Oooh, I think I love you…

The nice thing about life is that sometimes you get little suprises. Today I got a package in the mail from a colleauge/friend I had “done lunch” with weeks ago. I totally thought she had forgotten about me. It was just mentioned in passing…my love for David Cassidy. She happens to be friend of his. For realz! She also happened to executive produce one of my favorite all time CD’s “Old Trick New Dog”. Which I was going to order on I-tunes the week we talked about it. She told me she would send me some signed stuff and I laughed… well ha ha on me… I got a package today with a signed photo and a signed CD… I KNOW! Cray to Crayzee! I am spending the rest of my work day in David Cassidy heaven J

Sunday blues

When I was a little kid, I just to just get so sad on Sunday nights... it was back to school and my world of freedom would be over. I don't know how I sort of got over it...maybe I never did.

Tonight, I am sitting at my computer, watching bad TV feeling super sad. I don't want to go back to work. I don't want to be in the world I am in. I don't know what else I am supposed to be doing, but I feel as though what I am doing is not the right thing. I am not in the right job. That I know. I get sad everytime I think about going to work these days. I am not sure how to make this better. It may be affecting how I feel about everything else. I'm depressed.

I am going to try a couple of things to make me feel better. I was too bummed to go to my small group - I wont make that mistake again. I'm not going to hide at home. Nikki's birthday is this week and Im gonna go to her celebration on Tuesday. I skipped my first dance class last week because I had been beaten by work. I will try to make it to this weeks.

I'm looking forward to hanging out with Momo this weekend. I am going to frame some stuff and maybe we'll work on some art together. I have got to get out of this funk...

Find me...

Where do you go when you are lost?

To a map? To a guide? Head North? Or do you pretend like you’re not lost and just keep going until the bottom drops out and someone else tells you you’re lost … or to “get lost”.

I think I’m lost. I don’t know if it’s a huge existential lost or I’m just off track somehow. Nothing I am doing seems right. I don’t hate my job… which is rare – but it doesn’t feel comfortable or even remotely fulfilling. I used to have show to do to supplement the blah of work. I had hoped to be in two shows this year and I didn’t get into either one.

Then today, I got a call from one of theatre’s asking me to swing two roles in the show. Flattering that they think I can do that. Then I realized, they had already offered someone this job. No let me be honest, my friend told me that they had offered it to someone else already. Then I recalled a facebook post that indicated that that particular person was quitting a show. Ta da… and all of a sudden I have a job as second and third banana. I don’t know how I feel about it. Am I happy that I will be able to do something in the coming months (perhaps) that is close to what I like doing? Am I embarrassed that after not wanting me for the role, they offered me the understudy of that role? Maybe a little of both.

Ambivalence, I think is the clearest emotion I can generate. I need to know why I care. Cuz right now, I just couldn’t tell you. I feel lost.

When I feel like this I make poor choices. I shop too much, I eat too much, I pursue things that aren’t good for me at all. I stop desiring the best that the world can offer and take the lowest hanging fruit. I just want to go home and shut it all out. So tonight, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll get up and do it all again tomorrow – and I’m sure it will be better somehow… or I’ll still be lost.

I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood,
I know I could, always be good …
To one who’ll watch over me….

Health Update

Finally got to the doctor and they have added another pill to my repetoire for the blood pressure. ::sigh::
Then the doctor ask " are you having any sinus pain?" "Um why?" " because you have a nasty sinus infection". huh.

that explains the headaches and the vertigo...

I need to lay down.

headed for a breakdown...

I have felt since I got back from the cruise that I was headed for a meltdown. Mourning something, nashing of teeth the whole nine.

I think it's starting. I am writing this to stop it before it turns into a full fledged self loathing fit.

Monday night, I went home after work and laid on the couch, almost comatose and completely unmotivated to do anything.

Tuesday was so hectic with the festival starting, and not having all the info I needed to do things well. I was tired and ready for the day to end. I was headed for one last meeting and I had been sending out emails about the event for the next day. I had my co workers take a look at it before I was to send it. one said - looks fine to me. The other person said " I need to re-write this whole thing. There are things in here that just arent true. I dont want it sent that way." Now normally, this person is super diplomatic, so her aggressive posturing towards me threw me for a loop. All I heard was " YOU SUCK .... YOURE WRONG... YOU CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT" I was put out, and expressed it to my boss.

My boss then started talking about how she had to see any emails that went out and started telling me about how things should go. All I could hear was " SHE WAS RIGHT...YOU SUCK... I DONT TRUST YOU TO DO ANYTHING...I WILL ALWAYS KNOW MORE THAN YOU, BE BETTER THAN YOU...YOU ARE A MASSIVE FAILURE." It was like a massive punch in the gut. Then I had to go to a meeting. Needless to say, by the time I got home I was done done done.

I went out with my sister last night and she started talking about her plans for her life and I realized... I have no plans of my own anymore. I dont have anything at all. My mind kept racing to: YOU ARE A MASSIVE FAILURE. I got home and my head was pounding. I went to lay down and my head started spinning. I was so dizzy, I couldnt even read my bible. I sat up and decided to take my blood pressure. It was 174/154! WTF! I went to bed and hoped that the morning would be better.

Morning came and I could barely get out of bed. I was supposed to get up early and get my car inspected ... but when the alarm went off, I tried to get up... I was too dizzy. I let my office know I would be late and I tried to get up. I took my pressure again 157/121. NO GOOD. I managed to get up and get to work. I helped get the theatre ready and then I took my pressure again. 151/111 - OH HELL NAW! I called the doctor. If I hear from them, I'll be going to the doctor this afternoon. Thing is I have been losing weight and taking my meds regularly... so now what? I'M EVEN A BLOOD PRESSURE FAILURE.

While this looms high on my conciousness... I go about my day to day work, seating kids, sending emails trying to be positive... then the same co-worker who gave me ish yesterday jumps on me about how I spoke to her in front of interns. HOLY CRAP. I started shaking and apologizing. I was devastated. I couldnt believe this. I cant win! I contemplated going to an emergency room this morning and not even coming in. But no, I cared about my job - and my job kicked me in the ass. AMAZING.

Not only did she tell me to never speak like that to her in front of an intern. She essentially told me that I was mean and selfish. The two worst things you could ever call me - besides a liar. I know it's not about me. I know it's about how she was feeling, and the stress she was dealing with... and the big uncertain elephant in the room about how the jobs are changing... and whatever other demons she is dealing with. But I cant know that. All I know is how is feel. So what do I about that? I try so hard not to be disrepectful to people. I try to care. I try to do my best... and it's never enough.

I am trying not to cry again as I write this. I dont know what to do. I know I need a change... I know I need to be lifted up. I know I need to get my blood pressure under control. Right now, all I want is to go home and never come out.

Long time, no blog....

The last time I posted something I was on my way to my cruise. Then I made a personal decision to not blog during the trip. I did journal the whole time and if I feel ambitious, I may post some of it. In the meantime, the highlights were: ...being away from it all for a fabulous week... a 75 minute massage ( ahhhh)... had a cold through most of the trip... delish food and bevvies...the sunshine warm and loving on my skin... the bluest of the blue water... laughing a lot with Momo, all in all a lovely vacay.

Now I am back at the office and all the work has started. And the tired has started.

My back is tense, my cold seems to want to make a reappearance. I am having a little post trip depression, and I am not real interested in anything.

tra la.