It was wrong, It mattered and I release you.

I have been trying to finish reading John Eldredge's Wild at Heart. It's a tough book to read for me. Though it is geared toward the lives of men, it has tapped into some of my issues. How interesting that this book that I bought last year and kept putting aside had inside of it one of major issues in my life. Eldredge talks about how men constantly struggle with the concept of being un- authentic ( is that a word?) -of being found a fraud.

His theory is that it comes from a rejection in early life or a lack of support for your identity (he speaks of the constraints placed on being a male). It totally applies to the way I was brought up.

I was told that I was being silly. That I didn't feel the way I felt. I recieved the message that what I thought and felt didn't matter and I have had to come out from under it my whole life.

I'm on the part of the book that talks about forgiveness, forgiving the people who undermined my development. Showing forgivness to people who hurt me, and forgiving myself for the things that I do. I think that forgivness is the most of difficult thing for me to handle. I have never been able to truly let things go. I hold grudges. I am often angry and unable to express it. I want to control the world around me and when I cant, I want to step out of the world completely.

I have a list of situations I probably need to go back into and pray for forgivness and offer it in return. The title of this post is a quote from Wild at Heart. A personal goal of mine is to use that phrase to try to heal that part of my life. The middle part of that statment "It mattered" is the most difficult. There are many times that I dont think I matter. That my existance is a burden. I try not to get too involved in peoples lives so I dont get in the way. When I say how I feel and it makes people upset, I am embarassed and think it would have been better for me not to be here at all. Intellectually, I understand that I matter. Emotionally, I have allowed the Enemy to convince me that I dont. In turn, I have allowed people to hurt me and I have stuffed the hurt way down deep. I know it is time to let it out and let it go. It's a struggle I feel compelled to share. I think that putting it out in public, may assist me in addressing it.

Perhaps the reason why this book is so difficult to read is that God is telling me the truth in it. I am always trying to be a better person. I hope that I can make changes I need to.