First Rehearsal - Getting MY Head in The Game.

So today was the first rehearsal for High School Musical. It was great! Lots of fun - people were in a great mood and ready to work.

I arrived at the theatre only to find that there was no power. Let me tell ya - this was NOT the way I planned to start the day. It was cold to begin with and there would be no hope of it warming up if the power hadn't been on all night. SIGH.

I was there ahead of time to audition two more guys for the show. We're still short a couple of fellas ( So, if you know anyone who might want to do HSM for a couple of months - please let me know). I was worried I would have to audition them in the parking lot. What a great impression that would have given! The stage manager arrived and opened up the bar at the top of the hill. There is a dance floor with a bank of windows that would give us light to work. SHAWEEW. The guys never showed up, which was a bummer but the people that did show up were ready to roll!

The choreographer started them off with " We're all in this together" the big dance number at the end of the show. I thought everyone did really well. I know some people dont think that they are dancers, but they all did really well.

We did a read thru of the script. The group had fun being silly and really learning what the story is all about. It's a sweet show and I am very excited about how good the group is. We were missing our "Ryan", "Martha" and "Darbus" as well as a few additional Wildcats. We'll be almost complete tomorrow and I will take a "class picture" then.

I've started taking a few snaps for my scrapbook.... I hope you enjoy them.

Thought I would stop in...

There's a lot going on right now.

The country is changing...a person who looks like me is about to become the most powerful man in the United States. There is a spirit of amazing hope and optimism. I want to be a part of that. I am just not sure how.

For right now, I am keeping on, keeping on... Grad School, Working, Theatre....

Grad School

I am taking Text Analysis again ( I didnt finish it the first time ::sigh::) and Playwrighting. It's a lot of reading and writing, but I dont think it will be too much.

Work

Disco Theater keeps me very busy. The days really are flying by. We are already thinking about next season. There are some exciting things coming down the pike - i'll let you know when I get the go ahead.

Theatre

This is where it is getting interesting... I just got offered the position to direct Disney's High School Musical at the Lazy Susan. It should be quite an adventure. I think that is going to the direction of my blog for a little while.

So, that's what's happening...it's busy .... but y'all know, if it's busy - it's Genevieve :)

Be breezy!

Emotional Adultery

As usual, a mere moment of shared time with Pastorfriend ™ offers me hours of contemplation. I love that she brings my thoughts to a higher and more complicated strata every time we talk.

Last night she brought up the concept of Emotional Adultery. The idea is that you offer all of this support and love to someone who cannot or will not return or complete the relationship. Often times this happens within friendships between gay guys and straight women. I think this is absolutely true. I think that we ( straight women) get “involved” with men who “get” us and we think that all that sharing is healthy and wonderful. However, we try to have relationships with straight men and we are stymied by the lack of emotion or confused by their behavior or whatever happens.

Might we have been training ourselves over time to expect less and less from our potential partner by allowing these emotional “ lovers” to take so much without reciprocity? I think this is true. But what does one do? To a certain extent, we’ll put up with some of this for life – we have friends that we don’t want to lose so we compromise.

I don’t have any definitive answers on this on. I am still thinking it over. What do y’all think?

back from oblivion...

Well, not really oblivion... just life as usual.

I have been inspired to return to blog world by of all things a podcast I have been turned on to. It is probably one of the most idiotic, crass, unecessary podcasts ever created and I LOVE IT. It's two straight white drunk guys watching bad movies and talking about it. Reel Drunk

It's about as messed up as you can get and for the past couple of weeks I have tuning in eagerly every Tuesday to get my fix. (warning: coarse language, seriously coarse themes and well coarseness abounds - not a podcast for the faint of heart)

These fellas are hella smart and I know for a fact that at least one of them is wasting his time. I like them a lot and want them to be my friends... is that wierd? Probably.

Anyway, enough about them... about me.

I am doing great! I have risen from the ashes of March and I am now feeling like I am on track.
Very quickly ( since I am work and need to get back to it)

1. I left "The Center" - I took the job to get away from "Ye Olde" and it was more dysfunctional than "Ye Olde" EEK. Leaving wasnt pretty, but it sure felt good.

2. I left the guy - it was simply the wrong connection. Neither of us had our heart in it.

3. I started a new job , we'll call it "The Institution" ;) It's awesome. It's challenging, it has growth potential and it's definately keeping me busy.

4. I am doing All Shook Up at Toby's for the summer. I am having so much fun doing it you would not even believe it.

Don't get me wrong, I have my fair share of challenges going on as well;

1. Some chronic pain - although I have been losing weight - the joints and the back wont stop hurting. I will be seeing a doctor about it soon.

2. School - I am struggling to finish two classes this summer. I forgot to fill out my FAFSA for this year so I dont know how I am going to pay for it and yeah, I think that's enough of that.

3. I cant seem to get my house clean and that is totally frustrating. I thought when my sister moved, I would be compelled to make it all shiny and new. Nope, I just shifted my mess into the spaces she left empty. Nice.

4. and last but certainly not least, I have been absent from NCC and my relationship with God for a good long while. I couldnt tell you why... but I know it is affecting me.

I'm working on all those last ones... and celebrating the all the good ones. Life is life y'all - up down and sideways. Never boring, always a trip. I hope that it's all good where you are too.

In the meantime,

May tomorrow be a perfect day
May you find love and laughter along the way
May God keep you in His tender care, till He brings us together again.

Peace out!G

Broken - part one - the day job...

That is what I am.

Friends, I dont think I have ever felt more off base than I do right now. My body is certainly reacting to my brokeness in it's usual way. I am battling something akin to a monster cold. The verdict is out on whether it is a virus or an infection, but let me tell you it has been a whopper. I have been so drained and so tired and when I am not sleeping off that feeling, I am coughing up a a lung. It's pretty.

On a deeper level, I know I am sick because I am unhappy. My immune system shuts down when I am stressed, depressed or tired and for the past three months I have been all three at once.

In Janaury, I gave my notice at Ye Olde and with hope in my heart and a fancy new title ahead of me, I lept into the arms of the The Center (tm). At it's heart is a founder and artistic director whom I respect for her work and leadership. I wish that I had met and worked with her two decades ago - I think she was in her prime then. I was too scared to audition for her ( or any one) then. Ten years after that, I did audition and the beginning of my real audition phobias began. When my friends convinced me to audition again and I got the role of "Audrey II" - so many good things happened for me.

I thought that the organization was a place where I could establish a nice little niche and stay for a while. I was half right. The theatre is a nice place for me to get some positive acting experiences and a nice little chunk of change. The organization (meaning any aspect of production or administration or it's not for profit subsidiary) is a soul sucking vortex. People get in there, get comfortable ( I dont know how, but they do) and stay forever... but they are miserable. I dont want to be one of those people. I can see how easy it is to be one of those people.

You dont want to hurt her. You respect and in a way love her. I have learned, the hard way, that her love comes at a high price. To earn her love you must blindly obey even if it is irrational. You must agree even if it skews your moral compass. You must accept that she will turn on you and be mean and awful at one moment and then pretend like she didnt do a thing the next. All of that nutsy kookooness has to be blankly accepted. So parts of you die off and the parts that live are angry, bitter and immune to the hurtfulness.

PS Y'all this is a JOB.... not a relationship, not a marriage, not a family... a JOB... for all of that you must thank her for being underpaid. I TOOK A PAY AND BENEFIT CUT AND AN INCREASE IN CONTRIBUTION TO MY HEALTH INSURANCE for this malarky. Yep. I blew this one.

Now, I could run off to New York like I have done so many times when life in DC seems to stupid for words... but I have committed myself to many things ...projects, communities, relationships... and it just wouldnt be fair to dump them all. For the first time in five years though... it actually sounds like a good idea...which scares me.

The other option is to change day jobs and rearrange " the plan" a little bit. While I think this is the path I will take...it is the harder choice. I dont do hard choices well. I dont change very well and I think this is going to require a big change.

I am pouring all of this out to the universe, not for solutions ( though opinions, commiserations and suggestions are welcome) but to acknowlege that this is happening. I have a problem articulating what "the matter" is. I tend to lump it all into the category of depression and let it stew there... this is where I would usually say " I don't know". The thing is, I DO know. I just need to do something about it.

Broken - part two - grad school

I have to withdraw from one of my classes this semester. I was so stoked that I only had one "book" course this semester. I started out very hopeful that I could keep up with the assignments especially given my new job situation was going to be so flexible.

RELATED JOB TANGENT, FORGIVE ME:When I interviewed for the job, the General Manager indicated that I would be able to work from home one day a week and that my hours would be rather flexible. This gave me hope that I could, on the day I was working from home, devote some time to doing school related work as well. She also indicated that I had an in office schedule that would allow me to have a few hours during the day to work on school work. None of this was true at all. From day one she clamped down so hard on me I still have bear trap marks on my butt.

When the flexibility I had hoped for didnt manifest, I was stymied. I tried to put in a few hours after my commute from Columbia to Emmitsburg - but that just didnt work. I couldnt put in the late hours writing and researching that I had the semester before because I now had to be to work an hour earlier with almost an hours commute. I had to lay down and go to sleep as soon as I got home or my health would suffer ( ha ha). I just couldnt make it work. Assignments were being turned in a week late or not being turned in at all.

Finally, this week, I realized, I would not pass this class. I asked to withdraw or to recieve an incomplete and finish it this summer. I am still waiting to hear what the dean has to say about that.

The thing is, in my program, I am probably the only person who is 100% in the business - morning noon and night. That is my problem and my advantage. I hope that they take that into consideration. Otherwise, I'll be studying for the GRE and applying to new schools.

The level of shame and embarassment that I have about this situation is immense. However, like I said in my previous post - this "confession" is about acknowlging my situation for what it is and moving forward. So that's how school is going...

Broken - part three - my new beau

This will be the shortest of the posts. My new fella is 15 years older than me, I met him through an online ad. He is educated and old school ( opens doors, pays for things, has some southern gentleman ways about him). He thinks I'm beautiful and interesting and wants to wine and dine me and show me off. He's a grown man who has been married before, has two grown children - I can't imagine he is looking to start a new family ( which is okay, I dont know that I am the family type). I believe he is fond of me. I know he desires me. I dont know that he loves me.

All of it sounds quite nice, yes? And yet, this is the not the kind of relationship I should have. I dont think that he will ever come church with me. ( and if I am being honest, to be with him, I have missed a couple of weekend services - but that is a WHOLE other post) I am sure I could introduce him to my friends and he says he would like that - but I dont think that my friends will see what I see. Or maybe my friends will see what I dont want them to see. It's complex and it's a compromise.

When I am with him, it feels right...when I come home, I dont know. That's about all I have to say on this for now.

Broken - part four - me and God

This is the big Broken.

I haven't opened a Bible in months.

I haven't prayed.

The last time I was near the church was for an audition for a show at the church.

I am disconnected, disillusioned and disheartened.

I believe that everything else that is broken is because I have put God on mute.

I don't know when I got too busy for Him, too scared of Him, too needy for the things of this world to cling to Him - but I have.

I am completely Broken.

I have messed up my life on the inside. On the outside, it just looks hectic and over committed. But it's over committed so I dont have time to deal with what's broken on the inside.

I have been too ashamed to reach out to my pastorfriend (tm) or pastor mark... or the beautiful community I built just a year ago.

I am completely Broken.

I state this only as a battlecry. Not as a litany of complaints, nor as a laundry list of things that people can save me from. I am not the person I have been. Please dont read this and think you can rescue me. You can not. You may not know this, but I do - EVERYONE'S life has broken spots. I just happen to be secure enough in my brokeness to list them out. Believe me, this isnt all of them - not nearly all of them.

I do not know what the next steps are... I only know that they are my own, it's my road... the broken road.

dropping like files...

So am working on a show up at the Mount and it doesnt look good at the moment. I've been getting a rough vibe on this one from the get go. So far of the 18 people I cast, I have lost 5. None of the principals, so far...

The rehearsals have been rough and the kids are lukewarm about it. The music doesnt sound right and there is no one doing the production management. I definately am not being paid enough to coordinate every aspect of this show.

I just had someone drop out becasue they wanted to go to the Senior Prom. For real? The SENIOR PROM - Like this was high school. I dont know why I picked up this gig. I have no support and I am not having any fun with it.

Interestingly enough, I am not having any fun doing much of anything right now.

I know, I know life isnt all about fun... but I will say this, I liked it better when I was an actress.

Clown to the left of me... Jokers to the right...

Nothing ever really goes as planned does it?

I am sitting at my new desk at my new job and some old feelings are popping up. There is a feeling a dread that I get every time my "boss" is mentioned. She's a little unstable - meaning, she does very little save read everyone's email and blame other people for things not getting done. She's a bit of a sad sally with a penchant for complaining.

I will say, I dont feel like commiting myself to a mental ward every morning like I did at Ye Olde... but I aint jumpin out of bed singing "Oh what a beautiful mornin'" either.

Theatre people are unhappy people. I have always known that, but I don;'t really know what to do about it. I certainly dont want to go off and work at IBM or something - but what else am I to do?

Can you believe it? I am trying to figure out what to do with my life... AGAIN.

Oh well... I have stuff to do - on todays menu: a class to teach, letters to write, press release to craft, audition to go to and a date tonight. When I put it like that, it doesnt sound so bad ...LOL

plus the poster child for antidepressants has the flu so she is out today.

Lunch at the Macaroni Grill

Back by popular demand.

My blog.

No really ya'll I was ( and still am to a certain extent) so busy that I didnt have time to breathe let alone blog.

But here I am. Trying again. I was really groovin for a while there and then life exploded... well, that's really dramatic but you know what I mean.

Today, I am thinking about why it is that I go to a restaurant and eat three times what is considered a normal human portion.

Why does that happen? No one holds a gun to my head. There was the bread.... there went the bread ( yes, we'll have another LOAF!) Then the pasta... lots of pasta ( oh, I'm full... but this is so tasty). WTF, people!!!!

I wonder why I couldnt have put part of it in a container and took it home or left it at the office for lunch tomorrow? I'll need to eat tomorrow.

I'm feeling overstuffed, guilty and confused. Food is my friend...Food is my enemy.

PS: The bread the Macaroni Grill is laced with CRACK. I'm just saying....

Monday, monday...

It's a busy day for me.

My sister's birthday is today so I have to go get her a token of my lpve and devotion. I am going to run out to the Michael's and get a gift certificate so she can get a poster and a certificate from her time in Teach for America framed. I think she will like that. She's thinking about how she will decorate her new house so things like that are important to her.

Leftbrain (tm) is out sick today, so I wont be harrassed at the j-o-b today.

I am still playing catch up, but I think I can get a handle on it this week, if I don't get distracted.

Tonight, we move into the dressing room at Toby's Sound of Music is officially in tech.

I am overdue on my writing class assignment - I think I can get it in tonight if I can write at Toby's. I will be glad that I only have one actual book class next semester. (I will be doing module classes for a week and I will have a directing internship) If I didnt have the day job I think it would be better ( in so many ways). It's been kind of tough getting all my assignments in on time this semester.

On top of all this I am still battling this "cootie". It's screwing with my voice and I really dislike that. I hope that it will go away before opening night.

Okay, that's about it... I better get down to it.

The Tooth Fairy, Y'all.

14 hours of sleep, a cup of tea, some slippers and laundry

That's what today is all about. My throat is not feeling better. But I have paid off all of my ebay purchases ( Barbies are my weakness... I just won a Donny and Marie set, a Dooney and Burke, a Powerpuff Girls and a gorgeous Avon Special Edition. I'm stopping, I swear - I had a bad week and needed a boost). I am working on some assignments for school, between naps and relaxing.

It's going to be a busy week, Sound of Music opens Thursday and there is still a LOT to do at work in order for me to get comfortably caught up.

But today...ahhhhhhh.....weekend.

Long day.

I had a pretty long day today.

We had our final rehearsal for Sound of Music before tech. It was an all day thing with a half hour for lunch. Pretty exhausting, but I think that the show is almost ready.

Then Chaneylah (tm) and I went to get her a vehicle. Car shopping is pretty tiring and then add to it that we went to Ghettomotors (tm) to obtain the Chaneylahmobile (tm) and lets just say... it was the longest evening I've had in a long time. It started with a used car salesman jumping on us the second we got out of the car - hate that. Then Miss C had to haggle for financing - which I think is so stressful and a little soul sucking. Once that was done, they got her " into a car" but it had to be driven to the dealership from another location. An hour after that, we found out that they had forgotten about bringing the car over so we had to wait for even longer. Meanwhile, in the dealership the cast of characters that passed through was just astounding. It was "Ghetto fabulous" - down to the point where the dealership was clearing out and the sales people pumped up the Jay-Z music and started looking at porn sites on the company computers. I am not kidding. Five hours later though, Miss C rode off the lot in a really cute bright blue buggy.

I am sitting in the big chair now. Hoping that this throat thing I am feeling is not going to get any worse before SOM opens. I'm off to bed.

Tonight.

I'm posting this blog entry from the office of Toby's dinner theatre. It's a long story, but bascially I am doing my homework here tonight so I can give a friend a lift. Good deed for the day if you will.

But I have to say it's not a bad experience. There are lots of people in the company of this show that were a part of my terrific Little Shop experience. So, I'm getting lots of hugs and waves and stuff. Maybe I needed this today.

It's been a long week and I was feeling out of sorts. I keep forgetting what it feels like to be whole - to be home. To be loved. It's what I feel when , well, I am in my home ,at the Mount and here at Toby's. They've embedded some kind of homing device in me. I always come back.

Home Sweet Home.

Seal.

There's a guy in my office... Let's call him Seal... Seal got a big promotion.... Genevieve did not. Genevieve thought up a way to deal with distributing the 10$ tickets the theatre said it would sell this season... Seal did not... Genevieve's idea, "20/10" launched this week and was a success... Seal has been taking credit for it all week... I would like to club this Seal. I would like to make a Sealskin coat of this Seal.

I would like to know why I am getting jacked at the this joint AGAIN.

I got so upset after hearing him make it sound like it was his idea in a conversation to the Artistic Director, I had an asthma attack. Now my chest hurts and my heart hurts.

Weeble Wednesday

On Wednesday afternoons, I get the pleasure of leaving the world of Ye Olde and enter the world of elementary school. ( One of my co-workers has dubed all little kids "weebles" and the name has stuck.) I am co-teaching an after school group. It's about 30 kids in grades K - 5th grade. They are all fascinating! They are full of energy and for the most part totally open to playing and acting. The only reticence I sense is from the older kids ( the 4th and 5th graders). It's interesting to see at what point in a child's development the peer pressure kicks in. Fortunately, by the time we really get into what we're doing that day, they forget how cool they are supposed to be and act as silly as every one else.

I was terribly scared to work with this young population. I thought for sure that they wouldn't respond well to me and I would be struggling to maintain. But I was pleasantly suprised by their wholehearted acceptance of me. I am able to teach and play with them and they respond...with no agenda, no prejudice. It's totally the kind of experience I need right now and I am ready for more of the same.

Weebles ROCK!

Sucess at Ye Olde

Last night, a program I proposed was launched. The event was incredibly successful. It was one of the largest audience turn outs for a preview performance here - no mean feat as this was the new space which is twice a large as the old one. almost 700 people under the age of 35 came to see a show and listen to a friend of mine spin in the lobby. It was FAB.





The best part about it was that I made sure it was made known that this was MY project. I didnt want someone taking credit for my work AGAIN. I have been encouraged to send a report to everyone regarding the program. I will do that today as well as do follow up work with the new audience. Even though I have mixed feelings about my job - I have very strong feelings about the theatre itself.





Best moment of the night? When the Artistic Director of Ye Olde came over and gave me a big hug and kiss and said " Good job, honey, this is amazing!". ::sigh::

And for a little added fun...here I am at the event. ( Thanks to Miss Carol for the photo!)

Um...

Crazyman (tm) gave notice. He'll be gone by March...will I?