Come on!

Sometimes you have to share pictures...

This is TOTALLY one of those times. My friend Ryan's picture on Myspace made me so happy I have to share it.

The puppy's name is Byron - BTW.

Have a great day ya'll...

Quiet and alone.

I am posting this blog entry from my bed in my pajamas. The TV is off, nobody is home. For the first time in a long time I am alone. I'm not in transit. I'm not late for something. I'm not surrounded by people ( I love or not so much). I have things to do, of course - but not right now. I've spent a little time with my bible. I've spent a little time with my computer. And now I am going to turn it off and just listen to the quiet. Listen to what God has to say for a change.

Happy.

Finished!

I finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows tonight at the theatre. The book was kind of slow to start and very dark. I didn't think I was going to like it. I am not one to read a lot of witches, wizards, fantasy stuff. Harry is such a likeable character - I have been sympathetic to him through six books and wanted to know how everything would turn out for him. In the end, I was not dissapointed. That, of course, is all I will say about the content of the book.

I started reading the "Harry" books when I was working for the producers of RENT. Scholastic ( the American publishers of the books) has sent one of the producers some of the series. They were thinking of producing a live action show version of them. This was before the movies came out or people were really even talking about them. The first two books has just come out in the UK and Scholastic was launching the books here.

I read a LOT. I always have. When I was answering phones for the RENT guys, this one producer was fascinated by the volume and variety of what I was reading. I always had a magazine or two on the desk and anything that came in for them (The NY Times, Variety, Billboard) I read first. So he would always ask me what I was reading. He plunked the first HP book on my desk and said " Tell me what you think of this" I read it in one night, came back to him and said " are there more of those? that was totally engaging and fun." He had one more and he told me why he had them. I told him to take the option. There was money to be made in these books.

Now, this was almost ten years ago and I don't know whether he invested or not. I hope he did. These books have been a fantastic ride. I think for many many years to come people will find hours of reading pleasure with our friends Harry, Ron, Hermione and Hagrid. I thank Ms. Rowling for the hours of fun I have had.

On to the next book!

It's going to take some time this time...

It's going to take some time this time
No matter what I've planned
But like the young trees in the wintertime
I'll learn how to bend...

- It's Going to Take Some Time , The Carpenters

So, in the spirit of being brave (sort of), I sent an email to someone I "fancy". I just thought he should know I was interested since when we are together, I certainly dont give an indication that I think he's special. I couldn't possibly. I am so ridiculously shy when it comes to most things. Putting myself out there scares me.

Ive been rejected a lot in my life. You get really tired of hearing "no", so you stop asking. You settle. I am trying to stand up for myself more - put my desires and needs on the table. So, I sent an email that said basically "Hey, I'm really shy, but I think you're neat - wanna have coffee or something?"

He replied and asked for a raincheck. He's on a deadline and he's way behind. I don't know if that is good or bad. But I know it isnt a NO. He's a really good guy, so I think he is worth waiting on a raincheck. I am not going to try to strong arm him or anything. I have prayed about this - I asked God before I even sat down to send the email. I am leaving the rest up to God and this fella. It's going to take some time, this time...

Hairspray

I saw the movie Hairspray today between shows. It was so much fun! I was skeptical, since I was a huge fan of the original film and I really enjoyed the musical ( and still hope to be in it someday). I wasnt sure that another movie was nessecary. I was wrong. This little confection was terrific. It gave some shout outs to the original film and took much of the musical and combined them into a joyful event.

I would say that my favorites were John Travolta, who gives a suprisingly vulnerable performance as Edna Turnblad and of course, Nikki Blonski who tears it up as the effervesent Tracy Turnblad. Tracy has more depth in this film than in the original or the musical. Her character actually has an arc. You're not just happy for her at the end of the film, you're proud of her.

I loved it. Go see it, you won't be dissapointed.

You can't stop the beat...

Huh.

I got the title change. What does that mean? Why do I feel obligated to the organization now? What is the lesson I am supposed to be learning here and how long will it take to learn it (isnt 4 years enough - you can get a degree in that time!)?

Confused.

Update on Brave or Stupid

Don't quite know what is in the air, but LeftBrain (tm) has taken up the cause of my title change ( almost four years after he brought it up in the first place). He has contacted ElDiablo (tm) and given him all the reasons why the title should be changed.

Naturally, CrazyMan (tm) opposed this change, stating that I would stop doing my job if my title didnt say it. What he doesnt understand is that I will stop doing EVERYTHING else they ask me to do if I dont get the change. Tra la.

The truth about my own strength...

I recieve the daily devotional from Pastor Joel Osteen at Lakewood Church in Houston, TX. Today's email really convicted me. I want to share it with all of you.

I am blessed to be surrounded by many wonderful and strong people. Sometimes we're a little too strong. We struggle with things that we dont have to. we carry the weight of the world and it isnt ours to carry. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded of that.

Today's Scripture
“They did not conquer by their own strength and skill, but by your mighty power and because you smiled upon them and favored them” Psalm 44:3 (TLB).

Today's Word from Joel and Victoria
Do you need God's strength to conquer something in your life today? Maybe you need strength on your job, or to overcome an addiction. Maybe you need strength to deal with a difficult person in the office. No matter what you may be facing, God desires to give you His supernatural strength in every situation. It's interesting that in this verse that it says, "because God smiled upon them and favored them." Did you know that simply calling on God causes Him to smile on you? Because you are His child, you have His favor! God loves to show Himself strong on your behalf. When you open your heart to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you for doing things your own way, He will forgive you! Best of all, God chooses to forget your past mistakes! It doesn’t matter what happened yesterday, today is a new day. Don't let the enemy's lies keep you powerless. Be strong in the Lord knowing that He is with you, smiling upon you and showering you with His favor. As you meditate on this promise, you will be strengthened to overcome every obstacle, and you will live a life of victory!

A Prayer for Today
God, thank you for smiling on me today. I ask that you show me your favor so that I can walk in your strength today. Thank you for equipping me with everything I need to live as an overcomer. I bless you and choose to honor you in everything I do. In Jesus’ Name. Amen

In the woods between Wilmington and Aberdeen.

That is where I spent about 3 and half hours today.

After having yummy pancakes with strawberries and watching SoapNet with my girl MoMo, I set off for my train trek home from NYC. I was totally making fantastic time, I got out of the cab at Penn Station, ran into the Borders and picked up Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows and pickd up a my ticket from the QuickTrak machine. I went downstairs to the place I always wait for the train announcement and waited a whole 2 minutes! I hopped on the train, put on my eye pod, opened up my bottle of seltzer and immediately got sleepy.

I napped for a little bit ( I didnt want to fall totally asleep - a really cute guy sat next to me and didnt want him to hear me SNORE - LOL - I'm so vain).When he got off the train at the Newark Airport stop, all bets were off! I feel asleep and was awaken by a really loud announcement from the conductor.

" We're gonna be stopped here for a few minutes, we have to replace a part We have the part on board, it should only be a few minutes." I had a bad feeling about that. 15 minutes later, he came on and said that the problem was more serious than they thought and we would be here a little longer. Uh oh. I called the SM at Toby's and gave her the heads up. I told her I would call her in a half hour. When I called her for the THIRD time and told her we still hadnt heard anything, she called my undertsudy and my understudies understudy. I wasnt going on tonight. I didnt even know if I would be back in DC that night.

I started to get a little panicky - it was hot on the train and all the people around me were getting on my nerves. I like to be left alone when I travel.

We ended up being loaded on to other trains ( I couldnt get on a new train until the last train came - it was an empty train and all of us who were supposed to get off in DC ended up on that one.)

I was supposed to be in DC at 5:20pm. I got there at 10:20pm. I drove home and petted my sisters cat, had some baked ziti ( yum) and went to bed. No Lil Shop for me.

Even with this HUGE pain in the butt experience, I wouldnt have missed Saturday for the world. I still have warm fuzzies thinking about it.

But oooooh does AMTRAK owe me! I am so writing a letter!

Restoring my faith in love.

I wasn’t in a very cynical mood about love or family to start with. I love my family and I love love. I want to have that special relationship in my life. I had just put that kind of thing on the mental backburner. I have been struggling with some depression issues for the past couple of weeks. I have a handle on it now, but that is why you haven’t heard much from me. I really didn’t feel like being a big whiny baby and complaining about things that none of you could do anything about.

I took it to God and He is working in His own way and His own time on it. Okay, that being said, I was also dealing with some performance anxiety. I had been asked by some dear dear friends to sing at their ceremony. I was flattered and scared!

As it got closer, the logistics of actually doing the songs became pretty complicated. I was worried I wouldn’t even have music for the event. That all worked out, I picked a couple of songs that had pre-recorded tracks available and I sang them. Apparently pretty good, people were very kind and said nice things to me afterwards.

Which brings me to the restoration.

When they spoke their vows of support, fidelity, love and respect, I believed them. My heart was filled with love for them and for the possibility that each person on earth could find someone to share the road with. These two people love each other. They have made each other better people. I have watched them grow in stellar human beings. They are gentle and kind and sweet. Their lives together are exactly what I want in a partnership, from a marriage.

I felt blessed and very honored to be a part of this event. It was a wonderful day. I was surrounded by love and family and just pure joy. I danced and ate cake and cried. It was everything a wedding should be.

Marty and Barry Brown-Marr, est 7/21/07

Brave or Stupid

I just spent the better part of an hour composing an email that will probably bring the rath of LeftBrain (tm) down on me.

A couple of people in my department recieved promotions. I was told months ago that these were titular only and that nothing would change. Day before yesterday, those people who recieved those "inconsequential" title changes were told that they should start attending the weekly managemnt meeting. I suppose that is titularly based as well.

Frankly, I think it stinks. I think that one of them does less work than me. Has brought NOTHING new to the table -while I am doing four jobs ( one of which is HIS). I just wanted to have my title changed. I have asked for it for several years now. It's been promised to me since I got there. And has it happened? Nope.

So I spent an hour expressing my displeasure and confusion. And I think I feel better. I have put it out there. I feel shortchanged and I let someone know.

I also feel like crying. Again. Now, like a battered spouse, I am afraid that my boss is going to be mad at me - like he was mad at me for taking a mental health day last friday. I am afraid he is going to be verbally and emotionally abusive to me in retailiation for me speaking my mind. Like he has been for for the past three and half years.

Pray for me people. I'm not wrong to speak up. Why does it feel that way?

It was wrong, It mattered and I release you.

I have been trying to finish reading John Eldredge's Wild at Heart. It's a tough book to read for me. Though it is geared toward the lives of men, it has tapped into some of my issues. How interesting that this book that I bought last year and kept putting aside had inside of it one of major issues in my life. Eldredge talks about how men constantly struggle with the concept of being un- authentic ( is that a word?) -of being found a fraud.

His theory is that it comes from a rejection in early life or a lack of support for your identity (he speaks of the constraints placed on being a male). It totally applies to the way I was brought up.

I was told that I was being silly. That I didn't feel the way I felt. I recieved the message that what I thought and felt didn't matter and I have had to come out from under it my whole life.

I'm on the part of the book that talks about forgiveness, forgiving the people who undermined my development. Showing forgivness to people who hurt me, and forgiving myself for the things that I do. I think that forgivness is the most of difficult thing for me to handle. I have never been able to truly let things go. I hold grudges. I am often angry and unable to express it. I want to control the world around me and when I cant, I want to step out of the world completely.

I have a list of situations I probably need to go back into and pray for forgivness and offer it in return. The title of this post is a quote from Wild at Heart. A personal goal of mine is to use that phrase to try to heal that part of my life. The middle part of that statment "It mattered" is the most difficult. There are many times that I dont think I matter. That my existance is a burden. I try not to get too involved in peoples lives so I dont get in the way. When I say how I feel and it makes people upset, I am embarassed and think it would have been better for me not to be here at all. Intellectually, I understand that I matter. Emotionally, I have allowed the Enemy to convince me that I dont. In turn, I have allowed people to hurt me and I have stuffed the hurt way down deep. I know it is time to let it out and let it go. It's a struggle I feel compelled to share. I think that putting it out in public, may assist me in addressing it.

Perhaps the reason why this book is so difficult to read is that God is telling me the truth in it. I am always trying to be a better person. I hope that I can make changes I need to.

Laundry

Okay. I have a confession to make.

I don't ever make my bed.

I do everything I can NOT to take out the trash.

and most aggregious of my bad housekeeping sins... I wait till the very last second to do my laundry. I mean... hours before a trip...half hour before I am supposed to leave the house. I just dont do it.

and I dont know why.

When I lived away at college, I would save it all up and drive home and do it. My mom stopped doing my laundry a long time before that. My excuse was it was so far from my dorm and I never had any money.

When I lived in New York - the laundromat was at the bottom of a long hill and I lived in a four floor walk up. It was weight training on a grand scale. I would wait until the very last second ( aka: I was out of underware) then I would either buy some more ( yes, I did indeed buy more drawers instead of doing laundry) or cry and drag pounds and pounds of laundry down and catch a cab back up the hill.

Pathetic? yes. I know.

I tell you all of this to say I have been doing my laundry for two days now. I have done 9 loads and I proably have two or three more to do. Plus - dry cleaning ( add two more loads). REE DIC U LOUS!!!

But, there are lots and lots of clean clothes around and that makes me happy! ( and cute - cuz my cute clothes are clean)

Feeling loved

Last night, I got to the theatre and one of my colleagues said " I have a suprise for you, but I cant give it to you yet." Later, a few of my cast mates gathered round and I opened two bags. They had made tee shirts for me with "Voice of Audrey II" on them! They thought I should have them for curtain call. I was sooooo touched. It's so great to feel loved and appreciated when I go to work. A marked difference from what happens in the day time.

I am feeling optimistic though, I feel as though a break through is right around the corner. Perhaps I'm crazy from the heat... or perhaps my time has come :)

Ease on down...

I just got off the phone with the Artistic Director of Expansion Dance Project. She offered me the role of "Evilene" in The Wiz. Awesome!

The summer of eeeeevil continues. It runs in September. I will send out more information as I get it.

But...yay!

Geeky Pleasures

There is a least one person who reads this blog who will whoop with laughter at this post. I just finished watching an episode of "Doctor Who". I am not the biggest sci fi fan - my far out fiction joys tends to come from the "bodice rippers" and chick lit that I devour like snack food. But there is one show that I have loved since childhood. I have dreamt of stepping into the Tardis and taking a trip in time like the Doctor and his companions.

I have not spent much time with the Doctor lately, but every so often, I am up late and catch the show on one of the local public television stations. That's what happened tonight and my eyes were just glued!

One of the conventions of the show is that every so often, the Doctor changes form - giving the show the opportunity to recast the part. The latest Doctor is soooooo cute. Christopher Eccelston is his name - so delightful. The Ninth Doctor may indeed be my favorite. I was totally ga ga for, like the sixth doctor ( I think it was the sixth - some time in the eighties when I was a teenager)... and now frankly I'm a little ga ga for this one too.

cuuuute!

Like I said in the title... geeky.

Good Night Y'all.