Uh...

Been sick all day.

Bad sick.

Still feel icky, but made plans to hang out with my sister and our friend Melody tonight.

Hope I last till midnight.

Last One at the Party...

After the rehearsal and the costume shopping...

I hopped in Mistress Quickly and headed north to Glen Burnie, MD. My friends were having a holiday open house and I was rushing to make it before - oh I dont know - New Years Day. Due to the arrival of the late President Ford, traffic is snarled. The trip takes me almost two hours. By them time I get there it is close to 8pm. I sit in my car for five minutes and get my head together. I am wound up and nervous. I am not sure why.

As I head up the walk the door opens and old friends come out. Thier baby is with them and is so adorable. She has big bright eyes and is so alert. This is the moment I would usually have some baby lust... but funnily enough, there's none there. Just an " awww". Also some relief because I find that there arent a lot of people in the house. Just the hosts and one of my favorite people in the world. No one who expects me to be anything but me :)

So I go in and we sit and chat for a few hours. The conversation is good and laughs are abundant. I hope to spend more time with them in the new year.

On my way home my stomach starts to hurt. It's a wierd kind of pain - sharp and new. I've never felt this before. I know about about to have an " episode" but it seems like it's gonna be a bad one.

I don't even know what to say.

At the Salvation Army Store...

Me: How come you never asked me out?

Him: What?

Me: How come you never asked me out?

Him: I would never want to hurt you. I care about you too much. I'm no good for anyone, really. I only go out with people who dont want anything from me - that way they arent disappointed.

Rehearsal

It's the first time I have been back to the dinner theatre since I went to NYC. The show is better, but still clunky. The director doesn't seem to be able to pull the best out of this company. Sometimes I think his need to be liked supercedes is role as a director. That was a lesson I learned a long time ago. You cant always be best buds with the company if you want to direct a good show. Sometimes you just have to be a jerk ( or least they think you are a jerk).

Dinner Theatre is an odd community. The actors are directors, designers, techies, actors, fans, critics and enemies. Relationships overlap and that causes all sorts of blurred lines. The Susan is a prime example of that. On the one hand, it is great because you have the opportunity to do all sorts of things.... but on the other hand, the management expects you to do everything too. Complicated, right?

I say this because after the rehearsal the director, one of the actresses in the show and I have been doing costumes for the show. Pulling and sewing and buying. So after the rehearsal, I was tagging and making a punch and shop list with the director. Who has attention deficit. So he was flitting back and forth. and it was really tough for him to concentrate. and I wanted to stab him.

We trekked off to the Salvation Army store and picked up some stuff and I think he is pleased with what he has. That's good, cuz I was tired and over it for the day.

I got Soul!!!

I went and had a Day O' Beauty at the Soul Day Spa and Salon here in DC. It's located near Howard University and it is about 10 minutes from my house. The place is great!

I was greeted by a lovely receptionist and escorted downstairs to have my nails and toes done. They offered me tea right away and lots of magazines. The person doing my nails was really sweet and kept offering me magazines. I was totally in the zone and didnt really need to have anything to read. I was sort of contemplating life and saying little prayers of thanksgiving.

The waxing tech was lovely - she made me laugh and although she smelled a little like cigarettes, she did a good job. My eyebrows look great ;)

After all that, I went upstairs to go get my hair done. I was planning to just get my hair trimmed and shaped. The sylists convinced me to get it pressed and styled. It looks real nice. It's so soft and long.

I went home and my mom was very happy to see my straight hair ( she's go hung up on it). She was shocked when I told her that there were no chemicals. That it was just blown out and pressed. All those years of putting chemicals in and doing damage and my hair looks just as lovely without them.

I miss my curls though. ;)

I will totally go back to the spa -it's a great place and so close!

What's My Lion?

No, it's not a new game show on Animal Planet. It's a question that I am now grappling with after finishing up Pastor Mark Batterson's In A Pit With A Lion On A Snowy Day. PM's second book, hit me right where I live. As anyone who knows me or has been following this blog will know, I am constantly dealing with my fear. It is the biggest issue in my life. I find that fear has stopped me from pursuing most of the dreams I have ever had for my life.

This book challenges you to face the fear, face the "Lions" in your life. PM's easy, humorous style makes the book a relatively fast read. His relativism and acute populist vocabulary brings the revelations to life. I was convicted after reading chapters like " Unlearning Your Fears" and "The Importance of Looking Foolish" to make some new choices for myself.

This was the perfect book to read just before the new year. I reccomend it to everyone who is seeking and everyone who thinks they have already found it all.

Now I have to figure out which Lion to chase first.

Roar!

Saying goodbye to the most sampled man in Music History

James Brown laid in repose at the Apollo Theatre in New York City today. He will be laid to rest tomorrow in GA. I know it might not seem like something I would blog about, but music is a very important part of my life. The soundtrack to my life does indeed include a couple of Mr. Brown exclaimations.

His influence on modern music cannot go un remarked by me, you hear him in every hot dance beat in every Rap song and every twitch of every boy band ever created. The evolution of Funk , Soul and R&B can be traced direcetly to the work of James Brown.

When the procession... that white horse drawn carriage on 125th street...pulled up to the theatre, the crowd just enfolded him. What an image! His presence and influence was so apparent - vibrant and vivid in that moment.

My Dad was big James Brown fan. He loved the outragousness. He respected the genius of his music. I know that Dicky is in crowd welcoming "The Godfather of Soul" at the gates.

Rest in Peace.

Gonna get me some Soul.

My wonderfulwonderful young friend, Sir Fabulous Himself gave me a gift certificate for the Soul Day Spa here in Washington, DC. My sister gave me hair care products, a great hairdryer and some accessories. I get it, I get it! Fix my hair!

I have been thinking for a while that my hair is in need of help and I was too lazy and unwilling to do anything about it. However, since I decided that I would be taking better care of myself in 2007... I thought I should get the jump on it and get my hair did. I made an appointment for a cut and blow out, mani and pedi for Friday. Which is just in time for the new year and tech week of the dinner theatre show. ( I totally forgot about that!)

Ah well, back to the court shows...

Size 12 is Not Fat

I read this totally fun book today, Size 12 is Not Fat by Meg Cabot ( of Princess Diaries fame). This s a " grown up" book, but has the same quirkly girl style to it. It's a harlequin romance meets Nancy Drew, meets US magazine. The heroine is a slightly zaftig former pop star named Heather Wells. Due to circumstances beyond her control she ends up having to get a " real" job as an assistant director at college residence hall. The fun ensues when, sadly a young girl ends up dead in the dorm. Heather is everywoman and her food cravings and life musing are hilarious. This was a totally enjoyable and frothy good time. I am going out tomorrow and getting the next book Size 14 is Not Fat Either

Goodbye TBND

The Boy Next Door's phone number is no longer in service.

I'm done.

He goes in the "Men like Robert" pile - too messed up to mess with.

Plugging back in at NCC

Was back at NCC for the first time in a few weeks. It felt good to be home, you know? PM's message was spot on for me. He talked about how sometimes it feels like your in the "wrong " story. As if God has dropped you into the wrong place at the wrong time. His ultimate example? The Christmas story - totally miscast, right? Like, if you were putting together a cast for that story...would you pick a 14 year old uneducated girl for the leading lady? It was a great way to really think through the story.

We always try to write our own story. It's as if we know better than God how our lives should turn out. Which is where we get into trouble. Or at least where I do. I was convicted in that message. It was a tap on the shoulder - the the tap that I got singing in NYC. I am not in control of everything, no matter what I think. LOL

I am grateful for the challenges that PM is inspired to give us. I have never felt more connected to a faith community. I have never felt more connected to God. I am blessed and humbled. It's the best present I could ever have gotten for Christmas.

The Holiday Update (long post)

Happy Holidays…whatever you celebrate at this time of year, from Togetherness Day to Winter Solstice, I bring you tidings of great joy!

Another year in review :)

Winter… It began with a loss, my dear friend John Charles Gonzales Stanley passed away on January 18th after battling cancer. He was a brilliant light in my life and I miss him all the time.

In January and February I costumed two shows for area theatres and actually got reviewed in the Washington Post. Neato! Maybe I should be a costumer….

Spring, I joined a small group at the church I am attending, National Community Church. It was called Alpha and it was a great way to “plug in” to the community. It gave me an opportunity to meet other people in the church and to discuss some of the more difficult questions I was having about my faith. It was a wonderful, prayerful time and I would recommend it to anyone who is searching. Toward the end of the Alpha course, I had a car accident. The car sustained major damager and was in the car hospital for several weeks. I too sustained some damage – a ruptured ligament in my hand, which required surgery and cast for two months. Which was particularly fun as I opened a production of Beehive, the 60’s Musical at the Lazy Susan Dinner Theatre.

Summer… The lovely ladies I worked with were so supportive as I struggled with being one handed for the first few weeks of the run. The show was a LOT of fun! I got to wear some great costumes – a beehive wig and a long purple gown being two of my favorites. I sang some great tunes from the girl groups of the 60’s. The ladies I worked with were a blast. I took a jaunt in early summer to Chicago to see a terrific production of Henry IV, parts one and two at the Chicago Shakespeare Theatre. Jeffrey Carlson was stupendous in it and I can’t wait to see him in Hamlet in DC this summer. It was a lovely trip and Chicago, I think, is at its best in late spring/ early summer.

Fall… Beehive really took up a lot of time for me and I received increased responsibility at work. It’s been a challenge and a very busy time. I was working on one too many projects and not taking very good care of myself. I ended up in the hospital for a day and in bed for a week right after the dinner theatre show closed. It didn’t help that I was rehearsing a reading in Baltimore, costuming the men for the musical at the dinner theatre, fighting a cold and oh did I mention increased responsibility at work? Yeah, I made a mess of October.

The Holidays… It started off terrific with a Michael W. Smith Christmas concert at Strathmore in Rockville, MD. This hall has the best acoustics I have ever experienced! I have been working on the next show at the Susan, in a low impact Assistant Director capacity. I feel very honored that I was asked by my friend and cabaret guru, Lennie Watts to perform in one of series of benefit cabaret shows this Holiday Season. Thank goodness my dear Steven was at the piano or I would have simply been a puddle, as opposed to the quivering mess that I was! I am looking forward to having a week to myself at the end of the year to gather my thoughts, catch my breath and give thanks for the blessings past, present and future.

Looking forward… 2007 is already shaping up to be a whopper! I will be performing in a cabaret show God on Broadway and January 26, 2007. It will be at Ebenezer’s Coffeehouse – owned and operated by my church, NCC. It’s a great exploration of faith using songs from Broadway shows. I am also working on the artistic team for another special project at NCC… the musical Godspell will be produced in the Spring of 2007. I am very excited about that and I can’t wait to see what develops in the process. I am sure there will be more theatre in 2007 and I am hoping to do a solo cabaret show in New York and DC. Other than that…who knows! I am blessed and happy to be in the universe these days.

I hope that this year has been a year of growth and blessing for you. My prayer for you is that love and faith sustain you all the days of your life. If y’all get a chance, keep in touch.

May tomorrow be a perfect day,
May you find love and laughter along the way,
May God keep you in His tender care…
‘till He brings us together again.

Okay Okay...

So the party wasnt that bad.

I did have to take the pills to get there and I held up the wall for an hour or so. Then, I sort of hid in the corner for a bit. Then I relaxed.

The worst thing that you can give to an office party is a karaoke machine and alcohol, that is all I am going to say about that.

One of my "podmates" played an awesome joke on me. He kept telling people that I was going to sing " Feliz Navidad". Whaaaat?!?!?! He got about 20 people to ask me- it was hilarious!

I didnt eat any of the food, but it looked okay. I had a couple of cokes and talked to the people I like from work ( see rant - I was right).

I got a chance to speak to my office crush. I wish I knew a way to tell him that I like him and would like to get to know him better. But, as usual, I am a feardy cat and dont say what I need say when I need to say it.

I'm just glad that I got through the party in one piece. :)

You know what I hate? - warning HUGE RANT

I hate being forced into something.

I hate being forced into social situations.

I hate being told what a good time I will have if I go.

I just hate it.

And that is why I am pouting... I have just been ordered to go to the Holiday party at Ye Olde. " Just sashay in and give out some air kisses."

Ugh.

These are some of the most un natural events known to man.

I dont want to be friends with most of the people at Ye Olde. I'll be nice and I'll be friendly - but can I at least have my evenings free?

If I want to be your friend, you'll know it... we wont have to bond at a freeking Christmas party!!!!!!

I hate it hate it hate it.

I hate being asked if I am going to sing karaoke ( HELL NO I AM NOT GOING TO SING FOR YOU DRUNK JERKS).

Can't you just give me a 20.00 gift card instead? It would be a much merrier occasion for me.

For those of you who dont know, I have a pretty serious social anxiety issue. I will have to take medication to go to this event. I will now spend the next four hours stewing about it and trying not to be mean to lovely people who just want me to have a good time.

I will also try really hard not to be bitter and angry towards the person who started this internal rant. I know that I am his prized pig and he wants to show me off. It makes him look better if I am at this party shucking and jiving - it shows how happy his part of the farm is if the big pig squeals at the Christmas party.

Well sooooueee and F*&^ you. Hope I dont crash my car on the way home after being hopped up on Xanax to get through a freeking holiday party.

oink.

The best of a New York Sunday...

We rolled out of bed and checked out the luxurious Red Roof Inn and went back into the city. I had made reservations for Julie, Liz and I at Thalia ( Liz and I had seen it it on a Rachael Ray show and decided we had to eat there). We arrived in town with enough time to walk up Broadway and take in the sights. Times Square is always a trip. We walked up to music mecca Colony Records. I was so inspired by the show the day before I set about getting some new music to work on.

Brunch was superb! Liz had the most lovely looking french toast, Julie had the pankcakes - fluffy and delightful and I had the savory deliciousness that was the frittata - Yum O! ( you knew I had to say it)

The Ladies and I did a little shopping on 9th Ave and headed to the theatre for the matinee of High Fidelity. I ran into a couple of people I knew, including the Company Manager of the show. I didn't realize that it was the closing day of the show... oops.

About the play, it's so specific... you have to have seen the movie and been a product of the 1980's for it to mean anything at all to you. I can see why it didnt have a long shelf life. But I had a good time.

Anyhoo-after the show we gathered our bags and gave our best to MoMo. We travelled down the road back to DC - tired but happy. It was a GREAT GREAT weekend and I look forward to many more in 2007.

What Chou lookin' at?

After the big show...

I took some pictures with my peeps. I realized that I didnt have any current pictures with my NY family. I miss them a lot and I want to have some snaps of them at my office and stuff ( and as soon as I get them downloaded a few up here too ;) ). Then Barry, Marty, Julie, Liz and I went to dinner. We had yummy Italian food at Patsy's in Chelsea and then stepped next door for Choux - puff pastry french japanese style ! Liz and I were so excited by it that we bought a dozen!!!! After purchasing our pastry, we headed back to Jersey. We devoured choux after choux and then fell into a choux coma... well not really, but we were definately really full of choux.

Liz tried to go to sleep, but I knew that Justin Timberlake was on SNL so I was game to see if he would be as funny as he was the last time. He did NOT dissapoint. The highlight of course was the short with JT and the Sandberg kid, " D&^% in a Box" funnay.

I fell asleep laughing.

Rehearsal... and showtime!

Okay, so I walk up 22nd street on my way to the benefit rehearsal. I've never been to this place so I dont know what side of street it's on. I am still pretty keyed up from the cabbie interaction. I even pull out my phone - I was trying to call MoMo and my sister in the cab and yell about the cabbie. Fortunately, the call didnt connect.

I saw the marquee accross the street and crossed. My stomach dropped and my hands started to sweat. I felt completely unprepared. I felt sick. But I crossed the street, opened the door and went in. There was a friendly face at the host stand so we chatted a little while. Over her shoulder, I saw my beloved Steven at the piano rehearsing with someone else on the bill. He gave me a wink and and tried to make that enough to calm me down. I paced and went to the ladies room and paced some more and ate about 20 cough drops. Lennie arrived and teased me and we caught up a little.Then it was my turn to rehearse. I got up on the stage and I sang my songs and really shoud be more confident. Steeven gave me the " youre crazy but I love you" look as I got swallowed up in neurosis. After I finished singing through, I felt a little better. I knew the Holiday song better than I thought I did. I wrote out the words and went downstairs to change.

Putting on one of my "singing" dresses and some of my "power pumps" from work gave me a boost. Some of the other people on the bill said some nice to me too, boosted my ego. We waited a while and then went upstairs and sat on the side to watch each other perform.

It was really neat. The bill was great and varied... some were a little odd, some were funny and some were - me! When I got up there to do my thing, I was shaking, despite that, I hit " I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For?" pretty hard and pretty well :). Then I stumbled a little on "Don't Save It All For Christmas Day", but I cleaned up at the end and I think I was well recieved. I was glad that Barry, Marty, Julie and my Sis were able to see the show.

The most important thing that happened thought, was that the fire for singing was rekindled. I feel like God gave me this opportunity to give me a little tap on my shoulder. I hear you, God - I'm listening.

The Stuff That Happened Before.

My sister and I met MoMo in the city on the delightful and shi shi lishious Upper West Side and we had lunch at O'Neals. I had the best olive rolls there. They were salty and warm and sooooo awesome with butter. Since we didnt have breakfast, I decided to have a big-ish lunch. I had a steak sandwhich... I thought it was going to be along the lines of a steak um or a Philly cheesesteak - but it was hunk of steak. It took a lot work but I made it through ;). I was very proud of myself I was able to articulate my feelings of fear about the performance. Instead of bottling up my feelings, I simply said to my lunch companions was "I feel like skipping the whole thing... I'm too scared to do this." It made me feel so much better to just say it out loud.

After lunch, we hopped a cab and set out downtown for the Metropolitan Room. I had a rehearsal before the big to do. The cabbie gave me hard time about the door handle when we got in the cab and it just made cranky (one of usual manifestations nervousness). The trip was short, but I got to see where MoMo works. It's near the Flatiron building, a NYC landmark. When I got out of the cab, I struggled with the door again and he yelled at me. This time, I yelled back. My sister and MoMo stayed in the cab - they headed further South to the Union Square Holiday Market. My sister was looking for a unique gift for one of her good girlfriends and MoMo wanted to visit the market - she had been to all the other Holiday Markets in town :). Apparently, when I got out of the cab MoMo and my sister gave this guy heck about his berating me. Gotta love the girls!

Destination New York

My sister and I hit the road for NYC... We took her car, truck, SUV thing, she calls "Blue Boy". She drove us out of DC and up 295 to Balitmore, we stopped for a little Chik-fil-A and shopping trip to get some "provisions". She drove us to New Jersey and at the first stop on the turnpike and then I took over on the road. I thought I was being all smooth and cool driving up to the city. I had done it a million times before and I had even been to the hotel before. So why was it that I overshot the place by like 10 miles! I was at the George Washington Bridge - almost where I used to live in the city. Eventually, we made it to the hotel, the lovely Red Roof Inn in Secaucus we turned on the TV , had some snacks, giggled and made plans for the next day.
Awesome.

Oh, Sidebar...

I think it is interesting and telling that I turned down a project a week or so ago and I havent heard from my friend who asked since then. Sometimes I feel my value as a friend is solely based in what I can do for them.

Five minutes from enlightenment.
( probably the name of my next cabaret show...lol)

Five Minutes from True Love.

Sometimes I am five minutes too late. Sometimes I have waited five minutes too long. If I could just wait five minutes love would be here.

Television tells me that only skinny white women have dates. My personal experience tells me that gay guys find true love and women always compromise. Other women.

Because when I compromise, I still don't get what I want. When I stand my ground I dont get what I want. When I wait, it doesnt comes to me. When I let it go, it doesnt comes back. It was never mine, right? When I pray, I feel relaxed and redeemed, but alone. Am I five minutes from solitude?

So, i'll go to bed alone, wake up alone - put on the mask and put on the show. Does it matter? I guess i'll always be five minutes from knowing.

This stemmed from a survey of ex boyfriends and flirtations... names and pictures of people who have "loved" me and a promise to call at 9pm from TBND. ( it's 12:30am... should I wait five more minutes?...LOL)

Who will wait five minutes for me?

Genna, thy name is PROCRASTINATION

It's 11pm, the night before a trip and what am I doing? Well aside from blogging... washing clothes, printing sheet music... all stuff that should have been done hours ago or days ago. I knew what I was going to sing, why didnt I print the music? And now the program has eaten one of my songs so Im either going to have to buy a U2 songbook tomorrow or pray that they have one at Colony mere hours before the show. I dont think I have done the right loads of laundry!

Meanwhile, I friend just told me her travelling companion for a trip to Europe has already packed... the trip is in two weeks! Come on! It's just not natural to be that organized...or to not want to wear all your faves in the two weeks before a trip.

I dunno...but that paralysis that comes over me when I have too much to do is starting to sink in. Maybe i'll make myself feel worse by calling TBND who said he would call me two hours ago. Boys suck... packing sucks... I think I'll eat a cookie.

Just another day at Ye Olde...

This is one of the difficulties about working here. Working here.

No really, my boss and I play this game, or rather, my boss plays this game with me. I ask for time off...he tortures me and then gives it to me.

Perhaps it's my Catholic upbringing...but I always feel guilty about taking time off. So I wait, and I hesitate and I dont take it. I was asked a few weeks ago about my holiday plans. The email came and a wave a dread washed over me like Tsunami. I ignored it. Then I realized, that if I didn't say anything I was going to end up bitterly sitting at my desk during the four days I wanted off. So, I sent the email.

It was responded to by a snarky " why didn't you ask me earlier and who is going to do your job when yorue not here" email. To which I blew my top. I went down to the executive wing ... I dont know what I thought I was going to do...tattle I suppose, like a little girl. Then I started writing a scathing email - which I knew would only cause my confusion and tension. I simply replied to him and said - we need to talk.

So we went into an empty office and I told him I hated that I felt this way everytime I wanted some time off. He flipped his game and started telling me how I needed to take the time - I was owed the time and how I should get over feeling guilty.

I went back to my pod feeling like a hamster in a hamsterball. My boss likes to see me run in circles. He loves to make sure I know who is in control. I wish I was more Machiavellian and could really use my " powers" to destroy his perfect world. But I cannot, so I sit here - with my days off... but feeling a little less strong, a little less good about myself, a little more ashamed of the way I allow people to treat me.

Score one for the bad guys.

Sometimes when we touch...

Last night I was sitting in my bed, in the dark and an overwhelming need to connect came over me. I grabbed my phone and I scrolled through the names. It was late, so tried Beloved, hoping that he was between shows or on his way home. He picked up right away. Almost instantly I started to cry. I dont even know why - perhaps I missed him...perhaps I just needed a a good cry.

I told him I was very ambivelent about coming to the city this weekend to sing. He, of course, asked me why. I couldnt answer. I simply said " I really want to and I am really afraid to and it would be so much easier if I just stayed home."

He said, " You need to sing. I miss your voice." and I knew I could do nothing but make the arrangements to go to NYC this weekend.

I know that there is more music in my future in 2007. I know it is past time to sing. I feel the pull once more. I don't know whether that is a pull back to the city or a pull to perform. Either way, I will follow the pull and see where it leads me. Or see where He leads me...

Precious Lord, take my hand
Lead me on, help me stand
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn
Through the storm,
Through the night
Lead me on, to the light
Take my hand, precious Lord... and lead me home.

Research Paper

In order to get into grad school I have submit a scholarly article or research paper. I havent done work like that in about 15 years. So, its a little scary.

I dont have a topic. Any ideas?

I did it.

I said no to something. It was the bravest thing I have done in a long time. I really wanted to do it, but I am determined not to overload myself like I did in October and adding this one project would put me darned near close to the work load I was at before I got sick. This is a good thing. I was able to say no and say why.

Why do I feel crappy about it?

I don't know what to think.

Okay, so last night I was all about cleaning up my food intake and I drove through Mickey D's for breakfast this morning. I'm weak - so sue me.

I also decided to get the whole Boy Next door thing out of my system. I felt like I needed some answers so I asked for them. I left him a message and said " look if you dont want to see me anymore, cool - just tell me why so I dont make the same mistake again" I even gave him a time he could call to assure that I wouldnt answer the phone.

He called back five minutes later.

The first words out of his mouth were " I love you." The screaming in my head started after that so I cant really tell you what was said after that.

I dont understand people. I especially dont understand men people.

I do understand that the only thing I will ever be able to control is myself and my reactions to things. I am learning the lessons... I just dont like them.

Give Me A Voice

I am singing in a benefit cabaret in New York City next weekend. I both thrilled and terrfied to be a part of this project. Although I spent three months singing my face off ( as my darling intern would say), it wasnt for people who meant anything to me. I know that doesn't sound nice, but it's true. They were punters you know, people who paid thier money and wanted a hot meal and some people to sing for them.

The audience for this show is both fans of cabaret, and fans of the other people on the bill. They are New Yorkers so they expect a lot for thier 25$. Im sure I am overthinking this, as usual but it has given me pause for thought.

I have changed my songs about four times. I tried to get feedback from "beloved" but he wont call me back ( hmm is this just a pattern in my life ?"men who dont call and the women who love them on the next Oprah") So, I am going up there with two Christmas songs and I pray that will be good enough.

Ok, Ill stop worrying about it for now..

If youre in New York and you want to see neurosis in action ;) come see me in " Give me a Voice" a benefit for Oprah's Angel Network at the Metropolitan Room 34 West 22 ( between 5/6) Saturday, December 16 5:00pm. For more information

Saturday, December 16th at 5:00 PM

"Give Me A 'Holiday' Voice"

25 Cover + 2 Beverage Minimum

Hosted by Lennie Watts with Steven Ray Watkins at the piano.

Featuring the talents of:

TOM ANDERSEN

LISA ASHER

BOBBY BELFRY

FRANK DAIN

BABY JANE DEXTER

TIM DI PASQUA

RUBEN FLORES AND JANA MARTINEZ

KELLY HOWE

PHYLLIS PASTORE

MILES PHILLIPS

JULIE ROGELSTADT

CLARK WARREN

GENEVIEVE WILLIAMS

WITH STEVE DOYLE ON BASS

God's tryin ter tell me sumptin..

Perhaps I should lay off the fast food. With the banning of transfats in New York City and e coli outbreak at one of my mainstays of fastfoodiness, Taco Bell... perhaps it is finally time to roll up the car window and to just say no to the junk food. I dont need it, lawd knows I don't need it.

grr... what will I do for comfort now?

" I'll give it till..."

That's what a lot of people at Ye Olde are saying. I'll give it till and then they have a goal event or time.... a reason for them to leave here.

Except, I dont have one of those. I am just free falling, career wise. Doing what makes other people happy.

The big cheese of Ye Olde gave out certficates for length of service today. He prefaced it by talking about how there wasnt a lot of room for upward mobility, but that Ye Olde was a great training ground. That we have positioned ourselves a such with intern programs and fellowships and other training programs. It made me question what I was learning. How am I growing here? I am working harder. I am doing more. I am teaching myself how to do things. But for what end? Right now, just for the good of Ye Olde - which cares not for my good.

It came to me, though, in the middle of a big staff meeting, that I should start working towards something I have been talking about for a long time. A Masters degree... and a Masters in something I want it to be involved in, not something that will further my current career - which I do cuz it is
"something to do".

I met the head of the program that I have been really interested in applying for today. He is doing some work for the upcoming show at Ye Olde. He was really nice and suggested that one day when he was at rehearsal we have a coffee together and talk about the program and my goals and all that. Hence the thinking about my goals. I totally was feeling lost yesterday and cranky this am, but now, I feel a little more hopeful.

Now that I have paid off the college I can actually have my materials sent...LOL

Time for tea...

Happy Birthday, Johnny.

You asked me what I want this year
And I'll try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
... so take these words...
...and sing out loud...


::sigh:: Happy Birthday John Rzeznik

Back to the Future...

I was surfing the net this evening, reading the ABC soaps site... I have a friend who recently started a stint on one of the shows. I saw a link for the Luke and Laura 25th anniversary. I went through the pages and it brought back so many memories!

It was like having a virtual family reunion. Every weekday afternoon at 3pm, I joined my television family in Port Charles, NY. General Hospital became an essential part of my life. When I was 11 years old, I sat in front of the TV and cried and cried during the television wedding of Luke and Laura. I dreamt of being Laura - swept away by love, adventure and romance. This was the era of Princess Diana and my discovery of romance novels.

I still believe in romance. I still believe in happily ever after. Whether I find it in the movies, on TV, in the pages of a novel or in my arms for real... I know I will have it.

The Boy Next Door...

...has dissappeared. Yes, you heard me right. He hasn't called in a week. I havent called him. He is offcially M.I.A. Or rather, he has decided to dump me in the most cowardly way possible. Just stop talking to me. I am not sure why men think this is a good idea.