Broken - part one - the day job...

That is what I am.

Friends, I dont think I have ever felt more off base than I do right now. My body is certainly reacting to my brokeness in it's usual way. I am battling something akin to a monster cold. The verdict is out on whether it is a virus or an infection, but let me tell you it has been a whopper. I have been so drained and so tired and when I am not sleeping off that feeling, I am coughing up a a lung. It's pretty.

On a deeper level, I know I am sick because I am unhappy. My immune system shuts down when I am stressed, depressed or tired and for the past three months I have been all three at once.

In Janaury, I gave my notice at Ye Olde and with hope in my heart and a fancy new title ahead of me, I lept into the arms of the The Center (tm). At it's heart is a founder and artistic director whom I respect for her work and leadership. I wish that I had met and worked with her two decades ago - I think she was in her prime then. I was too scared to audition for her ( or any one) then. Ten years after that, I did audition and the beginning of my real audition phobias began. When my friends convinced me to audition again and I got the role of "Audrey II" - so many good things happened for me.

I thought that the organization was a place where I could establish a nice little niche and stay for a while. I was half right. The theatre is a nice place for me to get some positive acting experiences and a nice little chunk of change. The organization (meaning any aspect of production or administration or it's not for profit subsidiary) is a soul sucking vortex. People get in there, get comfortable ( I dont know how, but they do) and stay forever... but they are miserable. I dont want to be one of those people. I can see how easy it is to be one of those people.

You dont want to hurt her. You respect and in a way love her. I have learned, the hard way, that her love comes at a high price. To earn her love you must blindly obey even if it is irrational. You must agree even if it skews your moral compass. You must accept that she will turn on you and be mean and awful at one moment and then pretend like she didnt do a thing the next. All of that nutsy kookooness has to be blankly accepted. So parts of you die off and the parts that live are angry, bitter and immune to the hurtfulness.

PS Y'all this is a JOB.... not a relationship, not a marriage, not a family... a JOB... for all of that you must thank her for being underpaid. I TOOK A PAY AND BENEFIT CUT AND AN INCREASE IN CONTRIBUTION TO MY HEALTH INSURANCE for this malarky. Yep. I blew this one.

Now, I could run off to New York like I have done so many times when life in DC seems to stupid for words... but I have committed myself to many things ...projects, communities, relationships... and it just wouldnt be fair to dump them all. For the first time in five years though... it actually sounds like a good idea...which scares me.

The other option is to change day jobs and rearrange " the plan" a little bit. While I think this is the path I will take...it is the harder choice. I dont do hard choices well. I dont change very well and I think this is going to require a big change.

I am pouring all of this out to the universe, not for solutions ( though opinions, commiserations and suggestions are welcome) but to acknowlege that this is happening. I have a problem articulating what "the matter" is. I tend to lump it all into the category of depression and let it stew there... this is where I would usually say " I don't know". The thing is, I DO know. I just need to do something about it.

Weeble Wednesday

On Wednesday afternoons, I get the pleasure of leaving the world of Ye Olde and enter the world of elementary school. ( One of my co-workers has dubed all little kids "weebles" and the name has stuck.) I am co-teaching an after school group. It's about 30 kids in grades K - 5th grade. They are all fascinating! They are full of energy and for the most part totally open to playing and acting. The only reticence I sense is from the older kids ( the 4th and 5th graders). It's interesting to see at what point in a child's development the peer pressure kicks in. Fortunately, by the time we really get into what we're doing that day, they forget how cool they are supposed to be and act as silly as every one else.

I was terribly scared to work with this young population. I thought for sure that they wouldn't respond well to me and I would be struggling to maintain. But I was pleasantly suprised by their wholehearted acceptance of me. I am able to teach and play with them and they respond...with no agenda, no prejudice. It's totally the kind of experience I need right now and I am ready for more of the same.

Weebles ROCK!

Um...

Crazyman (tm) gave notice. He'll be gone by March...will I?

Bat Boy: The process begins...

I just spent the afternoon with Dr. Mentor at the college, hammering out some details about the upcoming production of Bat Boy:The Musical that I am directing for them. I am really excited to be back on the director/teacher side of things.

I asked him to give me some assesments of the students we had on hand and what kind of talent we were looking at. I think we'll be okay. The show only requires three really strong leads and the rest of the cast just has to be willing to go out on limb for comedy. It should be an interesting experience to see these young actors tackle a script they arent familiar with and really have to "work" through it.

I love being up in the mountains...it's so peaceful there. The air is different and I feel really enegerized after being there for a while.

There is a lot of work to do. Right now, I have to secure two choreographers and an accompianist...get some set design ideas to the TD, come up with a costume scheme ( so that a student can shop it), find someone with a score so we can come up with musical sides for the audition and well, think about the over all concept for the show.

I'll keep you posted on how it's going.

Ease on down...

I just got off the phone with the Artistic Director of Expansion Dance Project. She offered me the role of "Evilene" in The Wiz. Awesome!

The summer of eeeeevil continues. It runs in September. I will send out more information as I get it.

But...yay!

Post meeting report.

I sought the advice of my mom and several friends solicted some prayer warriors for me on the whole "handling" issue. My mom came up with to interesting points of view -one from the management side about making things work even when they cant ( very pro crazy people) and one about me and how I should handle the situation. Interestingly enough, even though she gave an excuse as to why they would do the things that they do her advice to me was " say what you want to say." Which is a new one from her. She is usualy a " go along to get along" kind of person.

What ended up happening? I sat pretty quietly and doodled the whole meeting away. I spoke about other things in my regualr candid way, but I did what they asked me in the meeting. Then I went upstairs and started pulling job listings. I also too a three hour lunch with my intern. He said something while we were in the car that was so very true. Ye Olde is filled with passive agressive people - it's actually how we manage every situation. I say "we", becasue that is what I did today. It's what I do everyday. And I am ashamed of it. It only serves to cause me more pain. It's something that I DETEST in other people, because it is something I DETEST in myself.

I am grateful for the mirror that this job experience has been. It has shown me a lot about who I am and who I dont want to become. Perhaps, since some of the more difficult to express values have manifested themselves about the job, I can finally move on.

I think I want something that I dont feel as passionate about. A job where I am well compensated for my administrative skills but it isnt personal. Something that wont hurt my feelings. So I can save that energy for my "real life". My life in Christ, His gift of artistry to me...

Little Shop, the designer run.

Tonight, we ran through the whole show for the design and technical teams. Both puppeteers were there, the lighting designer and operator, the sound designer, one of the guys in the band, the costume designer and lots of techies. The show is in amazing shape. It's a testament to the professionalism and talent of the company how truly ready this show is. We have had about 20 rehearsals! It's a whirlwind and it works.

It was fun, it cool to see all the people who will be making it happen. As someone who works on both sides of the stage, I have a great respect for everyone who does this work. It's not easy, but it is wonderful.

These are the times that I can see doing this kind of work for a long long time to come.

Getting to feel like a show.

I just got back from a Little Shop rehearsal and realized that I hadnt talked about the process at all.

It's been so simple. The company is very professional and talented. The rehearsals move quickly and smoothly. There is very little drama. All the performers hit thier marks and thier notes and just do " thier thing" every time.

The show has been rehearsed in sections. The music was rehearsed for a few weeks. The scenes were "put on thier feet" out of order. Certain scenes were rehearsed during the day with the actors that were in those scenes. There were times that I rehearsed with " Seymour" and the puppeteers. ( For those who dont know, I am the voice of the man eating plant. The plant itself will be operated by a puppeteer). I feel like I havent rehearsed a lot. But really...we're at the point where the whole things is being pieced together. In fact, tomorrow we are doing a run for the designers to watch.

We are getting very close to tech week. I anticipate that will be a tough process. The theatre is in the round and the staging is done with that in mind. The rehearsal as been without set pieces so it will be interesting to see what the addition of "actual" things will do for the show. Again, I am really really lucky... I get to sit with the band in the pit and work off my script and the conductor. FUN!

I am blessed to be a part of the team and even more blessed to know that the company thinks I am talented and "one of them". That rocks so hard. I am lucky , cuz in this show I just have to sing real hard a couple of times and they love me for it.

I have had a couple of people actually tell me how glad they are that I am there and how glad they are to have met me. Really people, I have been just showing up and hanging out! I know that the spirit of the Lord is in me - and that and not me is what is attractive to these people. It's thrilling. I know that I have some opportunities and openings with this company. It's time to put some of the things I am discovering and learning out there. How awesome is that?

God has made a way for me. I thank my fairy godmothers for pushing me to do this. I know it is all a part of His plan for me. I've said to a couple of people " maybe I am supposed to be a Broadway missionary". Maybe... and maybe this is a test run. I will try to reveal, by example, the blessings of God.

I feel real lucky right now.

And I am telling you...

I didn't get a part in Dreamgirls... LOL

I was very pleased after getting the role in Little Shop... to be asked if I was able to the attend the Dreamgirls audition. I told the producer that I couldnt leave DC until 5:30pm ( when the audition started). She said there was no problem with that - just show up. Sweeeet!

I dont get down there until 7:30 and they were still seeing the girls. I hopped up on stage and sang and read and then I got sent home. oops. I was done. I didnt mind though, the energy among the girls was kind of negative. Also... this show is at the Baltimore Travel Plaza location. Which is pretty far. I didnt feel as comfortable at this location as I did at the Columbia loc.

The upside of this evening was I got to sit and have a long conversation with one of my girls from Beehive. She was frustrated by her audition experience and I was glad to have to opportunity to encourage her. It was also great to connect with her again. I like to have a variety of people in my world. We bring something different to each others world. There's no monotony and no co-dependence. It's really cool.

I will endevour to spend more time with her. She only lives over the border in PG County! LOL.
Anyway... no Effie for me...not yet ;)

Feed Me...

I got a call today from Toby's Dinner Theatre. I am going to be playing the role of "Audrey II" in the upcoming production of Little Shop of Horrors. Whoo hooo!

A couple of things about this gig... I have wanted to work at Toby's for many years. I have also wanted to pay the man-eating plant sice I was in college and understudied it. It involves weekday matinees. These may be the spliting point for me and the Marketing department at Ye Olde. I cant imagine that Crazyman (tm) and LeftBrain (tm) will appreciate or approve 11 Wednesday's this summer. Especially in light of the fact that I was honest with them and told them I hated the boring part of my job and didnt want to do it anymore. Like I said, this may be the parting of the ways.

I am not in a place of fear about this though. There are several solutions on the horizon... one of them involves coffee :)

Nevertheless... I thank my fairygodmothers for pushing me and loving me through the auditions and helping over the hurdles. Trust me, y'all will get a shout out in the program.

From Urchin to Plant in an hour...

Okay, I got up at the crack of dawn...alright 7am, and boogied up to Columbia, MD. I just barely got there on time. I run in and sign in. There are a lot of women there. I would say 20. Which is a lot for a dinner theatre callback, I think. All beautiful , all different shapes and sizes. So, at least I know that I have a good of a shot as any. It would have been much worse if I had walked in and I was the only " Jennifer Hudson" type in the room.

Anyway, we all learned the parts for harmony on the song "Little Shop..." and the three solos for the "Urchins". Then they divided us up into groups of three. We sang the songs and then they danced us.

:: cue dramatic music::

I am not a dancer, and I proved it once again at this audition. I have to get lessons. I have to do something. This is one of those things that kept me from "going for it" before. I would get so scared of being seen as elephant dancing. I would stay inside my head and not learn the whole combination.

After the combination, I was cut - but the director asked me to stay and sing for the role of "the plant". Awesome! I have always thought that role would be great as a woman. Making a "love triangle" between Seymour, Audrey and Audrey II ( the plant). Better still... I could sing to my hearts content and do it from backstage and still get paid ! LOL

Anyway, I sang with two other girls and five men for the role, read for the director and headed home. I gave a shoutout to gentleartsyfriend (tm) to let her know that I had done it and I was relieved and tired. I called my sister and she said she was getting some of my favorite pizza. I decided I was going to spend the rest of the day on the couch watching CourtTV.

I dont know what will come of the audition. I feel like I did my best. That's all I can do, right?

Tell me something good...

Just as I was leaving the office tonight, my cell phone rang. It was someone from a local dinner theatre I had been trying to keep in contact with. She called me to come and sing for roles in Little Shop... and Dreamgirls! I am so thrilled to have this chance.

I hope that this is a sign of bright beginnings.

Another Day at the Ranch

It was so tough to wake up this morning. I am eating so badly, I’m sure that I contributing to the malaise. I am changing the eating game when I get back to DC. Food is totally my enemy. I love it, I hate it. Bleh.

Anyway, I was late to the caucus meeting, I’m glad I made it. My new friend and Tourism mentor, George gave the group a list of leads – people to make contact with during the week. It will be tougher for me since I don’t have appointments, but I think I will be able to do follow up when I get home. More work to do, but I don’t mind.

I met a nice woman by the name of Katie. She has my same title over at Ford’s. She’s was really and spent most of the day together till she had to go to her appointments.

I met some cool people from Nederlander Group Sales. Once upon a time, I worked in the same building as Nederlander. The Group Sales Manager actually knew who I was. LOL. I guess I was a pretty memorable receptionist at Didney. Who knew? They wanted me to come out and have drinks with them. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but as much as I wanted to go out with them, I knew I couldn’t or rather, wasn’t going to. I have got to fix that.

Today’s luncheon was sponsored by the Branson, MO CVB. It was an incredible show, mostly country but really interesting. It makes me want to go visit the city. They have 100 shows there. The streets must be lined with theatres. If you need work in the theatre – that’s prolly the place to go. Even Sight and Sound is building a new theatre there. Pretty amazing stuff.

The coolest part was when they trotted out Andy Williams for the finale. Everyone at my table who knew who he was said “ I didn’t think he was still alive”. LOL. I am fan of old school standards singers, so I was stoked to see him and loved that he sang “The Shadow of Your Smile” and “Moon River” Come on! How great is that?

After some seminars ( I have taken enough seminars to get a professional development certificate J ). If I take a couple more I will completed the seminar portion of a professional certification program accrediated by the ABA. I am thinking about it. It cant hurt. George suggested that I join a committee at ABA and get more involved. As soon as I get an assistant, I can be more active in stuff like that.

My computer is still not connecting to the internet properly. I haven’t been able to check my work email. There are probably a jillion emails piling up. It will take me all day Sunday or Monday to clear it out. ARGH.

"Home" Again, "Home" Again

I just finished my Whataburger and I am settled back in my big bed at the hotel. I went to the Group Sales Box Office lunch. I met a nice lady from Louisiana and we sat together. She was very interested in theatre and goes to NYC once a year to see shows. She usually makes her choices based on the presentations she sees at conferences like the one we’re at. I can see why. The show was super neat!

But I am getting ahead of myself…. I headed toward the Texas Ballroom and found myself in a big crowd waiting to get in. When they opened the doors I experienced a real Texas stampede! LOL. I even mooed ;)

My new friend and I sat down at a table in the middle of the room. Lunch was already plated and sitting in front of us. The room was kind of dim so I didn’t really see what I ate. I think it was chicken and some kind of dirty rice and some yummy green beans. The show started about two minutes after we sat down. The show was composed of ten songs from current Broadway shows. It was all understudies – but only a theatre geek like me would know or care. The ten shows were Beauty and the Beast, The Color Purple, The Drowsy Chaperone, Hairspray, The Lion King, Mary Poppins, Spamalot, Tarzan, …Spelling Bee and Wicked. It sold me on a couple of shows. I am planning a trip to NYC for a weekend to see the ABC Daytime Stars BC/EFA benefit show in February, so I am going to get a couple more shows in. Tarzan and The Color Purple are definitely in my future. If …Spelling Bee comes on tour to DC I would see that. It was funny.

After the lunch show, I went to a couple of seminars. I really liked them. One was about web marketing. She was a powerhouse and I plan on getting a couple of her books. The other was about being a good salesperson.

Then I boogied on down to the marketplace floor. This is where all the booths and stuff are. I went to the DC booth and ran into the guy who is repping the DC convention and tourism bureau. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. He started introducing me to people and giving me advice. It was fantastic! I felt like I was being taught something. I was being given access to this world that I was only on the periphery of. This is going to be alright.

Monday, Monday...

Things aren’t going so well this morning. I am having some stomach issues that are keeping me in the hotel room. I’ve missed some of the sessions this am but there are more this afternoon and for the next three days.

I am trying to make it to the conference in time for the Broadway lunch. It’s a chance for me talk to people who have an interest in theatre. I have about two hours to get my act together.

I am having issues with my computer. I don’t know what I did wrong, but I can’t get on the internet, which is a problem. Not only for my blogging, but I can’t check my work email – which multiply faster than rabbits in the spring. I feel disconnected. I don’t enjoy that.

On the upside, I can watch court shows while my stomach settles…

God on Broadway

On Friday, January 26th I will be performing in a revue of Broadway tunes called God on Broadway.

The show is sponsored by my church, National Community Church – the coolest church on the planet! It’s an exploration of man’s relationship with God, using classic and contemporary Broadway music. It should be a fun night of people just singing their hearts out. Come join us at Ebenezer’s Coffeehouse, 201 F Street, NE at 8:00pm. The admission is FREE ( it doesn’t get any better than that now does it?).

I’m hoping that this is the beginning of some real singing for me this year, so come on down and send some positive vibes my way! :)

Appointment With Death

The dinner theatre play opened last night. It was definately like a dress rehearsal, with all sorts of clunky things happening to on stage. There was the world's longest scene change and a wardrobe malfunction. One of the principals was sick and so an understudy opened the show. It was all kinds of crazy.

The director was so frazzled, I actually felt bad for him. He had been sick and had an injury. He hadnt slept well and hadnt been eating well. I dont understand why we do this to ourselves. I know that tech weeks can be stressful, but I think we bring some of this on ourselves. I know that I have the same problem. By assisting him I was able to see some of the things I would want to change about how I do my work as well.

I know that I want to do things better. I want to work smarter, not harder. I am contemplating setting up a system - a team of people I can work with to make producing theatre easier. This is something I am working on in my mind. People in place to work with in every capacity I work in. I wont put it all down here... but I will keep you posted. Makin it new in 2007...

Back to it all...

Just sat back down to my desk after the first staff meeting of 2007 at Ye Olde. I really didn't feel like coming back today. The meeting was uneventful and rather tame. Thank goodness.

I am having bad stomach cramps - the remains of the holiday cootie my sister gave to my mom and I. Thanks Liz! I called the doctor and I am scheduled for an appointment tomorrow am. Hopefully it will run its course before then. I will have to see an associate of my Dr.'s and frankly
I've never had a good experience with any one of them. They never seem to care - I am sure that is because I am not " thier " patient. Anyway, I hope I am better by then.

There are too many pieces of paper on my desk and none of them mean anything to me right now. Is that bad?

Our Kind of People

I am reading a book called Our Kind of People by Lawrence Otis Graham. It's a survey of the Black Elite - the very tippy top of African American society. It's really interesting but, disheartening.

I'm reading this book for Ye Olde. The company wants to attact a new group of attendees. This demographic fits the kind of people they are looking for. The more I read, the more I dont want to work on this project. I don't think I am cut out for the work of convincing people to buy something they don't want. I need to get out my current job.

It's funny how certain things can bring clarity to situations. Tomorrow I send in my application for grad school, make the requests for transcripts and reccomendations. Only thing left to do is write that infernal article or research paper.

Rehearsal

It's the first time I have been back to the dinner theatre since I went to NYC. The show is better, but still clunky. The director doesn't seem to be able to pull the best out of this company. Sometimes I think his need to be liked supercedes is role as a director. That was a lesson I learned a long time ago. You cant always be best buds with the company if you want to direct a good show. Sometimes you just have to be a jerk ( or least they think you are a jerk).

Dinner Theatre is an odd community. The actors are directors, designers, techies, actors, fans, critics and enemies. Relationships overlap and that causes all sorts of blurred lines. The Susan is a prime example of that. On the one hand, it is great because you have the opportunity to do all sorts of things.... but on the other hand, the management expects you to do everything too. Complicated, right?

I say this because after the rehearsal the director, one of the actresses in the show and I have been doing costumes for the show. Pulling and sewing and buying. So after the rehearsal, I was tagging and making a punch and shop list with the director. Who has attention deficit. So he was flitting back and forth. and it was really tough for him to concentrate. and I wanted to stab him.

We trekked off to the Salvation Army store and picked up some stuff and I think he is pleased with what he has. That's good, cuz I was tired and over it for the day.