The process ... Rehearsing

When you are a featured player, this is to say that you are not a principal and not ensemble, you have a lot of time on your hands. You can run your lines and read a magazine... A lot of times though, I watch people.

The director's method is always of interest to me. This director likes to run the scene and stop. He then gives notes and works all the kinks. This is very effective for this group... They need the immediate feedback. It makes for slow going.

At first I really didn't want to have to sit around ... I have social anxiety and I am afraid of new people. Now, I realize this time is giving me an opportunity to analyse the characters I interact with. I am able to create sone back stories based on what they are doing and what the director is saying to them. I guess it also generates commeraderie because I am here with them.

Anyway, that's all from the rehearsal hall...
Smooches!

Mama Morton research

So my first dig came up with some background on the show, the time period and who my character was designed after.

I went with the last clue because I had actually heard of the woman before and wanted to know more. She was based on Sophie Tucker - a brassy vaudevillean from the 1930's. She initially performed in blackface ( if you dont know what that is, it is a style of minstrel show done with white people painting thier faces black and doing clownish "coon" songs - hugely popular - HUGELY offensive... but it does give some context) Sophie went so far as to hire black performers to teach her to "be black". Hmm.

I was taken aback by this a bit and I still dont quite know what to do with that information. Is Mama a nasty "coon" character? I suppose I could play it that way and people would enjoy it. But maybe there is more to it.

Looking at Sophie Tucker, her history and choices... I think she might actually be a good place to dig deeper. I think I am going to get a biography of her. How does a Russian Immigrant become a vaudeville star? How does that influence Mama Morton. Stay tuned...

Being intentional about art

I am an artist. This is true. I am often unintentionally so. I do it cuz I can.

I am trying something new in my journey. It's inspired by my small group THE ARTIST'S WAY. It is important to be intentional and to do what I do on purpose.

To this end, I begin blogging about my process for developing the character of Mama Morton in CHICAGO. This is one of my favorite kind of roles.... one that is more of a cameo than anything else. Two songs, two scenes be fabulous and I'm out! The risk in that is I can easily zone out and not put any effort into my process.

That is why I am doing this. If I claim to be an artist, and I long to encourage and teach others to honor thier process, I should actually be intentional about my process.

Today, I am thinking about how to go about developing a character. The writer and the composer have given me the skeleton, the outline of the character. I bring my own nuances and personality to the mix. To start with I am going to write a biography for my character. I'll take the information that I have been given - the clues that lie in the script and in the words of the other characters and develop an idea of how and why she is who she is.

One of the challenges of doing this process for a musical theatre piece is that the potential for one dimensionality is so high. You have to make a choice to be real on stage. I think it is the difference between the performer and the actor/artist. I have to be truthful, I have been known to perform. Just go out there and do "my thing". Realistically, I dont think most of the audience will know the difference or care - especially if I sing the heck out of the numbers. But I will know. And for the first time in a long time, it actually matters.

Stay tuned.

Spending time

I'm once again moving into a new place in life. It isn't a dramatic move... It's more like when you're on stage and they tell you to move a little to the left or to the right. Thus is usually so you are in your light. That's what this feels like. Like I am
making adjustments and each one places me more in my light.

I don't know how I feel about it. Some days it's all good and I'm like,awwwww yeah spotlight baby! Somedays I feel like I am getting a sunburn from the heat of the light. Today I feel a little toasty, but not burnt.

I think it may be how I spend my time. I can be very very busy. When I get that way I neglect myself unmercifully. I don't eat.... Then I eat too much, or I eat the wrong things. I don't do laundry, I don't clean, I don't count my money, I don't count my blessings.

When the busyness stops for whatever reason, I am left empty, ill and often very depressed. I have bankrupted my body and soul and have to rebuild. This time, in the middle of the busyness, I have been doing things like a little laundry... Staying on program... Well for this week . We'll see how I spend my time next week.

itchy.

I have bad skin. The older I get the worse it gets… not wrinkly (cuz black don’t crack) but bumpy and easily irritated. I also have a tendency to mess with anything on my skin… hairs, bumps, scars. That only makes it worse. I see pictures of myself from even ten years ago and my face was so much clearer… not some spotty mess. It embarrasses me more than I can express. It’s like my personal failures manifest on my face. You can’t hide them… the world sees it all.

I realized today that part of the reason that I messed with my skin so much is that it was itchy and dry. So I started applying lotion. Simple, right? Just that little soothing gesture alleviated the need for me to pick and pull and scratch at what was irritating me. Isn’t that they way it is with everything? Sometimes, all we need is a little soothing – a balm to ease the hurts and the itches, to moisturize the dry patches of our lives.

We wear the scars of when we pull, scratch and fight. Some of wear them on our faces, some of wear them on our hearts. I hope that all of my friends who read this know that I feel what you feel and I am praying for your balm…for your solutions too.

Follow Your Bliss ( reblog)

This is a re post from the Women of Faith Blog. I know, I know, I promised some reflections on the cabaret - but it has generated more than a simple blog post. I think it may have been the catalyst for a life change. I am stepping through the door God is opening... I think. I will fill y'all in on it when everything is sort of in place. In the meantime, I think this is good food for thought.

(PS: the author of this post (Anita Renfroe) is HILLARIOUS... go to You Tube and type in her name...watch her go - she's v v clever)

My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. — Ecclesiastes 2:10 niv

"I saw Anderson Cooper (of CNN) give an interview recently, and in it he responded to a question regarding the best advice his mother (Gloria Vanderbilt) ever gave him. He responded that she advised him to follow his bliss and the money would come. He had a dream to be a reporter and he now anchors each weeknight with his own news show. I don’t know what your “bliss” might be, but I urge you to find a calling in life and attach it to your work.

Whether you have a job and wish you didn’t, or don’t have one and wish you did, or if you wish you had different people to work with or report to, the dailyness of your workplace can become a mental drag if you don’t choose to see it as a place of purpose and mission. The Bible gives us clear principles regarding whatever labor we undertake.

Read Colossians 3:23, Luke 9:62, Romans 13:1, Matthew 7:12.

These scriptural principles allow us to see that we are working for more than a paycheck, that we are committed to endurance and excellence in any undertaking, and that our Real Boss doesn’t inhabit the corner office, but has it all in his hands.

— Anita Renfroe"

On being alive...

The thing is, it shouldn’t take the death of one of your peers to remind you that you should be a better steward of yourself. But…

Last night, I found out that a man younger than myself, a mainstay in the Washington theater community collapsed and died. Last night. This guy had potential, he was very heavy though and didn’t get cast because of that.

I have been struggling with back pain all this week and I turned my ankle on Wednesday and have been hobbling around all week. I know that the reason that my back messed up again is because I ate my way through my mom’s surgery. I was worried and sad and bored and stressed… so I ate and ate and ate- as though her convalescence was some kind of holiday from self control.

I’m so messed up y’all. I know there has to be a better way… I just haven’t found it yet. I am still doing weight watchers and I am back on the wagon. I suppose that is something. I just don’t know what else I can do to get my mind right about this. It’s an addiction, clearly. I abuse food.

But I am alive, praise God. Every day that I wake up is another day to get it right. In church they asked us if there was anything that we were believing in God for – something so large and audacious that I could not do it without Him.

I think this might be it.

Falling off, jumping back on...

Today is another day.

I have sucessfully put back on the weight I lost during my time at weight watchers. It took two weeks. It took me months to take it off and TWO WEEKS to put it back on. Stupid.

Now my back hurts and I twisted my ankle and I am just miserable about this.

I'm back on the wagon now - but it's really really hard.

I have to admit how I actually feeling instead of smoothing it over with food. Dag nabbit.

Right now, Im bored ... and anxious... and hungry ( but it's almost lunch time and I built a gorgeous salad for lunch)

Back on the wagon, back on the wagon, back on the wagon.

Hanging around thinking about life...

Some of the questions I hate:

What you would do if you knew you could not fail?

What would you do for free?What makes you cry?

What makes you angry?

These are the kinds of things people ask you at job interviews, therapy sessions and counseling sessions. LOL.

If life were simple, there would be something that answered all of these questions. Then, somehow, magically, I would have the answer of what to do with my life.

What would I do if I knew I could not fail? Write novels, sing on Broadway, tell the person I love how much I love him. Pray out loud. Be a preacher. Be an elementary school teacher. Be a college professor, direct musicals.

What would I do for free? Most of the things above. However, the world charges money for things…so I need a job.

What makes me cry? Betrayal. Rejection. Shame. Injustice. Poverty. War.

On a less grand scale – the plight of urban young people… it’s painful to see how much some people have and how reluctant they are to share and show God’s love in action. In return, it is painful to see young people who have given up on life because they think no one gives a damn about them.

What makes me angry – see above.

I am angry that five years out there are people still living in FEMA trailers in NOLA – that if they were of a different ethnicity or economic strata they would have homes by now… but because those in power (on both sides of the aisle) ignore those who “don’t matter” they continue to sink deeper and deeper into the third world in the middle of the first world.

And if you think that’s not true… take a look at Haiti – six months out ….going into hurricane season… and they are living in squalor in tent cities.

How do I turn all of that into a life calling? How do I take care of myself and the world…?

Times Like These...

My mom is having surgery tomorrow. She will have a procedure that will change her life for the better. She is excited and hopeful that she will be more mobile and more comfortable than she has been in more than a decade. I am hopeful for her.

I am also scared. She’s my mom. She’s not as strong as she should be… neither am I, truth be told. I don’t know if I can handle it if something happened to her. Anything can happen, ya know? She has been the grown up in my life, my whole life. I can’t lose her – I’m not ready. But just in case, I have to be ready that something could go wrong. I mean, my dad was going in for a procedure and he never came home. He was much sicker than my mom… but she misses him so much. I am afraid that she will go to be with him.

She’s so awesome. I mean, she is smart and funny and can cooooook! Her talented hands have lovingly created everything from Halloween costumes to nursing scrubs. She has shown me what devotion really means. If I ever get lucky enough to have a partner in the life, I hope to be loved and cared for as much as she loves her husband and children. When her husband passed away, she mourned, naturally, but she also lost 174 pounds and found a away to control her emotional eating and got a grip on her own health. She has been the caregiver to so many… and now she needs care.

So, at times like these, I have to lift it all up to God.
None of this is up to me.
None of this is going to go according to my plan.
It’s not my doing.
I have to leave it to the Lord.

Prisoner of Guilt

I find myself always looking behind me. I am always worried about other people's response to what I do. I know part of that is because I have been known not to work at full potential. I know now that some of that is due to my ADHD. Some of it is due to depression. Most of it is due to self doubt and fear.

Since I have spent the better part of a lifetime doing what I believe is "sub par" everything, when people call me on it I feel like the whole world has crashed down on me. I am ashamed and afraid that I will never get better.

So, any time there is the possibility that someone is reporting on me or I have to have a review or something - I get scared. I feel guilty. Even if I am doing the best I can. I feel like eventually someone will find out that I am a total fraud.

I am a prisoner. When will I be parolled?

Oooh, I think I love you…

The nice thing about life is that sometimes you get little suprises. Today I got a package in the mail from a colleauge/friend I had “done lunch” with weeks ago. I totally thought she had forgotten about me. It was just mentioned in passing…my love for David Cassidy. She happens to be friend of his. For realz! She also happened to executive produce one of my favorite all time CD’s “Old Trick New Dog”. Which I was going to order on I-tunes the week we talked about it. She told me she would send me some signed stuff and I laughed… well ha ha on me… I got a package today with a signed photo and a signed CD… I KNOW! Cray to Crayzee! I am spending the rest of my work day in David Cassidy heaven J

Sunday blues

When I was a little kid, I just to just get so sad on Sunday nights... it was back to school and my world of freedom would be over. I don't know how I sort of got over it...maybe I never did.

Tonight, I am sitting at my computer, watching bad TV feeling super sad. I don't want to go back to work. I don't want to be in the world I am in. I don't know what else I am supposed to be doing, but I feel as though what I am doing is not the right thing. I am not in the right job. That I know. I get sad everytime I think about going to work these days. I am not sure how to make this better. It may be affecting how I feel about everything else. I'm depressed.

I am going to try a couple of things to make me feel better. I was too bummed to go to my small group - I wont make that mistake again. I'm not going to hide at home. Nikki's birthday is this week and Im gonna go to her celebration on Tuesday. I skipped my first dance class last week because I had been beaten by work. I will try to make it to this weeks.

I'm looking forward to hanging out with Momo this weekend. I am going to frame some stuff and maybe we'll work on some art together. I have got to get out of this funk...

Find me...

Where do you go when you are lost?

To a map? To a guide? Head North? Or do you pretend like you’re not lost and just keep going until the bottom drops out and someone else tells you you’re lost … or to “get lost”.

I think I’m lost. I don’t know if it’s a huge existential lost or I’m just off track somehow. Nothing I am doing seems right. I don’t hate my job… which is rare – but it doesn’t feel comfortable or even remotely fulfilling. I used to have show to do to supplement the blah of work. I had hoped to be in two shows this year and I didn’t get into either one.

Then today, I got a call from one of theatre’s asking me to swing two roles in the show. Flattering that they think I can do that. Then I realized, they had already offered someone this job. No let me be honest, my friend told me that they had offered it to someone else already. Then I recalled a facebook post that indicated that that particular person was quitting a show. Ta da… and all of a sudden I have a job as second and third banana. I don’t know how I feel about it. Am I happy that I will be able to do something in the coming months (perhaps) that is close to what I like doing? Am I embarrassed that after not wanting me for the role, they offered me the understudy of that role? Maybe a little of both.

Ambivalence, I think is the clearest emotion I can generate. I need to know why I care. Cuz right now, I just couldn’t tell you. I feel lost.

When I feel like this I make poor choices. I shop too much, I eat too much, I pursue things that aren’t good for me at all. I stop desiring the best that the world can offer and take the lowest hanging fruit. I just want to go home and shut it all out. So tonight, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll get up and do it all again tomorrow – and I’m sure it will be better somehow… or I’ll still be lost.

I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood,
I know I could, always be good …
To one who’ll watch over me….

Health Update

Finally got to the doctor and they have added another pill to my repetoire for the blood pressure. ::sigh::
Then the doctor ask " are you having any sinus pain?" "Um why?" " because you have a nasty sinus infection". huh.

that explains the headaches and the vertigo...

I need to lay down.

headed for a breakdown...

I have felt since I got back from the cruise that I was headed for a meltdown. Mourning something, nashing of teeth the whole nine.

I think it's starting. I am writing this to stop it before it turns into a full fledged self loathing fit.

Monday night, I went home after work and laid on the couch, almost comatose and completely unmotivated to do anything.

Tuesday was so hectic with the festival starting, and not having all the info I needed to do things well. I was tired and ready for the day to end. I was headed for one last meeting and I had been sending out emails about the event for the next day. I had my co workers take a look at it before I was to send it. one said - looks fine to me. The other person said " I need to re-write this whole thing. There are things in here that just arent true. I dont want it sent that way." Now normally, this person is super diplomatic, so her aggressive posturing towards me threw me for a loop. All I heard was " YOU SUCK .... YOURE WRONG... YOU CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT" I was put out, and expressed it to my boss.

My boss then started talking about how she had to see any emails that went out and started telling me about how things should go. All I could hear was " SHE WAS RIGHT...YOU SUCK... I DONT TRUST YOU TO DO ANYTHING...I WILL ALWAYS KNOW MORE THAN YOU, BE BETTER THAN YOU...YOU ARE A MASSIVE FAILURE." It was like a massive punch in the gut. Then I had to go to a meeting. Needless to say, by the time I got home I was done done done.

I went out with my sister last night and she started talking about her plans for her life and I realized... I have no plans of my own anymore. I dont have anything at all. My mind kept racing to: YOU ARE A MASSIVE FAILURE. I got home and my head was pounding. I went to lay down and my head started spinning. I was so dizzy, I couldnt even read my bible. I sat up and decided to take my blood pressure. It was 174/154! WTF! I went to bed and hoped that the morning would be better.

Morning came and I could barely get out of bed. I was supposed to get up early and get my car inspected ... but when the alarm went off, I tried to get up... I was too dizzy. I let my office know I would be late and I tried to get up. I took my pressure again 157/121. NO GOOD. I managed to get up and get to work. I helped get the theatre ready and then I took my pressure again. 151/111 - OH HELL NAW! I called the doctor. If I hear from them, I'll be going to the doctor this afternoon. Thing is I have been losing weight and taking my meds regularly... so now what? I'M EVEN A BLOOD PRESSURE FAILURE.

While this looms high on my conciousness... I go about my day to day work, seating kids, sending emails trying to be positive... then the same co-worker who gave me ish yesterday jumps on me about how I spoke to her in front of interns. HOLY CRAP. I started shaking and apologizing. I was devastated. I couldnt believe this. I cant win! I contemplated going to an emergency room this morning and not even coming in. But no, I cared about my job - and my job kicked me in the ass. AMAZING.

Not only did she tell me to never speak like that to her in front of an intern. She essentially told me that I was mean and selfish. The two worst things you could ever call me - besides a liar. I know it's not about me. I know it's about how she was feeling, and the stress she was dealing with... and the big uncertain elephant in the room about how the jobs are changing... and whatever other demons she is dealing with. But I cant know that. All I know is how is feel. So what do I about that? I try so hard not to be disrepectful to people. I try to care. I try to do my best... and it's never enough.

I am trying not to cry again as I write this. I dont know what to do. I know I need a change... I know I need to be lifted up. I know I need to get my blood pressure under control. Right now, all I want is to go home and never come out.

Long time, no blog....

The last time I posted something I was on my way to my cruise. Then I made a personal decision to not blog during the trip. I did journal the whole time and if I feel ambitious, I may post some of it. In the meantime, the highlights were: ...being away from it all for a fabulous week... a 75 minute massage ( ahhhh)... had a cold through most of the trip... delish food and bevvies...the sunshine warm and loving on my skin... the bluest of the blue water... laughing a lot with Momo, all in all a lovely vacay.

Now I am back at the office and all the work has started. And the tired has started.

My back is tense, my cold seems to want to make a reappearance. I am having a little post trip depression, and I am not real interested in anything.

tra la.

People watching at the pier

In case you didn't know, I am going on a cruise vacation. Right now I have the luxury of waiting for my bestie Momo yo get thru the check in process. I say luxury because it gives me the chance to watch people in a very unique situation.

People boarding a cruise vacay come in every variety you can imagine. There's usually more of one type than another depending on where you board. I hit motherlode this time! I am boarding in new York.

Apparently so are the casts of jersey shore, jerseylicious, jersey couture, and the with the dirty old people. Hot! I actually don't care who is on the boat... As long as I am!

Gettin' Ready Rag...

I am a long time procrastinator. I am a chronic over scheduler. My time is always smaller than my ambition.

So I say all that because I am working on getting ready for my trip. I have all of my clothes laid out. I have everything purchased and ready to go into my bags... hmmm.

Perhaps its because of the ADHD meds.... maybe its because I made my list aaaaaages ago. I dont know... but I feel odd.

I'm doing laundry so I will have clothes for work when I come back!?! Who am I?

After I have dinner, I will shower and go out and get my mani/pedi... and some sinus medicine.

I may even get to tidy my room and clean the bathroom and go to bed before midnight.

This is CRAZY!

Sail On...

One of the things I miss about living in NYC is the opportunity to see special events. Benefit concerts, one night concert events and the like. Just before I moved back home, I was starting to sing in cabaret rooms and getting to know the people who make music in NYC. I had just put my foot in the water and then I was called home to be with my Dad.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret a step in my journey. I am just saying I miss some things about my life in “the city”. Luckily, I still have friends in the business and they still remember me. This is what brings me to my current news. I have been asked to be a “pit singer” – which is essentially an ensemble person who just sings ..yay! – for a concert of the musical “Titanic”. Some of the original cast members are going to be in it! In fact the two people I remember most from seeing the show, Brian D’Arcy James and Michael Ceveris are going to be in it! ::swoon::.

This is one of those times when I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Am I intimidated? Yep. Am I nervous? Yep. Am I blessed? OH YEAH!

I’ll keep you posted and give your more info on the show later… I just wanted to share it with you for right now.