itchy.

I have bad skin. The older I get the worse it gets… not wrinkly (cuz black don’t crack) but bumpy and easily irritated. I also have a tendency to mess with anything on my skin… hairs, bumps, scars. That only makes it worse. I see pictures of myself from even ten years ago and my face was so much clearer… not some spotty mess. It embarrasses me more than I can express. It’s like my personal failures manifest on my face. You can’t hide them… the world sees it all.

I realized today that part of the reason that I messed with my skin so much is that it was itchy and dry. So I started applying lotion. Simple, right? Just that little soothing gesture alleviated the need for me to pick and pull and scratch at what was irritating me. Isn’t that they way it is with everything? Sometimes, all we need is a little soothing – a balm to ease the hurts and the itches, to moisturize the dry patches of our lives.

We wear the scars of when we pull, scratch and fight. Some of wear them on our faces, some of wear them on our hearts. I hope that all of my friends who read this know that I feel what you feel and I am praying for your balm…for your solutions too.

Follow Your Bliss ( reblog)

This is a re post from the Women of Faith Blog. I know, I know, I promised some reflections on the cabaret - but it has generated more than a simple blog post. I think it may have been the catalyst for a life change. I am stepping through the door God is opening... I think. I will fill y'all in on it when everything is sort of in place. In the meantime, I think this is good food for thought.

(PS: the author of this post (Anita Renfroe) is HILLARIOUS... go to You Tube and type in her name...watch her go - she's v v clever)

My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor. — Ecclesiastes 2:10 niv

"I saw Anderson Cooper (of CNN) give an interview recently, and in it he responded to a question regarding the best advice his mother (Gloria Vanderbilt) ever gave him. He responded that she advised him to follow his bliss and the money would come. He had a dream to be a reporter and he now anchors each weeknight with his own news show. I don’t know what your “bliss” might be, but I urge you to find a calling in life and attach it to your work.

Whether you have a job and wish you didn’t, or don’t have one and wish you did, or if you wish you had different people to work with or report to, the dailyness of your workplace can become a mental drag if you don’t choose to see it as a place of purpose and mission. The Bible gives us clear principles regarding whatever labor we undertake.

Read Colossians 3:23, Luke 9:62, Romans 13:1, Matthew 7:12.

These scriptural principles allow us to see that we are working for more than a paycheck, that we are committed to endurance and excellence in any undertaking, and that our Real Boss doesn’t inhabit the corner office, but has it all in his hands.

— Anita Renfroe"

On being alive...

The thing is, it shouldn’t take the death of one of your peers to remind you that you should be a better steward of yourself. But…

Last night, I found out that a man younger than myself, a mainstay in the Washington theater community collapsed and died. Last night. This guy had potential, he was very heavy though and didn’t get cast because of that.

I have been struggling with back pain all this week and I turned my ankle on Wednesday and have been hobbling around all week. I know that the reason that my back messed up again is because I ate my way through my mom’s surgery. I was worried and sad and bored and stressed… so I ate and ate and ate- as though her convalescence was some kind of holiday from self control.

I’m so messed up y’all. I know there has to be a better way… I just haven’t found it yet. I am still doing weight watchers and I am back on the wagon. I suppose that is something. I just don’t know what else I can do to get my mind right about this. It’s an addiction, clearly. I abuse food.

But I am alive, praise God. Every day that I wake up is another day to get it right. In church they asked us if there was anything that we were believing in God for – something so large and audacious that I could not do it without Him.

I think this might be it.

Falling off, jumping back on...

Today is another day.

I have sucessfully put back on the weight I lost during my time at weight watchers. It took two weeks. It took me months to take it off and TWO WEEKS to put it back on. Stupid.

Now my back hurts and I twisted my ankle and I am just miserable about this.

I'm back on the wagon now - but it's really really hard.

I have to admit how I actually feeling instead of smoothing it over with food. Dag nabbit.

Right now, Im bored ... and anxious... and hungry ( but it's almost lunch time and I built a gorgeous salad for lunch)

Back on the wagon, back on the wagon, back on the wagon.

Hanging around thinking about life...

Some of the questions I hate:

What you would do if you knew you could not fail?

What would you do for free?What makes you cry?

What makes you angry?

These are the kinds of things people ask you at job interviews, therapy sessions and counseling sessions. LOL.

If life were simple, there would be something that answered all of these questions. Then, somehow, magically, I would have the answer of what to do with my life.

What would I do if I knew I could not fail? Write novels, sing on Broadway, tell the person I love how much I love him. Pray out loud. Be a preacher. Be an elementary school teacher. Be a college professor, direct musicals.

What would I do for free? Most of the things above. However, the world charges money for things…so I need a job.

What makes me cry? Betrayal. Rejection. Shame. Injustice. Poverty. War.

On a less grand scale – the plight of urban young people… it’s painful to see how much some people have and how reluctant they are to share and show God’s love in action. In return, it is painful to see young people who have given up on life because they think no one gives a damn about them.

What makes me angry – see above.

I am angry that five years out there are people still living in FEMA trailers in NOLA – that if they were of a different ethnicity or economic strata they would have homes by now… but because those in power (on both sides of the aisle) ignore those who “don’t matter” they continue to sink deeper and deeper into the third world in the middle of the first world.

And if you think that’s not true… take a look at Haiti – six months out ….going into hurricane season… and they are living in squalor in tent cities.

How do I turn all of that into a life calling? How do I take care of myself and the world…?

Times Like These...

My mom is having surgery tomorrow. She will have a procedure that will change her life for the better. She is excited and hopeful that she will be more mobile and more comfortable than she has been in more than a decade. I am hopeful for her.

I am also scared. She’s my mom. She’s not as strong as she should be… neither am I, truth be told. I don’t know if I can handle it if something happened to her. Anything can happen, ya know? She has been the grown up in my life, my whole life. I can’t lose her – I’m not ready. But just in case, I have to be ready that something could go wrong. I mean, my dad was going in for a procedure and he never came home. He was much sicker than my mom… but she misses him so much. I am afraid that she will go to be with him.

She’s so awesome. I mean, she is smart and funny and can cooooook! Her talented hands have lovingly created everything from Halloween costumes to nursing scrubs. She has shown me what devotion really means. If I ever get lucky enough to have a partner in the life, I hope to be loved and cared for as much as she loves her husband and children. When her husband passed away, she mourned, naturally, but she also lost 174 pounds and found a away to control her emotional eating and got a grip on her own health. She has been the caregiver to so many… and now she needs care.

So, at times like these, I have to lift it all up to God.
None of this is up to me.
None of this is going to go according to my plan.
It’s not my doing.
I have to leave it to the Lord.

Prisoner of Guilt

I find myself always looking behind me. I am always worried about other people's response to what I do. I know part of that is because I have been known not to work at full potential. I know now that some of that is due to my ADHD. Some of it is due to depression. Most of it is due to self doubt and fear.

Since I have spent the better part of a lifetime doing what I believe is "sub par" everything, when people call me on it I feel like the whole world has crashed down on me. I am ashamed and afraid that I will never get better.

So, any time there is the possibility that someone is reporting on me or I have to have a review or something - I get scared. I feel guilty. Even if I am doing the best I can. I feel like eventually someone will find out that I am a total fraud.

I am a prisoner. When will I be parolled?

Oooh, I think I love you…

The nice thing about life is that sometimes you get little suprises. Today I got a package in the mail from a colleauge/friend I had “done lunch” with weeks ago. I totally thought she had forgotten about me. It was just mentioned in passing…my love for David Cassidy. She happens to be friend of his. For realz! She also happened to executive produce one of my favorite all time CD’s “Old Trick New Dog”. Which I was going to order on I-tunes the week we talked about it. She told me she would send me some signed stuff and I laughed… well ha ha on me… I got a package today with a signed photo and a signed CD… I KNOW! Cray to Crayzee! I am spending the rest of my work day in David Cassidy heaven J

Sunday blues

When I was a little kid, I just to just get so sad on Sunday nights... it was back to school and my world of freedom would be over. I don't know how I sort of got over it...maybe I never did.

Tonight, I am sitting at my computer, watching bad TV feeling super sad. I don't want to go back to work. I don't want to be in the world I am in. I don't know what else I am supposed to be doing, but I feel as though what I am doing is not the right thing. I am not in the right job. That I know. I get sad everytime I think about going to work these days. I am not sure how to make this better. It may be affecting how I feel about everything else. I'm depressed.

I am going to try a couple of things to make me feel better. I was too bummed to go to my small group - I wont make that mistake again. I'm not going to hide at home. Nikki's birthday is this week and Im gonna go to her celebration on Tuesday. I skipped my first dance class last week because I had been beaten by work. I will try to make it to this weeks.

I'm looking forward to hanging out with Momo this weekend. I am going to frame some stuff and maybe we'll work on some art together. I have got to get out of this funk...

Find me...

Where do you go when you are lost?

To a map? To a guide? Head North? Or do you pretend like you’re not lost and just keep going until the bottom drops out and someone else tells you you’re lost … or to “get lost”.

I think I’m lost. I don’t know if it’s a huge existential lost or I’m just off track somehow. Nothing I am doing seems right. I don’t hate my job… which is rare – but it doesn’t feel comfortable or even remotely fulfilling. I used to have show to do to supplement the blah of work. I had hoped to be in two shows this year and I didn’t get into either one.

Then today, I got a call from one of theatre’s asking me to swing two roles in the show. Flattering that they think I can do that. Then I realized, they had already offered someone this job. No let me be honest, my friend told me that they had offered it to someone else already. Then I recalled a facebook post that indicated that that particular person was quitting a show. Ta da… and all of a sudden I have a job as second and third banana. I don’t know how I feel about it. Am I happy that I will be able to do something in the coming months (perhaps) that is close to what I like doing? Am I embarrassed that after not wanting me for the role, they offered me the understudy of that role? Maybe a little of both.

Ambivalence, I think is the clearest emotion I can generate. I need to know why I care. Cuz right now, I just couldn’t tell you. I feel lost.

When I feel like this I make poor choices. I shop too much, I eat too much, I pursue things that aren’t good for me at all. I stop desiring the best that the world can offer and take the lowest hanging fruit. I just want to go home and shut it all out. So tonight, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll get up and do it all again tomorrow – and I’m sure it will be better somehow… or I’ll still be lost.

I’m a little lamb who’s lost in the wood,
I know I could, always be good …
To one who’ll watch over me….

Health Update

Finally got to the doctor and they have added another pill to my repetoire for the blood pressure. ::sigh::
Then the doctor ask " are you having any sinus pain?" "Um why?" " because you have a nasty sinus infection". huh.

that explains the headaches and the vertigo...

I need to lay down.

headed for a breakdown...

I have felt since I got back from the cruise that I was headed for a meltdown. Mourning something, nashing of teeth the whole nine.

I think it's starting. I am writing this to stop it before it turns into a full fledged self loathing fit.

Monday night, I went home after work and laid on the couch, almost comatose and completely unmotivated to do anything.

Tuesday was so hectic with the festival starting, and not having all the info I needed to do things well. I was tired and ready for the day to end. I was headed for one last meeting and I had been sending out emails about the event for the next day. I had my co workers take a look at it before I was to send it. one said - looks fine to me. The other person said " I need to re-write this whole thing. There are things in here that just arent true. I dont want it sent that way." Now normally, this person is super diplomatic, so her aggressive posturing towards me threw me for a loop. All I heard was " YOU SUCK .... YOURE WRONG... YOU CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT" I was put out, and expressed it to my boss.

My boss then started talking about how she had to see any emails that went out and started telling me about how things should go. All I could hear was " SHE WAS RIGHT...YOU SUCK... I DONT TRUST YOU TO DO ANYTHING...I WILL ALWAYS KNOW MORE THAN YOU, BE BETTER THAN YOU...YOU ARE A MASSIVE FAILURE." It was like a massive punch in the gut. Then I had to go to a meeting. Needless to say, by the time I got home I was done done done.

I went out with my sister last night and she started talking about her plans for her life and I realized... I have no plans of my own anymore. I dont have anything at all. My mind kept racing to: YOU ARE A MASSIVE FAILURE. I got home and my head was pounding. I went to lay down and my head started spinning. I was so dizzy, I couldnt even read my bible. I sat up and decided to take my blood pressure. It was 174/154! WTF! I went to bed and hoped that the morning would be better.

Morning came and I could barely get out of bed. I was supposed to get up early and get my car inspected ... but when the alarm went off, I tried to get up... I was too dizzy. I let my office know I would be late and I tried to get up. I took my pressure again 157/121. NO GOOD. I managed to get up and get to work. I helped get the theatre ready and then I took my pressure again. 151/111 - OH HELL NAW! I called the doctor. If I hear from them, I'll be going to the doctor this afternoon. Thing is I have been losing weight and taking my meds regularly... so now what? I'M EVEN A BLOOD PRESSURE FAILURE.

While this looms high on my conciousness... I go about my day to day work, seating kids, sending emails trying to be positive... then the same co-worker who gave me ish yesterday jumps on me about how I spoke to her in front of interns. HOLY CRAP. I started shaking and apologizing. I was devastated. I couldnt believe this. I cant win! I contemplated going to an emergency room this morning and not even coming in. But no, I cared about my job - and my job kicked me in the ass. AMAZING.

Not only did she tell me to never speak like that to her in front of an intern. She essentially told me that I was mean and selfish. The two worst things you could ever call me - besides a liar. I know it's not about me. I know it's about how she was feeling, and the stress she was dealing with... and the big uncertain elephant in the room about how the jobs are changing... and whatever other demons she is dealing with. But I cant know that. All I know is how is feel. So what do I about that? I try so hard not to be disrepectful to people. I try to care. I try to do my best... and it's never enough.

I am trying not to cry again as I write this. I dont know what to do. I know I need a change... I know I need to be lifted up. I know I need to get my blood pressure under control. Right now, all I want is to go home and never come out.

Long time, no blog....

The last time I posted something I was on my way to my cruise. Then I made a personal decision to not blog during the trip. I did journal the whole time and if I feel ambitious, I may post some of it. In the meantime, the highlights were: ...being away from it all for a fabulous week... a 75 minute massage ( ahhhh)... had a cold through most of the trip... delish food and bevvies...the sunshine warm and loving on my skin... the bluest of the blue water... laughing a lot with Momo, all in all a lovely vacay.

Now I am back at the office and all the work has started. And the tired has started.

My back is tense, my cold seems to want to make a reappearance. I am having a little post trip depression, and I am not real interested in anything.

tra la.

People watching at the pier

In case you didn't know, I am going on a cruise vacation. Right now I have the luxury of waiting for my bestie Momo yo get thru the check in process. I say luxury because it gives me the chance to watch people in a very unique situation.

People boarding a cruise vacay come in every variety you can imagine. There's usually more of one type than another depending on where you board. I hit motherlode this time! I am boarding in new York.

Apparently so are the casts of jersey shore, jerseylicious, jersey couture, and the with the dirty old people. Hot! I actually don't care who is on the boat... As long as I am!

Gettin' Ready Rag...

I am a long time procrastinator. I am a chronic over scheduler. My time is always smaller than my ambition.

So I say all that because I am working on getting ready for my trip. I have all of my clothes laid out. I have everything purchased and ready to go into my bags... hmmm.

Perhaps its because of the ADHD meds.... maybe its because I made my list aaaaaages ago. I dont know... but I feel odd.

I'm doing laundry so I will have clothes for work when I come back!?! Who am I?

After I have dinner, I will shower and go out and get my mani/pedi... and some sinus medicine.

I may even get to tidy my room and clean the bathroom and go to bed before midnight.

This is CRAZY!

Sail On...

One of the things I miss about living in NYC is the opportunity to see special events. Benefit concerts, one night concert events and the like. Just before I moved back home, I was starting to sing in cabaret rooms and getting to know the people who make music in NYC. I had just put my foot in the water and then I was called home to be with my Dad.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret a step in my journey. I am just saying I miss some things about my life in “the city”. Luckily, I still have friends in the business and they still remember me. This is what brings me to my current news. I have been asked to be a “pit singer” – which is essentially an ensemble person who just sings ..yay! – for a concert of the musical “Titanic”. Some of the original cast members are going to be in it! In fact the two people I remember most from seeing the show, Brian D’Arcy James and Michael Ceveris are going to be in it! ::swoon::.

This is one of those times when I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Am I intimidated? Yep. Am I nervous? Yep. Am I blessed? OH YEAH!

I’ll keep you posted and give your more info on the show later… I just wanted to share it with you for right now.

Compelling. Engaging. Exciting. PAIGE IN FULL

Last week I was blessed to be a part of the opening weekend of a very special show. Paige In Full is a dance-theatre piece by Paige Hernandez-Funn. She is one of the most amazing performers you have never heard of…which is a crime against art! She is a dancer and an actress and an all around amazing person. Her show is a self exploration that covers pretty much her life from age eight to the present day. She wraps it up nice and tight in a one hour dance, music and monologue event.

Photo credit: Colin Hovde

I believe everyone has a personal soundtrack. Mine is a combination of eighties pop and contemporary Christian music. Paige’s is pure hip hop. She breathes it. It’s a part of her DNA. She can connect the songs and the culture to her entire being. More importantly, she can explain it to the rest of us. She is beautifully articulate in her storytelling… she is enticing in her mastery of her body and movement. This performance is a delight.



I am not one to blow smoke about performers and performances. I will always tell you what I think. I think if you miss the opportunity to connect with this show, you will really have missed something great.



Paige in Full


What: Inspired by mixtapes, siblings Paige Hernandez and Nick the 1Da combine hip-hop poetry, dance, and live music to tell a story about identity and ethnicity in Baltimore.








When: Thru May 29. Previews, Tues. & Wed., 8 p.m. Regular showings, Thurs., 8 p.m.; Fri., 8 & 10 p.m.; Sat., 3 & 8 p.m.; Sun., 3 p.m.





Where: Flashpoint Mead Theatre Lab, 916 G St. NW, b/t 9th & 10th Sts. (202-315-1305).





Tickets ($20) online at ovationtix.com.

So it's been a few days...

Let me catch ya'll up a little bit...

I've had some stupid back pain that has derailed most of my plans for the past week.

Last week my cellies evil twin came back. If you dont know what I mean, just ask - i'll tell you privately. I wish it would go away, but I think the evil one is actually the alpha... ::sigh:: It bummed me out and I ended up over eating this week.

On Saturday though, I was trated to one of the best performances I have seen in a long long time. PAIGE IN FULL rocks my socks. Paige Hernandez is a wonderful storyteller and a fantastic dancer. She tells her story through hip-hop and what a story it is.

anyway, it got my theatre mojo running again and it looks like I am going to manage the marketing for the Hegira. I am proud to affiliate with this group and cant wait to see what's next!

Sunday, I spent with Jesus and MellyMel :). Both of whom I love very much.
I think I will post separately about church... I need to think some things through.

Yesterday I got some bad news about my back. I have degenerative arthritis in my back. That means it will never get better. All I can do is manage the symptoms. Huge bummer. But a call to action.

I cant wait for my vacay - I am going to let all of this go for a while and come back and "shake the etch a sketch" - start over.

That's the great think about life... you get to start over. Praise God!

My back...

is still bothering me. I went to the doctor at the beginning of the week and had an xray. I havent heard anything. She sent me home with some motrin and some flexeril and told me to eat more fiber and get a mammogram ( really? nonsequitor, anyone?)

The next day was okay, but today has been a bear. I had trouble getting up and moving around has been hellacious. I am not pleased.

I am not going down like this! I am not going to end up on a cane before 80. I dont know what to do besides sit ups, but I'mma do something.

Quiet.

It's extremely quiet here at the Disco today. All of our Spring interns are gone. One is staying part time till October, but he's not here today. My boss isnt here, one of my co workers isnt here. It's just so quiet. The sad thing is, that the quiet is distracting for me. My ADD is really battling with me right now - there are a million things going through my head.

I am trying to blog as a way to get myself focused. I know I have things to do and things to accomplish before I leave the office for a doctors appointment. It's just that when it gets quiet...my mind gets LOUD!!!!

Must. concentrate. now.

Mother's Day Musings

I'm sitting on the comfy couch, feeling a little empty right now. It's Mother's Day and I'm not anyone's mother.

I dont think I have ever experienced this. The feeling that I am missing something...the pull from deep in my soul ( or my womb) to have that identity.

Many times I have told myself that my children are the people that I encounter in my life, the students I mentor, the kids that come to the Disco, my interns, colleagues at the various theatres I have worked for. It is fulfilling to know that I have played a part in the forming of thier lives. I know I have made an impact... and that is good.

So why is it that when a caramel colored child with curly curly hair smiles at me, my heart hurts a little bit.

Is it time? Should I move forward with the plan to have a child? What about a father? What about a family? I just dont know. Am I just supposed to have this empty ache?

It's confusing.

In the Marketplace…

Went to church today and was convicted by the message. Let me explain that phrase. We often think of “convicted” as a bad thing. We think of it as something we should be punished for. That’s not what I speak of. I am talking about hearing something that resonates so deep in my heart that it is a call to confession or a call to action. I don’t think of that as a bad thing at all. So, back to what I was saying… I was convicted by the story of Elijah.

So to give you the short version, Elijah the prophet is driven to do the will of God regardless of the consequence. He is a superhero! He tells it like it is and battles for the Lord in the boldest of ways. We are reading through the bible as a church community at National Community Church. It’s a pretty cool thing – all of the sermons and series are connected to this journey through the bible. For more info on the program, it’s called From Garden to City and you can join the journey at http://www.fromgardentocity.com/. Okay commercial over – we’re reading through Kings right now. I will confess. I was beginning to feel like Kings was going to be like Numbers (I was not a fan). Then we got to Kings 18. Elijah confronts the worshippers of Baal and challenges them to prove the power of their god. He says that they should pray to their god and he will pray to the Lord and first to bring fire will be the true Lord. His faith is so strong that he even douses the area with water and taunts the worshippers of Baal. Fast forward to the end, the God of the prophet Elijah is proven to be the true God.

Why does Elijah step to this group of disbelievers and break bad with them? What’s the end game there? What is the benefit in putting himself out there this way? If this doesn’t work, he is a dead man. There are 450 Baal supporters waiting to rip him a new one. But he has superfaith. He has a powerful spirit that is “willing to play offense and rock their world.” (Batterson) This is what we need. We need a faith that propels us into the scary places to bring light to the darkness.

I know that this is my calling. I know that this is the Great Commission. I know, I know… but what do I do about it? Pastor Mark also said today that “we better live like we believe that Jesus is God – if that is what we believe”. I know I don’t do it all the time, I know I don’t do it in uncomfortable situations. But I also know that I keep being thrown into situations where the love and light of Jesus is sorely needed. What do I do? And that is where I sat, convicted and confused.

Years ago, I felt as though my calling was in theatre. While I still feel that my career is in theatre… I also feel pulled to ministry. I know that the answer is at the intersection of these two things. I feel closer to an answer than I have ever been. There are people in my life who feel the way I do as well. I am more stable in so many facets of my life than I have ever been. I feel poised for a breakthrough.

Pastor Mark called us to participate in a Pentacost Fast starting this Thursday. I intend to participate in this fast. I will be giving up television for ten days. I hope to find something concrete to pray for during this time – clarity seems too large. I want to find my place in the marketplace….my Elijah moment. I’ll keep you posted.

points

Here is what plauges me about the whole points system. What happens when you just dont eat during the day? Today for example, I had coffee this am and halfway ate my salad and soup. I had a snack attack about a half hour ago and had some applesauce and a 100 calorie packet of goldfish. Even after I eat my dinner tonight I will have 17 points left. What the HECK am I supposed to do with that? Go on a carb bender?

I dont even want anything. argh. being a recovering foodie is tough.

An exercise in nothingness...

That is what this past weekend was, an exercise in nothingness.

I had the best of intentions, cleaning, laundry, catching up on some reading...

What did I do? I sat on the couch and knitted. All weekend. Oh and slept.

Clearly it was what I needed to do.... this month is jammed packed - I probably wont get a weekend like that till I get on the boat... 20 days from now - holla!

It still felt weird.

...like it was my job...

I watched the coverage of the Times Square bomb scare last night like it was my job. I watched every news channel, I flipped back and forth. I didn't boot up the computer... but I was tempted. I texted Momo to see where she was ( it was a Saturday night, she could have easily have been at the theatre). I worried and worried and kept myself up all night. I waited until Mayor Bloomberg gave his press conference around 2 before I could drag my arse upstairs to bed. I missed church - I lost a day.

...like it was my job...

reflecting on a win.

last night I got a call that reminded me of why we are here. I have a friend, I will call her MeMe. Meme and I have started attending church together. She travels a long distance every Sunday to get fed by National Community Church. I love that about her.

She really took to heart some of messages that have been laid down in the past few weeks at NCC. Last week, Pastor Mark talked about not being able to live off of someone else's story and the phenomenon of having a second hand experience of God. This message led me to one of my Holy Spirit encounters. ( Again...I will blog on that later when I have fully processed it).

MeMe found in the word a place of hope on which to stand. This week, she actually spoke truth into a situation and it came through ( to a certain extent) she was so thrilled with the affirmation of faith that she shared it with me. I was so amazingly happy for her! This is what I am talking about...seeing faith in action.

Even more amazing... she quietly shared how she was called to be in communion with a couple of our mutual friends last night. That she simply listened to what they needed to talk about and she felt so honored to be in thier confidence. I think this speaks volumes to what a life in the faith can provide. She felt so right in her spirit, that these people wanted to share in her energy. It's what life in community is all about, right?

I needed to hear about how God was working in her life to remind me that He is working in mine too. That I need to be thankful for the communion, for the community and the intersections that give me the opportunity to put faith into action.

Amen, y'all amen. What a win!

The end of a "lost" week...

It's Friday and I am glad that it is...

Like Pastor T.D. Jakes says " It's Friday...but Sunday's comin..." I definately need a recharge of some sort. This week has been super wonky. From doing All Shook Up all weekend to catching the Holy Spirit at Ebz last Sunday ( I guess I should blog about that too...) The week started all kinds of weird. That funky Nunsense call...blah blah blah. Instead of praying on it and staying in the Word, I have left it all the wayside. I have also eaten poorly and forgotten to take my meds. I have been scattered and uninterested in everything for most of the week. It's about to be a hoppin May. I have to do better than this.

I need the reset button. I need to go home, get in my jammies, have some popcorn and some TV. Get back in the the Book. Clean, do laundry and celebrate being free from bondage....

For right now though, I am gonna go read Pastor Mark's sermon from last week... or maybe even play it in the office ( my office mate is at a long lunch). Have my four point soup and some goldfish ( you know how I like my goldfish) and try to get my mind right.

Can you tell that I need a vacay? BAAAAAAAAAD.

Feeling Real

I just settled down to sew up some costume pieces for a show at the Disco...when I found that Hamlet starring David Tennant (yummmm) was on. I flipped on PBS and got to sewing. By the time "...the rest (was) silence" I had gotten a good deal of my sewing work done. I settled into bed feeling fulfilled for the first time in a long time.

I was living my real life ... working toward making theatre happen while partaking of some great screen work. It was so nice. I fell right to sleep. I was being a theatre person, a real theatre person.

I felt real.

Today is annoyance day.

I have been trying to get in touch with my travel agent for three days now. I have emailed every day, called once and now I have called the cruise line - who told me to call my travel agent.

Sometimes you get what you pay for. Me and Momo got a great deal on this cruise to Bermuda. Due to a typo when I paid for it, our reservation got cancelled and had to be rebooked. What I didnt know was that they had upgraded us to an oceanview or balcony or some such nonsense. Momo, however, DID know and told me what happened. ::sigh:: Well she shouldnt be punished for a typo, so I contacted the travel people... see the first sentence.

I better get a balcony after all this.

25 days!

It all starts with a parking ticket...

Now for those of you who dont know, I work on the National Mall. I am also a pretty pretty princess who LOATHES the subway. so, everyday I drive down to the Mall and park there. I am one of thoe people who keeps the good tourists from finding a space on the Mall. I get parking tickets every couple of weeks ( but is still less than I paid for a space in the lot at Ye Olde). So, I am used to it.

What I am NOT used to is getting tickets in front of MY HOUSE.... at 1AM. I got into my car this morning only to find that a parking enforcement officer had generously given me a 50.00 ticket for an expired inspection sticker (oops).

Do i deserve to pay for my woeful civic neglect? Yes. Do I deserve to be ticketed at 1FREEKING am? Hellz no.

Made me very cranky. Had to vent.

losing weight on the broken road

I am always afraid to publicly talk about weight loss. I am afraid that people will watch too closely and judge too much. Then again, they watch and judge anyway, so why not talk about it.

So, I am on weight watchers. I go to the meetings at work, which is really convenient. My office mate has lost a tremendous amount of weight in the two years I have been at the Disco. She is my inspiration. She never seemed to be suffering. She eats what she wants. She just chooses to eat better. That's my goal.

My goal since i started has been to actually do a whole week of staying within my " points" ( weight watchers teaches portion control by assigning a point value to every food. you have a certain amount of points per day - you choose how you spend them). Staying within my means has never been my strong suit ( just ask the credit card companies). Eating has been the one thing that brings me consistent pleasure. Now I have teach myself to each for life.

I made the decision to start WW because of side effect of my ADHD meds. I have very little appetite. I could clearly see that I only ate for emotional reasons when I couldnt feel hungry.
So, I decided to force myself to live more conciously.

How am I doing? I am 4 and half pounds down in a month. I can do this. It took way longer than a month to put it on and I certainly have gained more than four pounds in a month.

My first marker has already been met. It was to get under a certain number... I wont say what it is.

My next marker is to lose 30% of my body weight. It's not too far away... I'll let you know when that happens.

Funny Nun Monday

...is it wrong when you have more fun waiting for the audition than the audition itself?

I was able to spend several hours in the company of a bunch of women I havent seen in ages... all shapes, sizes, colors and ages. It was kind of cool to see all of these talented creatures in one spot. All of us vying for the chance to be nuns in an upcoming production of NUNSENSE.

I met my friend M-boogie in the parking lot and we went in together. We found many pretty young things sitting on the settees outside of the theatre. Slowly but surely as the matrons ( me included) came into the lobby, the younguns moved to one side of the lobby to stretch and preen and be young and pretty. M-boogie really should be with them - but she is way more grounded and cool than them. ;) So she was with the over 40 crowd. For some reason, this theatre only calls her in for old lady roles... anyway thier short sighted ness.

We sat and laughed and cut up for hours and then finally went in. It was a short audie... a scene and a song. I have NO idea how I did. it felt weird. The director gave me notes and made me sing the song again. I dont know if that is a good or a bad sign. The owner of the theatre gave me loving looks - but then again she always does :)

Whatev... I drove home, had dinner and told the cat about my day. I have NO idea how this is gonna turn out.

Being Sylvia

I have to say that being “Sylvia” in All Shook Up is still one of the best artistic experiences of my life. She’s such a great character and so much fun to play. The show is adorable and the music is Elvis… you can’t beat that!

I have had the opportunity to be “Sylvia” twice now and I no matter the circumstance, or the venue – “Sylvia” just fits like a glove. This weekend, I had the pleasure of reviving my role at the Way Off Broadway Theatre in Frederick, MD. I was understudying for a friend who had a competition to attend (she won by the way!)

I went in unsure, as usual, about being in a new place with new people. They welcomed me and celebrated my being there and basically made me feel like I belonged. Two important things came of this event… one was the confidence boost I needed desperately and two was the confirmation that my role in the world is to share what I know with others.

Several of the younger performers thanked me for the advice I had given them. It was really nice to know that my being in their world for even just a little bit made an impact. I’m a teacher. I’m an artist. I’m Sylvia.

Genevieve has issues with people

I find that the hardest thing for me to do is be in community with people. It is really tough for me to have people depend on me or want to be with me. I don’t like the feeling of responsibility or obligation. Immature? I am sure…but it has been a part of my make up for a long time.

When I was a young girl, I longed for girlfriends to share my deepest teenage thoughts with. As I grew up, I made friends and have lots of lovely memories of slumber parties and concert, late night phone calls and notes passed in the hallways. I also have some very painful scars from the perceived hurts of a very sensitive child. I began to run inward as a teenager…not in that sulky kind of teenager way, but in the frightened of friends and the damage they could do kind of way.

I felt unsafe with people. I was always letting someone down. I didn’t say the right thing, I didn’t do the right thing and people punished me for it. Even if the punishment was in my head, I felt it… and felt it deep. It colored everything I ever did after that. I stepped tentatively into community with a couple of girls and had a ball for most of my high school years. Of course, we had drama and falling outs and all that.

In college, I decided to start again and I opened my heart to the Mount and everything there. What I am glad of is that when I opened my heart at that time… the Lord stepped in. I was called to attend the Mount and be on that Mountain for four years. My difficulties with people at college stemmed from my insecurity and sense of validity on the planet. It was easy for people who were even more insecure than me to manipulate and abuse me. I know that is strong, but some of the things that happened there would be categorized as abuse in any other setting. Torture even… nevertheless, I grew and found that my “weirdness”, My “ awkwardness” was part of who I was… and it made me interesting. I graduated from there wiser… weirder and still afraid to share myself totally with anyone or with God.

I’m gonna fast forward here through twenty years… amazing years – all culminating in my wonderful fortieth year. I would be a liar if I said, my issues with people were solved…far from it. I am still resistant to love and I am definitely resistant to being beholden to people. I have even punished myself in the past six months for letting people down and not being everything to everyone around me. But what has happened is that I find that the people I am letting into my world are accepting. The people who have remained from High School, College, RENT, jobs etc… are people who I have let down…and been let down by…. People who love me for who I am and who I could be… people who let me fall and help me up. I never thought that was possible. But it is.

Unsure...

When things are unsteady, I tend to stand firm.
That could be me freezing up and not moving with the tide of what is going on, or it could be me being strong and solid in the face of uncertainty. If I were to be honest, it's more like the former than the latter.

I havent, in the past, been good with change. I dont like it. However, I have learned over the years to manage my dislike. Manage? Well, more like internalize it so it doesn't inconvenience anyone...and then it turns into a physical problem. For example, my back has gone out several times in the past month ... probably because my work world - the world I worked so hard to make stable is unstable again.

Maybe it's never going to be stable and I need to get used to that as the new " normal". I am keeping my eyes and my options open. There are a lot of balls in the air. I am standing still...I'm sure they are going to hit me in the head soon.

Dinner with my sister

Every Tuesday I have date with my sister. She and I usually go out to dinner and then out to do a little shopping and a lot of laughing. She is my touchstone and I rely on that contact to really assess what life is about.

This week, we went to get my costumes for ALL SHOOK UP and then went to the Cheesecake Factory for some deliciousness. The conversation turned a little more serious than I had hoped when she started talking about the house.

That freeking house is the baneof my exisitance. I dont clean it and my mother is freaked about that. She wants me to do what she wants me to do when she wants me to do it. I know that my quasi hoarding is making her bat shit crazier. The piles are awful. It would be better if i moved down into the basement. But that requires so much freeking work. I just dont want to do it.

The reason I bring this is up is that what came out of the conversation was that my sister said " I just dont want you two to be miserable anymore". whoa. I'm miserable? Why didnt I know this?

What really blows me away is that she lays it out for me and I see it. I am miserable. I live in squallor as a manifestation of my misery. When did this happen? Five years ago. When I put on the brave face the day my dad died. I havent cleaned my room since then.

Damn. I thought I was doing well. sigh.

So.... this weekend

...was kind of amazing.

It started with sleeping in. I reccomend it highly. I hit the off button on the alarm and let the sleep wash back over me for a couple hours. Then, I spent some quality time with the cat. Some of you dont know her. She used to be my sister's cat. When my sister moved into her own house, she only moved one cat with her (the mean needy one). Which left Nutmeg, the skeerdy cat, with me and Moms. She really is Mom's cat. They talk all the time and when Nutmeg needs solace or saftey she rushes to be all up under my mom. So she and I are sisters, I suppose.

Anyway, she really likes it when I am laying down...doesnt matter where. She will come and sit on me. Doesnt need me to do anything, just lay there. So as the sun was beaming warmly through the venetian blinds and the sounds of lawn mowers sang a springtime symphony, I read a novel while Nutmeg sunbathed on my tummy. Nice.

After that lovely morning... I decided to break my fast with a little bagel and peanut butter and then I felt inspired to clean. Readers, this is not usual AT ALL... nor is it any easy task. For years have been lazily accumulating mountains of stuff and my ADHD never allows me to get rid or clean any of it. But armed with the magic pill and a cup of coffee - I did it! I straightened the living room. It's not perfect, but it is almost presentable.

I was so happy that I could do it and I know my Moms is realived. She hates the squallor and despises herself or not be able to clean it herself. I hope that doing that little bit gave her a little peace of mind. I am determined to have the house clean ( or at least orderly) before I leave for my cruise!

Guess Who's Back?

I decided to come back to blogging because I think there is a lot going on in my life.

Let me explain. I still have my job at the Disco, still live with my mom, still have feelings for the bad news bear - all that is the same.

But I started going back to church, started weight watchers, was diagnosed ADHD and went on medication, the organization I work for is being reorganized, i am trying to launch my third theatre company, I need to clean and redecorate my house, I have been asked to audition at Toby's, i am understudying at a theatre in Frederick, i want to take a cruise and I havent taken my car in for service. See? A lot.

As Pastor Mark would say, let me unpack that statement a little bit ;)

I started going back to NCC regularly. It is important for me to be connected to a community of believers and to be challenged to move forward in faith. I can give up pretty easily - one of the main things I give up is church and God. I know! I am ashamed to even type that. But it's true. When the road is too tough, I dont fall down on my knees and ask for help. I just run and run and run...as if some how the running will lead me to an answer.

Weight watchers has been in and out of my life for the better part of thirty years. Much like going to church - when things got too tough, I just left it. I suppose I am ready now to make the changes in my life - as opposed to going on a diet. I have to feel better, I have to do better. I am commiting to trying - and it's working. I am making positive strides toward being a healthier eater. Eating for life and not for comfort, all those kinds of things. Oh, blogosphere you'll hear a LOT more about this as I progress.

In December, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Forty years and NOW I know why so many things were uncessarily challenging for me. I have started on a regime of medicine and implementing tools to keep my life in order. Things are looking up on that front. I think it's what has enabled me to progress in other aspects of my life.

the Disco is changing. The parent organinzation is doing strategic planning and doing a reorganization. It's stressful and everyone is unsure. I cant really speak too much to it - cuz I dont really know more than that.

One of my bucket list items is to establish a theatre company that lasts. I want to make it my career to run this theatre. Like Michael Kahn or Toby Orenstien. It would be a lasting leagcy to the art that I love. I am taking very slow steps to make this one happen. I am still hoping for a summer show, but I dont know if it will happen. I am incorporating and getting our tax exempt status together and trying to make some contacts in the community to do some partnerships and such. It all takes time...and we all know I am impatient.

The house, the house, the house. Me and Moms still live together and I am drivng her crazy with my quasi hoarding ways. She really wants to live in a tidy little house with few things, a cat and a daughter or two. What she has ended up with is a pig sty with me! oops. So, I am plegding to make some changes and to clean the jont and redecorate some of the rooms. I am going to turn the basement into my pig sty - I mean studio/office. Complete with a big table to do crafts/having meetings at and shelves for my eight million books and tchotcke. Perhaps when it is done, I shall even throw a dinner party.

I just got called in the audition for NUNSENSE at Toby's. For those of you who have known me for any length of time - I have done this show three times already. It was actually the first show I was paid to do at the Lazy Susan Dinner Theatre. I have fond feelings for the character of Sister Hubert and I would love to tackle her again now that I am closer to the actual age of the character. We'll see, i'll keep you posted.

Next week, i get to revive one of my all time favorite roles. That's Sylvia in ALL SHOOK UP. I am doing a little understudy gig at the Way Off Broadway Dinner Theater in Frederick Maryland. I'm a little nervous cuz they dance more than i did the last time - but I have a video tape and a week - we'll see what happens!

I got my tax refund and now all I want to do is take a cruise. I have taken the time off and I know which one I want to go on ( 7 days to Bermuda on the Celebrity Summit). Only glitch is that I am afraid I will need the money to take care of my car. I have been a really bad car mommy and havent gotten it tuned up in a while. I am skeered now that when I take it in, it will cost me the whole refund. That will leave me cruiseless and cranky. This is one of those times when a lottery win would be AWESOME.

Okay, if that isnt enough in the life of me...you'll have to tune in later for more posts. My brain is tired.

Peace out!