big yellow jeep

...caused me to really lose my cool...

I was dropping a friend off at the metro station and we were stuck in some unexpected traffic downtown. A big yellow jeep pulls out in the middle of the street - kitty cornered, blocking me. I honked my horn - the man in the jeep looked at me with this incredulous look. As if I had the nerve to suggest that what he did was improper. He then began to hurl insults and slurs and hand gestures at me. In fact, all of the seven people crammed into his jeep did so. The finest of the slurs came from a suited gentleman who had an equally delightful young woman on his lap. " You fat... " and frankly I dont know what he said after that. When you hurl the "F" word at me all bets are off.

I shot an ugly look at him and stated " I'm fat but you're an a$%hole... I can lose weight!" While it amused and soothed my friend and I, it was not even heard by the jerksinthejeep (tm). What good did it do? It just fueled anger and shame in me. Anger that these jerkoffs think they can come into my city and do whatever they feel like 'cuz they are white, young and well off. Anger that this man took a personal aspect of me...my fat... and used it as a weapon. But most of all, anger that off all the bootyhead things he did...calling me fat was the worst thing to me. Shame that I didnt take the high road and turn the other cheek. Shame that I am fat. That I do have something that some toadstool can use against me.

Being fat has been a part of my life since I was 10 years old. It's not like it is new. This week however, it has taken it's toll on me. Physically, I am wearing down. My joints are giving out on me. They just cant carry what I have put on them. My soul feels like its giving out too. I sort of dont feel like doing this anymore. But I dont feel like I have the strength to do anything about it. There is so much out of my control right now - food is about all that is giving me any pleasure anymore. Not being able to eat as I please makes me sad. Even thinking about it makes me sad.

So I feel shame. and anger. I'm not mad at those dumb people. I am mad at my own reaction. I am ashamed of my inability to fight my base instincts.

I'm gonna go pray on this and try to get over it before rehearsal tommorrow.

I really need a vacation.