headed for a breakdown...

I have felt since I got back from the cruise that I was headed for a meltdown. Mourning something, nashing of teeth the whole nine.

I think it's starting. I am writing this to stop it before it turns into a full fledged self loathing fit.

Monday night, I went home after work and laid on the couch, almost comatose and completely unmotivated to do anything.

Tuesday was so hectic with the festival starting, and not having all the info I needed to do things well. I was tired and ready for the day to end. I was headed for one last meeting and I had been sending out emails about the event for the next day. I had my co workers take a look at it before I was to send it. one said - looks fine to me. The other person said " I need to re-write this whole thing. There are things in here that just arent true. I dont want it sent that way." Now normally, this person is super diplomatic, so her aggressive posturing towards me threw me for a loop. All I heard was " YOU SUCK .... YOURE WRONG... YOU CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT" I was put out, and expressed it to my boss.

My boss then started talking about how she had to see any emails that went out and started telling me about how things should go. All I could hear was " SHE WAS RIGHT...YOU SUCK... I DONT TRUST YOU TO DO ANYTHING...I WILL ALWAYS KNOW MORE THAN YOU, BE BETTER THAN YOU...YOU ARE A MASSIVE FAILURE." It was like a massive punch in the gut. Then I had to go to a meeting. Needless to say, by the time I got home I was done done done.

I went out with my sister last night and she started talking about her plans for her life and I realized... I have no plans of my own anymore. I dont have anything at all. My mind kept racing to: YOU ARE A MASSIVE FAILURE. I got home and my head was pounding. I went to lay down and my head started spinning. I was so dizzy, I couldnt even read my bible. I sat up and decided to take my blood pressure. It was 174/154! WTF! I went to bed and hoped that the morning would be better.

Morning came and I could barely get out of bed. I was supposed to get up early and get my car inspected ... but when the alarm went off, I tried to get up... I was too dizzy. I let my office know I would be late and I tried to get up. I took my pressure again 157/121. NO GOOD. I managed to get up and get to work. I helped get the theatre ready and then I took my pressure again. 151/111 - OH HELL NAW! I called the doctor. If I hear from them, I'll be going to the doctor this afternoon. Thing is I have been losing weight and taking my meds regularly... so now what? I'M EVEN A BLOOD PRESSURE FAILURE.

While this looms high on my conciousness... I go about my day to day work, seating kids, sending emails trying to be positive... then the same co-worker who gave me ish yesterday jumps on me about how I spoke to her in front of interns. HOLY CRAP. I started shaking and apologizing. I was devastated. I couldnt believe this. I cant win! I contemplated going to an emergency room this morning and not even coming in. But no, I cared about my job - and my job kicked me in the ass. AMAZING.

Not only did she tell me to never speak like that to her in front of an intern. She essentially told me that I was mean and selfish. The two worst things you could ever call me - besides a liar. I know it's not about me. I know it's about how she was feeling, and the stress she was dealing with... and the big uncertain elephant in the room about how the jobs are changing... and whatever other demons she is dealing with. But I cant know that. All I know is how is feel. So what do I about that? I try so hard not to be disrepectful to people. I try to care. I try to do my best... and it's never enough.

I am trying not to cry again as I write this. I dont know what to do. I know I need a change... I know I need to be lifted up. I know I need to get my blood pressure under control. Right now, all I want is to go home and never come out.

Today is annoyance day.

I have been trying to get in touch with my travel agent for three days now. I have emailed every day, called once and now I have called the cruise line - who told me to call my travel agent.

Sometimes you get what you pay for. Me and Momo got a great deal on this cruise to Bermuda. Due to a typo when I paid for it, our reservation got cancelled and had to be rebooked. What I didnt know was that they had upgraded us to an oceanview or balcony or some such nonsense. Momo, however, DID know and told me what happened. ::sigh:: Well she shouldnt be punished for a typo, so I contacted the travel people... see the first sentence.

I better get a balcony after all this.

25 days!

It all starts with a parking ticket...

Now for those of you who dont know, I work on the National Mall. I am also a pretty pretty princess who LOATHES the subway. so, everyday I drive down to the Mall and park there. I am one of thoe people who keeps the good tourists from finding a space on the Mall. I get parking tickets every couple of weeks ( but is still less than I paid for a space in the lot at Ye Olde). So, I am used to it.

What I am NOT used to is getting tickets in front of MY HOUSE.... at 1AM. I got into my car this morning only to find that a parking enforcement officer had generously given me a 50.00 ticket for an expired inspection sticker (oops).

Do i deserve to pay for my woeful civic neglect? Yes. Do I deserve to be ticketed at 1FREEKING am? Hellz no.

Made me very cranky. Had to vent.

Genevieve has issues with people

I find that the hardest thing for me to do is be in community with people. It is really tough for me to have people depend on me or want to be with me. I don’t like the feeling of responsibility or obligation. Immature? I am sure…but it has been a part of my make up for a long time.

When I was a young girl, I longed for girlfriends to share my deepest teenage thoughts with. As I grew up, I made friends and have lots of lovely memories of slumber parties and concert, late night phone calls and notes passed in the hallways. I also have some very painful scars from the perceived hurts of a very sensitive child. I began to run inward as a teenager…not in that sulky kind of teenager way, but in the frightened of friends and the damage they could do kind of way.

I felt unsafe with people. I was always letting someone down. I didn’t say the right thing, I didn’t do the right thing and people punished me for it. Even if the punishment was in my head, I felt it… and felt it deep. It colored everything I ever did after that. I stepped tentatively into community with a couple of girls and had a ball for most of my high school years. Of course, we had drama and falling outs and all that.

In college, I decided to start again and I opened my heart to the Mount and everything there. What I am glad of is that when I opened my heart at that time… the Lord stepped in. I was called to attend the Mount and be on that Mountain for four years. My difficulties with people at college stemmed from my insecurity and sense of validity on the planet. It was easy for people who were even more insecure than me to manipulate and abuse me. I know that is strong, but some of the things that happened there would be categorized as abuse in any other setting. Torture even… nevertheless, I grew and found that my “weirdness”, My “ awkwardness” was part of who I was… and it made me interesting. I graduated from there wiser… weirder and still afraid to share myself totally with anyone or with God.

I’m gonna fast forward here through twenty years… amazing years – all culminating in my wonderful fortieth year. I would be a liar if I said, my issues with people were solved…far from it. I am still resistant to love and I am definitely resistant to being beholden to people. I have even punished myself in the past six months for letting people down and not being everything to everyone around me. But what has happened is that I find that the people I am letting into my world are accepting. The people who have remained from High School, College, RENT, jobs etc… are people who I have let down…and been let down by…. People who love me for who I am and who I could be… people who let me fall and help me up. I never thought that was possible. But it is.

Clown to the left of me... Jokers to the right...

Nothing ever really goes as planned does it?

I am sitting at my new desk at my new job and some old feelings are popping up. There is a feeling a dread that I get every time my "boss" is mentioned. She's a little unstable - meaning, she does very little save read everyone's email and blame other people for things not getting done. She's a bit of a sad sally with a penchant for complaining.

I will say, I dont feel like commiting myself to a mental ward every morning like I did at Ye Olde... but I aint jumpin out of bed singing "Oh what a beautiful mornin'" either.

Theatre people are unhappy people. I have always known that, but I don;'t really know what to do about it. I certainly dont want to go off and work at IBM or something - but what else am I to do?

Can you believe it? I am trying to figure out what to do with my life... AGAIN.

Oh well... I have stuff to do - on todays menu: a class to teach, letters to write, press release to craft, audition to go to and a date tonight. When I put it like that, it doesnt sound so bad ...LOL

plus the poster child for antidepressants has the flu so she is out today.

Seal.

There's a guy in my office... Let's call him Seal... Seal got a big promotion.... Genevieve did not. Genevieve thought up a way to deal with distributing the 10$ tickets the theatre said it would sell this season... Seal did not... Genevieve's idea, "20/10" launched this week and was a success... Seal has been taking credit for it all week... I would like to club this Seal. I would like to make a Sealskin coat of this Seal.

I would like to know why I am getting jacked at the this joint AGAIN.

I got so upset after hearing him make it sound like it was his idea in a conversation to the Artistic Director, I had an asthma attack. Now my chest hurts and my heart hurts.

Update on Brave or Stupid

Don't quite know what is in the air, but LeftBrain (tm) has taken up the cause of my title change ( almost four years after he brought it up in the first place). He has contacted ElDiablo (tm) and given him all the reasons why the title should be changed.

Naturally, CrazyMan (tm) opposed this change, stating that I would stop doing my job if my title didnt say it. What he doesnt understand is that I will stop doing EVERYTHING else they ask me to do if I dont get the change. Tra la.

Brave or Stupid

I just spent the better part of an hour composing an email that will probably bring the rath of LeftBrain (tm) down on me.

A couple of people in my department recieved promotions. I was told months ago that these were titular only and that nothing would change. Day before yesterday, those people who recieved those "inconsequential" title changes were told that they should start attending the weekly managemnt meeting. I suppose that is titularly based as well.

Frankly, I think it stinks. I think that one of them does less work than me. Has brought NOTHING new to the table -while I am doing four jobs ( one of which is HIS). I just wanted to have my title changed. I have asked for it for several years now. It's been promised to me since I got there. And has it happened? Nope.

So I spent an hour expressing my displeasure and confusion. And I think I feel better. I have put it out there. I feel shortchanged and I let someone know.

I also feel like crying. Again. Now, like a battered spouse, I am afraid that my boss is going to be mad at me - like he was mad at me for taking a mental health day last friday. I am afraid he is going to be verbally and emotionally abusive to me in retailiation for me speaking my mind. Like he has been for for the past three and half years.

Pray for me people. I'm not wrong to speak up. Why does it feel that way?

Divagirl strikes again.

After the show last night, Puppetboy started giving me notes again. I tried to be calm about it and even walked away to avoid saying something ugly. I did what a responsible professional should do and I told my stage manager that there was a repeated incidence of a cast member giving me notes. I told her if it happened again, I would request an official meeting. I thought she would be cool about it and be "warned" that it might be coming. Instead, she went to the actor and I am sure in the unkindest of ways told him to back off. She called me last night to report what had happened and that he was defensive about it and she had commanded that he give me an apology.

Great. Now puppetboy will hold resentment against me for telling someone of my displeasure. I have been listening to Joyce Meyer's Approval Addiction and I realize that my bristling about this issue is part of my own problem with being critized and being found lacking. I dont think he is 100% correct for giving me notes after every stupid show, but my reaction to it could be better. I am sure I could just let it roll and say "God is my only critic." I am, however, a human being and as such succeptable to the "slings and arrows" of other humans. I am working on it.

So today I am praying for the best way to be a beacon of peace to the dinner theatre. I certainly didnt intend to cause any trouble. I will pray for forgiveness of my pride and ask for a little more strength.

Divagirl and Godgirl collide

I've been working with one of the best casts I have ever been a part of for months now. Of course, we are all drama queens and so there are moments where everyone is a pain. But for the most part, they are professional, talented and efficient, we have put together a fabulous Little Shop, if I do say so myself.

What I am about to complain about then?

My number one theatrical pet peeve: actors giving other actors notes.

For those who dont know, notes are what the director, musical director, techincal director, choreographer or stage manager give performers or techinicians to inform them of places where they " miss the mark" or need some improvement, etc.

Notes should NEVER be given from one actor to another. If you are talking to a fellow actor and you ask thier opinion or ask what they think you can do to make a task ot a scene work better - that is different. Walking up to someone before a show and telling what they should do differently - totally uncool.

To be specfic, one of the actors who operates the plant wants to make it my issue that he cant seem to sync the plant with my voice. He is always a beat behind. Therefore, he wants me to give him an audible cue as to when to open the " mouth" of the plant. Uh, no. The other actor who shares " plant duty" with him has no problem with how we have worked this out. That is probably because he took the script home and studied his lines ( my lines are HIS lines too). He says the lines while he is in the big plant so the movements match the words. He has also studied me, so he uses some of my head movements for the plant ( which is neat - and pretty hard to do - the plant is really heavy and takes a LOT of upper body strength to manipulate).

The thing that irritated me the most about the situation, aside from this child coming up to me and telling me how perform my lines, was that he went to the director and told her that both puppeteers were having serious issues with how I was doing what I was doing. Which, after talking to the other puppeteer, I found out was not true.

So, I have to let the whole thing go really. Half of the time Whinypuppetboy (tm) wont be there anyway. Since I know whcih shows those will be, i'll just have to pray harder for some patience on those days :). Over all though, I still have to give thanks for an experience that is just what I need right now.

I guess that is how a Diva moment turns into a God moment.

Amen, Ya'll

Post meeting report.

I sought the advice of my mom and several friends solicted some prayer warriors for me on the whole "handling" issue. My mom came up with to interesting points of view -one from the management side about making things work even when they cant ( very pro crazy people) and one about me and how I should handle the situation. Interestingly enough, even though she gave an excuse as to why they would do the things that they do her advice to me was " say what you want to say." Which is a new one from her. She is usualy a " go along to get along" kind of person.

What ended up happening? I sat pretty quietly and doodled the whole meeting away. I spoke about other things in my regualr candid way, but I did what they asked me in the meeting. Then I went upstairs and started pulling job listings. I also too a three hour lunch with my intern. He said something while we were in the car that was so very true. Ye Olde is filled with passive agressive people - it's actually how we manage every situation. I say "we", becasue that is what I did today. It's what I do everyday. And I am ashamed of it. It only serves to cause me more pain. It's something that I DETEST in other people, because it is something I DETEST in myself.

I am grateful for the mirror that this job experience has been. It has shown me a lot about who I am and who I dont want to become. Perhaps, since some of the more difficult to express values have manifested themselves about the job, I can finally move on.

I think I want something that I dont feel as passionate about. A job where I am well compensated for my administrative skills but it isnt personal. Something that wont hurt my feelings. So I can save that energy for my "real life". My life in Christ, His gift of artistry to me...

Doing it another way.

Left Brain (tm) is at it again. Nit picking when he is bored. One of his favorite targets - yours truly. Usually, it leaves me unsettled and despairing... but I decided to offer up the energy I was using to whine to pray instead. I grabbed my little devotional book and took at look at today's passage and scripture reading. Here's what it was:

Psalm 13:

O Lord, how long will you forget me?
Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don't let my enemies gloat, saying " We have defeated him!"
Don't let them rejoice at my downfall,

But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

I WILL SING TO THE LORD BECAUSE HE IS GOOD TO ME.

Amen, y'all.

Learning to accept criticism...

I have never been able to accept criticism very well. I take it really personally and I think I am a failure if people dont like what I do immediately. It's something I have tried to work on and just when I think I have made some progress, I get sideswiped by some unsolicited criticism.

I had followed a job lead given to me by a friend. I got a response email that included a slightly patronizing critique of my resume. My initial reaction was anger and then embarassment that I had sent something to someone that was shoddy. I then went into " I must really suck ". Now, that I am calmer I am willing to accept that my resume probably could use some work. ( I was considering revamping it - I just didnt wan't someone else to tell me to do it)

I also know that this is God reminding me that I can get steered off the road so easily. What looked like a quick fix may not have helped at all. His plan for me probably didnt include that job. I probably shouldnt work for or with someone who would be so quick to start "fixing" and "correcting" me - without even knowing me. (despite the fact it was couched in " love" for a fellow church member) I know I cannot thrive in an environment like that. Dont get me wrong, I need a butt kicking quite often. But if you dont know me, don't try and "tweak" me.

Typing that part made me angry all over again. I have to take a breath and remember that person doesnt know me and doesnt know my path. It's not her business to and I have to let it go. :: breath::

On a more positive and sort of related note, I talked to Beloved on Sunday and he told me that he heard my name come up at an auditon. He was playing for something or other and the casting director that gave me such positive feedback when I went up for the Hairspray call was talking about me to another Broadway producer guy. Beloved said he was gushing about me. He also told them why I didnt get the tour gig. The whole "afraid that I cant do eight shows a week" thing. The option is still out there for my dream to come true. Perhaps that's why my resume didnt sparkle for this woman... perhaps it's God making sure that I am in a place where I can leave when I need to.

ARGH

Today is an"Argh" day. A day when it really would have been better for me to call in "cranky" and stay home. It's funny, cuz there aren't a lot of people in the office - everyone is preparing for Ye Olde's annual foray into the park for free theatre.

I just feel annoyed with the whole world - or at least my little piece of it. I just want to go home and read a book. And I cant. And that annoys me.

In fact , I have to rush home tonight and coiff up for a black tie event I have been strong armed into going to. The best part? I will have to sit in at a table in an uncomfortable gown with people who grate on my last nerve, people from work, for three hours. There are no fun people there. Only people I have to smile at and listen to for HOURS!

I think by now, you all know that social events make me anxious. Big snooty ones make me nauseous. One's that I am forced to go to make me angry.

So of course, this is the core of why I feel like everything and everyone is getting on my nerves today. My nerves are shot. I dont feel like crying... I feeling like quitting. Everything and everyone.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, really it is. Argh.

big yellow jeep

...caused me to really lose my cool...

I was dropping a friend off at the metro station and we were stuck in some unexpected traffic downtown. A big yellow jeep pulls out in the middle of the street - kitty cornered, blocking me. I honked my horn - the man in the jeep looked at me with this incredulous look. As if I had the nerve to suggest that what he did was improper. He then began to hurl insults and slurs and hand gestures at me. In fact, all of the seven people crammed into his jeep did so. The finest of the slurs came from a suited gentleman who had an equally delightful young woman on his lap. " You fat... " and frankly I dont know what he said after that. When you hurl the "F" word at me all bets are off.

I shot an ugly look at him and stated " I'm fat but you're an a$%hole... I can lose weight!" While it amused and soothed my friend and I, it was not even heard by the jerksinthejeep (tm). What good did it do? It just fueled anger and shame in me. Anger that these jerkoffs think they can come into my city and do whatever they feel like 'cuz they are white, young and well off. Anger that this man took a personal aspect of me...my fat... and used it as a weapon. But most of all, anger that off all the bootyhead things he did...calling me fat was the worst thing to me. Shame that I didnt take the high road and turn the other cheek. Shame that I am fat. That I do have something that some toadstool can use against me.

Being fat has been a part of my life since I was 10 years old. It's not like it is new. This week however, it has taken it's toll on me. Physically, I am wearing down. My joints are giving out on me. They just cant carry what I have put on them. My soul feels like its giving out too. I sort of dont feel like doing this anymore. But I dont feel like I have the strength to do anything about it. There is so much out of my control right now - food is about all that is giving me any pleasure anymore. Not being able to eat as I please makes me sad. Even thinking about it makes me sad.

So I feel shame. and anger. I'm not mad at those dumb people. I am mad at my own reaction. I am ashamed of my inability to fight my base instincts.

I'm gonna go pray on this and try to get over it before rehearsal tommorrow.

I really need a vacation.

ARGH

I dont know why I let CrazyMan (tm) get to me. Today he showed up at a meeting and made me feel inferior. Let me take that back, I allowed him to make me feel inferior. His very presense makes me sad and edgy. I feel like I cant breathe when he is around. I dont want to feel like that any more.

There has GOT to be a change soon.

Diversity Training

I felt the need to wait and let the " Diversity Training " sink in.

This is really all I will say about it. The conversations that were started there were important. Do I think anything will come of it? No. The power structure at Ye Olde is such that it would not benefit them to actually implement any kind of actual changes.

There were some in Senior Staff who couldnt handle the fact that the "others" , the regular staff members could see the truth about the situation. The fact that the top four people in the organization are white, over 40, highly educated, gay and male. One Senior Staffer blew his top when that was written down and the whole group agreed. As if some how it was untrue! LOL That sort of sums up the day.

Human beings all like to think that they are open minded and that they dont behave with any bias. We all want to think we see the world for what it is - but we see things the way we want them to be. It happens all the time. All we can do is try to be open. We can try to do better.

I dont know that there is anything that can be done at Ye Olde. I can only pray for those in power and for those of us who work day to day. That's the best I can do.

Gettin' closer to Latteland

I asked my boss, Leftbrain (tm) if I could slip out of the dumb Diversity Training tomorrow. He said no and he told me it would be inappropriate for a future Audience Development director to leave the training early.

Here's a question for ya? Would be inappropriate for a future barista to leave "diversity" training early? Cuz that is what I will be soon enough!

I am praying that God is giving me the strength to make this change. Today, I feel like it is okay. I don't know about tomorrow. We'll see where it takes me.

pastorfriend (tm) sent me a quote from Craig Groeschel:

"The difference between where you are and where God wants you to be may be the painful decision you refuse to make."

sure sums up things right now.

Time of testing...

This AM I started my day at Ye Olde with a bit of optimism and a little tingle of excitement. I pulled up my calendar and went to put my two auditions in. Saturday 9:30am, Little Shop..., check! Tuesday, Dreamgirls..., 5:30pm... un check. I have a "Diversiry Training"...and all day farce of a meeting. Where we do exercises that make us all uncomfortable and pretend that it is going to make a huge difference in an organization that thrives on disfunction. Sounds like tons of fun. Until 5:30pm.

I sent an email to the flunkie that was organizing the circus and asked if the event would actually last until 5:30. He said yes. I started to spin into despair. How was I going to get out of the meeting in time to get to Baltimore for my audition? I couldnt ask to get out early. Yesterday, my boss told me that his boss thinks I am doing a bad job. "I know it's not true, it's the " perception", you know? " Well, that made me feel about two inches tall. I didnt even know what to do about it. The department head knows I dont want to do the mundane part of my job anymore. That it bores and demeans me and I cant take much more of it. I am feeling trapped and unappreciated.

To tell you the truth, I should have left almost a year ago. At the time that I was about to make the move, I was trying to make it a smooth move. I didnt want to upset my bosses. I thought they cared about me. I certainly cared what they thought about me. I had been interviewing and had considered a few options. I confided in a friend all of these things and that person told someone in my organization. I was confronted with " are you planning to leave?" I panicked and said no. My spirit died a little that day. I felt enslaved by misplaced loyalty, betrayed by someone I thought had respect for my situation and trapped for a least another six months.

When I told my bosses boss that I really hated doing part of my job, I was told " This is a really bad time to replace your position." and " Everyone hates thier job, I do." What?!? Who says that? There was no attempt to make it better and to keep me. In fact he went to the General Manager and "told" on me. I had to meet with him... he lied to me and blew the same smoke up my butt he done months before. ( Later I found out that the GM told my boss and my bosses boss told him too. )

Now I know you say I should just get out. I know this is true. How, though? How do I get out and where do I go? And how does getting out get me to the Dreamgirls audition? Pray for me people.

Nappy Headed Ho's

Now that I have your attention...

I would like to turn your attention to something that the " liberal" media is turning a blind eye to. Don Imus's blatently racist and sexist remarks on his radio show last week.

There is a good article on it here. I am stunned and appalled that this guy gets to just say whatever he wants about the scholar athletes on the Rutgers University Women's basketball team. Is it okay? I dont think so! Get mad, people! Let the media know that call people " out of thier names" for ratings and attention is ludicrous and ignorant and just plain wrong.

Isn't the old adage " if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all"? If that is true then Don Imus needs to just shut it.

Jerk.

PS: I know all those women could take him in a one on one game and that is the real reason he is such a bootyhead (tm) - hater.