On being alive...

The thing is, it shouldn’t take the death of one of your peers to remind you that you should be a better steward of yourself. But…

Last night, I found out that a man younger than myself, a mainstay in the Washington theater community collapsed and died. Last night. This guy had potential, he was very heavy though and didn’t get cast because of that.

I have been struggling with back pain all this week and I turned my ankle on Wednesday and have been hobbling around all week. I know that the reason that my back messed up again is because I ate my way through my mom’s surgery. I was worried and sad and bored and stressed… so I ate and ate and ate- as though her convalescence was some kind of holiday from self control.

I’m so messed up y’all. I know there has to be a better way… I just haven’t found it yet. I am still doing weight watchers and I am back on the wagon. I suppose that is something. I just don’t know what else I can do to get my mind right about this. It’s an addiction, clearly. I abuse food.

But I am alive, praise God. Every day that I wake up is another day to get it right. In church they asked us if there was anything that we were believing in God for – something so large and audacious that I could not do it without Him.

I think this might be it.

Falling off, jumping back on...

Today is another day.

I have sucessfully put back on the weight I lost during my time at weight watchers. It took two weeks. It took me months to take it off and TWO WEEKS to put it back on. Stupid.

Now my back hurts and I twisted my ankle and I am just miserable about this.

I'm back on the wagon now - but it's really really hard.

I have to admit how I actually feeling instead of smoothing it over with food. Dag nabbit.

Right now, Im bored ... and anxious... and hungry ( but it's almost lunch time and I built a gorgeous salad for lunch)

Back on the wagon, back on the wagon, back on the wagon.

Hanging around thinking about life...

Some of the questions I hate:

What you would do if you knew you could not fail?

What would you do for free?What makes you cry?

What makes you angry?

These are the kinds of things people ask you at job interviews, therapy sessions and counseling sessions. LOL.

If life were simple, there would be something that answered all of these questions. Then, somehow, magically, I would have the answer of what to do with my life.

What would I do if I knew I could not fail? Write novels, sing on Broadway, tell the person I love how much I love him. Pray out loud. Be a preacher. Be an elementary school teacher. Be a college professor, direct musicals.

What would I do for free? Most of the things above. However, the world charges money for things…so I need a job.

What makes me cry? Betrayal. Rejection. Shame. Injustice. Poverty. War.

On a less grand scale – the plight of urban young people… it’s painful to see how much some people have and how reluctant they are to share and show God’s love in action. In return, it is painful to see young people who have given up on life because they think no one gives a damn about them.

What makes me angry – see above.

I am angry that five years out there are people still living in FEMA trailers in NOLA – that if they were of a different ethnicity or economic strata they would have homes by now… but because those in power (on both sides of the aisle) ignore those who “don’t matter” they continue to sink deeper and deeper into the third world in the middle of the first world.

And if you think that’s not true… take a look at Haiti – six months out ….going into hurricane season… and they are living in squalor in tent cities.

How do I turn all of that into a life calling? How do I take care of myself and the world…?

Times Like These...

My mom is having surgery tomorrow. She will have a procedure that will change her life for the better. She is excited and hopeful that she will be more mobile and more comfortable than she has been in more than a decade. I am hopeful for her.

I am also scared. She’s my mom. She’s not as strong as she should be… neither am I, truth be told. I don’t know if I can handle it if something happened to her. Anything can happen, ya know? She has been the grown up in my life, my whole life. I can’t lose her – I’m not ready. But just in case, I have to be ready that something could go wrong. I mean, my dad was going in for a procedure and he never came home. He was much sicker than my mom… but she misses him so much. I am afraid that she will go to be with him.

She’s so awesome. I mean, she is smart and funny and can cooooook! Her talented hands have lovingly created everything from Halloween costumes to nursing scrubs. She has shown me what devotion really means. If I ever get lucky enough to have a partner in the life, I hope to be loved and cared for as much as she loves her husband and children. When her husband passed away, she mourned, naturally, but she also lost 174 pounds and found a away to control her emotional eating and got a grip on her own health. She has been the caregiver to so many… and now she needs care.

So, at times like these, I have to lift it all up to God.
None of this is up to me.
None of this is going to go according to my plan.
It’s not my doing.
I have to leave it to the Lord.

Prisoner of Guilt

I find myself always looking behind me. I am always worried about other people's response to what I do. I know part of that is because I have been known not to work at full potential. I know now that some of that is due to my ADHD. Some of it is due to depression. Most of it is due to self doubt and fear.

Since I have spent the better part of a lifetime doing what I believe is "sub par" everything, when people call me on it I feel like the whole world has crashed down on me. I am ashamed and afraid that I will never get better.

So, any time there is the possibility that someone is reporting on me or I have to have a review or something - I get scared. I feel guilty. Even if I am doing the best I can. I feel like eventually someone will find out that I am a total fraud.

I am a prisoner. When will I be parolled?