This is probably one of the things that is hardest to wrap my head around. I receive gifts badly. I am often embarrassed and at a loss for words. The thought that God would give me multiple gifts is something so overwhelmingly foreign to me that I have refused to even deal with it for most of my life. This manifests in the fact that I have been able to sing well my whole life. I have hidden it and left it unused (for the most part) years at a time. I have never truly been able to accept that I could use that ability for anything besides something extra curricular. In fact, just typing this has made my face burn with embarrassment. I am not comfortable with gifts.
I have been trying in the past few months to do “a new thing” in my life. I have acknowledged the overwhelming heart I have for Christ. I have been washed in the blood of the Lamb and I survived. Now I must learn how to receive the Holy Spirit and allow it to lead me where I am destined to be. The momentousness of this undertaking is threatening to swallow me whole. Maybe that is what is supposed to be happening. Every time I think about it, I feel a little dizzy…I hear music… the tears start to fall. Is it possible? Are all the things that I keep hidden, the feelings and the dreams…the energy I feel around people and situations… are they real? Is this all part of a gift that I have been receiving badly?
Pastorfriend ™ never has any problem laying things out for me. She often says emotionally cataclysmic things to me. I don’t even know if she knows how many times she has steered me back on to the road, pulled me back from running away. She actually has been trying to talk to me about this for a while… and I have been skirting the issue.
Week before last a friend came into town (he actually came in to start rehearsing a show) and there was a seismic shift. I knew the minute he came into town. I could hear him calling out in fear… and I could feel him drowning his fear in alcohol. I could sense when he came back from the brink and when his fear started to rise again. I had to consciously “shut him off” in order to concentrate. When we came in actual face to face contact – we just stared at each other and held each other. It was obvious that what I used to call “ soul kisses” were coming fast and furious between us although the people around us simply heard innocuous conversation. When we had to separate, it was a physical pain ( he even asked me to come sit with him… but in the situation we were in, he was supposed to sit in the front and I was supposed to take a seat in the back).
After the meeting, he grabbed me as I was leaving and said “wish me luck”. I kissed his forehead and said a silent prayer. He looked at me and I swear I heard him say “amen”. I went back to work and I felt like I was flying. I thanked God for moments like that. I also realized that I was having more and more moments like that.
This past Sunday, I was challenged by the guest speaker at NCC. Margaret Feinberg is super cool. She speaks my language. Specifically, she spoke about how the Holy Spirit whispers to her. She gave several examples of how it occurred, and what happened when she didn’t listen. I realized at that moment that I was being spoken to all the time. That I didn’t listen ALL the time and that the things I am dealing with now in the natural are directly related to my turning a deaf ear to strongest of the “soul kisses”… the soft brush of the breath of heaven on my very soul.
Which brings me back to how do I learn to accept the gift of the spirit? What are these gifts? Is there a return policy? (I’m kidding…) Stay tuned people… I think this is going to be a pretty interesting investigation.
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