I thought it was about Diet Coke...

Last sunday, I entered into a ten day fast of something I " love" very much - that wonder of chemical wonders - diet coke. It's part of the Pentacost Fast going on at my church. We were asked to fast from something and in its place add a spiritual activity. I have to admit that I didn't add anything, I just attempted to be more aware of what I was feeling and tried to listen to what God was trying to tell me.

As I approach the 7 day marker, I was going to say I hadnt felt very much, aside from a few moments of longing for my caffeinated sweetheart. But that would be untrue. This doing without, this teeny tiny sacrifice is unearthing in me a feeling of unrest that I have never felt before. I am not being complelled to deal with all the things I "thirst" for.

There is something that I have really been supressing in my life. The notion that I have a need for companionship. Not friendship, but really the firely communion of bodies and souls that has been denied me for my entire adult life. I have never ever felt worthy of having a boyfriend, let alone a husband. I have always felt too tall, too black, too fat, too ugly or have been told so by people I trusted. It was so painful do deal with that I have for many years pretended that I didnt even need that kind of thing in my life.

I go through seasons where it's okay to be alone. I usually have a boat load of things to "cover up" the fact that I am alone. To tell you the truth, I have all of the elements to do a great cover up job right now... but its as if someone is holding the covers back... forcing me to take a look. Is this the lack of carbonation in my life? Or is it a real manifestation and call to reality from God. Is this season of my life over...or permanent? And what should I do about it?

I am perplexed and a little sad that this topic is coming up. I wanted my big Pentacostal break through to be something " better" than being okay with being alone. I mean, I am a six foot tall overweight black woman who works in theatre - I dont need a hammer over the head to tell me that meeting men will always be hard for me. I'm confused and I want a diet coke.