I have bad skin. The older I get the worse it gets… not wrinkly (cuz black don’t crack) but bumpy and easily irritated. I also have a tendency to mess with anything on my skin… hairs, bumps, scars. That only makes it worse. I see pictures of myself from even ten years ago and my face was so much clearer… not some spotty mess. It embarrasses me more than I can express. It’s like my personal failures manifest on my face. You can’t hide them… the world sees it all.
I realized today that part of the reason that I messed with my skin so much is that it was itchy and dry. So I started applying lotion. Simple, right? Just that little soothing gesture alleviated the need for me to pick and pull and scratch at what was irritating me. Isn’t that they way it is with everything? Sometimes, all we need is a little soothing – a balm to ease the hurts and the itches, to moisturize the dry patches of our lives.
We wear the scars of when we pull, scratch and fight. Some of wear them on our faces, some of wear them on our hearts. I hope that all of my friends who read this know that I feel what you feel and I am praying for your balm…for your solutions too.
Showing posts with label faith and life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith and life. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Follow Your Bliss ( reblog)
This is a re post from the Women of Faith Blog. I know, I know, I promised some reflections on the cabaret - but it has generated more than a simple blog post. I think it may have been the catalyst for a life change. I am stepping through the door God is opening... I think. I will fill y'all in on it when everything is sort of in place. In the meantime, I think this is good food for thought.
(PS: the author of this post (Anita Renfroe) is HILLARIOUS... go to You Tube and type in her name...watch her go - she's v v clever)
My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. — Ecclesiastes 2:10 niv
"I saw Anderson Cooper (of CNN) give an interview recently, and in it he responded to a question regarding the best advice his mother (Gloria Vanderbilt) ever gave him. He responded that she advised him to follow his bliss and the money would come. He had a dream to be a reporter and he now anchors each weeknight with his own news show. I don’t know what your “bliss” might be, but I urge you to find a calling in life and attach it to your work.
Whether you have a job and wish you didn’t, or don’t have one and wish you did, or if you wish you had different people to work with or report to, the dailyness of your workplace can become a mental drag if you don’t choose to see it as a place of purpose and mission. The Bible gives us clear principles regarding whatever labor we undertake.
Read Colossians 3:23, Luke 9:62, Romans 13:1, Matthew 7:12.
These scriptural principles allow us to see that we are working for more than a paycheck, that we are committed to endurance and excellence in any undertaking, and that our Real Boss doesn’t inhabit the corner office, but has it all in his hands.
— Anita Renfroe"
(PS: the author of this post (Anita Renfroe) is HILLARIOUS... go to You Tube and type in her name...watch her go - she's v v clever)
My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. — Ecclesiastes 2:10 niv
"I saw Anderson Cooper (of CNN) give an interview recently, and in it he responded to a question regarding the best advice his mother (Gloria Vanderbilt) ever gave him. He responded that she advised him to follow his bliss and the money would come. He had a dream to be a reporter and he now anchors each weeknight with his own news show. I don’t know what your “bliss” might be, but I urge you to find a calling in life and attach it to your work.
Whether you have a job and wish you didn’t, or don’t have one and wish you did, or if you wish you had different people to work with or report to, the dailyness of your workplace can become a mental drag if you don’t choose to see it as a place of purpose and mission. The Bible gives us clear principles regarding whatever labor we undertake.
Read Colossians 3:23, Luke 9:62, Romans 13:1, Matthew 7:12.
These scriptural principles allow us to see that we are working for more than a paycheck, that we are committed to endurance and excellence in any undertaking, and that our Real Boss doesn’t inhabit the corner office, but has it all in his hands.
— Anita Renfroe"
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
So it's been a few days...
Let me catch ya'll up a little bit...
I've had some stupid back pain that has derailed most of my plans for the past week.
Last week my cellies evil twin came back. If you dont know what I mean, just ask - i'll tell you privately. I wish it would go away, but I think the evil one is actually the alpha... ::sigh:: It bummed me out and I ended up over eating this week.
On Saturday though, I was trated to one of the best performances I have seen in a long long time. PAIGE IN FULL rocks my socks. Paige Hernandez is a wonderful storyteller and a fantastic dancer. She tells her story through hip-hop and what a story it is.
anyway, it got my theatre mojo running again and it looks like I am going to manage the marketing for the Hegira. I am proud to affiliate with this group and cant wait to see what's next!
Sunday, I spent with Jesus and MellyMel :). Both of whom I love very much.
I think I will post separately about church... I need to think some things through.
Yesterday I got some bad news about my back. I have degenerative arthritis in my back. That means it will never get better. All I can do is manage the symptoms. Huge bummer. But a call to action.
I cant wait for my vacay - I am going to let all of this go for a while and come back and "shake the etch a sketch" - start over.
That's the great think about life... you get to start over. Praise God!
I've had some stupid back pain that has derailed most of my plans for the past week.
Last week my cellies evil twin came back. If you dont know what I mean, just ask - i'll tell you privately. I wish it would go away, but I think the evil one is actually the alpha... ::sigh:: It bummed me out and I ended up over eating this week.
On Saturday though, I was trated to one of the best performances I have seen in a long long time. PAIGE IN FULL rocks my socks. Paige Hernandez is a wonderful storyteller and a fantastic dancer. She tells her story through hip-hop and what a story it is.
anyway, it got my theatre mojo running again and it looks like I am going to manage the marketing for the Hegira. I am proud to affiliate with this group and cant wait to see what's next!
Sunday, I spent with Jesus and MellyMel :). Both of whom I love very much.
I think I will post separately about church... I need to think some things through.
Yesterday I got some bad news about my back. I have degenerative arthritis in my back. That means it will never get better. All I can do is manage the symptoms. Huge bummer. But a call to action.
I cant wait for my vacay - I am going to let all of this go for a while and come back and "shake the etch a sketch" - start over.
That's the great think about life... you get to start over. Praise God!
Sunday, May 09, 2010
In the Marketplace…
Went to church today and was convicted by the message. Let me explain that phrase. We often think of “convicted” as a bad thing. We think of it as something we should be punished for. That’s not what I speak of. I am talking about hearing something that resonates so deep in my heart that it is a call to confession or a call to action. I don’t think of that as a bad thing at all. So, back to what I was saying… I was convicted by the story of Elijah.
So to give you the short version, Elijah the prophet is driven to do the will of God regardless of the consequence. He is a superhero! He tells it like it is and battles for the Lord in the boldest of ways. We are reading through the bible as a church community at National Community Church. It’s a pretty cool thing – all of the sermons and series are connected to this journey through the bible. For more info on the program, it’s called From Garden to City and you can join the journey at http://www.fromgardentocity.com/. Okay commercial over – we’re reading through Kings right now. I will confess. I was beginning to feel like Kings was going to be like Numbers (I was not a fan). Then we got to Kings 18. Elijah confronts the worshippers of Baal and challenges them to prove the power of their god. He says that they should pray to their god and he will pray to the Lord and first to bring fire will be the true Lord. His faith is so strong that he even douses the area with water and taunts the worshippers of Baal. Fast forward to the end, the God of the prophet Elijah is proven to be the true God.
Why does Elijah step to this group of disbelievers and break bad with them? What’s the end game there? What is the benefit in putting himself out there this way? If this doesn’t work, he is a dead man. There are 450 Baal supporters waiting to rip him a new one. But he has superfaith. He has a powerful spirit that is “willing to play offense and rock their world.” (Batterson) This is what we need. We need a faith that propels us into the scary places to bring light to the darkness.
I know that this is my calling. I know that this is the Great Commission. I know, I know… but what do I do about it? Pastor Mark also said today that “we better live like we believe that Jesus is God – if that is what we believe”. I know I don’t do it all the time, I know I don’t do it in uncomfortable situations. But I also know that I keep being thrown into situations where the love and light of Jesus is sorely needed. What do I do? And that is where I sat, convicted and confused.
Years ago, I felt as though my calling was in theatre. While I still feel that my career is in theatre… I also feel pulled to ministry. I know that the answer is at the intersection of these two things. I feel closer to an answer than I have ever been. There are people in my life who feel the way I do as well. I am more stable in so many facets of my life than I have ever been. I feel poised for a breakthrough.
Pastor Mark called us to participate in a Pentacost Fast starting this Thursday. I intend to participate in this fast. I will be giving up television for ten days. I hope to find something concrete to pray for during this time – clarity seems too large. I want to find my place in the marketplace….my Elijah moment. I’ll keep you posted.
So to give you the short version, Elijah the prophet is driven to do the will of God regardless of the consequence. He is a superhero! He tells it like it is and battles for the Lord in the boldest of ways. We are reading through the bible as a church community at National Community Church. It’s a pretty cool thing – all of the sermons and series are connected to this journey through the bible. For more info on the program, it’s called From Garden to City and you can join the journey at http://www.fromgardentocity.com/. Okay commercial over – we’re reading through Kings right now. I will confess. I was beginning to feel like Kings was going to be like Numbers (I was not a fan). Then we got to Kings 18. Elijah confronts the worshippers of Baal and challenges them to prove the power of their god. He says that they should pray to their god and he will pray to the Lord and first to bring fire will be the true Lord. His faith is so strong that he even douses the area with water and taunts the worshippers of Baal. Fast forward to the end, the God of the prophet Elijah is proven to be the true God.
Why does Elijah step to this group of disbelievers and break bad with them? What’s the end game there? What is the benefit in putting himself out there this way? If this doesn’t work, he is a dead man. There are 450 Baal supporters waiting to rip him a new one. But he has superfaith. He has a powerful spirit that is “willing to play offense and rock their world.” (Batterson) This is what we need. We need a faith that propels us into the scary places to bring light to the darkness.
I know that this is my calling. I know that this is the Great Commission. I know, I know… but what do I do about it? Pastor Mark also said today that “we better live like we believe that Jesus is God – if that is what we believe”. I know I don’t do it all the time, I know I don’t do it in uncomfortable situations. But I also know that I keep being thrown into situations where the love and light of Jesus is sorely needed. What do I do? And that is where I sat, convicted and confused.
Years ago, I felt as though my calling was in theatre. While I still feel that my career is in theatre… I also feel pulled to ministry. I know that the answer is at the intersection of these two things. I feel closer to an answer than I have ever been. There are people in my life who feel the way I do as well. I am more stable in so many facets of my life than I have ever been. I feel poised for a breakthrough.
Pastor Mark called us to participate in a Pentacost Fast starting this Thursday. I intend to participate in this fast. I will be giving up television for ten days. I hope to find something concrete to pray for during this time – clarity seems too large. I want to find my place in the marketplace….my Elijah moment. I’ll keep you posted.
Friday, April 30, 2010
reflecting on a win.
last night I got a call that reminded me of why we are here. I have a friend, I will call her MeMe. Meme and I have started attending church together. She travels a long distance every Sunday to get fed by National Community Church. I love that about her.
She really took to heart some of messages that have been laid down in the past few weeks at NCC. Last week, Pastor Mark talked about not being able to live off of someone else's story and the phenomenon of having a second hand experience of God. This message led me to one of my Holy Spirit encounters. ( Again...I will blog on that later when I have fully processed it).
MeMe found in the word a place of hope on which to stand. This week, she actually spoke truth into a situation and it came through ( to a certain extent) she was so thrilled with the affirmation of faith that she shared it with me. I was so amazingly happy for her! This is what I am talking about...seeing faith in action.
Even more amazing... she quietly shared how she was called to be in communion with a couple of our mutual friends last night. That she simply listened to what they needed to talk about and she felt so honored to be in thier confidence. I think this speaks volumes to what a life in the faith can provide. She felt so right in her spirit, that these people wanted to share in her energy. It's what life in community is all about, right?
I needed to hear about how God was working in her life to remind me that He is working in mine too. That I need to be thankful for the communion, for the community and the intersections that give me the opportunity to put faith into action.
Amen, y'all amen. What a win!
She really took to heart some of messages that have been laid down in the past few weeks at NCC. Last week, Pastor Mark talked about not being able to live off of someone else's story and the phenomenon of having a second hand experience of God. This message led me to one of my Holy Spirit encounters. ( Again...I will blog on that later when I have fully processed it).
MeMe found in the word a place of hope on which to stand. This week, she actually spoke truth into a situation and it came through ( to a certain extent) she was so thrilled with the affirmation of faith that she shared it with me. I was so amazingly happy for her! This is what I am talking about...seeing faith in action.
Even more amazing... she quietly shared how she was called to be in communion with a couple of our mutual friends last night. That she simply listened to what they needed to talk about and she felt so honored to be in thier confidence. I think this speaks volumes to what a life in the faith can provide. She felt so right in her spirit, that these people wanted to share in her energy. It's what life in community is all about, right?
I needed to hear about how God was working in her life to remind me that He is working in mine too. That I need to be thankful for the communion, for the community and the intersections that give me the opportunity to put faith into action.
Amen, y'all amen. What a win!
The end of a "lost" week...
It's Friday and I am glad that it is...
Like Pastor T.D. Jakes says " It's Friday...but Sunday's comin..." I definately need a recharge of some sort. This week has been super wonky. From doing All Shook Up all weekend to catching the Holy Spirit at Ebz last Sunday ( I guess I should blog about that too...) The week started all kinds of weird. That funky Nunsense call...blah blah blah. Instead of praying on it and staying in the Word, I have left it all the wayside. I have also eaten poorly and forgotten to take my meds. I have been scattered and uninterested in everything for most of the week. It's about to be a hoppin May. I have to do better than this.
I need the reset button. I need to go home, get in my jammies, have some popcorn and some TV. Get back in the the Book. Clean, do laundry and celebrate being free from bondage....
For right now though, I am gonna go read Pastor Mark's sermon from last week... or maybe even play it in the office ( my office mate is at a long lunch). Have my four point soup and some goldfish ( you know how I like my goldfish) and try to get my mind right.
Can you tell that I need a vacay? BAAAAAAAAAD.
Like Pastor T.D. Jakes says " It's Friday...but Sunday's comin..." I definately need a recharge of some sort. This week has been super wonky. From doing All Shook Up all weekend to catching the Holy Spirit at Ebz last Sunday ( I guess I should blog about that too...) The week started all kinds of weird. That funky Nunsense call...blah blah blah. Instead of praying on it and staying in the Word, I have left it all the wayside. I have also eaten poorly and forgotten to take my meds. I have been scattered and uninterested in everything for most of the week. It's about to be a hoppin May. I have to do better than this.
I need the reset button. I need to go home, get in my jammies, have some popcorn and some TV. Get back in the the Book. Clean, do laundry and celebrate being free from bondage....
For right now though, I am gonna go read Pastor Mark's sermon from last week... or maybe even play it in the office ( my office mate is at a long lunch). Have my four point soup and some goldfish ( you know how I like my goldfish) and try to get my mind right.
Can you tell that I need a vacay? BAAAAAAAAAD.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Broken - part four - me and God
This is the big Broken.
I haven't opened a Bible in months.
I haven't prayed.
The last time I was near the church was for an audition for a show at the church.
I am disconnected, disillusioned and disheartened.
I believe that everything else that is broken is because I have put God on mute.
I don't know when I got too busy for Him, too scared of Him, too needy for the things of this world to cling to Him - but I have.
I am completely Broken.
I have messed up my life on the inside. On the outside, it just looks hectic and over committed. But it's over committed so I dont have time to deal with what's broken on the inside.
I have been too ashamed to reach out to my pastorfriend (tm) or pastor mark... or the beautiful community I built just a year ago.
I am completely Broken.
I state this only as a battlecry. Not as a litany of complaints, nor as a laundry list of things that people can save me from. I am not the person I have been. Please dont read this and think you can rescue me. You can not. You may not know this, but I do - EVERYONE'S life has broken spots. I just happen to be secure enough in my brokeness to list them out. Believe me, this isnt all of them - not nearly all of them.
I do not know what the next steps are... I only know that they are my own, it's my road... the broken road.
I haven't opened a Bible in months.
I haven't prayed.
The last time I was near the church was for an audition for a show at the church.
I am disconnected, disillusioned and disheartened.
I believe that everything else that is broken is because I have put God on mute.
I don't know when I got too busy for Him, too scared of Him, too needy for the things of this world to cling to Him - but I have.
I am completely Broken.
I have messed up my life on the inside. On the outside, it just looks hectic and over committed. But it's over committed so I dont have time to deal with what's broken on the inside.
I have been too ashamed to reach out to my pastorfriend (tm) or pastor mark... or the beautiful community I built just a year ago.
I am completely Broken.
I state this only as a battlecry. Not as a litany of complaints, nor as a laundry list of things that people can save me from. I am not the person I have been. Please dont read this and think you can rescue me. You can not. You may not know this, but I do - EVERYONE'S life has broken spots. I just happen to be secure enough in my brokeness to list them out. Believe me, this isnt all of them - not nearly all of them.
I do not know what the next steps are... I only know that they are my own, it's my road... the broken road.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Sister Margretta takes shape
I am working on The Sound of Music at Toby's. I have been cast as "Sister Margaretta" the "nice" nun. She is the Mistress of the Postulants, which means she is the nun who is charge of the women who are contemplating a life in the clergy. She guides them through the process of discernment, where they spend time in and out of the abbey trying to find out if the cloistered life is truly what God wants for them.
Why do I know so much about this? I was in pre-postulant discernment with the Daughters of Charity in 1989 - 1990. I was in serious contemplation of a life as a nun. I had a "Sister Margaretta" in my life. Sister Mary Robert was her name. She was a lovely woman, about 35 or so, she liked a lot of the same things I did - art, music and theatre. She guided me thru the process and prayed with and for me. I invited her to come see me in a play I was doing at school. It was Agnes of God - dont laugh, yes I invited a nun to see that play.
After the show, she and I went to dinner and she told me that she had been thinking it for a while, but after seeing the show she was convinced. My calling was not as a nun. She spoke a life of theatre into my life that day. I was crushed and thought I was somehow unworthy to serve God. Now I know, Sr. Robert blessed me by sending me on... on to do the things I was meant to do.
As I look to embody "Sister Margaretta" I definately take a little Sr. Robert with me. Wisdom, gentleness, laughter and faith. You can't beat that.
I'll give you more info on what the process is like later... that was just what was on my mind today.
Why do I know so much about this? I was in pre-postulant discernment with the Daughters of Charity in 1989 - 1990. I was in serious contemplation of a life as a nun. I had a "Sister Margaretta" in my life. Sister Mary Robert was her name. She was a lovely woman, about 35 or so, she liked a lot of the same things I did - art, music and theatre. She guided me thru the process and prayed with and for me. I invited her to come see me in a play I was doing at school. It was Agnes of God - dont laugh, yes I invited a nun to see that play.
After the show, she and I went to dinner and she told me that she had been thinking it for a while, but after seeing the show she was convinced. My calling was not as a nun. She spoke a life of theatre into my life that day. I was crushed and thought I was somehow unworthy to serve God. Now I know, Sr. Robert blessed me by sending me on... on to do the things I was meant to do.
As I look to embody "Sister Margaretta" I definately take a little Sr. Robert with me. Wisdom, gentleness, laughter and faith. You can't beat that.
I'll give you more info on what the process is like later... that was just what was on my mind today.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
The Grey Elephant
I haven't been going to church.
Haven't been for most of the summer. Partially because my schedule was so messed up this summer and partially because I just didnt want to be there.
Nothing against the church. I love NCC and it is filled with amazing people. It's about me and my own hang ups.
I was trying to get back into it and to go back to service... so today, I decided to listen to one of the webcasts. It would be the one where my beloved PM says the statement that homosexuality is wrong. The whole rest of the sermon is focused on the issue of alcohol, but that one statement made me so sad.
I don't want to be in this place. I am trapped in a place where legalism/moralism whatever you want to call it, threatens to make me separate from people who saved my life. How do I love and support my friends, my urban family and stay faithful? This is so heartbreaking.
So much so that I want to shut it away. Like I have done with so many things in my life. I don't know how to deal with this.
I am left lonely and afraid about this. I want help, I dont want help. I want to be left alone. I want to turn of the voice of PM and pretend that I dont hear him.
Haven't been for most of the summer. Partially because my schedule was so messed up this summer and partially because I just didnt want to be there.
Nothing against the church. I love NCC and it is filled with amazing people. It's about me and my own hang ups.
I was trying to get back into it and to go back to service... so today, I decided to listen to one of the webcasts. It would be the one where my beloved PM says the statement that homosexuality is wrong. The whole rest of the sermon is focused on the issue of alcohol, but that one statement made me so sad.
I don't want to be in this place. I am trapped in a place where legalism/moralism whatever you want to call it, threatens to make me separate from people who saved my life. How do I love and support my friends, my urban family and stay faithful? This is so heartbreaking.
So much so that I want to shut it away. Like I have done with so many things in my life. I don't know how to deal with this.
I am left lonely and afraid about this. I want help, I dont want help. I want to be left alone. I want to turn of the voice of PM and pretend that I dont hear him.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
The truth about my own strength...
I recieve the daily devotional from Pastor Joel Osteen at Lakewood Church in Houston, TX. Today's email really convicted me. I want to share it with all of you.
I am blessed to be surrounded by many wonderful and strong people. Sometimes we're a little too strong. We struggle with things that we dont have to. we carry the weight of the world and it isnt ours to carry. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded of that.
Today's Scripture
“They did not conquer by their own strength and skill, but by your mighty power and because you smiled upon them and favored them” Psalm 44:3 (TLB).
Today's Word from Joel and Victoria
Do you need God's strength to conquer something in your life today? Maybe you need strength on your job, or to overcome an addiction. Maybe you need strength to deal with a difficult person in the office. No matter what you may be facing, God desires to give you His supernatural strength in every situation. It's interesting that in this verse that it says, "because God smiled upon them and favored them." Did you know that simply calling on God causes Him to smile on you? Because you are His child, you have His favor! God loves to show Himself strong on your behalf. When you open your heart to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you for doing things your own way, He will forgive you! Best of all, God chooses to forget your past mistakes! It doesn’t matter what happened yesterday, today is a new day. Don't let the enemy's lies keep you powerless. Be strong in the Lord knowing that He is with you, smiling upon you and showering you with His favor. As you meditate on this promise, you will be strengthened to overcome every obstacle, and you will live a life of victory!
A Prayer for Today
God, thank you for smiling on me today. I ask that you show me your favor so that I can walk in your strength today. Thank you for equipping me with everything I need to live as an overcomer. I bless you and choose to honor you in everything I do. In Jesus’ Name. Amen
I am blessed to be surrounded by many wonderful and strong people. Sometimes we're a little too strong. We struggle with things that we dont have to. we carry the weight of the world and it isnt ours to carry. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded of that.
Today's Scripture
“They did not conquer by their own strength and skill, but by your mighty power and because you smiled upon them and favored them” Psalm 44:3 (TLB).
Today's Word from Joel and Victoria
Do you need God's strength to conquer something in your life today? Maybe you need strength on your job, or to overcome an addiction. Maybe you need strength to deal with a difficult person in the office. No matter what you may be facing, God desires to give you His supernatural strength in every situation. It's interesting that in this verse that it says, "because God smiled upon them and favored them." Did you know that simply calling on God causes Him to smile on you? Because you are His child, you have His favor! God loves to show Himself strong on your behalf. When you open your heart to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you for doing things your own way, He will forgive you! Best of all, God chooses to forget your past mistakes! It doesn’t matter what happened yesterday, today is a new day. Don't let the enemy's lies keep you powerless. Be strong in the Lord knowing that He is with you, smiling upon you and showering you with His favor. As you meditate on this promise, you will be strengthened to overcome every obstacle, and you will live a life of victory!
A Prayer for Today
God, thank you for smiling on me today. I ask that you show me your favor so that I can walk in your strength today. Thank you for equipping me with everything I need to live as an overcomer. I bless you and choose to honor you in everything I do. In Jesus’ Name. Amen
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
It was wrong, It mattered and I release you.
I have been trying to finish reading John Eldredge's Wild at Heart. It's a tough book to read for me. Though it is geared toward the lives of men, it has tapped into some of my issues. How interesting that this book that I bought last year and kept putting aside had inside of it one of major issues in my life. Eldredge talks about how men constantly struggle with the concept of being un- authentic ( is that a word?) -of being found a fraud.
His theory is that it comes from a rejection in early life or a lack of support for your identity (he speaks of the constraints placed on being a male). It totally applies to the way I was brought up.
I was told that I was being silly. That I didn't feel the way I felt. I recieved the message that what I thought and felt didn't matter and I have had to come out from under it my whole life.
I'm on the part of the book that talks about forgiveness, forgiving the people who undermined my development. Showing forgivness to people who hurt me, and forgiving myself for the things that I do. I think that forgivness is the most of difficult thing for me to handle. I have never been able to truly let things go. I hold grudges. I am often angry and unable to express it. I want to control the world around me and when I cant, I want to step out of the world completely.
I have a list of situations I probably need to go back into and pray for forgivness and offer it in return. The title of this post is a quote from Wild at Heart. A personal goal of mine is to use that phrase to try to heal that part of my life. The middle part of that statment "It mattered" is the most difficult. There are many times that I dont think I matter. That my existance is a burden. I try not to get too involved in peoples lives so I dont get in the way. When I say how I feel and it makes people upset, I am embarassed and think it would have been better for me not to be here at all. Intellectually, I understand that I matter. Emotionally, I have allowed the Enemy to convince me that I dont. In turn, I have allowed people to hurt me and I have stuffed the hurt way down deep. I know it is time to let it out and let it go. It's a struggle I feel compelled to share. I think that putting it out in public, may assist me in addressing it.
Perhaps the reason why this book is so difficult to read is that God is telling me the truth in it. I am always trying to be a better person. I hope that I can make changes I need to.
His theory is that it comes from a rejection in early life or a lack of support for your identity (he speaks of the constraints placed on being a male). It totally applies to the way I was brought up.
I was told that I was being silly. That I didn't feel the way I felt. I recieved the message that what I thought and felt didn't matter and I have had to come out from under it my whole life.
I'm on the part of the book that talks about forgiveness, forgiving the people who undermined my development. Showing forgivness to people who hurt me, and forgiving myself for the things that I do. I think that forgivness is the most of difficult thing for me to handle. I have never been able to truly let things go. I hold grudges. I am often angry and unable to express it. I want to control the world around me and when I cant, I want to step out of the world completely.
I have a list of situations I probably need to go back into and pray for forgivness and offer it in return. The title of this post is a quote from Wild at Heart. A personal goal of mine is to use that phrase to try to heal that part of my life. The middle part of that statment "It mattered" is the most difficult. There are many times that I dont think I matter. That my existance is a burden. I try not to get too involved in peoples lives so I dont get in the way. When I say how I feel and it makes people upset, I am embarassed and think it would have been better for me not to be here at all. Intellectually, I understand that I matter. Emotionally, I have allowed the Enemy to convince me that I dont. In turn, I have allowed people to hurt me and I have stuffed the hurt way down deep. I know it is time to let it out and let it go. It's a struggle I feel compelled to share. I think that putting it out in public, may assist me in addressing it.
Perhaps the reason why this book is so difficult to read is that God is telling me the truth in it. I am always trying to be a better person. I hope that I can make changes I need to.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Divagirl strikes again.
After the show last night, Puppetboy started giving me notes again. I tried to be calm about it and even walked away to avoid saying something ugly. I did what a responsible professional should do and I told my stage manager that there was a repeated incidence of a cast member giving me notes. I told her if it happened again, I would request an official meeting. I thought she would be cool about it and be "warned" that it might be coming. Instead, she went to the actor and I am sure in the unkindest of ways told him to back off. She called me last night to report what had happened and that he was defensive about it and she had commanded that he give me an apology.
Great. Now puppetboy will hold resentment against me for telling someone of my displeasure. I have been listening to Joyce Meyer's Approval Addiction and I realize that my bristling about this issue is part of my own problem with being critized and being found lacking. I dont think he is 100% correct for giving me notes after every stupid show, but my reaction to it could be better. I am sure I could just let it roll and say "God is my only critic." I am, however, a human being and as such succeptable to the "slings and arrows" of other humans. I am working on it.
So today I am praying for the best way to be a beacon of peace to the dinner theatre. I certainly didnt intend to cause any trouble. I will pray for forgiveness of my pride and ask for a little more strength.
Great. Now puppetboy will hold resentment against me for telling someone of my displeasure. I have been listening to Joyce Meyer's Approval Addiction and I realize that my bristling about this issue is part of my own problem with being critized and being found lacking. I dont think he is 100% correct for giving me notes after every stupid show, but my reaction to it could be better. I am sure I could just let it roll and say "God is my only critic." I am, however, a human being and as such succeptable to the "slings and arrows" of other humans. I am working on it.
So today I am praying for the best way to be a beacon of peace to the dinner theatre. I certainly didnt intend to cause any trouble. I will pray for forgiveness of my pride and ask for a little more strength.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Divagirl and Godgirl collide
I've been working with one of the best casts I have ever been a part of for months now. Of course, we are all drama queens and so there are moments where everyone is a pain. But for the most part, they are professional, talented and efficient, we have put together a fabulous Little Shop, if I do say so myself.
What I am about to complain about then?
My number one theatrical pet peeve: actors giving other actors notes.
For those who dont know, notes are what the director, musical director, techincal director, choreographer or stage manager give performers or techinicians to inform them of places where they " miss the mark" or need some improvement, etc.
Notes should NEVER be given from one actor to another. If you are talking to a fellow actor and you ask thier opinion or ask what they think you can do to make a task ot a scene work better - that is different. Walking up to someone before a show and telling what they should do differently - totally uncool.
To be specfic, one of the actors who operates the plant wants to make it my issue that he cant seem to sync the plant with my voice. He is always a beat behind. Therefore, he wants me to give him an audible cue as to when to open the " mouth" of the plant. Uh, no. The other actor who shares " plant duty" with him has no problem with how we have worked this out. That is probably because he took the script home and studied his lines ( my lines are HIS lines too). He says the lines while he is in the big plant so the movements match the words. He has also studied me, so he uses some of my head movements for the plant ( which is neat - and pretty hard to do - the plant is really heavy and takes a LOT of upper body strength to manipulate).
The thing that irritated me the most about the situation, aside from this child coming up to me and telling me how perform my lines, was that he went to the director and told her that both puppeteers were having serious issues with how I was doing what I was doing. Which, after talking to the other puppeteer, I found out was not true.
So, I have to let the whole thing go really. Half of the time Whinypuppetboy (tm) wont be there anyway. Since I know whcih shows those will be, i'll just have to pray harder for some patience on those days :). Over all though, I still have to give thanks for an experience that is just what I need right now.
I guess that is how a Diva moment turns into a God moment.
Amen, Ya'll
What I am about to complain about then?
My number one theatrical pet peeve: actors giving other actors notes.
For those who dont know, notes are what the director, musical director, techincal director, choreographer or stage manager give performers or techinicians to inform them of places where they " miss the mark" or need some improvement, etc.
Notes should NEVER be given from one actor to another. If you are talking to a fellow actor and you ask thier opinion or ask what they think you can do to make a task ot a scene work better - that is different. Walking up to someone before a show and telling what they should do differently - totally uncool.
To be specfic, one of the actors who operates the plant wants to make it my issue that he cant seem to sync the plant with my voice. He is always a beat behind. Therefore, he wants me to give him an audible cue as to when to open the " mouth" of the plant. Uh, no. The other actor who shares " plant duty" with him has no problem with how we have worked this out. That is probably because he took the script home and studied his lines ( my lines are HIS lines too). He says the lines while he is in the big plant so the movements match the words. He has also studied me, so he uses some of my head movements for the plant ( which is neat - and pretty hard to do - the plant is really heavy and takes a LOT of upper body strength to manipulate).
The thing that irritated me the most about the situation, aside from this child coming up to me and telling me how perform my lines, was that he went to the director and told her that both puppeteers were having serious issues with how I was doing what I was doing. Which, after talking to the other puppeteer, I found out was not true.
So, I have to let the whole thing go really. Half of the time Whinypuppetboy (tm) wont be there anyway. Since I know whcih shows those will be, i'll just have to pray harder for some patience on those days :). Over all though, I still have to give thanks for an experience that is just what I need right now.
I guess that is how a Diva moment turns into a God moment.
Amen, Ya'll
Friday, June 01, 2007
Team Kenya is doing wonderous things!
Check out the posting from NCC's Team Kenya about what they have been doing. Please keep them in your prayers as they continue to offer thier energy and inspiration to the wonderful people of Nairobi.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Team Kenya's incredible 48 hours
I know you all are probably tired of all this "Team Kenya" talk. But you have to know that I feel like I should have been on this trip. My own hang ups and rocky path that I am walking in the natural and in the spirit kept me from taking this trip. So, as part of my "mission" into myself - I am with intention and enthusiasm following thier journey. So deal with it people :P
Team Kenya: Back Online
Team Kenya: Back Online
The Work of the Holy Spirit
I'm just printing this whole one in my blog - in case you dont click the links. This is something I am working on personally. It's the core, I think to finding the "right" path for you at the right time. I have printed this out and am spending some realy quality time on this challenge. I invite you to do the same. Drop me a note and let me know how it goes for you.
Daily Challenge 5: The Work of the Holy Spirit
This entry is identical to the Daily Devotional Challenge that Team Kenya is using during their trip. It is a study on the 10 Core Values of International Christian Center.
WE VALUE THE WORK OF THE HOLY SPIRIT
Scripture Meditations
Acts 1:8 But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere—in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.
Galatians 5:22-25 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.
1 Corinthians 12:7-11 A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other. To one person the Spirit gives the ability to give wise advice; to another the same Spirit gives a message of special knowledge. The same Spirit gives great faith to another, and to someone else the one Spirit gives the gift of healing. He gives one person the power to perform miracles, and another the ability to prophesy. He gives someone else the ability to discern whether a message is from the Spirit of God or from another spirit. Still another person is given the ability to speak in unknown languages, while another is given the ability to interpret what is being said. It is the one and only Spirit who distributes all these gifts. He alone decides which gift each person should have.
Journal Questions
Have you ever had an Acts 2 Pentecost experience?
What fruit of the Spirit is abundant in your life? What fruit do you need the Spirit to cultivate more in your life?
Have you ever experienced any of the spiritual gifts listed in 1 Corinthians? Which ones? Which gifts scare you? Which gifts interest you?
Actions
Some suggestions for putting it into practice today:
1. Ask the Holy Spirit to fill you. Ask him for opportunities to use specific gifts.
2. Talk with your team members (or friends) about the Holy Spirit and share your answers to the journal questions.
Daily Challenge 5: The Work of the Holy Spirit
This entry is identical to the Daily Devotional Challenge that Team Kenya is using during their trip. It is a study on the 10 Core Values of International Christian Center.
WE VALUE THE WORK OF THE HOLY SPIRIT
Scripture Meditations
Acts 1:8 But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere—in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.
Galatians 5:22-25 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.
1 Corinthians 12:7-11 A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other. To one person the Spirit gives the ability to give wise advice; to another the same Spirit gives a message of special knowledge. The same Spirit gives great faith to another, and to someone else the one Spirit gives the gift of healing. He gives one person the power to perform miracles, and another the ability to prophesy. He gives someone else the ability to discern whether a message is from the Spirit of God or from another spirit. Still another person is given the ability to speak in unknown languages, while another is given the ability to interpret what is being said. It is the one and only Spirit who distributes all these gifts. He alone decides which gift each person should have.
Journal Questions
Have you ever had an Acts 2 Pentecost experience?
What fruit of the Spirit is abundant in your life? What fruit do you need the Spirit to cultivate more in your life?
Have you ever experienced any of the spiritual gifts listed in 1 Corinthians? Which ones? Which gifts scare you? Which gifts interest you?
Actions
Some suggestions for putting it into practice today:
1. Ask the Holy Spirit to fill you. Ask him for opportunities to use specific gifts.
2. Talk with your team members (or friends) about the Holy Spirit and share your answers to the journal questions.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Something to do for Team Kenya
As I said, my thoughts these next couple of weeks are with the National Community Church mission team in Kenya.
I thought I would add the "action" suggestions from the online missions Daily Challenge to my own page. I hope that you will, at the very least, say a prayer for Team Kenya and the team doing good works at International Christian Centre (ICC) in Nairobi.
Pray Scripture over the people of ICC. Some examples of Scripture prayers include Ephesians 1:15-20, Ephesians 3:15-21, Philippians 1:9-11, and Colossians 1:9-14.
Meditate on our trip mission verses: Luke 10:27 and John 13:34-35.
I thought I would add the "action" suggestions from the online missions Daily Challenge to my own page. I hope that you will, at the very least, say a prayer for Team Kenya and the team doing good works at International Christian Centre (ICC) in Nairobi.
Pray Scripture over the people of ICC. Some examples of Scripture prayers include Ephesians 1:15-20, Ephesians 3:15-21, Philippians 1:9-11, and Colossians 1:9-14.
Meditate on our trip mission verses: Luke 10:27 and John 13:34-35.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Pastorfriend (tm) speaks
I miss her already, so it is really nice to have her "voice" via blog to remind me of what really matters. Big God.
Keep the prayers going... Team Kenya arrives!
My friends on the National Community Church missions trip to Kenya have arrived. To follow thier amazing journey click here.
Friday, May 25, 2007
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