That is what I am.
Friends, I dont think I have ever felt more off base than I do right now. My body is certainly reacting to my brokeness in it's usual way. I am battling something akin to a monster cold. The verdict is out on whether it is a virus or an infection, but let me tell you it has been a whopper. I have been so drained and so tired and when I am not sleeping off that feeling, I am coughing up a a lung. It's pretty.
On a deeper level, I know I am sick because I am unhappy. My immune system shuts down when I am stressed, depressed or tired and for the past three months I have been all three at once.
In Janaury, I gave my notice at Ye Olde and with hope in my heart and a fancy new title ahead of me, I lept into the arms of the The Center (tm). At it's heart is a founder and artistic director whom I respect for her work and leadership. I wish that I had met and worked with her two decades ago - I think she was in her prime then. I was too scared to audition for her ( or any one) then. Ten years after that, I did audition and the beginning of my real audition phobias began. When my friends convinced me to audition again and I got the role of "Audrey II" - so many good things happened for me.
I thought that the organization was a place where I could establish a nice little niche and stay for a while. I was half right. The theatre is a nice place for me to get some positive acting experiences and a nice little chunk of change. The organization (meaning any aspect of production or administration or it's not for profit subsidiary) is a soul sucking vortex. People get in there, get comfortable ( I dont know how, but they do) and stay forever... but they are miserable. I dont want to be one of those people. I can see how easy it is to be one of those people.
You dont want to hurt her. You respect and in a way love her. I have learned, the hard way, that her love comes at a high price. To earn her love you must blindly obey even if it is irrational. You must agree even if it skews your moral compass. You must accept that she will turn on you and be mean and awful at one moment and then pretend like she didnt do a thing the next. All of that nutsy kookooness has to be blankly accepted. So parts of you die off and the parts that live are angry, bitter and immune to the hurtfulness.
PS Y'all this is a JOB.... not a relationship, not a marriage, not a family... a JOB... for all of that you must thank her for being underpaid. I TOOK A PAY AND BENEFIT CUT AND AN INCREASE IN CONTRIBUTION TO MY HEALTH INSURANCE for this malarky. Yep. I blew this one.
Now, I could run off to New York like I have done so many times when life in DC seems to stupid for words... but I have committed myself to many things ...projects, communities, relationships... and it just wouldnt be fair to dump them all. For the first time in five years though... it actually sounds like a good idea...which scares me.
The other option is to change day jobs and rearrange " the plan" a little bit. While I think this is the path I will take...it is the harder choice. I dont do hard choices well. I dont change very well and I think this is going to require a big change.
I am pouring all of this out to the universe, not for solutions ( though opinions, commiserations and suggestions are welcome) but to acknowlege that this is happening. I have a problem articulating what "the matter" is. I tend to lump it all into the category of depression and let it stew there... this is where I would usually say " I don't know". The thing is, I DO know. I just need to do something about it.
2 comments:
No answers, just a kindred spirit understanding a bit of what you are going through.
for me it was my six years at the CT. i felt blessed to be working at a theatre with a person who was giving me (what i felt at the time) a chance and a reason to live.
neither of us lived up to our end of the deal. i sunk to depths i hadn't experienced before. getting "let go" was a heart-wrenching benefit.
you are a wonderful person with a beautiful soul. Let 08 be your year of changed. that has been my mantra and i'm about to embark on an incredible journey in memphis. i don't know what the future holds, but i know that it's in mine and gods' hands and with that, i'll be okay.
i <3 you so much. you shall shine.
I'm sorry you're having such difficult times across the board.
Here is a quote that has helped me through some dark days:
"I have always believed the divine loves us best at the broken times."
- Rev Bem, in "Andromeda"
Sometimes we need to be broken so that God can flow in through the fissures.
I'll be praying for you.
You’re an extraordinary person. I applaud your honesty and self-knowledge. I know you will find your way through this broken time into a brighter future.
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