5 Days Till My Cruise.
That's all I have to say about that.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
How was your weekend?
Mine was great. It was busy, but I don’t feel like I missed anything. I started off with terrific conversation at the coffeehouseoflove™. It was good to decompress and talk with some like minded folk.
Saturday, I had rehearsal for Little Shop… it was a read through with the whole company. Wow. This is going to be one good show. Even the understudies rock at Toby’s! The environment is more professional than other performance situations I have been in and I like that a lot. I do feel like I am moving forward by working at this venue. Midway through the director throws her arms around me and tells me “I love you! You’re gonna be great!”. How is that for positive reinforcement? She said a couple of other interesting things too, but I’ll save that for later when I have more info.
Mistress Quickly finally has had it with me. On the way to Columbia she lit up her “Maintenance Required” button. Basically, she told me to go have her checked out NOW. So, I got home and made a vow to take her to Alexandria Toyota the next day.
My sister and I trekked out to the Wal-Mart for some sundry shopping. You know I had to get all the small bottles of crap that run out before your trip is over …LOL. I dropped a pretty penny, but I also bought some medicine and stuff that I needed so I didn’t feel too bad. Plus – I’m going on vacation! I have to get “stuff”! :)
Saturday, I had rehearsal for Little Shop… it was a read through with the whole company. Wow. This is going to be one good show. Even the understudies rock at Toby’s! The environment is more professional than other performance situations I have been in and I like that a lot. I do feel like I am moving forward by working at this venue. Midway through the director throws her arms around me and tells me “I love you! You’re gonna be great!”. How is that for positive reinforcement? She said a couple of other interesting things too, but I’ll save that for later when I have more info.
Mistress Quickly finally has had it with me. On the way to Columbia she lit up her “Maintenance Required” button. Basically, she told me to go have her checked out NOW. So, I got home and made a vow to take her to Alexandria Toyota the next day.
My sister and I trekked out to the Wal-Mart for some sundry shopping. You know I had to get all the small bottles of crap that run out before your trip is over …LOL. I dropped a pretty penny, but I also bought some medicine and stuff that I needed so I didn’t feel too bad. Plus – I’m going on vacation! I have to get “stuff”! :)
Friday, April 27, 2007
big yellow jeep
...caused me to really lose my cool...
I was dropping a friend off at the metro station and we were stuck in some unexpected traffic downtown. A big yellow jeep pulls out in the middle of the street - kitty cornered, blocking me. I honked my horn - the man in the jeep looked at me with this incredulous look. As if I had the nerve to suggest that what he did was improper. He then began to hurl insults and slurs and hand gestures at me. In fact, all of the seven people crammed into his jeep did so. The finest of the slurs came from a suited gentleman who had an equally delightful young woman on his lap. " You fat... " and frankly I dont know what he said after that. When you hurl the "F" word at me all bets are off.
I shot an ugly look at him and stated " I'm fat but you're an a$%hole... I can lose weight!" While it amused and soothed my friend and I, it was not even heard by the jerksinthejeep (tm). What good did it do? It just fueled anger and shame in me. Anger that these jerkoffs think they can come into my city and do whatever they feel like 'cuz they are white, young and well off. Anger that this man took a personal aspect of me...my fat... and used it as a weapon. But most of all, anger that off all the bootyhead things he did...calling me fat was the worst thing to me. Shame that I didnt take the high road and turn the other cheek. Shame that I am fat. That I do have something that some toadstool can use against me.
Being fat has been a part of my life since I was 10 years old. It's not like it is new. This week however, it has taken it's toll on me. Physically, I am wearing down. My joints are giving out on me. They just cant carry what I have put on them. My soul feels like its giving out too. I sort of dont feel like doing this anymore. But I dont feel like I have the strength to do anything about it. There is so much out of my control right now - food is about all that is giving me any pleasure anymore. Not being able to eat as I please makes me sad. Even thinking about it makes me sad.
So I feel shame. and anger. I'm not mad at those dumb people. I am mad at my own reaction. I am ashamed of my inability to fight my base instincts.
I'm gonna go pray on this and try to get over it before rehearsal tommorrow.
I really need a vacation.
I was dropping a friend off at the metro station and we were stuck in some unexpected traffic downtown. A big yellow jeep pulls out in the middle of the street - kitty cornered, blocking me. I honked my horn - the man in the jeep looked at me with this incredulous look. As if I had the nerve to suggest that what he did was improper. He then began to hurl insults and slurs and hand gestures at me. In fact, all of the seven people crammed into his jeep did so. The finest of the slurs came from a suited gentleman who had an equally delightful young woman on his lap. " You fat... " and frankly I dont know what he said after that. When you hurl the "F" word at me all bets are off.
I shot an ugly look at him and stated " I'm fat but you're an a$%hole... I can lose weight!" While it amused and soothed my friend and I, it was not even heard by the jerksinthejeep (tm). What good did it do? It just fueled anger and shame in me. Anger that these jerkoffs think they can come into my city and do whatever they feel like 'cuz they are white, young and well off. Anger that this man took a personal aspect of me...my fat... and used it as a weapon. But most of all, anger that off all the bootyhead things he did...calling me fat was the worst thing to me. Shame that I didnt take the high road and turn the other cheek. Shame that I am fat. That I do have something that some toadstool can use against me.
Being fat has been a part of my life since I was 10 years old. It's not like it is new. This week however, it has taken it's toll on me. Physically, I am wearing down. My joints are giving out on me. They just cant carry what I have put on them. My soul feels like its giving out too. I sort of dont feel like doing this anymore. But I dont feel like I have the strength to do anything about it. There is so much out of my control right now - food is about all that is giving me any pleasure anymore. Not being able to eat as I please makes me sad. Even thinking about it makes me sad.
So I feel shame. and anger. I'm not mad at those dumb people. I am mad at my own reaction. I am ashamed of my inability to fight my base instincts.
I'm gonna go pray on this and try to get over it before rehearsal tommorrow.
I really need a vacation.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
directions
"I guess it's time to prioritize and start running. At least God can redirect me if I run. It's kinda hard for him to redirect someone who is sitting." - pastorfriend (tm)
I just got off the phone with a rep from Regent University. They have a Theatre Studies/ Theatre Ministry Masters program. Interesting intersection of a few of my passions, dont you think?
This opens up a world of doubt in my mind. Should I run off to Virginia Beach and get an MA? Should I run off to the big city and keep auditioning? Should I just stay where I am and suck it up? ( I think we all know that last one is a big resounding NO!).
I'd like to work with young people. By young people I mean the college, new grad to 30 something crowd. As I eek my way out of that demographic, I really have a heart for them. I know that I am a teacher and I hope that I am a good friend. I would like to use those skills to bring people closer to God. I just dont know how. I am working on it though...
Everytime I sort of think that I have found one definate "lion" to chase...another peeks around a tree and sticks its tounge out at me. Too many lions... not enough me. LOL
I just got off the phone with a rep from Regent University. They have a Theatre Studies/ Theatre Ministry Masters program. Interesting intersection of a few of my passions, dont you think?
This opens up a world of doubt in my mind. Should I run off to Virginia Beach and get an MA? Should I run off to the big city and keep auditioning? Should I just stay where I am and suck it up? ( I think we all know that last one is a big resounding NO!).
I'd like to work with young people. By young people I mean the college, new grad to 30 something crowd. As I eek my way out of that demographic, I really have a heart for them. I know that I am a teacher and I hope that I am a good friend. I would like to use those skills to bring people closer to God. I just dont know how. I am working on it though...
Everytime I sort of think that I have found one definate "lion" to chase...another peeks around a tree and sticks its tounge out at me. Too many lions... not enough me. LOL
mmmpie.
PIE.
How can one word bring such joy? Pie. Pie. Pie.
There is something about certain foods, some evoke memories of special times and some create a sense of comfort. Then there are the few, the proud…the pie.
The particular pie I am waxing pathetic about is an Apple Sour Cream delight available only at The Little Pie Company in New York City. This taste treat reminds me of my many years in the big city. It reminds me of jobs I had – and hated – and frankly wish I was doing again ‘cuz they were simpler than what I am dealing with right now. It reminds of gatherings of friends and celebrations of milestones. It’s part of my NYC experience that gives me joy.
I was able, last nigh, to recapture some of that joy through the generosity of a few friends who trekked off to the Apple last weekend. I had talked up this pie and the unbelievable deliciousness of the many varieties so much, they had to make their way over to the shop. I am so glad they weren’t disappointed! I am also glad they didn’t forget lil ole me in the processJ.
So I am looking forward to delving into the second half of that mini hunk of goodness tonight after yet another day slogging it out for Ye Olde.
Pie good.
How can one word bring such joy? Pie. Pie. Pie.
There is something about certain foods, some evoke memories of special times and some create a sense of comfort. Then there are the few, the proud…the pie.
The particular pie I am waxing pathetic about is an Apple Sour Cream delight available only at The Little Pie Company in New York City. This taste treat reminds me of my many years in the big city. It reminds me of jobs I had – and hated – and frankly wish I was doing again ‘cuz they were simpler than what I am dealing with right now. It reminds of gatherings of friends and celebrations of milestones. It’s part of my NYC experience that gives me joy.
I was able, last nigh, to recapture some of that joy through the generosity of a few friends who trekked off to the Apple last weekend. I had talked up this pie and the unbelievable deliciousness of the many varieties so much, they had to make their way over to the shop. I am so glad they weren’t disappointed! I am also glad they didn’t forget lil ole me in the processJ.
So I am looking forward to delving into the second half of that mini hunk of goodness tonight after yet another day slogging it out for Ye Olde.
Pie good.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Sunday...
This morning I got up early and got ready for church. My sister was awake and dressed and looking at the movie listings. I asked her if she wanted to come to church with me. She said yes!
Let me just say that this is a " win" if I ever I had one. My sister struggles with her relationship with God. She rails against organizaed religion and rules of any kind. The funny thing is, that if it weren't for my sister, I would never have gone to NCC. She went to school with one of my fairygodmothers. Her friend suggested the church to my sister and my sister suggested it to me. I wanted to return the favor. I had been asking her to come with for a year.
The Lord moves in mysterious ways. I certainly didnt expect to have her with me this Sunday. But it sure was nice. I hope she comes back.
The message today was on the Anatomy of Faith. Today was the tounge...the mouth, the use of our words. I really needed to hear it. Not only about controlling the things I say, but also using my words to lift up and not tear down. I want to be a voice of hope and encouragement. I have some real powerful encouragers in my life right now. I hope to model them.
Let me just say that this is a " win" if I ever I had one. My sister struggles with her relationship with God. She rails against organizaed religion and rules of any kind. The funny thing is, that if it weren't for my sister, I would never have gone to NCC. She went to school with one of my fairygodmothers. Her friend suggested the church to my sister and my sister suggested it to me. I wanted to return the favor. I had been asking her to come with for a year.
The Lord moves in mysterious ways. I certainly didnt expect to have her with me this Sunday. But it sure was nice. I hope she comes back.
The message today was on the Anatomy of Faith. Today was the tounge...the mouth, the use of our words. I really needed to hear it. Not only about controlling the things I say, but also using my words to lift up and not tear down. I want to be a voice of hope and encouragement. I have some real powerful encouragers in my life right now. I hope to model them.
Roaring Lambs
I had heard a lot about Roaring Lambs By Bob Briner. Several people had reccomended it to me based on some of the things I had said about my work (as an artist and theatre professional)and my faith. I am certain there is an appropriate intersection or there is a new road for me that is an off ramp or a direct relation to my work in the creative realm.People of faith have a responsibility to bring that faith into everything they do. We can be powerful influencers of the culture. Briner uses the biblical call for people of faith to be the salt of the earth as the battlecry for a cultural revolution. The book is a little dated. It was written pre 9/11 and really pre-social media. There are some things missing but the challenge is the same.
He speaks from the perspective of a television, sports and academic professional. His realm of knowlege and interest skews toward those things. I felt that theatre and dance got omitted from the book. Nevertheless, it was really easy to make the connections to my own genre.
Briner challenges us not to be complainers and protestors. We should be the creators of the culture we want to experience. We can create the content we desire. I would reccomend this book to all my compatriots in the arts. I would also suggest that this book is a good read for people who are searching for some direction. It speaks about being active in the word we live in. Faith filled influencers can be the change we are all looking for.
Radical for God
This weeks broadcast from Victory Church, OKC
Be radical for God.
God has put something in us to give voice to a nation, a people.
The definition of a fan is an enthusiastic, devoted follower. What does it mean to be a fan?
I have been an fan before. In fact I was a fanatic. I had the unique experience in the late 90's of being a "groupie" for the Broadway show RENT. A self described RENThead, I spent many a night sitting on the street outside theatres all along the East Coast waiting for my opportunity to sit in the front row and experience this wonderful show. I was committed to seeing it as much as I could. I wanted to know as much as I could about the writer, the work and the acting company. The messages I gleaned from the show and my experiences connected to the show influenced my life greatly... influences it still today.
During those couple of years that I was heavily involved in the RENT experience, I could connect anything to the show. I was able to articulate my own world view best through the lyrics and the themes of the show.
The message went on to define some of the characteristics of a radical fan. Pastor Mark Crow used a sports analogy, but I, of course, converted it to the theatre world.
When you are vocal about your devotion, you create more devotion.
The RENThead experience occured right at the beginning of the internet revolution. IMing was brand new and people were just starting to create communities online. RENTheads developed chatrooms and blogs and list-serves. People from across the country, around the world, formed "families" -connections based solely on thier belief in the show.
Sometimes you have to be vocal and firm in what you believe.
When I was in the middle of it all, no one could tell me a thing. I did everything in support of seeing the show and being with the people who also felt the same way I did about the show.
I actually lost friends because of the choices I made regarding RENT.
Radical fans yell and shout - they can't help themselves.
This was totally true of the times I was in the performance and I was wrapped up in the music and the experience. I couldn't help but clap and sing along.
Supporting God is radical.
This is so true. The time I spent chasing RENT was a part of my growth experience. It was filled with life lessons. I needed to make the connection to something. I had a hole in my soul I didn't know how to fill. I couldn't quantify what it was I was looking for. I felt a part of something larger than myself and that felt mighty good.
I know now that the RENT experience was divinely sent. The Lord placed me in that situation to instill and confirm the calling to the art of theatre He had placed within me a long time ago. I had the opportunity to connect with young people and speak positivity into thier lives. I knew that that opportunity was given to me for a reason. I know that down the line, that part of the experience will serve me as I find my " mission field". I think it will be as a teacher on some level...perhaps as a college theatre professor ( that's after Broadway people - so dont panic :) ).
Time has passed since the RENT days. I know now that the hole I had in me was a God shaped hole. I am walking a new path and the Lord is guiding my steps. The community I sought and tried to create ... I stepped into and was welcomed into when I joined NCC. A community of believers radically committed to raising up the word of the Lord.
Radical fans are there for every season.
God is good all the time. I endevour to love God in the losing time and the winning time. I am a fan for life and no matter what happens in the natural, my reward will be found elsewhere.
It may not look like a winning season, but we serve a winning God.
Jesus is undefeated. It doesn't matter what the score is!
Your vocalness will create influence.
That is why I am writing this. That is why am trying to find an opportunity everyday to speak it into existance. " I am devoted to God!"
Radical fans create buzz.
Those of us who sat outside the theatre's waiting for tickets to RENT were asked lots of questions. We gladly told our stories, unabashed 'testimonials' about what the show meant to us. I know we sold tickets for the show.
I hope to create that same kind of "business" for the Lord.
People dying everyday for one word of hope.
Stand up for what you believe.
Speak up for what is inside you!
We are called to illumniate the earth.
Radical fans open heaven.
The cause we serve is more important than the price that you pay.
The outcome of your life is more important than the income from your paycheck.
I hope you guys dont mind my ramblings, when I hear something that stirs me... I feel like I should share it.
Be radical for God.
God has put something in us to give voice to a nation, a people.
The definition of a fan is an enthusiastic, devoted follower. What does it mean to be a fan?
I have been an fan before. In fact I was a fanatic. I had the unique experience in the late 90's of being a "groupie" for the Broadway show RENT. A self described RENThead, I spent many a night sitting on the street outside theatres all along the East Coast waiting for my opportunity to sit in the front row and experience this wonderful show. I was committed to seeing it as much as I could. I wanted to know as much as I could about the writer, the work and the acting company. The messages I gleaned from the show and my experiences connected to the show influenced my life greatly... influences it still today.
During those couple of years that I was heavily involved in the RENT experience, I could connect anything to the show. I was able to articulate my own world view best through the lyrics and the themes of the show.
The message went on to define some of the characteristics of a radical fan. Pastor Mark Crow used a sports analogy, but I, of course, converted it to the theatre world.
When you are vocal about your devotion, you create more devotion.
The RENThead experience occured right at the beginning of the internet revolution. IMing was brand new and people were just starting to create communities online. RENTheads developed chatrooms and blogs and list-serves. People from across the country, around the world, formed "families" -connections based solely on thier belief in the show.
Sometimes you have to be vocal and firm in what you believe.
When I was in the middle of it all, no one could tell me a thing. I did everything in support of seeing the show and being with the people who also felt the same way I did about the show.
I actually lost friends because of the choices I made regarding RENT.
Radical fans yell and shout - they can't help themselves.
This was totally true of the times I was in the performance and I was wrapped up in the music and the experience. I couldn't help but clap and sing along.
Supporting God is radical.
This is so true. The time I spent chasing RENT was a part of my growth experience. It was filled with life lessons. I needed to make the connection to something. I had a hole in my soul I didn't know how to fill. I couldn't quantify what it was I was looking for. I felt a part of something larger than myself and that felt mighty good.
I know now that the RENT experience was divinely sent. The Lord placed me in that situation to instill and confirm the calling to the art of theatre He had placed within me a long time ago. I had the opportunity to connect with young people and speak positivity into thier lives. I knew that that opportunity was given to me for a reason. I know that down the line, that part of the experience will serve me as I find my " mission field". I think it will be as a teacher on some level...perhaps as a college theatre professor ( that's after Broadway people - so dont panic :) ).
Time has passed since the RENT days. I know now that the hole I had in me was a God shaped hole. I am walking a new path and the Lord is guiding my steps. The community I sought and tried to create ... I stepped into and was welcomed into when I joined NCC. A community of believers radically committed to raising up the word of the Lord.
Radical fans are there for every season.
God is good all the time. I endevour to love God in the losing time and the winning time. I am a fan for life and no matter what happens in the natural, my reward will be found elsewhere.
It may not look like a winning season, but we serve a winning God.
Jesus is undefeated. It doesn't matter what the score is!
Your vocalness will create influence.
That is why I am writing this. That is why am trying to find an opportunity everyday to speak it into existance. " I am devoted to God!"
Radical fans create buzz.
Those of us who sat outside the theatre's waiting for tickets to RENT were asked lots of questions. We gladly told our stories, unabashed 'testimonials' about what the show meant to us. I know we sold tickets for the show.
I hope to create that same kind of "business" for the Lord.
People dying everyday for one word of hope.
Stand up for what you believe.
Speak up for what is inside you!
We are called to illumniate the earth.
Radical fans open heaven.
The cause we serve is more important than the price that you pay.
The outcome of your life is more important than the income from your paycheck.
I hope you guys dont mind my ramblings, when I hear something that stirs me... I feel like I should share it.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Two awesome things...
I got my computer up and running again. My uncle took a look at it and suggested a few things for me to try. Which I did and it worked. Huzzah!
Back in business.
The second awesome thing? My first rehearsal for Little Shop...
It was just me, the vocal director and the stage manager. :)
It's gonna be a good experience. The SM is on point, all the materials were ready and handed to me as soon as I walked in. The VD worked straight through for and hour and a half. He was on point and really good. I think I am going to hire him for voice lessons.
I'll be using my voice in a different way. Using some of the lower reigster and doing an R&B style that I dont usually do. I am really happy - it's also not a lot of pressure ( no dancing ).
Now if I can find a way to stay employed and do these matinees it will be golden!
LOL
Now it's time for a nap.
Back in business.
The second awesome thing? My first rehearsal for Little Shop...
It was just me, the vocal director and the stage manager. :)
It's gonna be a good experience. The SM is on point, all the materials were ready and handed to me as soon as I walked in. The VD worked straight through for and hour and a half. He was on point and really good. I think I am going to hire him for voice lessons.
I'll be using my voice in a different way. Using some of the lower reigster and doing an R&B style that I dont usually do. I am really happy - it's also not a lot of pressure ( no dancing ).
Now if I can find a way to stay employed and do these matinees it will be golden!
LOL
Now it's time for a nap.
Friday, April 20, 2007
ARGH
I dont know why I let CrazyMan (tm) get to me. Today he showed up at a meeting and made me feel inferior. Let me take that back, I allowed him to make me feel inferior. His very presense makes me sad and edgy. I feel like I cant breathe when he is around. I dont want to feel like that any more.
There has GOT to be a change soon.
There has GOT to be a change soon.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
An Apology to Mistress Quickly.
Dear Mistress Quickly,
I am sorry that I haven't taken you to the Toyota Dealership for your oil change and tune up.
I am so grateful that you carry me everywhere I go and store every thing I force into the back of you.
You are the cutest car I could ever have and I promise to do better for you. I will drop you off on Sunday night and you will get the WORKS!!!
But for now, I can only say... I'm sorry.
Love,
G
I am sorry that I haven't taken you to the Toyota Dealership for your oil change and tune up.
I am so grateful that you carry me everywhere I go and store every thing I force into the back of you.
You are the cutest car I could ever have and I promise to do better for you. I will drop you off on Sunday night and you will get the WORKS!!!
But for now, I can only say... I'm sorry.
Love,
G
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Connecting...
Had coffee with a friend at the coffeehouseoflove (tm) tonight. It was the best part of my day. I have been very quick cancel and not participate in social activites. My social phobia and anxiety has kept me cooped up for many many years. I have to fight to not just go home after work.
I am glad I had coffee with my friend. It is good to be connected to people.
I am glad I had coffee with my friend. It is good to be connected to people.
Diversity Training
I felt the need to wait and let the " Diversity Training " sink in.
This is really all I will say about it. The conversations that were started there were important. Do I think anything will come of it? No. The power structure at Ye Olde is such that it would not benefit them to actually implement any kind of actual changes.
There were some in Senior Staff who couldnt handle the fact that the "others" , the regular staff members could see the truth about the situation. The fact that the top four people in the organization are white, over 40, highly educated, gay and male. One Senior Staffer blew his top when that was written down and the whole group agreed. As if some how it was untrue! LOL That sort of sums up the day.
Human beings all like to think that they are open minded and that they dont behave with any bias. We all want to think we see the world for what it is - but we see things the way we want them to be. It happens all the time. All we can do is try to be open. We can try to do better.
I dont know that there is anything that can be done at Ye Olde. I can only pray for those in power and for those of us who work day to day. That's the best I can do.
This is really all I will say about it. The conversations that were started there were important. Do I think anything will come of it? No. The power structure at Ye Olde is such that it would not benefit them to actually implement any kind of actual changes.
There were some in Senior Staff who couldnt handle the fact that the "others" , the regular staff members could see the truth about the situation. The fact that the top four people in the organization are white, over 40, highly educated, gay and male. One Senior Staffer blew his top when that was written down and the whole group agreed. As if some how it was untrue! LOL That sort of sums up the day.
Human beings all like to think that they are open minded and that they dont behave with any bias. We all want to think we see the world for what it is - but we see things the way we want them to be. It happens all the time. All we can do is try to be open. We can try to do better.
I dont know that there is anything that can be done at Ye Olde. I can only pray for those in power and for those of us who work day to day. That's the best I can do.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
And I am telling you...
I didn't get a part in Dreamgirls... LOL
I was very pleased after getting the role in Little Shop... to be asked if I was able to the attend the Dreamgirls audition. I told the producer that I couldnt leave DC until 5:30pm ( when the audition started). She said there was no problem with that - just show up. Sweeeet!
I dont get down there until 7:30 and they were still seeing the girls. I hopped up on stage and sang and read and then I got sent home. oops. I was done. I didnt mind though, the energy among the girls was kind of negative. Also... this show is at the Baltimore Travel Plaza location. Which is pretty far. I didnt feel as comfortable at this location as I did at the Columbia loc.
The upside of this evening was I got to sit and have a long conversation with one of my girls from Beehive. She was frustrated by her audition experience and I was glad to have to opportunity to encourage her. It was also great to connect with her again. I like to have a variety of people in my world. We bring something different to each others world. There's no monotony and no co-dependence. It's really cool.
I will endevour to spend more time with her. She only lives over the border in PG County! LOL.
Anyway... no Effie for me...not yet ;)
I was very pleased after getting the role in Little Shop... to be asked if I was able to the attend the Dreamgirls audition. I told the producer that I couldnt leave DC until 5:30pm ( when the audition started). She said there was no problem with that - just show up. Sweeeet!
I dont get down there until 7:30 and they were still seeing the girls. I hopped up on stage and sang and read and then I got sent home. oops. I was done. I didnt mind though, the energy among the girls was kind of negative. Also... this show is at the Baltimore Travel Plaza location. Which is pretty far. I didnt feel as comfortable at this location as I did at the Columbia loc.
The upside of this evening was I got to sit and have a long conversation with one of my girls from Beehive. She was frustrated by her audition experience and I was glad to have to opportunity to encourage her. It was also great to connect with her again. I like to have a variety of people in my world. We bring something different to each others world. There's no monotony and no co-dependence. It's really cool.
I will endevour to spend more time with her. She only lives over the border in PG County! LOL.
Anyway... no Effie for me...not yet ;)
Virginia Tech
All over the country the talk is about the massacre at Virginia Tech. The brain tries to make connections and find "sense" in the whole thing.
Since I have problems with anxiety and obsessing, I have purposely censored my television viewing and internet search in regards to this horrific event. I have conciously tried to pray for the students and the families and the communities affected by this tragedy. I have also tried to stay aware of the affect that this kind of news has on me and the world around me.
My mom is an obsessive type too ( the apple doesnt fall far from the tree). Everytime I pass her room, there is something on TV about the incident. I know she feels she has to have all the information in order process it properly. I have often taken this route. I choose not to do it this time. I choose to offer my confusion and sadness about this up to God. Blessed are those who mourn.
Here is an interesting article with a Christian perspective: Peace in a World of Massacre.
Since I have problems with anxiety and obsessing, I have purposely censored my television viewing and internet search in regards to this horrific event. I have conciously tried to pray for the students and the families and the communities affected by this tragedy. I have also tried to stay aware of the affect that this kind of news has on me and the world around me.
My mom is an obsessive type too ( the apple doesnt fall far from the tree). Everytime I pass her room, there is something on TV about the incident. I know she feels she has to have all the information in order process it properly. I have often taken this route. I choose not to do it this time. I choose to offer my confusion and sadness about this up to God. Blessed are those who mourn.
Here is an interesting article with a Christian perspective: Peace in a World of Massacre.
Feed Me...
I got a call today from Toby's Dinner Theatre. I am going to be playing the role of "Audrey II" in the upcoming production of Little Shop of Horrors. Whoo hooo!
A couple of things about this gig... I have wanted to work at Toby's for many years. I have also wanted to pay the man-eating plant sice I was in college and understudied it. It involves weekday matinees. These may be the spliting point for me and the Marketing department at Ye Olde. I cant imagine that Crazyman (tm) and LeftBrain (tm) will appreciate or approve 11 Wednesday's this summer. Especially in light of the fact that I was honest with them and told them I hated the boring part of my job and didnt want to do it anymore. Like I said, this may be the parting of the ways.
I am not in a place of fear about this though. There are several solutions on the horizon... one of them involves coffee :)
Nevertheless... I thank my fairygodmothers for pushing me and loving me through the auditions and helping over the hurdles. Trust me, y'all will get a shout out in the program.
Saying goodbye to Godspell
Tonight we had the cast party for Godpsell. It was a fun affair with food galore and something called Dance Dance Revolution that I wanted no part of. Mostly it was a wonderful evening of connection and community.
I don't usually go to cast parties. I usually dont like the cast by the time a show ends. LOL. This time it was just nice to be with these people. They come from different places. They all have independent interesting lives. They intersect at the point of faith and theatre. That's a beautiful thing.
Did I mention the food? Um, pastorfriend (tm) served up some of the yummiest snacks possible. The highlights were the chicken nuggets from Chik-fil-a and the chips and salsa from Chili's. RIDICULOUS good. :)
One of the nice things that came from this gathering is the germination of new idea for an artistic collaboration. A VERY talented young artist in the company showed us some slides of her portfolio. I was floored. It started me thinking about how to incorporate some striking visual images into my upcoming show. ( now delayed by a man eating plant...)
I wont say more than that because she and I havent really talked it through, but it was a very exciting "spark" of creativity. I have to say that my experience at NCC has recharged my creative side in a way that I never could have imagined. It's clearly a gift from God. Now that I have been given this gift, it's my responsibility to use it for His glory. It's an amazing challenge and a wonderful life.
Did I mention the food was YUMMY?
I don't usually go to cast parties. I usually dont like the cast by the time a show ends. LOL. This time it was just nice to be with these people. They come from different places. They all have independent interesting lives. They intersect at the point of faith and theatre. That's a beautiful thing.
Did I mention the food? Um, pastorfriend (tm) served up some of the yummiest snacks possible. The highlights were the chicken nuggets from Chik-fil-a and the chips and salsa from Chili's. RIDICULOUS good. :)
One of the nice things that came from this gathering is the germination of new idea for an artistic collaboration. A VERY talented young artist in the company showed us some slides of her portfolio. I was floored. It started me thinking about how to incorporate some striking visual images into my upcoming show. ( now delayed by a man eating plant...)
I wont say more than that because she and I havent really talked it through, but it was a very exciting "spark" of creativity. I have to say that my experience at NCC has recharged my creative side in a way that I never could have imagined. It's clearly a gift from God. Now that I have been given this gift, it's my responsibility to use it for His glory. It's an amazing challenge and a wonderful life.
Did I mention the food was YUMMY?
Monday, April 16, 2007
Gettin' closer to Latteland
I asked my boss, Leftbrain (tm) if I could slip out of the dumb Diversity Training tomorrow. He said no and he told me it would be inappropriate for a future Audience Development director to leave the training early.
Here's a question for ya? Would be inappropriate for a future barista to leave "diversity" training early? Cuz that is what I will be soon enough!
I am praying that God is giving me the strength to make this change. Today, I feel like it is okay. I don't know about tomorrow. We'll see where it takes me.
pastorfriend (tm) sent me a quote from Craig Groeschel:
"The difference between where you are and where God wants you to be may be the painful decision you refuse to make."
sure sums up things right now.
Here's a question for ya? Would be inappropriate for a future barista to leave "diversity" training early? Cuz that is what I will be soon enough!
I am praying that God is giving me the strength to make this change. Today, I feel like it is okay. I don't know about tomorrow. We'll see where it takes me.
pastorfriend (tm) sent me a quote from Craig Groeschel:
"The difference between where you are and where God wants you to be may be the painful decision you refuse to make."
sure sums up things right now.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Coffee?
My sister told me to get a job a Starbucks.
She said it was past time to leave Ye Olde.
She said it over and over.
I haven't stopped eating since the idea came up.
I'm nauseous and confused and feeling a little paranoid.
I'll look into it.
I'm going to make them pay for my vacation though. So nothing will happen until May.
Maybe Broadway will call before then...
She said it was past time to leave Ye Olde.
She said it over and over.
I haven't stopped eating since the idea came up.
I'm nauseous and confused and feeling a little paranoid.
I'll look into it.
I'm going to make them pay for my vacation though. So nothing will happen until May.
Maybe Broadway will call before then...
Things I am thinking about tonight...
I was watching a little Daystar Television Network, my favorite overnight companion...
Mark Crow at Victory Christian Center in Oklahoma City, OK had some words for me this evening.
Here are some of the key thoughts....
...People don't treat you right, but that's okay - cuz Jesus treats you right and that's all that matters...
...Sit in a new "seat". A seat of redemption and new life...I'm stayin' in my seat... I want to sit down in a place of joy!
Take the time for Reflection, to Regenerate, to Reconsile and to Represent.
Make a choice that you dont want to sit in your sin and your sorrow any longer.
...Don't quit on God...
Lord take my pain, take my hurt and my shame.
...Tell the Devil you're not doing it anymore... tell him to deal with your Boss...
Do a new thing! You are Christ's ambassadors. You were appointed ! You're on assignment!
Get up everyday and exchange your sin for purpose in Christ. ( I think this one is what got me. I need this more than anything else. I need to rededicate myself to my Purpose in Christ)
I struggle, people, trying to figure out to how to do this new thing. I know that the time has come to make some serious changes. You're gonna hear more about this as I am able articulate it. Right now, if you dont mind, I'm gonna use this platform to make some notes... Feel free to use what works for you.
Halleluiah, grace like rain
falls down on me....
Mark Crow at Victory Christian Center in Oklahoma City, OK had some words for me this evening.
Here are some of the key thoughts....
...People don't treat you right, but that's okay - cuz Jesus treats you right and that's all that matters...
...Sit in a new "seat". A seat of redemption and new life...I'm stayin' in my seat... I want to sit down in a place of joy!
Take the time for Reflection, to Regenerate, to Reconsile and to Represent.
Make a choice that you dont want to sit in your sin and your sorrow any longer.
...Don't quit on God...
Lord take my pain, take my hurt and my shame.
...Tell the Devil you're not doing it anymore... tell him to deal with your Boss...
Do a new thing! You are Christ's ambassadors. You were appointed ! You're on assignment!
Get up everyday and exchange your sin for purpose in Christ. ( I think this one is what got me. I need this more than anything else. I need to rededicate myself to my Purpose in Christ)
I struggle, people, trying to figure out to how to do this new thing. I know that the time has come to make some serious changes. You're gonna hear more about this as I am able articulate it. Right now, if you dont mind, I'm gonna use this platform to make some notes... Feel free to use what works for you.
Halleluiah, grace like rain
falls down on me....
Time of testing...
This AM I started my day at Ye Olde with a bit of optimism and a little tingle of excitement. I pulled up my calendar and went to put my two auditions in. Saturday 9:30am, Little Shop..., check! Tuesday, Dreamgirls..., 5:30pm... un check. I have a "Diversiry Training"...and all day farce of a meeting. Where we do exercises that make us all uncomfortable and pretend that it is going to make a huge difference in an organization that thrives on disfunction. Sounds like tons of fun. Until 5:30pm.
I sent an email to the flunkie that was organizing the circus and asked if the event would actually last until 5:30. He said yes. I started to spin into despair. How was I going to get out of the meeting in time to get to Baltimore for my audition? I couldnt ask to get out early. Yesterday, my boss told me that his boss thinks I am doing a bad job. "I know it's not true, it's the " perception", you know? " Well, that made me feel about two inches tall. I didnt even know what to do about it. The department head knows I dont want to do the mundane part of my job anymore. That it bores and demeans me and I cant take much more of it. I am feeling trapped and unappreciated.
To tell you the truth, I should have left almost a year ago. At the time that I was about to make the move, I was trying to make it a smooth move. I didnt want to upset my bosses. I thought they cared about me. I certainly cared what they thought about me. I had been interviewing and had considered a few options. I confided in a friend all of these things and that person told someone in my organization. I was confronted with " are you planning to leave?" I panicked and said no. My spirit died a little that day. I felt enslaved by misplaced loyalty, betrayed by someone I thought had respect for my situation and trapped for a least another six months.
When I told my bosses boss that I really hated doing part of my job, I was told " This is a really bad time to replace your position." and " Everyone hates thier job, I do." What?!? Who says that? There was no attempt to make it better and to keep me. In fact he went to the General Manager and "told" on me. I had to meet with him... he lied to me and blew the same smoke up my butt he done months before. ( Later I found out that the GM told my boss and my bosses boss told him too. )
Now I know you say I should just get out. I know this is true. How, though? How do I get out and where do I go? And how does getting out get me to the Dreamgirls audition? Pray for me people.
I sent an email to the flunkie that was organizing the circus and asked if the event would actually last until 5:30. He said yes. I started to spin into despair. How was I going to get out of the meeting in time to get to Baltimore for my audition? I couldnt ask to get out early. Yesterday, my boss told me that his boss thinks I am doing a bad job. "I know it's not true, it's the " perception", you know? " Well, that made me feel about two inches tall. I didnt even know what to do about it. The department head knows I dont want to do the mundane part of my job anymore. That it bores and demeans me and I cant take much more of it. I am feeling trapped and unappreciated.
To tell you the truth, I should have left almost a year ago. At the time that I was about to make the move, I was trying to make it a smooth move. I didnt want to upset my bosses. I thought they cared about me. I certainly cared what they thought about me. I had been interviewing and had considered a few options. I confided in a friend all of these things and that person told someone in my organization. I was confronted with " are you planning to leave?" I panicked and said no. My spirit died a little that day. I felt enslaved by misplaced loyalty, betrayed by someone I thought had respect for my situation and trapped for a least another six months.
When I told my bosses boss that I really hated doing part of my job, I was told " This is a really bad time to replace your position." and " Everyone hates thier job, I do." What?!? Who says that? There was no attempt to make it better and to keep me. In fact he went to the General Manager and "told" on me. I had to meet with him... he lied to me and blew the same smoke up my butt he done months before. ( Later I found out that the GM told my boss and my bosses boss told him too. )
Now I know you say I should just get out. I know this is true. How, though? How do I get out and where do I go? And how does getting out get me to the Dreamgirls audition? Pray for me people.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
From Urchin to Plant in an hour...
Okay, I got up at the crack of dawn...alright 7am, and boogied up to Columbia, MD. I just barely got there on time. I run in and sign in. There are a lot of women there. I would say 20. Which is a lot for a dinner theatre callback, I think. All beautiful , all different shapes and sizes. So, at least I know that I have a good of a shot as any. It would have been much worse if I had walked in and I was the only " Jennifer Hudson" type in the room.
Anyway, we all learned the parts for harmony on the song "Little Shop..." and the three solos for the "Urchins". Then they divided us up into groups of three. We sang the songs and then they danced us.
:: cue dramatic music::
I am not a dancer, and I proved it once again at this audition. I have to get lessons. I have to do something. This is one of those things that kept me from "going for it" before. I would get so scared of being seen as elephant dancing. I would stay inside my head and not learn the whole combination.
After the combination, I was cut - but the director asked me to stay and sing for the role of "the plant". Awesome! I have always thought that role would be great as a woman. Making a "love triangle" between Seymour, Audrey and Audrey II ( the plant). Better still... I could sing to my hearts content and do it from backstage and still get paid ! LOL
Anyway, I sang with two other girls and five men for the role, read for the director and headed home. I gave a shoutout to gentleartsyfriend (tm) to let her know that I had done it and I was relieved and tired. I called my sister and she said she was getting some of my favorite pizza. I decided I was going to spend the rest of the day on the couch watching CourtTV.
I dont know what will come of the audition. I feel like I did my best. That's all I can do, right?
Anyway, we all learned the parts for harmony on the song "Little Shop..." and the three solos for the "Urchins". Then they divided us up into groups of three. We sang the songs and then they danced us.
:: cue dramatic music::
I am not a dancer, and I proved it once again at this audition. I have to get lessons. I have to do something. This is one of those things that kept me from "going for it" before. I would get so scared of being seen as elephant dancing. I would stay inside my head and not learn the whole combination.
After the combination, I was cut - but the director asked me to stay and sing for the role of "the plant". Awesome! I have always thought that role would be great as a woman. Making a "love triangle" between Seymour, Audrey and Audrey II ( the plant). Better still... I could sing to my hearts content and do it from backstage and still get paid ! LOL
Anyway, I sang with two other girls and five men for the role, read for the director and headed home. I gave a shoutout to gentleartsyfriend (tm) to let her know that I had done it and I was relieved and tired. I called my sister and she said she was getting some of my favorite pizza. I decided I was going to spend the rest of the day on the couch watching CourtTV.
I dont know what will come of the audition. I feel like I did my best. That's all I can do, right?
Friday, April 13, 2007
Blessed.
Today, I reached out. Mercy and Grace reached back.
I replied to an email from pastorfriend (tm) and poured out some of the frustration and angst I was feeling. I recieved in return a gentle, spirit led kick in the pants. It was hard to hear. It was hard to read. It took me about two hours to read it totally through without crying.
Then the second email arrived. Loving support and a call to action came from Gentleartsyfriend(tm). She sent an email that I am not sure I can ever read without crying. (I printed both of them and put them in my purse). She even quoted the big R. Talk about pulling out the big guns.
I am standing in the middle of a pit. There are many lions around me. The crowd is pulling for me. What am I going to do?
I was asked to "take one step". I promised to go to the Little Shop audition. Is that going to be enough? I just dont know.
I replied to an email from pastorfriend (tm) and poured out some of the frustration and angst I was feeling. I recieved in return a gentle, spirit led kick in the pants. It was hard to hear. It was hard to read. It took me about two hours to read it totally through without crying.
Then the second email arrived. Loving support and a call to action came from Gentleartsyfriend(tm). She sent an email that I am not sure I can ever read without crying. (I printed both of them and put them in my purse). She even quoted the big R. Talk about pulling out the big guns.
I am standing in the middle of a pit. There are many lions around me. The crowd is pulling for me. What am I going to do?
I was asked to "take one step". I promised to go to the Little Shop audition. Is that going to be enough? I just dont know.
Tell me something good...
Just as I was leaving the office tonight, my cell phone rang. It was someone from a local dinner theatre I had been trying to keep in contact with. She called me to come and sing for roles in Little Shop... and Dreamgirls! I am so thrilled to have this chance.
I hope that this is a sign of bright beginnings.
I hope that this is a sign of bright beginnings.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
The world wants to steal your joy.
This past weekend, I made " all things new". One the inside... everything else is still THE SAME!!!!
Another day at Ye Olde and wouldnt you know it? I am getting bombarded with stupid stuff. Sometimes the people who are "the boss of me" like to get hung up on small things and wear them into the ground. Like today for example - missed call, tour leader contacts Education department - passiveaggressiveone (tm) down there blind copies my boss on an email reply to the tour leader. Let the fun begin!
It made me so mad and so frustrated that I walked around the neighborhood, praying for a good ten minutes. When I came back inside, I replied to his email and yelled at passiveagressiveone (tm) for starting all of this. Fortunately, something else shiny distracted "the boss of me" and I have been mercifully left alone since then.
I am praying for a peaceful afternoon. But I may have to have french fries for lunch... just to ease the tension ;)
Another day at Ye Olde and wouldnt you know it? I am getting bombarded with stupid stuff. Sometimes the people who are "the boss of me" like to get hung up on small things and wear them into the ground. Like today for example - missed call, tour leader contacts Education department - passiveaggressiveone (tm) down there blind copies my boss on an email reply to the tour leader. Let the fun begin!
It made me so mad and so frustrated that I walked around the neighborhood, praying for a good ten minutes. When I came back inside, I replied to his email and yelled at passiveagressiveone (tm) for starting all of this. Fortunately, something else shiny distracted "the boss of me" and I have been mercifully left alone since then.
I am praying for a peaceful afternoon. But I may have to have french fries for lunch... just to ease the tension ;)
Monday, April 09, 2007
Nappy Headed Ho's
Now that I have your attention...
I would like to turn your attention to something that the " liberal" media is turning a blind eye to. Don Imus's blatently racist and sexist remarks on his radio show last week.
There is a good article on it here. I am stunned and appalled that this guy gets to just say whatever he wants about the scholar athletes on the Rutgers University Women's basketball team. Is it okay? I dont think so! Get mad, people! Let the media know that call people " out of thier names" for ratings and attention is ludicrous and ignorant and just plain wrong.
Isn't the old adage " if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all"? If that is true then Don Imus needs to just shut it.
Jerk.
PS: I know all those women could take him in a one on one game and that is the real reason he is such a bootyhead (tm) - hater.
I would like to turn your attention to something that the " liberal" media is turning a blind eye to. Don Imus's blatently racist and sexist remarks on his radio show last week.
There is a good article on it here. I am stunned and appalled that this guy gets to just say whatever he wants about the scholar athletes on the Rutgers University Women's basketball team. Is it okay? I dont think so! Get mad, people! Let the media know that call people " out of thier names" for ratings and attention is ludicrous and ignorant and just plain wrong.
Isn't the old adage " if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all"? If that is true then Don Imus needs to just shut it.
Jerk.
PS: I know all those women could take him in a one on one game and that is the real reason he is such a bootyhead (tm) - hater.
Goodbye, Godspell
I think I love closings. Call me crazy. There is a lot of emotion; there is a lot of intensity. People either do the very best they can or they do the very worst – it shows you what their character was from the get go, really. It’s also a time of beginnings. The next project is often the topic of conversation.
I have worked on shows where the last show was the best because I knew I never had to do it again. I have worked on shows where I was sad to let go of a character – she had become a part of me somehow. Even now, thinking about it – some of them flash before me. Beehive- hitting that last pose in “Make Your Own Kind of Music” was a little sad. I loved those songs and I definitely loved the experience. “Tryshia” in The Last Session – as we sang “When You Care” I was filled with a lot of pain. I was moving just days later and changing my life forever. The man I loved (and still do) more than I could really express was by my side and I knew, just knew the world would never put us in that position again. Endings, beginnings…change.
Thank you first and foremost to pastorfriend™ for asking me along for the ride. To Eryn and Kacey, fellow travelers on the SB ™… thanks thanks and ever thanks – I never knew my theatre power could be used for good!
Thank you to the company (cast and band) – your journey was a pleasure to watch time and time again. I thank you for allowing me to be a part of ya’lls party.
This weekend, we bid adieu to the first show in the NCC Theater “Experiment”. I think it was a successful one and I look forward to seeing what God as planned for everyone involved. On to something new, people. We can do it, yes we can, yes we ca-an.
Godspell was a testimony, a trial, a teaching tool, a breakthrough, a small house of love built in the “Beautiful City”…
Out of the ruins and rubble
Out of the smoke
Out of our night of struggle
Can we see a ray of hope?
One pale thin ray
Reaching for the day…
We can build a beautiful city,
Yes we can, yes we can
We can build a beautiful city
Not a city of angels, but we can build a city of men.
We may not reach the ending
But we can start
Slowly but truly mending
Brick by brick heart by heart
Now maybe now we start learning how
We can build a beautiful city,
Yes we can, yes we can
We can build a beautiful city
Not a city of angels, but we can build a city of men.
When your trust is all but shattered
When your faith is all but killed
You can give up bitter and battered
Or you can slowly start to build….
We can build a beautiful city,
Yes we can, yes we can
We can build a beautiful city
Not a city of angels, but we can build a city of men.
I have worked on shows where the last show was the best because I knew I never had to do it again. I have worked on shows where I was sad to let go of a character – she had become a part of me somehow. Even now, thinking about it – some of them flash before me. Beehive- hitting that last pose in “Make Your Own Kind of Music” was a little sad. I loved those songs and I definitely loved the experience. “Tryshia” in The Last Session – as we sang “When You Care” I was filled with a lot of pain. I was moving just days later and changing my life forever. The man I loved (and still do) more than I could really express was by my side and I knew, just knew the world would never put us in that position again. Endings, beginnings…change.
Thank you first and foremost to pastorfriend™ for asking me along for the ride. To Eryn and Kacey, fellow travelers on the SB ™… thanks thanks and ever thanks – I never knew my theatre power could be used for good!
Thank you to the company (cast and band) – your journey was a pleasure to watch time and time again. I thank you for allowing me to be a part of ya’lls party.
This weekend, we bid adieu to the first show in the NCC Theater “Experiment”. I think it was a successful one and I look forward to seeing what God as planned for everyone involved. On to something new, people. We can do it, yes we can, yes we ca-an.
Godspell was a testimony, a trial, a teaching tool, a breakthrough, a small house of love built in the “Beautiful City”…
Out of the ruins and rubble
Out of the smoke
Out of our night of struggle
Can we see a ray of hope?
One pale thin ray
Reaching for the day…
We can build a beautiful city,
Yes we can, yes we can
We can build a beautiful city
Not a city of angels, but we can build a city of men.
We may not reach the ending
But we can start
Slowly but truly mending
Brick by brick heart by heart
Now maybe now we start learning how
We can build a beautiful city,
Yes we can, yes we can
We can build a beautiful city
Not a city of angels, but we can build a city of men.
When your trust is all but shattered
When your faith is all but killed
You can give up bitter and battered
Or you can slowly start to build….
We can build a beautiful city,
Yes we can, yes we can
We can build a beautiful city
Not a city of angels, but we can build a city of men.
Beautiful City, Gospell - Steven Schwartz
Sunday, April 08, 2007
I will baptize you in water...
There are moment you step into conciously aware that you will never be the same. You were in the process of moving from one major moment in your life to another before this moment - and this step forward, simple as it may seem, you are about to make a soul shift.
This is what was on my mind all day as I moved toward baptism. I did some shopping and I did some baking (see post above). All things to dne to relax myself. I ended the day wrapping some presents for some of the people who had been so important in getting me to this day. With minutes to spare, I made it to the coffeehouseolove (tm). The church asked the candidates for baptism to do a little pre service interview. I'm not sure what I said, but I hope I captured some of the reasons I was there for the camera.
The whole group of us being baptised that night gather to pray and PM joined us in a circle. It was then that the butterflies became hawks in my stomach. The "coolness" and the reality of what I was about to do were becoming overwhelming. I had to take my anti-anxiety med to get on the elevator to go down to the service. The truth of offering yourself and the life you know to God. Really accepting that the control that I wanted to have over my life - there is nothing about my life that is under my own control. The power is not mine. That frightens me... and relieves me. I dont have to carry the weight of the world. All I have to do is step out in faith. When pastorfriend (tm) asked who wanted to be first into the water... my hand shot up and I said " me". Madness, right? Wrong, miracle.
The Easter vigil service was fantastic. There were a lot of people at the service, the music was right on point and clearly reaching deep down in me like music does. PM gave a message that cut right to the heart of what I was thinking and feeling. A couple of days ago I posted about having " Great Expectations"... that was what much of his message was about. I was trembling with excitement and fear. It was so intense.
When PM started to talk about the baptism...my heart started racing. I was first. I was wearing my fancy baptism gear ( my lounge pants and a big Wal-Mart tee shirt). I stepped off of the chair I was in and headed toward the pool. It was really big. and it was sort of dark... there were candles all around ( I dont know if you know this, but um... fire? Another BIG fear of mine). I started to fall apart. I thought about giving in to the fear and the sadness... to go back the way I came. But the wall of faith blocked my path. My "godmothers" ( all newly equipped with wands) and the family of faith I had joined put thier hands on me. The raised me up... they spoke blessing into my life into my soul. One of my godmothers whispered into my ear " Let go.." With those two annointed words, the weight of the loving hands lifting me higher and the extended hands of pastorfriend (tm) and PM... I walked toward the pool and stepped in.
I declared my life of fear... and cast it out of existance. I proclaimed before God and his servants that I believe...and I accept the blessings. PM put his hand on the small of my back. I put my hand over my nose... closed my eyes and was plunged into the water. I felt like a hundred hands pushed me back out of the water. I felt launched into a new life. I came out trembling and a little disoriented. I dont really remember how I got out of the water.
What I do remember is that minutes later... I watch one of my dear friends declare her faith and the joy I felt for her reminded me of the joy I knew I was feeling about my own choice. God is good, people. I watched this girl be reborn... the light around her ... the change in her countenance - the hope in her heart! Halleluiah, people, halleluiah. This is what is all about - rebirth.
I was cold and soggy and weepy and freer than I had ever ever been. I am new. I am doing a new thing in my life. Everyday is a new chance. I have a resurrection spirit in me now. I can't wait to see what's next!
What happened after the ceremony? Another performance of Godspell... some barbeque chicken wings, some diet coke and big hunk of coconut Bunnycake (tm) - BTW... the head of the bunny cake FELL OFF during the evening... it looked like a scene from a Quentin Tarantino movie... LOL
Oh well...it was mad tasty yo...mmmm coconut.
This is what was on my mind all day as I moved toward baptism. I did some shopping and I did some baking (see post above). All things to dne to relax myself. I ended the day wrapping some presents for some of the people who had been so important in getting me to this day. With minutes to spare, I made it to the coffeehouseolove (tm). The church asked the candidates for baptism to do a little pre service interview. I'm not sure what I said, but I hope I captured some of the reasons I was there for the camera.
The whole group of us being baptised that night gather to pray and PM joined us in a circle. It was then that the butterflies became hawks in my stomach. The "coolness" and the reality of what I was about to do were becoming overwhelming. I had to take my anti-anxiety med to get on the elevator to go down to the service. The truth of offering yourself and the life you know to God. Really accepting that the control that I wanted to have over my life - there is nothing about my life that is under my own control. The power is not mine. That frightens me... and relieves me. I dont have to carry the weight of the world. All I have to do is step out in faith. When pastorfriend (tm) asked who wanted to be first into the water... my hand shot up and I said " me". Madness, right? Wrong, miracle.
The Easter vigil service was fantastic. There were a lot of people at the service, the music was right on point and clearly reaching deep down in me like music does. PM gave a message that cut right to the heart of what I was thinking and feeling. A couple of days ago I posted about having " Great Expectations"... that was what much of his message was about. I was trembling with excitement and fear. It was so intense.
When PM started to talk about the baptism...my heart started racing. I was first. I was wearing my fancy baptism gear ( my lounge pants and a big Wal-Mart tee shirt). I stepped off of the chair I was in and headed toward the pool. It was really big. and it was sort of dark... there were candles all around ( I dont know if you know this, but um... fire? Another BIG fear of mine). I started to fall apart. I thought about giving in to the fear and the sadness... to go back the way I came. But the wall of faith blocked my path. My "godmothers" ( all newly equipped with wands) and the family of faith I had joined put thier hands on me. The raised me up... they spoke blessing into my life into my soul. One of my godmothers whispered into my ear " Let go.." With those two annointed words, the weight of the loving hands lifting me higher and the extended hands of pastorfriend (tm) and PM... I walked toward the pool and stepped in.
I declared my life of fear... and cast it out of existance. I proclaimed before God and his servants that I believe...and I accept the blessings. PM put his hand on the small of my back. I put my hand over my nose... closed my eyes and was plunged into the water. I felt like a hundred hands pushed me back out of the water. I felt launched into a new life. I came out trembling and a little disoriented. I dont really remember how I got out of the water.
What I do remember is that minutes later... I watch one of my dear friends declare her faith and the joy I felt for her reminded me of the joy I knew I was feeling about my own choice. God is good, people. I watched this girl be reborn... the light around her ... the change in her countenance - the hope in her heart! Halleluiah, people, halleluiah. This is what is all about - rebirth.
I was cold and soggy and weepy and freer than I had ever ever been. I am new. I am doing a new thing in my life. Everyday is a new chance. I have a resurrection spirit in me now. I can't wait to see what's next!
What happened after the ceremony? Another performance of Godspell... some barbeque chicken wings, some diet coke and big hunk of coconut Bunnycake (tm) - BTW... the head of the bunny cake FELL OFF during the evening... it looked like a scene from a Quentin Tarantino movie... LOL
Oh well...it was mad tasty yo...mmmm coconut.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Bunny Cake Saturday
What could be a better way to shift some of the nervous energy that I have for tonight? Um, baking a bunny cake. What is this bunny cake that you speak of? I am glad you asked ! :)
It's a cake baked in an aluminum pan shaped like a 3D rabbit. No joke ya'll...two halves put together to form a bunny.
I got up this am and put on my Betty Crocker hat and set to mixing and baking. I'm at the half way point in the process... The cakes are baked and cooling. I'm having some tea and chatting with my mom. Next up the creative part ! I will be slathering the cakes in either chocolate icing or white icing. The white bunny becomes a coconut cake- looks like a "furry" bunny.
If I remember to take a photo, ill post it so you can see the glory that is the bunnycake (tm). In case you can't even imagine it, here is a great article with a picture of a finished cake.
My aunt, who was the keeper of the bunny pan until recently, happily announced today that she has a Santa Pan as well if I am interested ... we'll see boys and girls, we'll see...
It's a cake baked in an aluminum pan shaped like a 3D rabbit. No joke ya'll...two halves put together to form a bunny.
I got up this am and put on my Betty Crocker hat and set to mixing and baking. I'm at the half way point in the process... The cakes are baked and cooling. I'm having some tea and chatting with my mom. Next up the creative part ! I will be slathering the cakes in either chocolate icing or white icing. The white bunny becomes a coconut cake- looks like a "furry" bunny.
If I remember to take a photo, ill post it so you can see the glory that is the bunnycake (tm). In case you can't even imagine it, here is a great article with a picture of a finished cake.
My aunt, who was the keeper of the bunny pan until recently, happily announced today that she has a Santa Pan as well if I am interested ... we'll see boys and girls, we'll see...
Friday, April 06, 2007
Okay I could NOT resist...
One of my favorite people in the world posted this photo on his 
blog.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present - The Easter Barry!!!
For more Barry madness check out his blog: idolbybarry.blogspot.com.
blog.Ladies and Gentlemen, I present - The Easter Barry!!!
For more Barry madness check out his blog: idolbybarry.blogspot.com.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Thursday of this special week...
Tonight we gather at the coffeehouseolove (tm) for another performance o f Godspell . It's been an amazing and transformative experience. It solidfied what I thought might be my true feelings about my life at NCC. That I might have a found a church home. So OF COURSE I have the perfect song for that...
This one is dedicated to NCC and the coffehouseolove (tm)
Home - from the musical The Wiz
When I think of home
I think of a place where there's love overflowing
I wish I was home
I wish I was back there, with the things I been knowing
Wind that makes the tall trees bend into leaning
Suddenly the snowflakes that fall have a meaning
Sprinklin' the scene, makes it all clean
Maybe there's a chance for me to go back there
Now that I have some direction
It would sure be nice to be back home
Where there's love and affection
And just maybe I can convince time to slow up
Giving me enough time in my life to grow up
Time be my friend, let me start again
Suddenly my world has changed it's face
But I still know where I'm going
I have had my mind spun around in space
And yet I've watched it growing
If you're list'ning God
Please don't make it hard to knowIf we should believe in the things that we see
Tell us, should we run away
Should we try and stay
Or would it be better just to let things be?
Living here, in this brand new world
Might be a fantasy
But it taught me to love
So it's real, real to me
And I've learned
That we must look inside our hearts
To find a world full of love
Like yours...
Like mine...
Like home...
This one is dedicated to NCC and the coffehouseolove (tm)
Home - from the musical The Wiz
When I think of home
I think of a place where there's love overflowing
I wish I was home
I wish I was back there, with the things I been knowing
Wind that makes the tall trees bend into leaning
Suddenly the snowflakes that fall have a meaning
Sprinklin' the scene, makes it all clean
Maybe there's a chance for me to go back there
Now that I have some direction
It would sure be nice to be back home
Where there's love and affection
And just maybe I can convince time to slow up
Giving me enough time in my life to grow up
Time be my friend, let me start again
Suddenly my world has changed it's face
But I still know where I'm going
I have had my mind spun around in space
And yet I've watched it growing
If you're list'ning God
Please don't make it hard to knowIf we should believe in the things that we see
Tell us, should we run away
Should we try and stay
Or would it be better just to let things be?
Living here, in this brand new world
Might be a fantasy
But it taught me to love
So it's real, real to me
And I've learned
That we must look inside our hearts
To find a world full of love
Like yours...
Like mine...
Like home...
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Great Expectations
I'm sitting in a computer training and I'm rather distracted. I've been challenged by a question - an invitation. It seemd rather simple " Would you like to be baptized?" It was actually something I had been thinking about for a few months. Initially, I thought it would be a good way to really solidify my walk as a Christian.
Last Sunday, I went to a meeting about baptism. I figured I would get some good information, I could process it and make a decision - slipping easily into the event. During the meeting I was so convicted and so disturbed that I felt physically ill. The feeling was akin to the fear and depression that had been a part of my life for many many years. I withdrew from the meeting emotionally and fell deeper and deeper into that " old space". I couldn't talk to anyone or adequately explain what was happening. I just wanted to go home.
I didn't though. I stayed and tried to let some people inside my pain. That was so new for me, I was in a new place - I had to do a new thing. The people around me as of late have really been pulling for me. There is no agenda for thier love. They have true love of God and that is the source of thier love for me. They only want what God wants for me. That is so amazing and so scary . I know that I am coming at all of this from a damaged place. I have dwelled in a place where hurt people hurt each other for sport. A place where there is no trust, only fear and anxiety and hate and hurt. I know I dont want that anymore.
But I stuggle with accepting His love. The love of God through His son, Jesus Christ. I spent all day Monday in a fog. I went to bed early, exhausted by the strain of trying to stay upright when all I wanted to do was lay down and cry. I woke up on Tuesday, feeling better - a little less "pressed". I was even able to praise during the day and pray at night.
My pastorfriend (tm) gave me an assignment on Tuesday. To read the book of Ephesians straight through and then re-read it marking each time the phrase "in Him", "in Christ" or " in Jesus" appeared. This exercise was really really helpful. It showed me who I was in Christ and has given me a guidepost, a buoy in this stormy sea I am in right now. I have had many battles to fight internally. I know this one isnt over and it isnt the last one. The emeny has had a stronghold on me for a long long time.
I have always felt " called". That sense that there was always a loving hand reaching out to me. I wont bore you with the details of each encounter, but there have been many false starts on the broken road. I have often let the world or whatever step in between me and God.
On Saturday night, I will be taking a public leap of faith. I will set off on a new fork in the broken road. I will be rededicated to the Lord in a full immersion baptism. For anyone who knows me, the fact that I would 1. be so public and 2. go into water voluntarily is HUGE.
I dont feel quite worthy of this second chance. This opportunity. But... I've been given the invitation. I know this is the time and the place. I dont want to live with the regret of not taking chances anymore.
I'm petrified and blessed. I'm going to do it no matter what I feel. I am doing a new thing in my life.
Now, what does one wear to a full immersion baptism?
" ... we've been invited by the Son
we've been invited to come and
Believe the unbelieveable
Concieve the inconcievable
and see beyond our wildest imaginations...
Lord we come with great expectations..."
- Steven Curtis Chapman, Great Expectations
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Repositoning song of the day
The Remedy - Ayiesha Woods
A little too much time on your hands
So many things pressing your heart
Now you're caught up in a brain storm
And the winds are tearing you apart
And what matter the most now
Shouldn't matter at all
You forgot who's holding you up
And He won't let you fall
Who's in control of your life
And knows better than you ever will
Who tells you time and again
Hush and be still
It's time to recognize
That your answer in His eyes
Where the river flows
If you'll just Free your mind
And the peace of God will follow
Just give yourself a little time
Don't worry 'bout tomorrow
Don't you know that His joy is your strength
Can you fathom it
Peace beyond your understanding
When you gonna grab a hold of it
Cause you're life's not your own
You can't do it alone
There is a remedy if you will let go and just...
Free your mind
And the peace of God will follow
Just give yourself a little time
Don't worry 'bout tomorrow
Don't you know just thinking about it, Ain't gonna add one hour
Tell me who's in control...
A little too much time on your hands
So many things pressing your heart
Now you're caught up in a brain storm
And the winds are tearing you apart
And what matter the most now
Shouldn't matter at all
You forgot who's holding you up
And He won't let you fall
Who's in control of your life
And knows better than you ever will
Who tells you time and again
Hush and be still
It's time to recognize
That your answer in His eyes
Where the river flows
If you'll just Free your mind
And the peace of God will follow
Just give yourself a little time
Don't worry 'bout tomorrow
Don't you know that His joy is your strength
Can you fathom it
Peace beyond your understanding
When you gonna grab a hold of it
Cause you're life's not your own
You can't do it alone
There is a remedy if you will let go and just...
Free your mind
And the peace of God will follow
Just give yourself a little time
Don't worry 'bout tomorrow
Don't you know just thinking about it, Ain't gonna add one hour
Tell me who's in control...
Monday, April 02, 2007
This captures what is on my mind today.
Praise you in this storm - Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
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