Use your words.

I am having some troubling figuring out how to say how I feel right now. I am clearly dealing with a depression, but I don't know what the source is. Perhaps it is cumulative. With the anniversary of Dad's passing last week, disapointment at the end of the week and a difficult rehearsal today - i just dont know what to blame.

I've talked about the whole anniversary thing. It's something I have to learn to live with.

In the middle of the week, I had a really pleasant suprise. The boy next door ( from now on known as TBND ) stopped by my house and we talked for a couple of hours in his car. We even shared a couple of sweet kisses. We made a date for Friday night and I was on cloud nine!

He called me on Friday morning and we talked about Friday night. Then... he stood me up. No call, no nothing. I dont know what happened. I havent been able to get in touch with him.

It was "Harry Potter" all over again. My british boyfriend worked all the time and when we talked he talked about all these plans he had for me and how he didnt want to work so much...and yet he did. And that would be why we arent together.

Is it happening all over again? I really thought I had done this differently. I mean, I didnt initiate this relationship and I didnt push it. Unfortunately, I always feel like I have done something when something like this happens.

I've been very very sad about it for two days now. Ive been eating horribly and sleeping a lot.

Then I went to rehearsal down at the Suz. That was a mistake. I ended up getting emotional about a choice the director made. The director, a laywer by trade, thought he could talk me into agreeing with him. That didnt happen. Then he admitted that employed a tactic that I find deplorable in directing - manipulation of the actor's emotions. It tapped into something and triggered more saddness in me.

I have to find a way get through stuff like this.