Genevieve has issues with people

I find that the hardest thing for me to do is be in community with people. It is really tough for me to have people depend on me or want to be with me. I don’t like the feeling of responsibility or obligation. Immature? I am sure…but it has been a part of my make up for a long time.

When I was a young girl, I longed for girlfriends to share my deepest teenage thoughts with. As I grew up, I made friends and have lots of lovely memories of slumber parties and concert, late night phone calls and notes passed in the hallways. I also have some very painful scars from the perceived hurts of a very sensitive child. I began to run inward as a teenager…not in that sulky kind of teenager way, but in the frightened of friends and the damage they could do kind of way.

I felt unsafe with people. I was always letting someone down. I didn’t say the right thing, I didn’t do the right thing and people punished me for it. Even if the punishment was in my head, I felt it… and felt it deep. It colored everything I ever did after that. I stepped tentatively into community with a couple of girls and had a ball for most of my high school years. Of course, we had drama and falling outs and all that.

In college, I decided to start again and I opened my heart to the Mount and everything there. What I am glad of is that when I opened my heart at that time… the Lord stepped in. I was called to attend the Mount and be on that Mountain for four years. My difficulties with people at college stemmed from my insecurity and sense of validity on the planet. It was easy for people who were even more insecure than me to manipulate and abuse me. I know that is strong, but some of the things that happened there would be categorized as abuse in any other setting. Torture even… nevertheless, I grew and found that my “weirdness”, My “ awkwardness” was part of who I was… and it made me interesting. I graduated from there wiser… weirder and still afraid to share myself totally with anyone or with God.

I’m gonna fast forward here through twenty years… amazing years – all culminating in my wonderful fortieth year. I would be a liar if I said, my issues with people were solved…far from it. I am still resistant to love and I am definitely resistant to being beholden to people. I have even punished myself in the past six months for letting people down and not being everything to everyone around me. But what has happened is that I find that the people I am letting into my world are accepting. The people who have remained from High School, College, RENT, jobs etc… are people who I have let down…and been let down by…. People who love me for who I am and who I could be… people who let me fall and help me up. I never thought that was possible. But it is.