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Where do you go when you are lost?

To a map? To a guide? Head North? Or do you pretend like you’re not lost and just keep going until the bottom drops out and someone else tells you you’re lost … or to “get lost”.

I think I’m lost. I don’t know if it’s a huge existential lost or I’m just off track somehow. Nothing I am doing seems right. I don’t hate my job… which is rare – but it doesn’t feel comfortable or even remotely fulfilling. I used to have show to do to supplement the blah of work. I had hoped to be in two shows this year and I didn’t get into either one.

Then today, I got a call from one of theatre’s asking me to swing two roles in the show. Flattering that they think I can do that. Then I realized, they had already offered someone this job. No let me be honest, my friend told me that they had offered it to someone else already. Then I recalled a facebook post that indicated that that particular person was quitting a show. Ta da… and all of a sudden I have a job as second and third banana. I don’t know how I feel about it. Am I happy that I will be able to do something in the coming months (perhaps) that is close to what I like doing? Am I embarrassed that after not wanting me for the role, they offered me the understudy of that role? Maybe a little of both.

Ambivalence, I think is the clearest emotion I can generate. I need to know why I care. Cuz right now, I just couldn’t tell you. I feel lost.

When I feel like this I make poor choices. I shop too much, I eat too much, I pursue things that aren’t good for me at all. I stop desiring the best that the world can offer and take the lowest hanging fruit. I just want to go home and shut it all out. So tonight, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll get up and do it all again tomorrow – and I’m sure it will be better somehow… or I’ll still be lost.

I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood,
I know I could, always be good …
To one who’ll watch over me….