Broken - part one - the day job...

That is what I am.

Friends, I dont think I have ever felt more off base than I do right now. My body is certainly reacting to my brokeness in it's usual way. I am battling something akin to a monster cold. The verdict is out on whether it is a virus or an infection, but let me tell you it has been a whopper. I have been so drained and so tired and when I am not sleeping off that feeling, I am coughing up a a lung. It's pretty.

On a deeper level, I know I am sick because I am unhappy. My immune system shuts down when I am stressed, depressed or tired and for the past three months I have been all three at once.

In Janaury, I gave my notice at Ye Olde and with hope in my heart and a fancy new title ahead of me, I lept into the arms of the The Center (tm). At it's heart is a founder and artistic director whom I respect for her work and leadership. I wish that I had met and worked with her two decades ago - I think she was in her prime then. I was too scared to audition for her ( or any one) then. Ten years after that, I did audition and the beginning of my real audition phobias began. When my friends convinced me to audition again and I got the role of "Audrey II" - so many good things happened for me.

I thought that the organization was a place where I could establish a nice little niche and stay for a while. I was half right. The theatre is a nice place for me to get some positive acting experiences and a nice little chunk of change. The organization (meaning any aspect of production or administration or it's not for profit subsidiary) is a soul sucking vortex. People get in there, get comfortable ( I dont know how, but they do) and stay forever... but they are miserable. I dont want to be one of those people. I can see how easy it is to be one of those people.

You dont want to hurt her. You respect and in a way love her. I have learned, the hard way, that her love comes at a high price. To earn her love you must blindly obey even if it is irrational. You must agree even if it skews your moral compass. You must accept that she will turn on you and be mean and awful at one moment and then pretend like she didnt do a thing the next. All of that nutsy kookooness has to be blankly accepted. So parts of you die off and the parts that live are angry, bitter and immune to the hurtfulness.

PS Y'all this is a JOB.... not a relationship, not a marriage, not a family... a JOB... for all of that you must thank her for being underpaid. I TOOK A PAY AND BENEFIT CUT AND AN INCREASE IN CONTRIBUTION TO MY HEALTH INSURANCE for this malarky. Yep. I blew this one.

Now, I could run off to New York like I have done so many times when life in DC seems to stupid for words... but I have committed myself to many things ...projects, communities, relationships... and it just wouldnt be fair to dump them all. For the first time in five years though... it actually sounds like a good idea...which scares me.

The other option is to change day jobs and rearrange " the plan" a little bit. While I think this is the path I will take...it is the harder choice. I dont do hard choices well. I dont change very well and I think this is going to require a big change.

I am pouring all of this out to the universe, not for solutions ( though opinions, commiserations and suggestions are welcome) but to acknowlege that this is happening. I have a problem articulating what "the matter" is. I tend to lump it all into the category of depression and let it stew there... this is where I would usually say " I don't know". The thing is, I DO know. I just need to do something about it.

Broken - part two - grad school

I have to withdraw from one of my classes this semester. I was so stoked that I only had one "book" course this semester. I started out very hopeful that I could keep up with the assignments especially given my new job situation was going to be so flexible.

RELATED JOB TANGENT, FORGIVE ME:When I interviewed for the job, the General Manager indicated that I would be able to work from home one day a week and that my hours would be rather flexible. This gave me hope that I could, on the day I was working from home, devote some time to doing school related work as well. She also indicated that I had an in office schedule that would allow me to have a few hours during the day to work on school work. None of this was true at all. From day one she clamped down so hard on me I still have bear trap marks on my butt.

When the flexibility I had hoped for didnt manifest, I was stymied. I tried to put in a few hours after my commute from Columbia to Emmitsburg - but that just didnt work. I couldnt put in the late hours writing and researching that I had the semester before because I now had to be to work an hour earlier with almost an hours commute. I had to lay down and go to sleep as soon as I got home or my health would suffer ( ha ha). I just couldnt make it work. Assignments were being turned in a week late or not being turned in at all.

Finally, this week, I realized, I would not pass this class. I asked to withdraw or to recieve an incomplete and finish it this summer. I am still waiting to hear what the dean has to say about that.

The thing is, in my program, I am probably the only person who is 100% in the business - morning noon and night. That is my problem and my advantage. I hope that they take that into consideration. Otherwise, I'll be studying for the GRE and applying to new schools.

The level of shame and embarassment that I have about this situation is immense. However, like I said in my previous post - this "confession" is about acknowlging my situation for what it is and moving forward. So that's how school is going...

Broken - part three - my new beau

This will be the shortest of the posts. My new fella is 15 years older than me, I met him through an online ad. He is educated and old school ( opens doors, pays for things, has some southern gentleman ways about him). He thinks I'm beautiful and interesting and wants to wine and dine me and show me off. He's a grown man who has been married before, has two grown children - I can't imagine he is looking to start a new family ( which is okay, I dont know that I am the family type). I believe he is fond of me. I know he desires me. I dont know that he loves me.

All of it sounds quite nice, yes? And yet, this is the not the kind of relationship I should have. I dont think that he will ever come church with me. ( and if I am being honest, to be with him, I have missed a couple of weekend services - but that is a WHOLE other post) I am sure I could introduce him to my friends and he says he would like that - but I dont think that my friends will see what I see. Or maybe my friends will see what I dont want them to see. It's complex and it's a compromise.

When I am with him, it feels right...when I come home, I dont know. That's about all I have to say on this for now.

Broken - part four - me and God

This is the big Broken.

I haven't opened a Bible in months.

I haven't prayed.

The last time I was near the church was for an audition for a show at the church.

I am disconnected, disillusioned and disheartened.

I believe that everything else that is broken is because I have put God on mute.

I don't know when I got too busy for Him, too scared of Him, too needy for the things of this world to cling to Him - but I have.

I am completely Broken.

I have messed up my life on the inside. On the outside, it just looks hectic and over committed. But it's over committed so I dont have time to deal with what's broken on the inside.

I have been too ashamed to reach out to my pastorfriend (tm) or pastor mark... or the beautiful community I built just a year ago.

I am completely Broken.

I state this only as a battlecry. Not as a litany of complaints, nor as a laundry list of things that people can save me from. I am not the person I have been. Please dont read this and think you can rescue me. You can not. You may not know this, but I do - EVERYONE'S life has broken spots. I just happen to be secure enough in my brokeness to list them out. Believe me, this isnt all of them - not nearly all of them.

I do not know what the next steps are... I only know that they are my own, it's my road... the broken road.

dropping like files...

So am working on a show up at the Mount and it doesnt look good at the moment. I've been getting a rough vibe on this one from the get go. So far of the 18 people I cast, I have lost 5. None of the principals, so far...

The rehearsals have been rough and the kids are lukewarm about it. The music doesnt sound right and there is no one doing the production management. I definately am not being paid enough to coordinate every aspect of this show.

I just had someone drop out becasue they wanted to go to the Senior Prom. For real? The SENIOR PROM - Like this was high school. I dont know why I picked up this gig. I have no support and I am not having any fun with it.

Interestingly enough, I am not having any fun doing much of anything right now.

I know, I know life isnt all about fun... but I will say this, I liked it better when I was an actress.