?

Confused.

Update on Brave or Stupid

2007-07-24T13:12:00.000-04:00

Don't quite know what is in the air, but LeftBrain (tm) has taken up the cause of my title change ( almost four years after he brought it up in the first place). He has contacted ElDiablo (tm) and given him all the reasons why the title should be changed.

Naturally, CrazyMan (tm) opposed this change, stating that I would stop doing my job if my title didnt say it. What he doesnt understand is that I will stop doing EVERYTHING else they ask me to do if I dont get the change. Tra la.

The truth about my own strength...

2007-07-24T12:56:00.000-04:00

I recieve the daily devotional from Pastor Joel Osteen at Lakewood Church in Houston, TX. Today's email really convicted me. I want to share it with all of you.

I am blessed to be surrounded by many wonderful and strong people. Sometimes we're a little too strong. We struggle with things that we dont have to. we carry the weight of the world and it isnt ours to carry. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded of that.

Today's Scripture
“They did not conquer by their own strength and skill, but by your mighty power and because you smiled upon them and favored them” Psalm 44:3 (TLB).

Today's Word from Joel and Victoria
Do you need God's strength to conquer something in your life today? Maybe you need strength on your job, or to overcome an addiction. Maybe you need strength to deal with a difficult person in the office. No matter what you may be facing, God desires to give you His supernatural strength in every situation. It's interesting that in this verse that it says, "because God smiled upon them and favored them." Did you know that simply calling on God causes Him to smile on you? Because you are His child, you have His favor! God loves to show Himself strong on your behalf. When you open your heart to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you for doing things your own way, He will forgive you! Best of all, God chooses to forget your past mistakes! It doesn’t matter what happened yesterday, today is a new day. Don't let the enemy's lies keep you powerless. Be strong in the Lord knowing that He is with you, smiling upon you and showering you with His favor. As you meditate on this promise, you will be strengthened to overcome every obstacle, and you will live a life of victory!

A Prayer for Today
God, thank you for smiling on me today. I ask that you show me your favor so that I can walk in your strength today. Thank you for equipping me with everything I need to live as an overcomer. I bless you and choose to honor you in everything I do. In Jesus’ Name. Amen

In the woods between Wilmington and Aberdeen.

2007-07-23T23:30:00.000-04:00

That is where I spent about 3 and half hours today.

After having yummy pancakes with strawberries and watching SoapNet with my girl MoMo, I set off for my train trek home from NYC. I was totally making fantastic time, I got out of the cab at Penn Station, ran into the Borders and picked up Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows and pickd up a my ticket from the QuickTrak machine. I went downstairs to the place I always wait for the train announcement and waited a whole 2 minutes! I hopped on the train, put on my eye pod, opened up my bottle of seltzer and immediately got sleepy.

I napped for a little bit ( I didnt want to fall totally asleep - a really cute guy sat next to me and didnt want him to hear me SNORE - LOL - I'm so vain).When he got off the train at the Newark Airport stop, all bets were off! I feel asleep and was awaken by a really loud announcement from the conductor.

" We're gonna be stopped here for a few minutes, we have to replace a part We have the part on board, it should only be a few minutes." I had a bad feeling about that. 15 minutes later, he came on and said that the problem was more serious than they thought and we would be here a little longer. Uh oh. I called the SM at Toby's and gave her the heads up. I told her I would call her in a half hour. When I called her for the THIRD time and told her we still hadnt heard anything, she called my undertsudy and my understudies understudy. I wasnt going on tonight. I didnt even know if I would be back in DC that night.

I started to get a little panicky - it was hot on the train and all the people around me were getting on my nerves. I like to be left alone when I travel.

We ended up being loaded on to other trains ( I couldnt get on a new train until the last train came - it was an empty train and all of us who were supposed to get off in DC ended up on that one.)

I was supposed to be in DC at 5:20pm. I got there at 10:20pm. I drove home and petted my sisters cat, had some baked ziti ( yum) and went to bed. No Lil Shop for me.

Even with this HUGE pain in the butt experience, I wouldnt have missed Saturday for the world. I still have warm fuzzies thinking about it.

But oooooh does AMTRAK owe me! I am so writing a letter!

Restoring my faith in love.

2007-07-21T22:21:00.000-04:00

I wasn’t in a very cynical mood about love or family to start with. I love my family and I love love. I want to have that special relationship in my life. I had just put that kind of thing on the mental backburner. I have been struggling with some depression issues for the past couple of weeks. I have a handle on it now, but that is why you haven’t heard much from me. I really didn’t feel like being a big whiny baby and complaining about things that none of you could do anything about.

I took it to God and He is working in His own way and His own time on it. Okay, that being said, I was also dealing with some performance anxiety. I had been asked by some dear dear friends to sing at their ceremony. I was flattered and scared!

As it got closer, the logistics of actually doing the songs became pretty complicated. I was worried I wouldn’t even have music for the event. That all worked out, I picked a couple of songs that had pre-recorded tracks available and I sang them. Apparently pretty good, people were very kind and said nice things to me afterwards.

Which brings me to the restoration.

When they spoke their vows of support, fidelity, love and respect, I believed them. My heart was filled with love for them and for the possibility that each person on earth could find someone to share the road with. These two people love each other. They have made each other better people. I have watched them grow in stellar human beings. They are gentle and kind and sweet. Their lives together are exactly what I want in a partnership, from a marriage.

I felt blessed and very honored to be a part of this event. It was a wonderful day. I was surrounded by love and family and just pure joy. I danced and ate cake and cried. It was everything a wedding should be.

Marty and Barry Brown-Marr, est 7/21/07

Brave or Stupid

2007-07-19T00:50:00.000-04:00

I just spent the better part of an hour composing an email that will probably bring the rath of LeftBrain (tm) down on me.

A couple of people in my department recieved promotions. I was told months ago that these were titular only and that nothing would change. Day before yesterday, those people who recieved those "inconsequential" title changes were told that they should start attending the weekly managemnt meeting. I suppose that is titularly based as well.

Frankly, I think it stinks. I think that one of them does less work than me. Has brought NOTHING new to the table -while I am doing four jobs ( one of which is HIS). I just wanted to have my title changed. I have asked for it for several years now. It's been promised to me since I got there. And has it happened? Nope.

So I spent an hour expressing my displeasure and confusion. And I think I feel better. I have put it out there. I feel shortchanged and I let someone know.

I also feel like crying. Again. Now, like a battered spouse, I am afraid that my boss is going to be mad at me - like he was mad at me for taking a mental health day last friday. I am afraid he is going to be verbally and emotionally abusive to me in retailiation for me speaking my mind. Like he has been for for the past three and half years.

Pray for me people. I'm not wrong to speak up. Why does it feel that way?

It was wrong, It mattered and I release you.

2007-07-18T20:19:00.000-04:00

I have been trying to finish reading John Eldredge's Wild at Heart. It's a tough book to read for me. Though it is geared toward the lives of men, it has tapped into some of my issues. How interesting that this book that I bought last year and kept putting aside had inside of it one of major issues in my life. Eldredge talks about how men constantly struggle with the concept of being un- authentic ( is that a word?) -of being found a fraud.

His theory is that it comes from a rejection in early life or a lack of support for your identity (he speaks of the constraints placed on being a male). It totally applies to the way I was brought up.

I was told that I was being silly. That I didn't feel the way I felt. I recieved the message that what I thought and felt didn't matter and I have had to come out from under it my whole life.

I'm on the part of the book that talks about forgiveness, forgiving the people who undermined my development. Showing forgivness to people who hurt me, and forgiving myself for the things that I do. I think that forgivness is the most of difficult thing for me to handle. I have never been able to truly let things go. I hold grudges. I am often angry and unable to express it. I want to control the world around me and when I cant, I want to step out of the world completely.

I have a list of situations I probably need to go back into and pray for forgivness and offer it in return. The title of this post is a quote from Wild at Heart. A personal goal of mine is to use that phrase to try to heal that part of my life. The middle part of that statment "It mattered" is the most difficult. There are many times that I dont think I matter. That my existance is a burden. I try not to get too involved in peoples lives so I dont get in the way. When I say how I feel and it makes people upset, I am embarassed and think it would have been better for me not to be here at all. Intellectually, I understand that I matter. Emotionally, I have allowed the Enemy to convince me that I dont. In turn, I have allowed people to hurt me and I have stuffed the hurt way down deep. I know it is time to let it out and let it go. It's a struggle I feel compelled to share. I think that putting it out in public, may assist me in addressing it.

Perhaps the reason why this book is so difficult to read is that God is telling me the truth in it. I am always trying to be a better person. I hope that I can make changes I need to.

Laundry

2007-07-07T22:10:00.000-04:00

Okay. I have a confession to make.

I don't ever make my bed.

I do everything I can NOT to take out the trash.

and most aggregious of my bad housekeeping sins... I wait till the very last second to do my laundry. I mean... hours before a trip...half hour before I am supposed to leave the house. I just dont do it.

and I dont know why.

When I lived away at college, I would save it all up and drive home and do it. My mom stopped doing my laundry a long time before that. My excuse was it was so far from my dorm and I never had any money.

When I lived in New York - the laundromat was at the bottom of a long hill and I lived in a four floor walk up. It was weight training on a grand scale. I would wait until the very last second ( aka: I was out of underware) then I would either buy some more ( yes, I did indeed buy more drawers instead of doing laundry) or cry and drag pounds and pounds of laundry down and catch a cab back up the hill.

Pathetic? yes. I know.

I tell you all of this to say I have been doing my laundry for two days now. I have done 9 loads and I proably have two or three more to do. Plus - dry cleaning ( add two more loads). REE DIC U LOUS!!!

But, there are lots and lots of clean clothes around and that makes me happy! ( and cute - cuz my cute clothes are clean)

Feeling loved

2007-07-06T12:33:00.000-04:00

Last night, I got to the theatre and one of my colleagues said " I have a suprise for you, but I cant give it to you yet." Later, a few of my cast mates gathered round and I opened two bags. They had made tee shirts for me with "Voice of Audrey II" on them! They thought I should have them for curtain call. I was sooooo touched. It's so great to feel loved and appreciated when I go to work. A marked difference from what happens in the day time.

I am feeling optimistic though, I feel as though a break through is right around the corner. Perhaps I'm crazy from the heat... or perhaps my time has come :)

Ease on down...

2007-07-02T15:03:00.000-04:00

I just got off the phone with the Artistic Director of Expansion Dance Project. She offered me the role of "Evilene" in The Wiz. Awesome!

The summer of eeeeevil continues. It runs in September. I will send out more information as I get it.

But...yay!

Geeky Pleasures

2007-07-01T00:42:00.000-04:00

There is a least one person who reads this blog who will whoop with laughter at this post. I just finished watching an episode of "Doctor Who". I am not the biggest sci fi fan - my far out fiction joys tends to come from the "bodice rippers" and chick lit that I devour like snack food. But there is one show that I have loved since childhood. I have dreamt of stepping into the Tardis and taking a trip in time like the Doctor and his companions.

I have not spent much time with the Doctor lately, but every so often, I am up late and catch the show on one of the local public television stations. That's what happened tonight and my eyes were just glued!

One of the conventions of the show is that every so often, the Doctor changes form - giving the show the opportunity to recast the part. The latest Doctor is soooooo cute. Christopher Eccelston is his name - so delightful. The Ninth Doctor may indeed be my favorite. I was totally ga ga for, like the sixth doctor ( I think it was the sixth - some time in the eighties when I was a teenager)... and now frankly I'm a little ga ga for this one too.

cuuuute!

Like I said in the title... geeky.

Good Night Y'all.

The Petsmart puppy commercial

2007-06-30T12:10:00.000-04:00

Why do some commercials make an impression and others dont? I have a new favorite commerical - Petsmart has a commercial where a couple comes home and tells thier pet bulldog that they brought him something. Then they sit down a trembling puppy bulldog in front of him and say "A sister." The bulldog stares and then pushes his little red chew toy toward his new sister and she chops down on it. A friendship commences. I LOVE THAT!

I don't know why it touches me like it does but it does.

Divagirl update

2007-06-30T00:59:00.000-04:00

Whinypuppetboy (tm) apologized and I accpeted his apology. I didnt allow us to dwell too much on it, I made sure we just went on about our business. An extended conversation would have been unproductive. No drama, just life. I thank God for the opportunity to put what I have been learning into practice.

Bon Voyage, Sir Fabulous.

2007-06-29T10:24:00.000-04:00

Today is the last day of Sir Fabulous' internship with Ye Olde.

I hope that he has learned a great deal and has had some fun. Life can be hard. I tried not to add to the crap life gives by being a heinous boss. I hope that he learned how NOT to live his life through the mistakes I have made. I hope that he learned a little more about himself and what he wants for his future.

I pray that I have helped him prepare for the next chapter in his life.

I pray that his new fellowship is filled with opportunities to communicate his vision and his passion.

I pray that he doesnt forget us here in the Capital City when he is famous in the Big Apple.

He's a good guy with a bright future. He has touched Ye Olde in ways the organization has yet to discover. We are blessed for the time we shared with him.

Bon voyage, friend.

Divagirl strikes again.

2007-06-29T10:11:00.000-04:00

After the show last night, Puppetboy started giving me notes again. I tried to be calm about it and even walked away to avoid saying something ugly. I did what a responsible professional should do and I told my stage manager that there was a repeated incidence of a cast member giving me notes. I told her if it happened again, I would request an official meeting. I thought she would be cool about it and be "warned" that it might be coming. Instead, she went to the actor and I am sure in the unkindest of ways told him to back off. She called me last night to report what had happened and that he was defensive about it and she had commanded that he give me an apology.

Great. Now puppetboy will hold resentment against me for telling someone of my displeasure. I have been listening to Joyce Meyer's Approval Addiction and I realize that my bristling about this issue is part of my own problem with being critized and being found lacking. I dont think he is 100% correct for giving me notes after every stupid show, but my reaction to it could be better. I am sure I could just let it roll and say "God is my only critic." I am, however, a human being and as such succeptable to the "slings and arrows" of other humans. I am working on it.

So today I am praying for the best way to be a beacon of peace to the dinner theatre. I certainly didnt intend to cause any trouble. I will pray for forgiveness of my pride and ask for a little more strength.

Saturday

2007-06-23T16:18:00.000-04:00

I slept in the for the first time in a long time. It was delightful. I was perched on my big chair trying to work on my resume when my cell phone went off. It was a director ... I was supposed to have auditioned for a show today. OOPS. He called me to ask what happned. Er I Um. He wouldnt get off the phone till I promised to hop in the shower and come down. Fortunately, it was just up the road a piece.

I sat in the hallway of the place - freaking out. I couldn't remember the lines to any of the songs. I dont know why I get so messed up. The director came out brought me in to the room. There were lots of friendly looking people in the room. I felt a little more confident. Then I told the director I couldnt remember any lyrics. So the Musical Director gives me the big song for the character I was auditioning and I nail it. It was a short section, thank goodness. I read the side and made them laugh. So, I think I may have gotten the gig. When I know for sure, I will let you all know.

I came back home and now I am chillin' once more before I head up North to be Ms. Audrey II.

Not a bad Satuday in the city.

Two Show days...

2007-06-20T23:43:00.000-04:00

Two show Wednesdays are the best. It's the day I wake up and feel like I am who I am supposed to be. I know that I am going to do something I love all day long. It's just been the coolest day really.

During the shows, ive been alternating between reading and working on the MAT workbook. I've gotten through the review part and now I have to work on vocab and remembering all the stuff I forgot from college ( It's like studying for a Jeopordy tournament!)

Between the shows, I had dinner with the stage manager ( what is it about me and stage managers - I always seem to befriend them!) We shared some stories about our lives. She shared some insight into some of the relationships and people in the company. This really helped me because it gave me a whole new way to pray for some of these people. The thing is, the theatre is a mission field ripe for revival. Theatre, as generalization, is filled with a lot of hurting people. We are by nature, seekers and we often fall into things that seems to satify that need for community, validity and love while we are on our quests. I feel very strongly that I am called to the theatre to help people. I dont know how that is going to play itself out... but I know the opportunity is there. The pain is there for sure.

Anyway, that was a major ramble... it's late...and I am happy.

Divagirl and Godgirl collide

2007-06-20T15:06:00.000-04:00

I've been working with one of the best casts I have ever been a part of for months now. Of course, we are all drama queens and so there are moments where everyone is a pain. But for the most part, they are professional, talented and efficient, we have put together a fabulous Little Shop, if I do say so myself.

What I am about to complain about then?

My number one theatrical pet peeve: actors giving other actors notes.

For those who dont know, notes are what the director, musical director, techincal director, choreographer or stage manager give performers or techinicians to inform them of places where they " miss the mark" or need some improvement, etc.

Notes should NEVER be given from one actor to another. If you are talking to a fellow actor and you ask thier opinion or ask what they think you can do to make a task ot a scene work better - that is different. Walking up to someone before a show and telling what they should do differently - totally uncool.

To be specfic, one of the actors who operates the plant wants to make it my issue that he cant seem to sync the plant with my voice. He is always a beat behind. Therefore, he wants me to give him an audible cue as to when to open the " mouth" of the plant. Uh, no. The other actor who shares " plant duty" with him has no problem with how we have worked this out. That is probably because he took the script home and studied his lines ( my lines are HIS lines too). He says the lines while he is in the big plant so the movements match the words. He has also studied me, so he uses some of my head movements for the plant ( which is neat - and pretty hard to do - the plant is really heavy and takes a LOT of upper body strength to manipulate).

The thing that irritated me the most about the situation, aside from this child coming up to me and telling me how perform my lines, was that he went to the director and told her that both puppeteers were having serious issues with how I was doing what I was doing. Which, after talking to the other puppeteer, I found out was not true.

So, I have to let the whole thing go really. Half of the time Whinypuppetboy (tm) wont be there anyway. Since I know whcih shows those will be, i'll just have to pray harder for some patience on those days :). Over all though, I still have to give thanks for an experience that is just what I need right now.

I guess that is how a Diva moment turns into a God moment.

Amen, Ya'll