headed for a breakdown...

I have felt since I got back from the cruise that I was headed for a meltdown. Mourning something, nashing of teeth the whole nine.

I think it's starting. I am writing this to stop it before it turns into a full fledged self loathing fit.

Monday night, I went home after work and laid on the couch, almost comatose and completely unmotivated to do anything.

Tuesday was so hectic with the festival starting, and not having all the info I needed to do things well. I was tired and ready for the day to end. I was headed for one last meeting and I had been sending out emails about the event for the next day. I had my co workers take a look at it before I was to send it. one said - looks fine to me. The other person said " I need to re-write this whole thing. There are things in here that just arent true. I dont want it sent that way." Now normally, this person is super diplomatic, so her aggressive posturing towards me threw me for a loop. All I heard was " YOU SUCK .... YOURE WRONG... YOU CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT" I was put out, and expressed it to my boss.

My boss then started talking about how she had to see any emails that went out and started telling me about how things should go. All I could hear was " SHE WAS RIGHT...YOU SUCK... I DONT TRUST YOU TO DO ANYTHING...I WILL ALWAYS KNOW MORE THAN YOU, BE BETTER THAN YOU...YOU ARE A MASSIVE FAILURE." It was like a massive punch in the gut. Then I had to go to a meeting. Needless to say, by the time I got home I was done done done.

I went out with my sister last night and she started talking about her plans for her life and I realized... I have no plans of my own anymore. I dont have anything at all. My mind kept racing to: YOU ARE A MASSIVE FAILURE. I got home and my head was pounding. I went to lay down and my head started spinning. I was so dizzy, I couldnt even read my bible. I sat up and decided to take my blood pressure. It was 174/154! WTF! I went to bed and hoped that the morning would be better.

Morning came and I could barely get out of bed. I was supposed to get up early and get my car inspected ... but when the alarm went off, I tried to get up... I was too dizzy. I let my office know I would be late and I tried to get up. I took my pressure again 157/121. NO GOOD. I managed to get up and get to work. I helped get the theatre ready and then I took my pressure again. 151/111 - OH HELL NAW! I called the doctor. If I hear from them, I'll be going to the doctor this afternoon. Thing is I have been losing weight and taking my meds regularly... so now what? I'M EVEN A BLOOD PRESSURE FAILURE.

While this looms high on my conciousness... I go about my day to day work, seating kids, sending emails trying to be positive... then the same co-worker who gave me ish yesterday jumps on me about how I spoke to her in front of interns. HOLY CRAP. I started shaking and apologizing. I was devastated. I couldnt believe this. I cant win! I contemplated going to an emergency room this morning and not even coming in. But no, I cared about my job - and my job kicked me in the ass. AMAZING.

Not only did she tell me to never speak like that to her in front of an intern. She essentially told me that I was mean and selfish. The two worst things you could ever call me - besides a liar. I know it's not about me. I know it's about how she was feeling, and the stress she was dealing with... and the big uncertain elephant in the room about how the jobs are changing... and whatever other demons she is dealing with. But I cant know that. All I know is how is feel. So what do I about that? I try so hard not to be disrepectful to people. I try to care. I try to do my best... and it's never enough.

I am trying not to cry again as I write this. I dont know what to do. I know I need a change... I know I need to be lifted up. I know I need to get my blood pressure under control. Right now, all I want is to go home and never come out.