Being Alive, Being Alone.

I’ve not yet found a way to be alright with being alone. I don’t mean not having any friends or anything like that. I mean not having a partner in life. Not having sex, not having a home base, not having that thing that society tells you that you should have.

I have spent a lot of time pursuing this “thing”. It has caused me heartache and loss of sleep and weight gain and all the finer things in life. It also has caused me to doubt my worth as a human being. It has caused me to compromise in my relationships, in ALL of my relationships. I find myself accepting crap from friends and lovers.

I don’t want to get the short end of the stick anymore. I don’t want second best. I don’t want to be surrounded by desperation and craziness and drama. I don’t want it, I don’t need it and I don’t deserve it.

No don’t cry for me Argentina, I am not soliciting advice or pity. Please don’t consider this a cry for help or an indication of anything of anything regarding anything specific. I am just stating what is on my mind, so that I can move on with the rest of my day.

I am sure that God has a plan for me. I am thankful for the journey. That’s what will carry me. I’m blessed. I just have work to do.

ELEVEN NAMES

1. YOUR name: Genna

2. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & street you grew up on )Anissia Nally

3. YOUR "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your middle name) G-Ann

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)Purple Cat

5.YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)Anne Washington

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of mom's maiden name)Willgre

7. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, favorite drink) The Purple Seabreeze

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first name of your grandfathers) James Shelton

9. FUTURISTIC NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne and the name of your favorite kind of shoes) Wish Slippers

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother & father's middle name )Therese Alexander

11.PORN STAR NAME: (middle name, first car you owned) Anne Nova

11/17 Arts Conference

I just sat through the first session of the Arts Marketing Conference I came to NYC for. I am totally engaged and excited by the ideas being presented. There are so many resources out there! The information is available to those who want to learn. And those who want to learn will always be the leader.

I also feel justified that I am right on track in what I an concentrating on at work. the " new media" initiative is totally the right thing to do. Wisely implementing these new products and ideas into our current marketing and engagement strategies is the key to being the on the cutting edge. it's what will make Ye Olde the gold standard.

I see the future here. Now I need some credentials to make it happen. I need to be truly empowered to make change. I guess I better look into the blasted MBA or Arts Management degree.

11/16 Fancy Phone.

So I stepped up my technology game and bought a smart phone. For those of you who dont know - a smart phone is a cell phone, pda and pcoket pc all in one. FAAAAAANCY. Too Fancy. I can't get it to work. Isn't that awesome? I'm on a business trip and cant reach anyone. PLUS, because I thought I my fancyphone was going to be working, I didnt charge my old phone. So here I sit, disengaged from the world - with way too much technology in my bag.

Greetings from Ye Olde

So… am I reading a book called The Sociopath Next Door. It’s a fascinating read, really since uh; it looks like I may work for at least one.

I was told today that the department head ( sociopath ) thinks I may have time management issues. This stems from the fact that I was hospitalized and then was at home recuperating and things at the office didn’t get done. Oh, no wait…they did get done… from my home!

My boss believes that because the department head comes to me and just plonks new assignments on my desk and thinks that his jobs are more important than anyone else’s is the cause of this “ concern”. For the first time, I feel like my boss actually has my back. Which is a blessing since I really feel all alone here a lot of the time.

I know I am not alone, truly – that I am lifted when I cannot go on… I know that God is watching over me and wants the best for me. For some reason, this is where I need to be. I tell you though, it’s real frustrating to be told that someone who comes in four days a week from 11 – 3 thinks I have time management issues.

Ah me. I will lift it up to the Lord, hope for some clarity and get ready for my web seminar on “ The Digital School: marketing trends” Tra la…the glamour.

Getting caught up in myself.

I spent the weekend very caught up in my own thoughts and my own fears. I worried too much and prayed too little. I went to sleep last night after reading a few pages of Joyce Meyer's latest book The Confident Woman. Something must have clicked in my subconcious because I woke up really peaceful - and early! I finished reading the section on unreasonable fear and she used an example of a woman whose worry and actions dealing with her husband almost caused the breakup of her marriage. When she offered the whole situation to God for some clarity - she realized that her feelings had more to do with the fact that her father left her mother then the behavior of her husband.

I found some revelation in this. My fear about how my relationship with TBND was progressing ( or not progressing) had little to do with TBND himself ( although, if the brotha doesnt learn how to call a person I may go crazy on 'im) but with my previous, painful experience with "Harry Potter".

This morning, I will simply pray about our realtionship and let God take care of it. I can only do what I can do. Worry is a tool of the enemy - desire to be in control all the time is a tool of the enemy. I can do better than that.

It's a good morning!

Use your words.

I am having some troubling figuring out how to say how I feel right now. I am clearly dealing with a depression, but I don't know what the source is. Perhaps it is cumulative. With the anniversary of Dad's passing last week, disapointment at the end of the week and a difficult rehearsal today - i just dont know what to blame.

I've talked about the whole anniversary thing. It's something I have to learn to live with.

In the middle of the week, I had a really pleasant suprise. The boy next door ( from now on known as TBND ) stopped by my house and we talked for a couple of hours in his car. We even shared a couple of sweet kisses. We made a date for Friday night and I was on cloud nine!

He called me on Friday morning and we talked about Friday night. Then... he stood me up. No call, no nothing. I dont know what happened. I havent been able to get in touch with him.

It was "Harry Potter" all over again. My british boyfriend worked all the time and when we talked he talked about all these plans he had for me and how he didnt want to work so much...and yet he did. And that would be why we arent together.

Is it happening all over again? I really thought I had done this differently. I mean, I didnt initiate this relationship and I didnt push it. Unfortunately, I always feel like I have done something when something like this happens.

I've been very very sad about it for two days now. Ive been eating horribly and sleeping a lot.

Then I went to rehearsal down at the Suz. That was a mistake. I ended up getting emotional about a choice the director made. The director, a laywer by trade, thought he could talk me into agreeing with him. That didnt happen. Then he admitted that employed a tactic that I find deplorable in directing - manipulation of the actor's emotions. It tapped into something and triggered more saddness in me.

I have to find a way get through stuff like this.

Thinking about best life practices.

I am contemplating a personal revolution. Taking stock of what I put into my body and how I use the gifts I have been given. I think tomorrow is the day I join Curves. I would like to slow eliminate the processed food out of my diet. I need a couple more years and I wont get them living the way I am living.

I also need to make a concerted effort to eliminate unessesary stress. Part of that is me taking the time to decide what I want and how to go about getting it. Ive been just doing what is available and obvious instead of what will propel me further to the purpose God has for me.

Angry Emotional Rant.

I don't think that anyone at Ye Olde has any right to tell me what to do on my own time. I don't think that putting something in the worker handbook about " outside projects" is appropriate. I am angry that it was my department head who said anything about it.

I'm angry that they pay me less than half of what I am worth and expect me to not do anything else to satisfy my soul. I am very angry. I want to yell and scream and tell people off.

I know that is not the right thing to do. I also feel like quitting right now.

I know some of this is the day and the stress of supressing my emotions. I just dont like the fact that my boss feels the need to control every aspect of my life. This man talks about my weight and my clothes and my race and my lifestyle. He presses me for information about my mother and tells me what to do with my life every day.

I politely listen and quietly pray for guidance and for him. I guess that is all I can do, besides quit.

I need to breath. I need a break. I need some lunch. I can't believe this day is only half over.

hard day.

Today is the one year anniversary of my Dad's death. I am having a hard time concentrating - depression I suppose. I sort of wish I was curled up in bed reading and watching bad TV. Which is what my Mom and sister are doing. I really feel like I should be there. I will probably go home early today.

I miss you Dad.

Putting it Together.

I have taken on the role of Assistant Director for the next show at The Suz. It's a funny thing, being AD. It depends on the Director, but the AD can be a nothing job or a huge one. I think this is going to be kind of big. This director has some aggression ( or lack there of) issues. He knows what he wants and he hopes that his actors know too. He tip toes around the heart of the matters and leaves a lot for the actors to find on thier own. Dinner theatre actors ( and this is a BROAD generalization) dont act well when left to thier own devices. Since they are mostly musical types - they only need to act to get from scene to scene.

That poses a problem when you are doing a murder mystery. It will be an interesting challenge to bring out the actor in some of these schmactors. As well as helping the director rise to the challenge. But that's my job... taking it all to the next level.

Walk this way.

I forgot to tell ya’ll about the Diabetes walk this past weekend. ( I say this as I chomp on Tootsie Rolls – I know, I’m stupid)

I am so proud of myself; I actually signed up, raised money and walked in the DC America’s Walk for Diabetes. It was 3miles around the Capitol and back. The day was sunny and cold. Perfect walking weather – not hot enough to get super sweaty and gross, but not cold enough to feel miserable outside. It was so easy to get to and so easy to do.

The local news guy Jim Handley was the MC and the opening to the walk was very moving. They handed out these bandanas that said “Every 21 seconds someone is diagnosed with Diabetes”. He asked everyone who had Diabetes to raise theirs. Then everyone who had someone in their family, then everyone who knew someone… the whole crowd waved the bandanas. I cried. I thought of my Dad.

God was smiling on us though, and as usual, he turned my mourning to dancing – or rather walking as my friend and I trekked up Capitol Hill and back down. I love that part of town. It was quiet and lovely. As we neared the end of the walk I started to feel the burn – but I also felt all warm inside for doing the walk.

I raised a little over 1,000 dollars from my generous friends and co workers! Totally amazing !!!

I feel very very blessed. It was a good way to start my weekend.

Yikes.

I absorb the feelings of the people around me. I tend to feel things a little stronger than other people. Oversenstive. Touchy. That's me.

There was news today at Ye Olde that someone who just got here is leaving. She is real bright and energetic - a go getter. She went and go got herself another job that pays three times what she makes here. Which was probably twice what I make now.

This leaves me in a confused place. I feel like I am doing good work, but I know I am being undercompensated for it. I get so nervous at the thought of asking to be really be paid what I am worth, that I backslide into feelings of doubt and self deprecation. It's an ugly thing.

That's how I feel right now. I want to be appreciated. I want to be paid what I am worth. Everytime someone leaves I think "That should be me... I should have the guts to make a move...make more money... be thought of as a worthy contributor to the world at large". Then I get scared. I am afraid of my boss. I am afraid of his wrath. I am afraid of his temper and his scathing commentary. So, I dont ask. I just it and feel bad about myself.

At least I am not crying. I am writing on my blog...getting the feelings out and setting them free. I know it isnt time yet for a big move. The right opportunity will manifest when it is time.

So for right now... I watch the other birds fly....