Monday, monday...

It's a busy day for me.

My sister's birthday is today so I have to go get her a token of my lpve and devotion. I am going to run out to the Michael's and get a gift certificate so she can get a poster and a certificate from her time in Teach for America framed. I think she will like that. She's thinking about how she will decorate her new house so things like that are important to her.

Leftbrain (tm) is out sick today, so I wont be harrassed at the j-o-b today.

I am still playing catch up, but I think I can get a handle on it this week, if I don't get distracted.

Tonight, we move into the dressing room at Toby's Sound of Music is officially in tech.

I am overdue on my writing class assignment - I think I can get it in tonight if I can write at Toby's. I will be glad that I only have one actual book class next semester. (I will be doing module classes for a week and I will have a directing internship) If I didnt have the day job I think it would be better ( in so many ways). It's been kind of tough getting all my assignments in on time this semester.

On top of all this I am still battling this "cootie". It's screwing with my voice and I really dislike that. I hope that it will go away before opening night.

Okay, that's about it... I better get down to it.

The Tooth Fairy, Y'all.

14 hours of sleep, a cup of tea, some slippers and laundry

That's what today is all about. My throat is not feeling better. But I have paid off all of my ebay purchases ( Barbies are my weakness... I just won a Donny and Marie set, a Dooney and Burke, a Powerpuff Girls and a gorgeous Avon Special Edition. I'm stopping, I swear - I had a bad week and needed a boost). I am working on some assignments for school, between naps and relaxing.

It's going to be a busy week, Sound of Music opens Thursday and there is still a LOT to do at work in order for me to get comfortably caught up.

But today...ahhhhhhh.....weekend.

Long day.

I had a pretty long day today.

We had our final rehearsal for Sound of Music before tech. It was an all day thing with a half hour for lunch. Pretty exhausting, but I think that the show is almost ready.

Then Chaneylah (tm) and I went to get her a vehicle. Car shopping is pretty tiring and then add to it that we went to Ghettomotors (tm) to obtain the Chaneylahmobile (tm) and lets just say... it was the longest evening I've had in a long time. It started with a used car salesman jumping on us the second we got out of the car - hate that. Then Miss C had to haggle for financing - which I think is so stressful and a little soul sucking. Once that was done, they got her " into a car" but it had to be driven to the dealership from another location. An hour after that, we found out that they had forgotten about bringing the car over so we had to wait for even longer. Meanwhile, in the dealership the cast of characters that passed through was just astounding. It was "Ghetto fabulous" - down to the point where the dealership was clearing out and the sales people pumped up the Jay-Z music and started looking at porn sites on the company computers. I am not kidding. Five hours later though, Miss C rode off the lot in a really cute bright blue buggy.

I am sitting in the big chair now. Hoping that this throat thing I am feeling is not going to get any worse before SOM opens. I'm off to bed.

Tonight.

I'm posting this blog entry from the office of Toby's dinner theatre. It's a long story, but bascially I am doing my homework here tonight so I can give a friend a lift. Good deed for the day if you will.

But I have to say it's not a bad experience. There are lots of people in the company of this show that were a part of my terrific Little Shop experience. So, I'm getting lots of hugs and waves and stuff. Maybe I needed this today.

It's been a long week and I was feeling out of sorts. I keep forgetting what it feels like to be whole - to be home. To be loved. It's what I feel when , well, I am in my home ,at the Mount and here at Toby's. They've embedded some kind of homing device in me. I always come back.

Home Sweet Home.

Seal.

There's a guy in my office... Let's call him Seal... Seal got a big promotion.... Genevieve did not. Genevieve thought up a way to deal with distributing the 10$ tickets the theatre said it would sell this season... Seal did not... Genevieve's idea, "20/10" launched this week and was a success... Seal has been taking credit for it all week... I would like to club this Seal. I would like to make a Sealskin coat of this Seal.

I would like to know why I am getting jacked at the this joint AGAIN.

I got so upset after hearing him make it sound like it was his idea in a conversation to the Artistic Director, I had an asthma attack. Now my chest hurts and my heart hurts.

Weeble Wednesday

On Wednesday afternoons, I get the pleasure of leaving the world of Ye Olde and enter the world of elementary school. ( One of my co-workers has dubed all little kids "weebles" and the name has stuck.) I am co-teaching an after school group. It's about 30 kids in grades K - 5th grade. They are all fascinating! They are full of energy and for the most part totally open to playing and acting. The only reticence I sense is from the older kids ( the 4th and 5th graders). It's interesting to see at what point in a child's development the peer pressure kicks in. Fortunately, by the time we really get into what we're doing that day, they forget how cool they are supposed to be and act as silly as every one else.

I was terribly scared to work with this young population. I thought for sure that they wouldn't respond well to me and I would be struggling to maintain. But I was pleasantly suprised by their wholehearted acceptance of me. I am able to teach and play with them and they respond...with no agenda, no prejudice. It's totally the kind of experience I need right now and I am ready for more of the same.

Weebles ROCK!

Sucess at Ye Olde

Last night, a program I proposed was launched. The event was incredibly successful. It was one of the largest audience turn outs for a preview performance here - no mean feat as this was the new space which is twice a large as the old one. almost 700 people under the age of 35 came to see a show and listen to a friend of mine spin in the lobby. It was FAB.





The best part about it was that I made sure it was made known that this was MY project. I didnt want someone taking credit for my work AGAIN. I have been encouraged to send a report to everyone regarding the program. I will do that today as well as do follow up work with the new audience. Even though I have mixed feelings about my job - I have very strong feelings about the theatre itself.





Best moment of the night? When the Artistic Director of Ye Olde came over and gave me a big hug and kiss and said " Good job, honey, this is amazing!". ::sigh::

And for a little added fun...here I am at the event. ( Thanks to Miss Carol for the photo!)

Um...

Crazyman (tm) gave notice. He'll be gone by March...will I?

Sister Margretta takes shape

I am working on The Sound of Music at Toby's. I have been cast as "Sister Margaretta" the "nice" nun. She is the Mistress of the Postulants, which means she is the nun who is charge of the women who are contemplating a life in the clergy. She guides them through the process of discernment, where they spend time in and out of the abbey trying to find out if the cloistered life is truly what God wants for them.

Why do I know so much about this? I was in pre-postulant discernment with the Daughters of Charity in 1989 - 1990. I was in serious contemplation of a life as a nun. I had a "Sister Margaretta" in my life. Sister Mary Robert was her name. She was a lovely woman, about 35 or so, she liked a lot of the same things I did - art, music and theatre. She guided me thru the process and prayed with and for me. I invited her to come see me in a play I was doing at school. It was Agnes of God - dont laugh, yes I invited a nun to see that play.

After the show, she and I went to dinner and she told me that she had been thinking it for a while, but after seeing the show she was convinced. My calling was not as a nun. She spoke a life of theatre into my life that day. I was crushed and thought I was somehow unworthy to serve God. Now I know, Sr. Robert blessed me by sending me on... on to do the things I was meant to do.

As I look to embody "Sister Margaretta" I definately take a little Sr. Robert with me. Wisdom, gentleness, laughter and faith. You can't beat that.

I'll give you more info on what the process is like later... that was just what was on my mind today.

Bat Boy: The process begins...

I just spent the afternoon with Dr. Mentor at the college, hammering out some details about the upcoming production of Bat Boy:The Musical that I am directing for them. I am really excited to be back on the director/teacher side of things.

I asked him to give me some assesments of the students we had on hand and what kind of talent we were looking at. I think we'll be okay. The show only requires three really strong leads and the rest of the cast just has to be willing to go out on limb for comedy. It should be an interesting experience to see these young actors tackle a script they arent familiar with and really have to "work" through it.

I love being up in the mountains...it's so peaceful there. The air is different and I feel really enegerized after being there for a while.

There is a lot of work to do. Right now, I have to secure two choreographers and an accompianist...get some set design ideas to the TD, come up with a costume scheme ( so that a student can shop it), find someone with a score so we can come up with musical sides for the audition and well, think about the over all concept for the show.

I'll keep you posted on how it's going.

The name of my next cabaret show... Feels Like Home.

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself,
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how low I've been for so long...
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
Feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
Feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
Feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

Feels Like Home - Randy Newman from Faust

Getcha Head In the Game...

Okay you guys... remember earlier in the year when I maligned the pop phenomenon that is Disney's High School Musical? Well guess who is directing HSMjr? Yes, me as part of a class I start teaching next week!

Left Brain (tm) would have an aneurism if he knew he allowed me to change my work schedule at Ye Olde to direct middle schooler in HSM. I think it is poetic justice.. and frankly going to be whole lot of fun.

The opportunities just keep on comin' AMEN. Maybe soon, there will be enough of those that I wont even need Ye Olde to sustain.

I guess I gotta " get my head in the game". Yeah, trust me I went there.

And for some truly fun HSM stuff, check out this video from University of Michigan Musical Theatre students - FUN - E.

We're all in this together.

The Grey Elephant

I haven't been going to church.

Haven't been for most of the summer. Partially because my schedule was so messed up this summer and partially because I just didnt want to be there.

Nothing against the church. I love NCC and it is filled with amazing people. It's about me and my own hang ups.

I was trying to get back into it and to go back to service... so today, I decided to listen to one of the webcasts. It would be the one where my beloved PM says the statement that homosexuality is wrong. The whole rest of the sermon is focused on the issue of alcohol, but that one statement made me so sad.

I don't want to be in this place. I am trapped in a place where legalism/moralism whatever you want to call it, threatens to make me separate from people who saved my life. How do I love and support my friends, my urban family and stay faithful? This is so heartbreaking.

So much so that I want to shut it away. Like I have done with so many things in my life. I don't know how to deal with this.

I am left lonely and afraid about this. I want help, I dont want help. I want to be left alone. I want to turn of the voice of PM and pretend that I dont hear him.

Opening Night

Okay. It's open.

The Wiz is almost in the past. Last night, I ended up gathering a basic black outfit out of my closet, just in case. Good thing I did, because when I got to the theatre.... I had no costume - on OPENING NIGHT. People. I am not kidding. They seemed so unconcerned about it too. That was when I shut down. I was, like, y'all get what you get. I was so mad.

After the show, the AD comes to me and says " This worked out better anyway... you looked great." WHAT! I almost blew a gasket. And when the director came over to me and tried to throw his arms around me and congratulate me, I had to ask him not to do that. Now, I know that isnt Christian of me... but I couldnt pretend that I was happy about the way it all turned out.

I need some sleep and I need this to be over.

Um, I dont know what happened tonight.

Earlier today, I sent an email to the powers that be asking if someone had secured a costume for me. I got an email back stating " Oh, we forgot about you." uh huh.

I got to the theatre and someone excitedly told me that they had something for me to try on. It was a "halloween store" witches costume...which did not fit. I did the run ..it was rough. I wont lie... I am not sure this is a good show. There are some really talented folk in the show. There are some good moments. But overall... this is turning out to be a "short bus" collision.

I can't even seem to remember the words to the one song I sing. Lord, help us.

Who had an anxiety attack in a dance studio?

Why that would be me. The whole Wiz process is driving me batty. I feel less prepared for this show than anything else I have ever done in my life. And it just doesnt seem to matter. It's like a dance recital gone horribly wrong. I just dont know, people... I just dont know.

I dont think I will be inviting anyone to this.

Marty Thomas

Bestill my beating heart.

Here's the funny thing... I should just write down all the names that Beloved ( tm) uses in a conversation because someday I'll want to know who that person is. For example, Beloved (tm) was talking about how I should sing "Love You I Do" from the Dreamgirls movie for Barry and Marty's wedding. He mentioned it because he and this fella named Marty Thomas were flown to Chicago by a couple getting married and he sang the song.

I thought, yeah yeah yeah - maybe I should sing that song. I was so wrapped up in me that I didnt ask " Who is Marty Thomas?" ( I didnt want to look stupid to Beloved since he was like "you know Marty Thomas..." so I cleared my throat and said "oh sure" ).

What I was depriving myself of was one of the best voices and most amazing high tenors I have EVER heard. He rocks my socks. I spent hours You Tubing and Googling this guy a couple of nights ago. There are few people that I can honestly say I want to meet and even fewer people I actually want to sing with. This is one of those people.

Prepare to be amazed, for those who dont know...here's Marty Thomas.

Update peeps…

Little Shop closed and I am definitely sad about that. I miss the show, the cast, the band and Toby. I would work there again, mos def.

School has started and I am behind already…LOL I am late turning in an assignment for my Research and Aesthetics course…but it’s a paper on "Theatre As Sin"… so you see what I am struggling with. I sort of want to drive to Virginia Beach and ring their little evangelical necks. It’s all good though… they let me in didn’t they? That means God has a plan for me AND for Regent Theatre. Watch out!

Work is still the passive aggressive breeding ground for bitterness and great classical theatre it has always been. This Fall we will be featuring new cast members in the roles of “heifer who got a promotion and has now lost her mind”(tm) and “middle manager who is now king of donothingness”(tm) but never fear, Crazy Man (tm) and Left Brain (tm) are still in full effect. I am tired of em all – but I keep on keeping on. I just have to get through school and get a teaching job.

There’s some good news on that horizon. I was offered some parttime teaching gigs ( which I have to ask Left Brain for permission to leave work to do). But if I can make it work, I probably could parlay it into a full time gig in the Spring. I like the director of the theatre school and it fits with what I am trying to prepare for – full time teaching of general theatre courses. I do get to direct the spring musical at my alma mater – so that is very very cool. I’ll keep you posted on what that will be and what the process is like.

Speaking of process, I am going into tech for the show that wins the award for MOST DIFFICULT REHEARSAL PROCESS. The Wiz has been the most convoluted, disorganized thing I have ever been a part of. I have had to take my super duper anti anxiety pills to get through the past two rehearsals. I am just glad that by this time next week it will be almost over.

Well, I better get back to convincing my professor that Theatre is NOT sin… I’ll try to be better at keeping updated. Peace out y’all!

Lost in Your Eyes...

I am sitting at work folding letters, allowing the IPod to send me back in time. A little Depeche Mode, Meet Danny Wilson and Debbie Gibson. ::sigh::

Certain songs take to specfic places in my past. Debbie Gibson's " Lost In Your Eyes" makes me think of a short road trip to Baltimore when I was in college. A few of us hopped in a car and headed to the Inner Harbor for a little fun. We went to the Aquarium and the MD Science Center and shopped in Harborplace and had dinner at Phillips. It was the quintessential "Inner Harbor" day.

On the way back to school, we were all tired and mellow. I had a huge crush on the guy driving - he was everything I never wanted (LOL) - a beer drinking smoker who had a slightly angry vibe about him. No direction and no real passion - PERFECT! LOL. Next to me was the bad boy's best friend...one of the two loves of my life (the other being Beloved in NYC) - the first one. Only, I didn't know it until that moment.

He had fallen asleep an his head dropped onto my shoulder and he looped his arm through mine. I looked at the sleepy young man next to me, sandy haired, awkward, creative and passionate and felt a warm blush wash over me. I looked into the rear view mirror and saw the bad boy looking at us and smiling - he seemed to know something I didn't. I found out later that what he knew was that the sleepy man did indeed "like" me a lot.

While all of this was happening, Debbie was crooning:

I just fell, don't know why
Something real we can't deny...

I wish I could tell you that we dated all though college and parted amiably. But it is far more complicated than that. He is married now and we hear from each other occasionally. The unresolved things between us float out there like radio waves - the same kind of radio waves that created the soundtrack in that car headed to Emmitsburg almost 20 years ago.

::sigh::

The Wiz

As I start to wrap up my days on Skid Row, I just wanted to tell you about another road I will be on this fall... the yellow brick road. I am playing "Evilene" in the Expanded Dance Project's production of The Wiz.

Here's the scoop!

The Wiz

book by William Brown

music and lyrics by Charlie Smalls

based on the The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by Frank Baum

September 5 - September 9, 2007

The Atlas Performing Arts Center

1333 H Street NE, Washington, DC 20002

For tickets go to atlasarts.org or call 202.399.7993

Come join me as I "Ease on down the road..."

Books A Million

or, my room...

It seems that I have done a book overload.

I dont know why I do this, but I get into a book buying frenzy and end up with an embarassingly excessive pile of reading materials.

Such is the case right now. That lovely photo you see is of a bag of books I am taking home tonight from work. I joined the Literary Guild ( You know buy 5 for .99 get one free and add an additional one for 5.99 then buy two more over two years - you end up with about 10 books for 6.99 each.

I know, I know - shut up. This and snack food are my vices ( at least this one wont make me fat...er)

Um...

I think I was accepted into grad school.

go me.

The Bourne Ultimatum

I am not a huge fan of action movies. I am also not one to rush out and see a film the opening weeken ( I have still not seen the Harry Potter flick!). For some reason though, I felt compelled to see The Bourne Ultimatum. Perhaps it is Matt Damon ( yum). Even though, I don't go out and see everything he is in ( I have yet to see Good Will Hunting). I have however, seen all of the "Bourne" movies.

I got to the theater (mere minutes from Toby's), picked up my ticket, my "lunch" ( a #1, popcorn soda combo) and headed for the theatre. I found a long line of people waiting outside the theatre. I got in line, confused and said "Um, when did this movie open?" The couple in front of me laughed and said " Friday." Oh. Hence the line.

I took my sister's seat ( up in the far corner in the back) and took out my book. The theatre was PACKED. I ended having a very talkative father and son sit next to me, but really - it was okay. This movie was so loud and jam packed with action I didnt even notice after a while. It went by so fast! It was so much fun. Matt Damon humanizes the genre of action films. His quest for knowlege about who he is - and how he got to be who he is today is really compelling. Plus what he does in a police car on the streets of NYC is so totally cool!

I say go see it. Not right now though...the theatre's are crowded. ;)

Come on!

Sometimes you have to share pictures...

This is TOTALLY one of those times. My friend Ryan's picture on Myspace made me so happy I have to share it.

The puppy's name is Byron - BTW.

Have a great day ya'll...

Quiet and alone.

I am posting this blog entry from my bed in my pajamas. The TV is off, nobody is home. For the first time in a long time I am alone. I'm not in transit. I'm not late for something. I'm not surrounded by people ( I love or not so much). I have things to do, of course - but not right now. I've spent a little time with my bible. I've spent a little time with my computer. And now I am going to turn it off and just listen to the quiet. Listen to what God has to say for a change.

Happy.

Finished!

I finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows tonight at the theatre. The book was kind of slow to start and very dark. I didn't think I was going to like it. I am not one to read a lot of witches, wizards, fantasy stuff. Harry is such a likeable character - I have been sympathetic to him through six books and wanted to know how everything would turn out for him. In the end, I was not dissapointed. That, of course, is all I will say about the content of the book.

I started reading the "Harry" books when I was working for the producers of RENT. Scholastic ( the American publishers of the books) has sent one of the producers some of the series. They were thinking of producing a live action show version of them. This was before the movies came out or people were really even talking about them. The first two books has just come out in the UK and Scholastic was launching the books here.

I read a LOT. I always have. When I was answering phones for the RENT guys, this one producer was fascinated by the volume and variety of what I was reading. I always had a magazine or two on the desk and anything that came in for them (The NY Times, Variety, Billboard) I read first. So he would always ask me what I was reading. He plunked the first HP book on my desk and said " Tell me what you think of this" I read it in one night, came back to him and said " are there more of those? that was totally engaging and fun." He had one more and he told me why he had them. I told him to take the option. There was money to be made in these books.

Now, this was almost ten years ago and I don't know whether he invested or not. I hope he did. These books have been a fantastic ride. I think for many many years to come people will find hours of reading pleasure with our friends Harry, Ron, Hermione and Hagrid. I thank Ms. Rowling for the hours of fun I have had.

On to the next book!

It's going to take some time this time...

It's going to take some time this time
No matter what I've planned
But like the young trees in the wintertime
I'll learn how to bend...

- It's Going to Take Some Time , The Carpenters

So, in the spirit of being brave (sort of), I sent an email to someone I "fancy". I just thought he should know I was interested since when we are together, I certainly dont give an indication that I think he's special. I couldn't possibly. I am so ridiculously shy when it comes to most things. Putting myself out there scares me.

Ive been rejected a lot in my life. You get really tired of hearing "no", so you stop asking. You settle. I am trying to stand up for myself more - put my desires and needs on the table. So, I sent an email that said basically "Hey, I'm really shy, but I think you're neat - wanna have coffee or something?"

He replied and asked for a raincheck. He's on a deadline and he's way behind. I don't know if that is good or bad. But I know it isnt a NO. He's a really good guy, so I think he is worth waiting on a raincheck. I am not going to try to strong arm him or anything. I have prayed about this - I asked God before I even sat down to send the email. I am leaving the rest up to God and this fella. It's going to take some time, this time...

Hairspray

I saw the movie Hairspray today between shows. It was so much fun! I was skeptical, since I was a huge fan of the original film and I really enjoyed the musical ( and still hope to be in it someday). I wasnt sure that another movie was nessecary. I was wrong. This little confection was terrific. It gave some shout outs to the original film and took much of the musical and combined them into a joyful event.

I would say that my favorites were John Travolta, who gives a suprisingly vulnerable performance as Edna Turnblad and of course, Nikki Blonski who tears it up as the effervesent Tracy Turnblad. Tracy has more depth in this film than in the original or the musical. Her character actually has an arc. You're not just happy for her at the end of the film, you're proud of her.

I loved it. Go see it, you won't be dissapointed.

You can't stop the beat...

Huh.

I got the title change. What does that mean? Why do I feel obligated to the organization now? What is the lesson I am supposed to be learning here and how long will it take to learn it (isnt 4 years enough - you can get a degree in that time!)?

Confused.

Update on Brave or Stupid

Don't quite know what is in the air, but LeftBrain (tm) has taken up the cause of my title change ( almost four years after he brought it up in the first place). He has contacted ElDiablo (tm) and given him all the reasons why the title should be changed.

Naturally, CrazyMan (tm) opposed this change, stating that I would stop doing my job if my title didnt say it. What he doesnt understand is that I will stop doing EVERYTHING else they ask me to do if I dont get the change. Tra la.

The truth about my own strength...

I recieve the daily devotional from Pastor Joel Osteen at Lakewood Church in Houston, TX. Today's email really convicted me. I want to share it with all of you.

I am blessed to be surrounded by many wonderful and strong people. Sometimes we're a little too strong. We struggle with things that we dont have to. we carry the weight of the world and it isnt ours to carry. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded of that.

Today's Scripture
“They did not conquer by their own strength and skill, but by your mighty power and because you smiled upon them and favored them” Psalm 44:3 (TLB).

Today's Word from Joel and Victoria
Do you need God's strength to conquer something in your life today? Maybe you need strength on your job, or to overcome an addiction. Maybe you need strength to deal with a difficult person in the office. No matter what you may be facing, God desires to give you His supernatural strength in every situation. It's interesting that in this verse that it says, "because God smiled upon them and favored them." Did you know that simply calling on God causes Him to smile on you? Because you are His child, you have His favor! God loves to show Himself strong on your behalf. When you open your heart to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you for doing things your own way, He will forgive you! Best of all, God chooses to forget your past mistakes! It doesn’t matter what happened yesterday, today is a new day. Don't let the enemy's lies keep you powerless. Be strong in the Lord knowing that He is with you, smiling upon you and showering you with His favor. As you meditate on this promise, you will be strengthened to overcome every obstacle, and you will live a life of victory!

A Prayer for Today
God, thank you for smiling on me today. I ask that you show me your favor so that I can walk in your strength today. Thank you for equipping me with everything I need to live as an overcomer. I bless you and choose to honor you in everything I do. In Jesus’ Name. Amen

In the woods between Wilmington and Aberdeen.

That is where I spent about 3 and half hours today.

After having yummy pancakes with strawberries and watching SoapNet with my girl MoMo, I set off for my train trek home from NYC. I was totally making fantastic time, I got out of the cab at Penn Station, ran into the Borders and picked up Harry Potter and Deathly Hallows and pickd up a my ticket from the QuickTrak machine. I went downstairs to the place I always wait for the train announcement and waited a whole 2 minutes! I hopped on the train, put on my eye pod, opened up my bottle of seltzer and immediately got sleepy.

I napped for a little bit ( I didnt want to fall totally asleep - a really cute guy sat next to me and didnt want him to hear me SNORE - LOL - I'm so vain).When he got off the train at the Newark Airport stop, all bets were off! I feel asleep and was awaken by a really loud announcement from the conductor.

" We're gonna be stopped here for a few minutes, we have to replace a part We have the part on board, it should only be a few minutes." I had a bad feeling about that. 15 minutes later, he came on and said that the problem was more serious than they thought and we would be here a little longer. Uh oh. I called the SM at Toby's and gave her the heads up. I told her I would call her in a half hour. When I called her for the THIRD time and told her we still hadnt heard anything, she called my undertsudy and my understudies understudy. I wasnt going on tonight. I didnt even know if I would be back in DC that night.

I started to get a little panicky - it was hot on the train and all the people around me were getting on my nerves. I like to be left alone when I travel.

We ended up being loaded on to other trains ( I couldnt get on a new train until the last train came - it was an empty train and all of us who were supposed to get off in DC ended up on that one.)

I was supposed to be in DC at 5:20pm. I got there at 10:20pm. I drove home and petted my sisters cat, had some baked ziti ( yum) and went to bed. No Lil Shop for me.

Even with this HUGE pain in the butt experience, I wouldnt have missed Saturday for the world. I still have warm fuzzies thinking about it.

But oooooh does AMTRAK owe me! I am so writing a letter!

Restoring my faith in love.

I wasn’t in a very cynical mood about love or family to start with. I love my family and I love love. I want to have that special relationship in my life. I had just put that kind of thing on the mental backburner. I have been struggling with some depression issues for the past couple of weeks. I have a handle on it now, but that is why you haven’t heard much from me. I really didn’t feel like being a big whiny baby and complaining about things that none of you could do anything about.

I took it to God and He is working in His own way and His own time on it. Okay, that being said, I was also dealing with some performance anxiety. I had been asked by some dear dear friends to sing at their ceremony. I was flattered and scared!

As it got closer, the logistics of actually doing the songs became pretty complicated. I was worried I wouldn’t even have music for the event. That all worked out, I picked a couple of songs that had pre-recorded tracks available and I sang them. Apparently pretty good, people were very kind and said nice things to me afterwards.

Which brings me to the restoration.

When they spoke their vows of support, fidelity, love and respect, I believed them. My heart was filled with love for them and for the possibility that each person on earth could find someone to share the road with. These two people love each other. They have made each other better people. I have watched them grow in stellar human beings. They are gentle and kind and sweet. Their lives together are exactly what I want in a partnership, from a marriage.

I felt blessed and very honored to be a part of this event. It was a wonderful day. I was surrounded by love and family and just pure joy. I danced and ate cake and cried. It was everything a wedding should be.

Marty and Barry Brown-Marr, est 7/21/07

Brave or Stupid

I just spent the better part of an hour composing an email that will probably bring the rath of LeftBrain (tm) down on me.

A couple of people in my department recieved promotions. I was told months ago that these were titular only and that nothing would change. Day before yesterday, those people who recieved those "inconsequential" title changes were told that they should start attending the weekly managemnt meeting. I suppose that is titularly based as well.

Frankly, I think it stinks. I think that one of them does less work than me. Has brought NOTHING new to the table -while I am doing four jobs ( one of which is HIS). I just wanted to have my title changed. I have asked for it for several years now. It's been promised to me since I got there. And has it happened? Nope.

So I spent an hour expressing my displeasure and confusion. And I think I feel better. I have put it out there. I feel shortchanged and I let someone know.

I also feel like crying. Again. Now, like a battered spouse, I am afraid that my boss is going to be mad at me - like he was mad at me for taking a mental health day last friday. I am afraid he is going to be verbally and emotionally abusive to me in retailiation for me speaking my mind. Like he has been for for the past three and half years.

Pray for me people. I'm not wrong to speak up. Why does it feel that way?

It was wrong, It mattered and I release you.

I have been trying to finish reading John Eldredge's Wild at Heart. It's a tough book to read for me. Though it is geared toward the lives of men, it has tapped into some of my issues. How interesting that this book that I bought last year and kept putting aside had inside of it one of major issues in my life. Eldredge talks about how men constantly struggle with the concept of being un- authentic ( is that a word?) -of being found a fraud.

His theory is that it comes from a rejection in early life or a lack of support for your identity (he speaks of the constraints placed on being a male). It totally applies to the way I was brought up.

I was told that I was being silly. That I didn't feel the way I felt. I recieved the message that what I thought and felt didn't matter and I have had to come out from under it my whole life.

I'm on the part of the book that talks about forgiveness, forgiving the people who undermined my development. Showing forgivness to people who hurt me, and forgiving myself for the things that I do. I think that forgivness is the most of difficult thing for me to handle. I have never been able to truly let things go. I hold grudges. I am often angry and unable to express it. I want to control the world around me and when I cant, I want to step out of the world completely.

I have a list of situations I probably need to go back into and pray for forgivness and offer it in return. The title of this post is a quote from Wild at Heart. A personal goal of mine is to use that phrase to try to heal that part of my life. The middle part of that statment "It mattered" is the most difficult. There are many times that I dont think I matter. That my existance is a burden. I try not to get too involved in peoples lives so I dont get in the way. When I say how I feel and it makes people upset, I am embarassed and think it would have been better for me not to be here at all. Intellectually, I understand that I matter. Emotionally, I have allowed the Enemy to convince me that I dont. In turn, I have allowed people to hurt me and I have stuffed the hurt way down deep. I know it is time to let it out and let it go. It's a struggle I feel compelled to share. I think that putting it out in public, may assist me in addressing it.

Perhaps the reason why this book is so difficult to read is that God is telling me the truth in it. I am always trying to be a better person. I hope that I can make changes I need to.

Laundry

Okay. I have a confession to make.

I don't ever make my bed.

I do everything I can NOT to take out the trash.

and most aggregious of my bad housekeeping sins... I wait till the very last second to do my laundry. I mean... hours before a trip...half hour before I am supposed to leave the house. I just dont do it.

and I dont know why.

When I lived away at college, I would save it all up and drive home and do it. My mom stopped doing my laundry a long time before that. My excuse was it was so far from my dorm and I never had any money.

When I lived in New York - the laundromat was at the bottom of a long hill and I lived in a four floor walk up. It was weight training on a grand scale. I would wait until the very last second ( aka: I was out of underware) then I would either buy some more ( yes, I did indeed buy more drawers instead of doing laundry) or cry and drag pounds and pounds of laundry down and catch a cab back up the hill.

Pathetic? yes. I know.

I tell you all of this to say I have been doing my laundry for two days now. I have done 9 loads and I proably have two or three more to do. Plus - dry cleaning ( add two more loads). REE DIC U LOUS!!!

But, there are lots and lots of clean clothes around and that makes me happy! ( and cute - cuz my cute clothes are clean)

Feeling loved

Last night, I got to the theatre and one of my colleagues said " I have a suprise for you, but I cant give it to you yet." Later, a few of my cast mates gathered round and I opened two bags. They had made tee shirts for me with "Voice of Audrey II" on them! They thought I should have them for curtain call. I was sooooo touched. It's so great to feel loved and appreciated when I go to work. A marked difference from what happens in the day time.

I am feeling optimistic though, I feel as though a break through is right around the corner. Perhaps I'm crazy from the heat... or perhaps my time has come :)

Ease on down...

I just got off the phone with the Artistic Director of Expansion Dance Project. She offered me the role of "Evilene" in The Wiz. Awesome!

The summer of eeeeevil continues. It runs in September. I will send out more information as I get it.

But...yay!

Geeky Pleasures

There is a least one person who reads this blog who will whoop with laughter at this post. I just finished watching an episode of "Doctor Who". I am not the biggest sci fi fan - my far out fiction joys tends to come from the "bodice rippers" and chick lit that I devour like snack food. But there is one show that I have loved since childhood. I have dreamt of stepping into the Tardis and taking a trip in time like the Doctor and his companions.

I have not spent much time with the Doctor lately, but every so often, I am up late and catch the show on one of the local public television stations. That's what happened tonight and my eyes were just glued!

One of the conventions of the show is that every so often, the Doctor changes form - giving the show the opportunity to recast the part. The latest Doctor is soooooo cute. Christopher Eccelston is his name - so delightful. The Ninth Doctor may indeed be my favorite. I was totally ga ga for, like the sixth doctor ( I think it was the sixth - some time in the eighties when I was a teenager)... and now frankly I'm a little ga ga for this one too.

cuuuute!

Like I said in the title... geeky.

Good Night Y'all.

The Petsmart puppy commercial

Why do some commercials make an impression and others dont? I have a new favorite commerical - Petsmart has a commercial where a couple comes home and tells thier pet bulldog that they brought him something. Then they sit down a trembling puppy bulldog in front of him and say "A sister." The bulldog stares and then pushes his little red chew toy toward his new sister and she chops down on it. A friendship commences. I LOVE THAT!

I don't know why it touches me like it does but it does.

Divagirl update

Whinypuppetboy (tm) apologized and I accpeted his apology. I didnt allow us to dwell too much on it, I made sure we just went on about our business. An extended conversation would have been unproductive. No drama, just life. I thank God for the opportunity to put what I have been learning into practice.

Bon Voyage, Sir Fabulous.

Today is the last day of Sir Fabulous' internship with Ye Olde.

I hope that he has learned a great deal and has had some fun. Life can be hard. I tried not to add to the crap life gives by being a heinous boss. I hope that he learned how NOT to live his life through the mistakes I have made. I hope that he learned a little more about himself and what he wants for his future.

I pray that I have helped him prepare for the next chapter in his life.

I pray that his new fellowship is filled with opportunities to communicate his vision and his passion.

I pray that he doesnt forget us here in the Capital City when he is famous in the Big Apple.

He's a good guy with a bright future. He has touched Ye Olde in ways the organization has yet to discover. We are blessed for the time we shared with him.

Bon voyage, friend.

Divagirl strikes again.

After the show last night, Puppetboy started giving me notes again. I tried to be calm about it and even walked away to avoid saying something ugly. I did what a responsible professional should do and I told my stage manager that there was a repeated incidence of a cast member giving me notes. I told her if it happened again, I would request an official meeting. I thought she would be cool about it and be "warned" that it might be coming. Instead, she went to the actor and I am sure in the unkindest of ways told him to back off. She called me last night to report what had happened and that he was defensive about it and she had commanded that he give me an apology.

Great. Now puppetboy will hold resentment against me for telling someone of my displeasure. I have been listening to Joyce Meyer's Approval Addiction and I realize that my bristling about this issue is part of my own problem with being critized and being found lacking. I dont think he is 100% correct for giving me notes after every stupid show, but my reaction to it could be better. I am sure I could just let it roll and say "God is my only critic." I am, however, a human being and as such succeptable to the "slings and arrows" of other humans. I am working on it.

So today I am praying for the best way to be a beacon of peace to the dinner theatre. I certainly didnt intend to cause any trouble. I will pray for forgiveness of my pride and ask for a little more strength.

Saturday

I slept in the for the first time in a long time. It was delightful. I was perched on my big chair trying to work on my resume when my cell phone went off. It was a director ... I was supposed to have auditioned for a show today. OOPS. He called me to ask what happned. Er I Um. He wouldnt get off the phone till I promised to hop in the shower and come down. Fortunately, it was just up the road a piece.

I sat in the hallway of the place - freaking out. I couldn't remember the lines to any of the songs. I dont know why I get so messed up. The director came out brought me in to the room. There were lots of friendly looking people in the room. I felt a little more confident. Then I told the director I couldnt remember any lyrics. So the Musical Director gives me the big song for the character I was auditioning and I nail it. It was a short section, thank goodness. I read the side and made them laugh. So, I think I may have gotten the gig. When I know for sure, I will let you all know.

I came back home and now I am chillin' once more before I head up North to be Ms. Audrey II.

Not a bad Satuday in the city.

Two Show days...

Two show Wednesdays are the best. It's the day I wake up and feel like I am who I am supposed to be. I know that I am going to do something I love all day long. It's just been the coolest day really.

During the shows, ive been alternating between reading and working on the MAT workbook. I've gotten through the review part and now I have to work on vocab and remembering all the stuff I forgot from college ( It's like studying for a Jeopordy tournament!)

Between the shows, I had dinner with the stage manager ( what is it about me and stage managers - I always seem to befriend them!) We shared some stories about our lives. She shared some insight into some of the relationships and people in the company. This really helped me because it gave me a whole new way to pray for some of these people. The thing is, the theatre is a mission field ripe for revival. Theatre, as generalization, is filled with a lot of hurting people. We are by nature, seekers and we often fall into things that seems to satify that need for community, validity and love while we are on our quests. I feel very strongly that I am called to the theatre to help people. I dont know how that is going to play itself out... but I know the opportunity is there. The pain is there for sure.

Anyway, that was a major ramble... it's late...and I am happy.

Divagirl and Godgirl collide

I've been working with one of the best casts I have ever been a part of for months now. Of course, we are all drama queens and so there are moments where everyone is a pain. But for the most part, they are professional, talented and efficient, we have put together a fabulous Little Shop, if I do say so myself.

What I am about to complain about then?

My number one theatrical pet peeve: actors giving other actors notes.

For those who dont know, notes are what the director, musical director, techincal director, choreographer or stage manager give performers or techinicians to inform them of places where they " miss the mark" or need some improvement, etc.

Notes should NEVER be given from one actor to another. If you are talking to a fellow actor and you ask thier opinion or ask what they think you can do to make a task ot a scene work better - that is different. Walking up to someone before a show and telling what they should do differently - totally uncool.

To be specfic, one of the actors who operates the plant wants to make it my issue that he cant seem to sync the plant with my voice. He is always a beat behind. Therefore, he wants me to give him an audible cue as to when to open the " mouth" of the plant. Uh, no. The other actor who shares " plant duty" with him has no problem with how we have worked this out. That is probably because he took the script home and studied his lines ( my lines are HIS lines too). He says the lines while he is in the big plant so the movements match the words. He has also studied me, so he uses some of my head movements for the plant ( which is neat - and pretty hard to do - the plant is really heavy and takes a LOT of upper body strength to manipulate).

The thing that irritated me the most about the situation, aside from this child coming up to me and telling me how perform my lines, was that he went to the director and told her that both puppeteers were having serious issues with how I was doing what I was doing. Which, after talking to the other puppeteer, I found out was not true.

So, I have to let the whole thing go really. Half of the time Whinypuppetboy (tm) wont be there anyway. Since I know whcih shows those will be, i'll just have to pray harder for some patience on those days :). Over all though, I still have to give thanks for an experience that is just what I need right now.

I guess that is how a Diva moment turns into a God moment.

Amen, Ya'll

Lean, mean green queen of the scene

Hey look guys, I'm in the paper!

This article is running in today's Baltimore Sun ( Howard County section).

How cool.

Post meeting report.

I sought the advice of my mom and several friends solicted some prayer warriors for me on the whole "handling" issue. My mom came up with to interesting points of view -one from the management side about making things work even when they cant ( very pro crazy people) and one about me and how I should handle the situation. Interestingly enough, even though she gave an excuse as to why they would do the things that they do her advice to me was " say what you want to say." Which is a new one from her. She is usualy a " go along to get along" kind of person.

What ended up happening? I sat pretty quietly and doodled the whole meeting away. I spoke about other things in my regualr candid way, but I did what they asked me in the meeting. Then I went upstairs and started pulling job listings. I also too a three hour lunch with my intern. He said something while we were in the car that was so very true. Ye Olde is filled with passive agressive people - it's actually how we manage every situation. I say "we", becasue that is what I did today. It's what I do everyday. And I am ashamed of it. It only serves to cause me more pain. It's something that I DETEST in other people, because it is something I DETEST in myself.

I am grateful for the mirror that this job experience has been. It has shown me a lot about who I am and who I dont want to become. Perhaps, since some of the more difficult to express values have manifested themselves about the job, I can finally move on.

I think I want something that I dont feel as passionate about. A job where I am well compensated for my administrative skills but it isnt personal. Something that wont hurt my feelings. So I can save that energy for my "real life". My life in Christ, His gift of artistry to me...

Somewhere that's Green...

Far from Skid Row ,

I dream we'll go

somewhere that's green...



Somewhere That's Green, from Little Shop...



My boss just left my cubicle and I heard myself singing that line in my head. He just came in "handle" me. Clearly sent by Crazyman (tm) to make sure I follow thier twited party line, I was told not say anything about thier semi-diabolical plot to cheat around a promise Ye Olde made to get some money. I am not supposed to say how I feel about it, even if asked. I was then told " If I can't say something nice about the idea dont say anything at all." and " dont look like your not saying anything because you dont approve". I was basically told not to talk and how to " wear my face" during a meeting. Who does that? Last time I checked I didnt work with my mama. I am really sorry that your plan is shady and you dont want anyone to say that in the meeting so you can continue to just cheat around everything instead of working. That's not really my problem.

My problem is that Leftbrain (tm) has decided that he needs to " handle" me - Like I am the freekin' Lindsay Lohan of the office! I know that God is trying to push me out of this situation into a new one... I cant see what the new situation is yet, so I have a hesitation to get out.

Someday I will go... and it will be great. In the meantime:

Please wait...

The business is doing great...

So why I am I feeling so depressed?

Call Back In the Morning -from Little Shop

Don't feed the plants!

They may you fortune and fame,
Love and money and instant acclaim,
But whatever they offer you don't feed the plants!

- Little Shop Finale

Little Shop of Horrors opened last night up at Toby's. It was a lot of fun. I am glad the opening is over though, it's nerve wracking and the energy is always weird. I will say this though, they are very good to thier performers there. They actually care about you. That has a lot to do with the fact that Toby is there all the time and is very hands on in her management. This theatre is one of her babies.

The evening started with Toby calling us all into a circle. She told us that we were ready to open - that the show was fun and sounded great. Then she had us all join hands and she offered the show up in prayer. I was floored. Then we did this exercise where she started a hand squeeze on each side of her and it was passed from person to person. The person who gets squeezed on both sides gets " special energy". LOL. So guess who got it? uh huh...it was me :)!

Frankly, I feel like the whole exeperience has been one double squeeze of special energy. The people have been so good to me. They are so talented and made me step up my "game". The behind the scenes people and the administration have been so supportive - it might be a nice place to work all the time.

The show went off without anything major happening. After curtain call, Toby gathered us all on the stage and had we had a champagne toast. Some of the cast was going off to the have a late dinner to celebrate, but I had a 9am meeting so I sent air kisses to the crowd and boogied back down south.

I went to bed tired and happy. The show is open. Come see it!

Another Opnin', Another Show...

Well, it's opening "night" ( it's the middle of the day of opening). I have just gone to the CVS to purchase my travel eyeliner and mascara. I am hoping I haven't spilled too much down the front of my shirt ( I have to wear it for the curtain call). I don't feel the flutterbys I usually feel. It probably has to do with the minimal amount of stage time I have. Don't get me wrong..."Audrey II" is pretty pivitol to the story, but I get to do my stuff from in the pit ( which upstairs instead of down). It makes it easier to growl and act like a fool when no one but the boys in the band can see me.

I am edgy... and I dont feel like being in my office, but it is pretty quiet here - no too many people around and no big "fires" to put out. We just opened and show and that usually brings a short lull. Anyway... I am sipping my Gold Peak iced tea ( the BEST diet iced tea EVER!!!!) and trying to get some work done.

or...maybe I will daydream some more...

For those of you who dont know.... here is the info on the show I am talking about.

Little Shop of Horrors opens tonight at Toby's Dinner Theater of Columbia

It runs from now until August 19th. I would love it if you all come out and " see" my work. It's a fun night out and dinner is included in your ticket price. You cant beat that with a stick! :)

Alright...I am going back to work now.

Update...

Hey y'all...

Just so you know... Ive been pretty sick for the past week. I had a sinus infection that has been kicking my behind. I am on the other side of it and I think I will be fine for the Little Shop opening.

My stomach is no good though... I can't seem to eat without getting sick. I had some cereal this morning, no sweat but lunch? It's fighting me really hard this afternoon. I don't know what that is about but I wish it would stop. I'd rather not have to think about it too much.

What's my theological World View?

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern,You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

Emergent/Postmodern		79%
Charismatic/Pentecostal		71%
Classical Liberal		64%
Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan		61%
Roman Catholic		43%
Neo orthodox		43%
Modern Liberal		36%
Reformed Evangelical		29%
Fundamentalist		21%

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

Selfishly...

At lunch today I pontificated about what I thought some friends of mine should do. I spouted off my lofty thoughts on thier lives and the things they "might" choose. As my dear friend patiently listened to me I made broad statements about the way I think the world should be. All of this without actually knowing what is going on.

This comes from fear of change. It comes from developing attachments to people and not wanting them to go away. I made these statements as an attempt to vent my fear - to transfer the inner pain I was feeling into anger. None of the people involved know I did this. But I feel the need to say i'm sorry anyway. I was selfish. I love them and dont want them to go away.

Yeah, it's definately not the Diet Coke.

Memories have been flooding my mind for the past week. Images of times when I have been compromised and I have compromised myself. I have shared them with some of my friends for the first time. Setting them free, I suppose...making room for something all together new.

I see how some of the things that happened to me lead to the things I chose for myself. But what I cant seem to do is find out what the connection is for the here and the now? I am just not sure what any of this has to do with life outside of myself or what the "new thing" is I am making room for.

Curious.

Team Kenya Returns...

Home Again

Amen and Amen.

Feeling at home

I just got back from Columbia. The Little Shop company was called for a clean up rehearsal. It's funny, I feel like we haven't had that many rehearsals but there isnt that much to clean up. It's a really different experience from working in otehr venues. Good.

I had a LOT of down time, but I really didn't mind. It just felt right to be there. I was among peers, people younger and older than me that I respect. I feel at ease there. I dont feel out of place, or constantly irritated or misused or maltreated. It's just comfortable - like home.

It definately felt like one of those times when God was tapping on my shoulder and saying " Yeah, daughter, this is where you need to be...see how easy this is for you?"

Yes, Father, I hear you, I hear you.

Invited Dress Rehearsal - Hamlet

The morning of first rehearsal I kissed his forehead and said a prayer.

Halfway through rehearsals I held his hand and touched his face and listened as he told me about the process.

Tonight, I sat as far in the back of the house as I could and waited with baited breath as he took the stage as “Hamlet”.

This is one of the big roles. One of the roles that can “make or break” you as an actor. It's one of the theatrical roles every actor under 30 wants to do to define themselves as an artist.I knew how important the moment was… the first appearance. The audience crackled with anticipation. He exploded onto the stage and my heart shattered with joy. He was owning it.

Was it perfect? Of course not, he is a human being and it was a dress rehearsal. He choked on a Dorito, he fell a little harder than he should have over a couch. He flubbed a line or two. He also captivated an audience for three and a half hours. He took us on the journey of a tortured young Dane and I was so proud.

When it was done, my heart hurt a little bit.

Partially because it was a moment that I could never recapture and partially because I had seen what it took to get him to that point.

As I go to sleep tonight, I say a prayer for the company and for the audiences that will get to experience this show…

but most of all for my friend…

soulkisses through the ether to you, Precious. Good job.

Team Kenya on thier way home...

Please pray for the NCC missions team as they travel home from Nairobi.

Coming Home

Suddenly...my dreams are motion...

... and I-I-I-I-I am willing to sail any o-oh-cean...

That delightful lyric is from the hit song "Suddenly" made famous by Ms. Olivia Newton John in the infamously wonderfuly awful film Xanadu. Which is now a Broadway musical. For real, y'all. In fact, the shows tag is "Xanadu on Broadway. Seriously." I love it!

When I was ten years old, I had a notion that I was going on be on the exhibition roller skating team for the 1980 Olympic summer games. I practiced every day in my roller skates ( bright blue ones that looked like tennis shoes). I did figure eights in my basement. I did training laps around the block and I worked out "long programs" on my porch to a portable radio. I found out that there was a movie that involved two of my favorite things at the time...Olivia Newton John ( I was a BIG Grease fan too) and roller skates. I HAD to be there. I begged my mom to take me and she did. ( I will say that this was probably one of the last movies my mom actually went to the movies to see...perhaps I sullied the movie going experience for her by forcing Xanadu on her... Sorry Mom). I love love loved it - what I didnt fall asleep on.

There was so much to love about it. I learned about Gene Kelly... subsequently watching anything that he was in after that. I learned about ELO ( Electric Light Orchestra for those of you who don't know - thier sound, with tight harmonies and sweeping epic musicality made me just want to sing everything they made). But most of all, it made we want to find out more about Greek Myths. There were references I just didnt get and my mom told me they were referning to mythical stories. We actually went shopping after the matinee show, we went to B Dalton where I picked up my first book on mythology and we went to Kemp Mill Records and Tapes (actually we went to several) to get the soundtrack recording of Xanadu.

And so, ladies and gentlemen you can see why when I happened upon a story about Xanadu the Broadway musical - my heart leaped! Today at Little Shop rehearsal the fella playing Seymour was talking about how he had gone to NYC to see it. We had a great conversation about it and it made we want to go see it quickly ( cuz I am not sure that it will be around for much longer). I dont know how that is going to happen with my fulltime Ye Olde gig and Little Shop about to open... but, where there's a will... there's Xanadu!

I thought it was about Diet Coke...

Last sunday, I entered into a ten day fast of something I " love" very much - that wonder of chemical wonders - diet coke. It's part of the Pentacost Fast going on at my church. We were asked to fast from something and in its place add a spiritual activity. I have to admit that I didn't add anything, I just attempted to be more aware of what I was feeling and tried to listen to what God was trying to tell me.

As I approach the 7 day marker, I was going to say I hadnt felt very much, aside from a few moments of longing for my caffeinated sweetheart. But that would be untrue. This doing without, this teeny tiny sacrifice is unearthing in me a feeling of unrest that I have never felt before. I am not being complelled to deal with all the things I "thirst" for.

There is something that I have really been supressing in my life. The notion that I have a need for companionship. Not friendship, but really the firely communion of bodies and souls that has been denied me for my entire adult life. I have never ever felt worthy of having a boyfriend, let alone a husband. I have always felt too tall, too black, too fat, too ugly or have been told so by people I trusted. It was so painful do deal with that I have for many years pretended that I didnt even need that kind of thing in my life.

I go through seasons where it's okay to be alone. I usually have a boat load of things to "cover up" the fact that I am alone. To tell you the truth, I have all of the elements to do a great cover up job right now... but its as if someone is holding the covers back... forcing me to take a look. Is this the lack of carbonation in my life? Or is it a real manifestation and call to reality from God. Is this season of my life over...or permanent? And what should I do about it?

I am perplexed and a little sad that this topic is coming up. I wanted my big Pentacostal break through to be something " better" than being okay with being alone. I mean, I am a six foot tall overweight black woman who works in theatre - I dont need a hammer over the head to tell me that meeting men will always be hard for me. I'm confused and I want a diet coke.

Team Kenya is doing wonderous things!

Check out the posting from NCC's Team Kenya about what they have been doing. Please keep them in your prayers as they continue to offer thier energy and inspiration to the wonderful people of Nairobi.

Chapels, Chapatis, and Cheetahs

Coolness.

I just got an email from Kenya. I wish I was there. Maybe I wouldn't feel so lonely and adrift.

Thinking about Team Kenya and teams in general

I was reading the blog entry from NCC's Team Kenya and thinking about how important teams are.

I work on a couple of different teams. I value working with people. At Ye Olde, I work on a really great team... Team Ticketing works hard, laughs hard and cares a little too much. I love the way the cards have been laid out lately and the people who have come into " my pod" in the past few months have really be wonderful. They strengthen me in ways they dont even know, giving me a little more courage and a little more confidence. They have my back and I love that!

At Toby's, Team Little Shop is phenomenal...lead by the irreplaceable Toby herself and populated by some of the most talented people I have ever worked with. There is a spirit of excellence fueled by the talent pool gathered there. It's a place where good stuff happens. Or at least it has been so far.

At NCC, I have had the pleasure of working on several teams ... Team Godspell made it happen! The "short bus" made it to it's destination, changing lives along the way. I have been blessed to be on the Hospitality team at Ebenezers, from putting up chairs to putting on a smile - that team brings God to people in a very gentle and tangible way. There are other things that I have been a part of and I am sure there is more NCC teamwork in my future. It's a joy to serve.

I am pretty lucky to have been "picked" to be on so many teams - and I never feel like the last one picked.

Loved and Lonely

It's a pretty funny thing. I am blessed by more friends than I know what to do with! Everyone is so wonderful and wacky. It makes for good times and lots of love and support. I never thought I could be lifted up so high.

Why is it then I feel so lonely? I am sitting here tonight, in my messy bedroom, contemplating cleaning it up. Intermittently reading a trashy bodice ripper and writing my own version. Boycotting TV for the night...sipping iced tea sweetened with agave ( my vegan friends would be so proud...Look ma! No equal!) I am relaxed. And sad. I wish I wasnt alone. I wish I had a partner. Would I be doing anything differently tonight? I doubt it. I just wouldnt feel so alone.

I'll talk to the one who makes these plans for us. Maybe my season of singleness will come to an end someday soon. It would be nice.

Doing it another way.

Left Brain (tm) is at it again. Nit picking when he is bored. One of his favorite targets - yours truly. Usually, it leaves me unsettled and despairing... but I decided to offer up the energy I was using to whine to pray instead. I grabbed my little devotional book and took at look at today's passage and scripture reading. Here's what it was:

Psalm 13:

O Lord, how long will you forget me?
Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don't let my enemies gloat, saying " We have defeated him!"
Don't let them rejoice at my downfall,

But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

I WILL SING TO THE LORD BECAUSE HE IS GOOD TO ME.

Amen, y'all.

Learning to accept criticism...

I have never been able to accept criticism very well. I take it really personally and I think I am a failure if people dont like what I do immediately. It's something I have tried to work on and just when I think I have made some progress, I get sideswiped by some unsolicited criticism.

I had followed a job lead given to me by a friend. I got a response email that included a slightly patronizing critique of my resume. My initial reaction was anger and then embarassment that I had sent something to someone that was shoddy. I then went into " I must really suck ". Now, that I am calmer I am willing to accept that my resume probably could use some work. ( I was considering revamping it - I just didnt wan't someone else to tell me to do it)

I also know that this is God reminding me that I can get steered off the road so easily. What looked like a quick fix may not have helped at all. His plan for me probably didnt include that job. I probably shouldnt work for or with someone who would be so quick to start "fixing" and "correcting" me - without even knowing me. (despite the fact it was couched in " love" for a fellow church member) I know I cannot thrive in an environment like that. Dont get me wrong, I need a butt kicking quite often. But if you dont know me, don't try and "tweak" me.

Typing that part made me angry all over again. I have to take a breath and remember that person doesnt know me and doesnt know my path. It's not her business to and I have to let it go. :: breath::

On a more positive and sort of related note, I talked to Beloved on Sunday and he told me that he heard my name come up at an auditon. He was playing for something or other and the casting director that gave me such positive feedback when I went up for the Hairspray call was talking about me to another Broadway producer guy. Beloved said he was gushing about me. He also told them why I didnt get the tour gig. The whole "afraid that I cant do eight shows a week" thing. The option is still out there for my dream to come true. Perhaps that's why my resume didnt sparkle for this woman... perhaps it's God making sure that I am in a place where I can leave when I need to.

Little Shop, the designer run.

Tonight, we ran through the whole show for the design and technical teams. Both puppeteers were there, the lighting designer and operator, the sound designer, one of the guys in the band, the costume designer and lots of techies. The show is in amazing shape. It's a testament to the professionalism and talent of the company how truly ready this show is. We have had about 20 rehearsals! It's a whirlwind and it works.

It was fun, it cool to see all the people who will be making it happen. As someone who works on both sides of the stage, I have a great respect for everyone who does this work. It's not easy, but it is wonderful.

These are the times that I can see doing this kind of work for a long long time to come.

Team Kenya's incredible 48 hours

I know you all are probably tired of all this "Team Kenya" talk. But you have to know that I feel like I should have been on this trip. My own hang ups and rocky path that I am walking in the natural and in the spirit kept me from taking this trip. So, as part of my "mission" into myself - I am with intention and enthusiasm following thier journey. So deal with it people :P

Team Kenya: Back Online

decisions, decisions...

Well... lets start with a " win". A praise report, indeed!

I asked my boss for the days off to go do the matinee of Little Shop and lo and behold... he gave them to me. He said that if my work slacked off or that things were falling through the cracks we would have to revisit it. But, I am taking the days as vacation days. Halleluiah! God is good. The timing was right...Left brain (tm) was in a good mood and I got through something I was really dreading. YAHOOO!

With that settled, I decided to revisit my theatre company. I had put it on hold for lots of reasons... but mostly because the level of drama that was being generated internally was rivalling anything that you could see on stage. Unecessary drama caused my the wrong combination of people at the wrong time.

Well the time is different now, I am different now and the people I choose to associate with on the regular are different now. I'm also not doing it for selfish reasons anymore. It isnt about me. It's about what God is trying to do through me and THAT my friends is all that matters.

I will speak more on this when the plans are firmer. There should be more info by the end of the summer.

I just wanted to share that I had taken some action, asked for what I needed and made a decsion. That's already a pretty big week for me ; ).

The Work of the Holy Spirit

I'm just printing this whole one in my blog - in case you dont click the links. This is something I am working on personally. It's the core, I think to finding the "right" path for you at the right time. I have printed this out and am spending some realy quality time on this challenge. I invite you to do the same. Drop me a note and let me know how it goes for you.

Daily Challenge 5: The Work of the Holy Spirit

This entry is identical to the Daily Devotional Challenge that Team Kenya is using during their trip. It is a study on the 10 Core Values of International Christian Center.

WE VALUE THE WORK OF THE HOLY SPIRIT

Scripture Meditations

Acts 1:8 But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you. And you will be my witnesses, telling people about me everywhere—in Jerusalem, throughout Judea, in Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.

Galatians 5:22-25 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.

1 Corinthians 12:7-11 A spiritual gift is given to each of us so we can help each other. To one person the Spirit gives the ability to give wise advice; to another the same Spirit gives a message of special knowledge. The same Spirit gives great faith to another, and to someone else the one Spirit gives the gift of healing. He gives one person the power to perform miracles, and another the ability to prophesy. He gives someone else the ability to discern whether a message is from the Spirit of God or from another spirit. Still another person is given the ability to speak in unknown languages, while another is given the ability to interpret what is being said. It is the one and only Spirit who distributes all these gifts. He alone decides which gift each person should have.

Journal Questions

Have you ever had an Acts 2 Pentecost experience?

What fruit of the Spirit is abundant in your life? What fruit do you need the Spirit to cultivate more in your life?

Have you ever experienced any of the spiritual gifts listed in 1 Corinthians? Which ones? Which gifts scare you? Which gifts interest you?

Actions

Some suggestions for putting it into practice today:

1. Ask the Holy Spirit to fill you. Ask him for opportunities to use specific gifts.

2. Talk with your team members (or friends) about the Holy Spirit and share your answers to the journal questions.

Getting to feel like a show.

I just got back from a Little Shop rehearsal and realized that I hadnt talked about the process at all.

It's been so simple. The company is very professional and talented. The rehearsals move quickly and smoothly. There is very little drama. All the performers hit thier marks and thier notes and just do " thier thing" every time.

The show has been rehearsed in sections. The music was rehearsed for a few weeks. The scenes were "put on thier feet" out of order. Certain scenes were rehearsed during the day with the actors that were in those scenes. There were times that I rehearsed with " Seymour" and the puppeteers. ( For those who dont know, I am the voice of the man eating plant. The plant itself will be operated by a puppeteer). I feel like I havent rehearsed a lot. But really...we're at the point where the whole things is being pieced together. In fact, tomorrow we are doing a run for the designers to watch.

We are getting very close to tech week. I anticipate that will be a tough process. The theatre is in the round and the staging is done with that in mind. The rehearsal as been without set pieces so it will be interesting to see what the addition of "actual" things will do for the show. Again, I am really really lucky... I get to sit with the band in the pit and work off my script and the conductor. FUN!

I am blessed to be a part of the team and even more blessed to know that the company thinks I am talented and "one of them". That rocks so hard. I am lucky , cuz in this show I just have to sing real hard a couple of times and they love me for it.

I have had a couple of people actually tell me how glad they are that I am there and how glad they are to have met me. Really people, I have been just showing up and hanging out! I know that the spirit of the Lord is in me - and that and not me is what is attractive to these people. It's thrilling. I know that I have some opportunities and openings with this company. It's time to put some of the things I am discovering and learning out there. How awesome is that?

God has made a way for me. I thank my fairy godmothers for pushing me to do this. I know it is all a part of His plan for me. I've said to a couple of people " maybe I am supposed to be a Broadway missionary". Maybe... and maybe this is a test run. I will try to reveal, by example, the blessings of God.

I feel real lucky right now.

Weekend in the country.

My friend Momo, fresh from big ole New York came to visit for her annual Memorial Day weekend in Washington. I really thought this trip was going to be derailed by a tragic sewing accident. What tragic sewing accident, you say? Dear Momo, in an attempt to learn to sew... accidently sewed a machine needle into her hand. The needle broke off in her finger and she is walking around with the tip of a needle on her person. Can you say OW?!?!?!

The doctors didnt take it out in the emergency room, they were talking surgery. I was sure she wasnt going to make it. By the sheer stubborn "Momo" will, she got on a bus and spent the weekend with me in DC. Bless her. She was totally under the weather - and I wasnt much better. We did some shopping and mall walking ( that's country to her) and she soaked up some of that " living at home with your mom" goodness I am blessed to still be partaking of.

It was really nice to spend time with her. I miss her very much. She is one of the reason why moving back to NYC would be so cool. She is a creative, ever evolving, totally neurotic soul and I love her for it.

Something to do for Team Kenya

As I said, my thoughts these next couple of weeks are with the National Community Church mission team in Kenya.

I thought I would add the "action" suggestions from the online missions Daily Challenge to my own page. I hope that you will, at the very least, say a prayer for Team Kenya and the team doing good works at International Christian Centre (ICC) in Nairobi.

Pray Scripture over the people of ICC. Some examples of Scripture prayers include Ephesians 1:15-20, Ephesians 3:15-21, Philippians 1:9-11, and Colossians 1:9-14.

Meditate on our trip mission verses: Luke 10:27 and John 13:34-35.

Pastorfriend (tm) speaks

I miss her already, so it is really nice to have her "voice" via blog to remind me of what really matters. Big God.

Keep the prayers going... Team Kenya arrives!

My friends on the National Community Church missions trip to Kenya have arrived. To follow thier amazing journey click here.

For Team Kenya

As promised... views from the road...the journey begins.

Amazing people...

There is a group of people I admire and adore that are heading off to Kenya tomorrow. They take with them the thoughts and prayers of so many people. I love and support thier endeavor and I think they are very brave and wonderful. They really are the "salt".

For the time that they are away, I will be including a links to the National Community Church Missions page. Please pray for them as they work with
International Christian Centre in Kenya.

From the theaterchurch.com:

Project Kenya
May 25—June 4, 2007
A team of 22 NCCers are making the journey to Nairobi, Kenya to work with Pastor Chip Block and International Christian Centre. We will lead discipleship, small group, and leadership training for their young adults ministry and we will work with their worship and drama teams to do arts evangelism. Our primary mission is rooted in Luke 10:27—to love God and love others.

Scripture for the Journey

Friends, I think that no matter where your journey is taking you right now...whether it is into faraway lands or to the missions fields in your office... these passages mentioned in the article above are applicable.

ARGH

Today is an"Argh" day. A day when it really would have been better for me to call in "cranky" and stay home. It's funny, cuz there aren't a lot of people in the office - everyone is preparing for Ye Olde's annual foray into the park for free theatre.

I just feel annoyed with the whole world - or at least my little piece of it. I just want to go home and read a book. And I cant. And that annoys me.

In fact , I have to rush home tonight and coiff up for a black tie event I have been strong armed into going to. The best part? I will have to sit in at a table in an uncomfortable gown with people who grate on my last nerve, people from work, for three hours. There are no fun people there. Only people I have to smile at and listen to for HOURS!

I think by now, you all know that social events make me anxious. Big snooty ones make me nauseous. One's that I am forced to go to make me angry.

So of course, this is the core of why I feel like everything and everyone is getting on my nerves today. My nerves are shot. I dont feel like crying... I feeling like quitting. Everything and everyone.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, really it is. Argh.